by Kelsey King
“I prefer the term rebel.” I snort. “But maybe just a little.”
“Guess that means you’ll need a spanking.” Hovering over my body, Parker buries his face in the nape of my neck before he enters me in one deep thrust. We have our quickies down to a science now. He knows exactly what he has to do to work me over the edge and how to tease me until I beg for it. He thrusts in even movements as long as he can, the hard length of him filling me in the most delicious way.
When my body adjusts to his girth, I beg for more. “Harder, Parker.”
He starts to lose control, pounding into me like he can’t keep himself together.
He lets his hand trail down my breasts, causing me to shiver as he gets down to the juncture where our bodies meet. He circles my clit before I can get a hand down there myself, then starts working in time with his thrusts, vigorous circles and practiced movements.
“Fuck, baby.” He grunts, and I love the deep, animalistic moan that roars out of him. “So goddamn tight.” He increases his speed and widens my legs, hitting that right spot over and over again until I’m close to exploding.
I place a hand over my mouth to keep myself quiet, but it’s hard when he’s uncontrollable like this. My other hand fists the sheets hard enough that when I glance at it, my knuckles are white. I look up at him, and apparently, the eye contact is enough for him to lose it, which causes me to as well. It’s the most beautiful high we experience together.
He lets out a sigh, and his body covers me like a blanket. As much as I want to stay and snuggle with him, I need to get back out to the kids before they come wandering inside. I kiss his shoulder and slide out from under him, standing on shaky legs to clean us both up. He looks up at me, smiling, as I do so.
“I might take a nap,” he says, and I laugh. “What? I had a rough night last night.”
I know he did because we were up late last night. I still have the finger-shaped bruises on my hips to prove it, and I can feel where he’s been with each step I take. Rough is an understatement, but I wanted and needed to feel as if he’d break me in two. He hasn’t yet though.
“If you insist,” I tease, before redressing and leaving him to sleep there. I’m not all that tired anymore, not like he is—so I go out and join the kids and their game.
We’re still playing T-ball a couple hours later when Parker finally comes out of the house. The kids have been loving their game, laughing and screaming and running around with me, but they stop short when they see their father. I look up and freeze too. His whole face is red like he’s been crying, or he’s agitated. I glance back at Evie and Jackson, then step up to him, taking his hands and turning him away so the kids can’t see his face.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him, quietly, urgently. “What happened?”
He seems at war with himself in a way I haven’t seen since I first arrived. Parker’s silent for a worryingly long stretch, giving me time to think. Did something happen to Penelope? Worry overtakes me while anxiety rushes through me. Finally, he looks at me, but the man I was with just a few hours ago isn’t that same man standing in front of me.
“I’m sorry, Kacee. This isn’t working out,” he says with a stone cold tone, and it’s such a shock I stagger back a step. I can’t comprehend his words quick enough.
“What?” I say in a hushed tone, but I really want to scream.
“This isn’t working out,” he repeats again. I turn toward the kids, and it’s clear they can both hear him. Jackson’s already frowning.
“What do you mean, Daddy?” Evie asks. He turns toward her, face and eyes still red, with a creased brow.
“I mean it’s not working,” he repeats, louder.
My expression crumples, and he turns back to me. I frown at him before leaving his side to go to the kids.
“Go inside,” I tell them in a calming tone, so they don’t worry. “Daddy and I are going to talk about this. Why don’t you find a snack, and I’ll be right in, and we’ll talk about it then?”
Evie hesitates, then takes Jackson by the hand and leads him into the kitchen. I turn back to Parker, crossing my arms.
“Parker,” I say, and he almost winces. “What the hell was that? This isn’t like you, I don’t—”
“This isn’t right. We’re not right,” he interrupts me, pointing between the two of us. “Being together and sneaking around is wrong.”
“We don’t have to sneak around anymore,” I remind him, my voice cracking in desperation. I’m so confused and frightened, and my heart is pounding like it might beat out of my chest at any minute. I have no control over the situation, and it makes me feel hopeless. “We can—”
“There’s nothing we can do,” he says. “I never should’ve started this. The kids—they were doing fine before you. They don’t need a new mother.”
His words are a punch to the gut, and I’m so confused, I don’t even know where to start with my defense. I can’t make sense of what he’s saying. If this was a concern of his, it should’ve been brought up and worked out weeks ago.
“Parker, I’m not trying to replace their mother. You hired me to teach them, and it’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Where is this coming from? Why don’t we talk this through?” I ask, but he shakes his head not having any of what I’m saying. I can still see the lines from my pillow fading on his face from his nap. “Baby…” I reach out, but he pulls back harshly.
“Stop,” he says roughly, his voice almost breaking. “Stop calling me that.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I demand. “You just fucked me into oblivion hours ago, and now you’re saying it’s over?” I don’t hide my frustration and anger. He deserves it.
He shakes his head, looking away.
“Look at me, Parker.” He doesn’t. “Don’t be a coward,” I snap.
Blinking, he finally makes eye contact with me. “I just came to my senses.”
I raise my hands then allow them to fall lifelessly to my side. It’s clear nothing I say will get through to him. Without knowing what happened, I can’t fix this.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before, but this is just like my parents—the drifting, the arguing, the silly arguments over nothing. I laugh, but it’s bitter and not funny. I don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid as to let myself get to this point.
“You came to your senses?” I ask sharply, trying to keep my voice controlled. “What the hell does that mean?”
“This is just …” Parker starts to say, clearly frustrated before he stops himself. He glares at me, and I can’t help but feel he’s more frustrated than angry. But I’m mad now. He can’t just come out here and make declarations like this out of nowhere. “Trust me, I know what’s best for my kids, and it isn’t this. You can’t be here.”
His words are like fire to my body, burning down my throat as he shatters my heart.
“Oh, is that it? I thought they were doing a lot better with me here?” I ask harshly because his words sting. I can’t think of anything better to say. I stare at him, but he refuses to make eye contact and looks down at the grass.
“Is this because of us? Or something else?”
“What?” he asks, glancing at me.
“Why don’t we just stop sleeping together then, and I’ll just focus on caring for the kids?” I suggest. “You shouldn’t punish them for your issues.”
“No,” he cuts me off again. “That doesn’t—you can’t be here. You need to go, it’s just—”
It’s all of it, I finish in my mind. It’s all too much for him. I’m too much for him.
I’m not sure what triggered this, but I’m not going to be a doormat while he figures his shit out.
“Fine,” I snap. “I’ll leave.”
He looks up at me like he’s surprised I’m not arguing to stay, even though he’s the one who suggested it.
“What?” I glare at him, folding my arms over my chest to keep from pushing him out of my way. “Do you want me to fight to stay? Beg you to keep me? Did you c
ome out here to yell at me in front of the kids so that I’d ask you not to? Because if so, you’re sick.”
“No,” he grits between his teeth, seething that I even suggested that possibility.
“God. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”
I spent so much time trying not to end up like my parents and look where it got me. How could I have possibly let this happen? Especially now, especially when I’m—
I force myself to stop the train of thought and look back at him.
“I’m sorry, but it has to be this way. Kacee, I can’t—” he stops, snapping his jaw shut. We stare at each other for a long moment before I finally break the deafening silence.
“Fuck off,” I tell him. I can feel myself getting close to tears, but there’s nothing I can do to stop them. I let them spill over, and they trickle down my cheeks. My whole face feels hot and wet, and everything is too overwhelming. “I don’t deserve this.”
He looks at me for a moment as if he’s too defeated to argue. I’m not going to wait around for him to come to his senses, but walking away is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
I leave him there, going around the house, so Evie and Jackson don’t have to see me upset. I call a cab up from town and pack my bags while I wait for it. My mind is racing as I shove my clothes and things into the suitcase, cursing myself for falling so damn hard for this emotionally unstable man. After all this time, I really thought what we had was something special and real. Turns out, it was all one-sided.
As I walk out of my room and down the hallway, Evie and Jackson are sitting on the couch waiting for me. I feel awful leaving them like this and am so disappointed and hurt Parker is doing this to all of us.
“Please don’t leave,” Evie cries as they both run toward me and clench my thighs. “What’d we do wrong?” she asks and it breaks my heart, causing the dam to pour out and fall down my cheeks.
Kneeling to their levels, I grab their hands and look them in the eyes. “Absolutely nothing, sweetheart. You two are the best things to happen to me in a long time. Okay? I promise.”
“Then why do you have to go?” Jackson asks, looking the saddest I’ve ever seen him.
I force out a smile, though it’s covered in salty tears. Changing a look, I spot Parker in the kitchen with his hands clasped behind his head, looking distraught. “It’s just time, sweetie. Don’t be sad okay. I love you both very much.” They wrap their little arms around me, and I reign in my emotions to keep them from crying.
Once I stand, Parker takes notice and stares at me. So many thoughts, so many things I should say, so many questions. I don’t know what happened this afternoon between screaming out his name and him waking up from his nap, but it’s clear he’s not ready to move forward after his late wife was killed. He’s living in the past, and until he chooses to live past the guilt, I’ll never fully have his heart.
“Goodbye, Parker,” I say harshly, my jaw tight with anger. His eyes snap to mine, but he doesn’t say a damn word.
The cab arrives shortly after and once I’m secure in the backseat and we start driving, I glance back at the cabin. It was my home for the last three months, and though it holds so many beautiful memories, those are now tainted with hurt and pain.
Once the cabin is no longer in view, I decide to call Penelope.
“Hey,” Penelope picks up the phone, cheerful as ever. “What’s up?”
I start to speak, but it comes out as a sob. I cover my mouth with my hand and shake my head. The cab driver looks at me in the rearview mirror, but I turn my attention to the view out the window.
“Hey, what happened?” Penelope asks. “Are you alright? The kids?”
“Everyone’s fine,” I manage to tell her. “Nobody’s hurt, I’m sorry, I just—” My voice breaks on another sob, and she makes a soft shushing sound over the phone.
“Hey,” she says again. “It’s okay. Don’t be sorry. Just tell me happened?”
“Parker,” I begin. “He just—I don’t know. Out of nowhere, he told me this wasn’t working out with me being here and told me to leave. So I packed my bags and called a cab. I just left the cabin. I didn’t know what else to do.” I press my hand to my mouth again and try to force myself to calm down. “I’m heading to a coffee shop in town. It’s the first place I could think of in Whitefish. Would you be able to pick me up and drive me back to the city to my apartment?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course.”
“Oh shit. Never mind.” I forgot my sublet renter is there.
“You can stay with me,” she replies as if she read my mind “I’m getting in my truck right now.” I hear the door slam shut. “Marnie’s Cafe? Is that where you’re going?”
“Yeah.”
Just hearing her voice is a comfort when I feel so lost and confused. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”
“Sweetie, it probably wasn’t you,” Penelope says, reassuringly. “We’ll talk it through. I’ll be there soon, okay? Hang tight.”
“Okay,” I say, and she says goodbye before ending the call. I’m not sobbing anymore, but the tears are still sliding down my cheeks. I let myself silently cry as I watch the mountains flash by the window.
I wish it could’ve worked out, but of course this happened. It was always going to happen; things dissolving like this are inevitable. I shouldn’t be surprised, but it happened so quickly, far more quickly than I was anticipating.
I feel so stupid for letting myself get attached and letting my guard down. I feel foolish for getting myself into this situation, but if there’s one thing I do know it’s that I’m a strong person. I’ll get through this eventually.
From this angle, I can see the hill by the lake near Parker’s house, the hill he said he’d take me to someday. That day never came. I force myself to look away because the visual hurts too much.
9
Parker
SIX WEEKS LATER
The day Kacee left, Evie and Jackson left me alone in the kitchen and went to their rooms. I could hear them whispering instead of playing, and I was curious as to what they were thinking right then.
I didn’t want to think about how I’d let them down in all of this, but I was trying to keep my head clear so I could calm myself down, but it was too hard.
When I closed my eyes, all I could see was Rebecca. She was young and looked the same before she died. Beautiful and always with a smile on her face. She looked so angelic.
The dream that startled me awake seemed so real, so vivid like it was actually happening. Evie and Jackson were the same ages they are now, but Rebecca was here in the cabin with us. She was doing everything Kacee usually did—she made breakfast with me, kissed me over coffee, sat and ate omelets with us. Evie and Jackson took turns sitting on her lap, and I watched as she read to them and played board games with them. It had all felt so real and right in the dream as if she never died and this was our life together. I didn’t know any other reality except for that one.
Then the dream warped and my subconscious took over because suddenly I remembered Kacee. I didn’t know where she was, except that she wasn’t in the picture. I couldn’t reconcile what I was seeing with the knowledge that somebody else belonged there. I watched as Rebecca dissolved away, and I stood in the kitchen alone.
It made me wake up, gasping air in a panic.
My first thought was how I had replaced Rebecca and her memory. Jackson already didn’t remember her. Evie only had fleeting memories. They had already forgotten her and replaced that need for a mother with Kacee.
The thought caused a conflicting war within me. I’d loved Becca so damn much and feeling her lips against mine like it was really happening fucked me up.
The moment it hit me, I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings, and the only thing that felt right was to push Kacee away. I couldn’t think—hell, I couldn’t breathe—with her here.
I know it wasn’t her fault, and I was a jackass for the way I acted. I can’t blame her for no
t wanting to talk to me. However, it’s been over a month, and Penelope won’t even tell me where she is.
I’ve decided to do something entirely out of my comfort zone, but it’s time I man up and do the right thing. I’ve tormented myself for weeks, wanting to kick myself for forcing her out. I never claimed to be an easy man to figure out, but I’ll do whatever it takes to show her how sorry I am.
I haven’t even been able to explain my side, though I know it doesn’t warrant the way I acted, she deserves to know nevertheless. I’ve told Penelope, and even though she says she understands, she’s respecting Kacee’s wishes by not telling me where she lives.
Since I didn’t want to put Penelope in the middle, I went about my own way of figuring out where her apartment is.
Driving to the city scares the shit out of me. All my memories there are tainted and pain and the last time I was here, it was to identify my wife’s body. But today I put that aside and focus on what I’m going to say to Kacee when I see her again for the first time in weeks. God, I miss her so damn much. I freaked out, I won’t deny that much, but I wish she’d give me the opportunity to apologize and at least grovel for her forgiveness.
I stop at a market first, picking out a bouquet of flowers before I head to her apartment. She’s not expecting me, so I hope she’s home and will give me the time to say what I came to say. If after she hears what I have to say she still wants nothing to do with me, then I’ll respect that and never bother her again. But I have to try at least.
My heart races as I stand in front of her door, mentally preparing myself for the apology of a lifetime. I can do this.
Just as I bring my hand up to knock, the door whips open. The air is knocked out of my lungs the moment I see her gorgeous, glowing face.
“You’re not my Chinese delivery,” she states dryly, a disappointed look in her eyes. She leans against the door, crossing her arms as she waits for me to speak.
“No, sorry. But these are for you,” I say, handing her the flowers.
She stares at them like they’re a bouquet of snakes and when she doesn’t reach for them, I pull them back, letting my arm fall to my side in defeat.