by Alexa Davis
He paused and thought about it. “I like that. Hope. It’s a good name, especially right now.”
“Right, we hope that the fawn and his mom get back to living in the wild okay, and we hope somehow we’re meant to work this out,” I said, avoiding the hope that was foremost in my own mind.
But Logan picked up on it instantly. “We hope that your health is good, and you’re going to be okay.”
I shrugged at his addendum. Whatever was going to happen just was. I’d learned long before that I couldn’t control it. I just had to hang on and hope I didn’t fall off the ride.
“Are you going to stay the night tonight?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to say yes or no. The silence was deafening as we both avoided saying “cancer” at all costs.
“I’d sure like to, Heidi, but it’s up to you. You’ve given up a whole lot of privacy for someone who likes to live alone and work away from people in the woods.”
Hope chewed on my fingertips, and I kept watch out the window.
The silence dragged on, and I almost sighed audibly in relief when we reached his brother’s house and jumped out to collect the items Callie was giving us for Hope. I waited until he was inside and let her run around the small patch of grass that made up the front yard. She tumbled and chased her tail, flopping over and staring at me like I’d somehow tripped her from four feet away, then leaping to her feet and racing in circles around me on her stubby legs.
I was so enraptured with the tiny creature, I didn’t see Logan return. Suddenly, my heart was in my mouth as arms slid around me and I was picked up off the ground. I screamed, and Logan flipped me into a cradle carry so I could see his face, while Hope yapped and ran to the far edge of the yard and back. I slammed the side of my fist into Logan’s chest, and he laughed and flinched at the same time.
“Ouch, Heidi. Damn, that hurt.” He laughed again, and I hit him again, lightly.
“It’s not funny to sneak up behind innocent women and startle them, Logan. You never know how she’ll defend herself.”
He bent his mouth over me and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. “You had lots of opportunities to see me coming, Heidi.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Did not see you coming. Didn’t even imagine it.”
We both knew what I meant, and Logan kissed me again, letting the kiss deepen when I parted my lips for him. We shifted so he was still carrying me, but my legs were around his waist, and I kissed him hard, exploring his mouth with my tongue until he dragged his head back, panting.
“At the very least, we should get Little Miss Hope into the truck so we don’t lose her in the jungle that is my brother’s yard.”
I nodded, and he set me down gently, scowling quickly when a spasm caught me by surprise and I whimpered.
I herded Hope toward him, and Logan scooped her up into his arms, chuckling as she squirmed and licked any skin she could find, from his hands to his face. She stood up on his forearm and gazed into his eyes, her little tail whipping back and forth, and he went very still, as my heart swelled in its cage. Once he’d decided when he was leaving for the Midwest, I’d buy a ticket and surprise him.
After all, seeing more of the world might make home feel more… homey. I’d lived such an isolated existence for so long, everything around me felt artificial, like I was in a holding pattern, waiting for something to happen to me. Except that I’d never expected anything to actually happen. Suddenly, I was with the man of my professional and sexual fantasies, and he was better than I’d ever imagined. I took Hope from him and set her in the padded and lined basket Callie had made for her bed and pulled Logan down to me, tasting his mouth as if it was the first time.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow,” I said breathlessly when I pulled away. “But I don’t want to think about it until I have to. I just want you. In case you must go. Or if I find out that the news is as bad as it can be.”
“If the news is bad, I won’t go.”
“Well, that’s just stupid. You can’t stop living your life for me. I won’t let you.” I took a deep breath. “But it won’t be bad news, right? Everything is going to be fine.”
“Of course, it is. Because you deserve it, and the world owes you some good news, after all the hard work and good attitude you’ve invested in it.”
“What I deserve is to get my new baby home and put to bed, so I can get you naked and let you distract me from my worries for a few hours.”
He choked on a laugh, and his eyebrows jumped to his hairline. “A few hours, huh?” He huffed out a breath. “Okay, we can do that, if I get a break and a snack in there somewhere.” He kissed me and helped me up into the cab like I was made of glass. He ran around the front of the truck and grinned at me when he climbed in. “Next stop, Bootyville.”
“Bootyville? You think I’m a booty call?”
“No, but the alternative wasn’t something I’d repeat in front of a lady.” I thought about it for a moment then laughed and nodded my head.
“Well, now, that seems to be a mighty good call, son. Good save.”
He scoffed, and I bit my lip and tried not to think about my life going back to the way it was, without the teasing and the fighting and insecurity. I was sure I would’ve happily had sex with Logan even if I knew the first time was also the last. Knowing tonight might be the last night I had with him, before our lives sent us our separate ways, made the time we had left that much more important to me.
19. Logan
I didn’t want to leave Heidi, and I was sure that she understood that. But I figured at least with Hope by her side, she’d be happier waiting for me to return. She seemed to know that I’d decided it was time to go, and her urgency to get my clothes off and touch my naked body made me wish I could just put the night on repeat for the rest of time.
No sooner had I got little Hope down in her crate and walked into the bedroom than Heidi was unbuttoning my shirt and kissing every inch of me she could get to. Her tongue flicked over my nipples one after the other, and I shuddered and pulled her hair, forcing her to look up at me. I devoured her mouth, my tongue exploring her mouth while I tugged her shirt up and slid her breasts out of her bra. She moaned into me and pressed her hips against the bulge in the front of my jeans and rubbed up on my thigh, mewling into my mouth.
I threw her on the bed and wrestled her tight jeans down her thighs, kissing everything I bared until my face was nestled against the warm, damp panties between her legs. Purple bruises formed as I sucked and bit the insides of her thighs, spreading her legs wide to lick and kiss my way to the taut tendons in the “V” of her legs. I glanced up, and she was staring down at me, her top bunched up under her arms and her breasts in her hands. She pinched and rolled her nipples between her fingers and stared down at me while I teased her, licking and kissing the soft skin all around her pussy, but never quite touching her panties or the wet slit beneath them.
“Please, please?” she begged.
I slid the soaked cotton away from the softest part of her and bent my mouth to taste her. Instantly, her hands were in my hair, tugging my face into her while she rocked her hips, fucking my face while I delved into her with my fingers and tongue.
Her head fell back, and she bit off a muted cry as she shuddered and a hot gush of sweet fluid flowed over my tongue and down the sides of my face. I pulled the panties down her legs and dropped them on the floor and undid my jeans while she watched me, panting, her pussy still dripping down the creamy skin of her inner thighs.
She sat up as I pushed my jeans down over my ass, freeing my hard cock from the binding fabric. Her first orgasm under my mouth had made me so hard it stood almost perfectly erect and pressed against the muscles of my abdomen.
“My God, I want that inside me,” she gasped and reached for me with both hands. I let her draw me to her and into her mouth, holding her hair back from her face so I could watch her mouth spread wide open, pulling her lips tight as she tried to take me all the way into her. I gently pushed her away from
me and tugged the t-shirt and bra off, and sat on the edge of the bed.
Heidi slid down to her knees and spread my legs farther apart so she could kneel between them and fondled me as she took me into her mouth again. Her tongue felt like wet silk sliding over me, and I fought to remain in control while she sucked and moaned on my cock until I was afraid I’d lose it before we made love.
“Baby, you’ve got to stop. Just give me a second to catch my breath.” I looked down at her smug smile and laughed. “Get up here and fuck me, woman.” I grabbed her wrists and yanked her to her feet, and she crawled over me, rubbing her breasts up my abdomen and over my chest until we were eye to eye and her heart beat directly over mine.
“Your chest hair tickles,” she whispered, and I rubbed her over me until she giggled. As I kissed her, I slid my hands behind her knees to pull her into a position better to slide inside her, but she struggled against me and slid back down my body, pushing my cock into her mouth and down in one long hard thrust that made me bang against the back of her throat. She held me inside her, struggling against her own gag reflex as she choked and her body begged her for air, until I couldn’t control myself and I came in a long hot line down her throat as it convulsed around me.
I threw my head back and growled as my hands fisted in the blankets. I shuddered as she finally sat back, gulping in air and wiping her eyes and nose with the shirt from her pile of clothes.
“Did I do that right?” she asked, her voice raw from the pounding to her throat.
“That was next level, darlin’. To be honest, I’d never ask for it, because I thought it was cruel. But anytime you feel like you just can’t live without it…” I let my voice trail off as I laid back, eyes closed, waiting for my heart to stop pounding through my chest.
Heidi left the room, and I worried that she’d hurt herself, but my body wouldn’t obey my command to move, and I laid there, almost dozing, while I recovered. When she returned, her nose was pink, and her eyes rimmed in red, but she wasn’t crying anymore, and she smiled down at me.
“Ready for round two?” she teased while I waited to regain the ability to speak in coherent words.
“Unnngh,” I managed, then tugged her down to me and held her against my side. “I think you’ve killed me,” I muttered, and she laughed.
“I could always try to bring you back to life,” she offered, and I rolled over, pinning her under me.
“My turn,” I growled and slid my hand between her legs. Her eyes rolled back as I slid one, then two, fingers inside her, rubbing them over the slick, smooth muscle deep inside. “I love you, Heidi, do you understand that?” I asked as I brought her to the edge with my fingers, and she trembled in my arms.
“I don’t want you to go without me,” she confessed in a small voice.
I went completely still, my heart pounding as I considered what she was saying. Slowly, I thrust again, picking up my rhythm and using my leg to help my push deeper and harder into her. As she moaned my name and clutched at me, I felt my cock start to throb. It swelled between us as I rubbed my body over her, my fingers still deep inside her.
“I need you in me,” she begged, and I slid my wet, sticky fingers out of her and rolled onto my back so she was stretched across the length of me.
She straddled me, kneeling up so I could see the tip of my cock pressed against my stomach as she rubbed over me, her juices soaking my erection and everything below it, then coating my inner thighs as she dripped over me.
She got up on her knees so my cock was free and stood it up straight before she slowly lowered herself onto me. Pleasure exploded through me, and I saw stars as she began to slide back off, then at the tip, slammed herself back down onto me. I held her hips to help stabilize her and let her control her rhythm completely, amazed at how hard and fast she could fuck me as she pushed me all the way inside her and rocked on me, the lips of her pussy sliding over my pubic hair as she rolled her hips back.
I dug my fingernails into her thighs, and she moaned and laid down on my chest, still rocking her hips and driving me closer to the edge of the abyss with every stroke. Tucking her feet under my ass, she tipped my hips up to force my cock even deeper inside her, and arched her back so her breasts were hovering just in front of my mouth.
I struggled against my own need for control, and it made holding back a second orgasm almost as difficult as it had been to prevent the first. Heidi leaned forward again, and I kissed her, her full lips as soft as flower petals as she danced them over my mouth, flicking her tongue over my lips and tasting me. Her rhythm slowed, and her kisses deepened as she grabbed my hands and put them on her ass.
“Dig your nails into me while I come,” she commanded me. “Make it hurt, and give me your tongue while you do it.”
I did as she asked, grabbing her in both hands and digging my fingernails into her, pulling her onto me as she sucked on my tongue the way she had sucked on my cock. I could taste myself on her lips and tongue, and it drove me over the edge. I slammed her down onto me and held her there, digging my fingers into her ass so hard I knew I’d bruised her, pulling her open and holding her down while I felt her muscles squeeze tight around me, wringing every last drop from me as I throbbed inside her.
She came with a guttural moan, ripping her mouth from mine and throwing her head back until she was bent almost double, her hair brushing over my hands as I held her in place. She started to tremble, and I laid her down, rolling onto my side so we were facing each other, her forehead tucked into my chest and my leg thrown over her hip, holding her in place as I felt her body go limp.
“I don’t know if we can replicate that,” I whispered into her hair as she lay shivering in my arms.
“We’ll try later, I promise.” Her reply was muffled in my chest hair, and it made me laugh. I stroked her buttocks, guilt running through me for hurting her.
“Oh, God!” she moaned, and I felt her body shift. “Don’t stop, please don’t stop.” I traced the indentations I could feel where I’d cut moon shapes into her skin with my nails, and she bucked against me as an aftershock coursed through her. She gasped and I chuckled.
“Well, that settles it. You’re on top from now on.”
She grumbled into my armpit, and I tilted her chin up. “What was that?”
“I like it when you’re on top. I don’t ever want to be that couple who doesn’t try anymore. I don’t want to be my parents.”
“We won’t be anyone’s parents, Heidi; we’re just us, and we’ll do what works for us.” I sighed and rolled away from her so that we were both looking at the ceiling. “I have to go. It’s what I do. But I will always come home to you, and there will never be anyone else for me.”
“But you will always go again.”
There was finality in her words. I was asking her to stay alone, stay lonely, so that whenever I came back from my adventures, she’d be waiting for me. Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t right, or fair. It certainly wasn’t what she deserved.
“If I thought I could stick it out at my brother’s company, I would. Especially for you. But how do I ask you to be mine and support me, when I know I’ll only get more resentful of that place, of George, and eventually…” I let my voice drop.
“Sooner or later you’d resent the hell out of me, too, and then we’d still be finished.”
I kissed her forehead and the tip of her nose. “I don’t want to be finished.”
“Me neither. But, like you said, you can’t be tied down in one spot and stay happy, and I can’t assure you that I’d be around in two years, even if you did.”
I tightened my arm around her and enfolded her in a hug as warm tears ran down my chest and shoulder. “I’m not leaving you alone to die, Heidi, because I’m not going anywhere, and you aren’t going to die. I don’t care if my stubbornness is the only thing that holds you here; I won’t let it happen.”
I meant it. I promised God, and the universe, and whatever power was out there beyond my own that I would spend
any amount of money, do any work, starve if I had to, to make sure that if her appointment went wrong, she’d get everything available to keep her with me.
I’d thought I lost the love of my life to the insidious disease that threatened my future once again. The difference was that I’d learned that I could love as hard as I ever had, but I could fight harder and give more than I had understood. I’d spent years trying to understand why the best part of me was taken away. In Heidi, I had my second chance. There was no way in hell I was letting go.
20. Heidi
I had called my long-time oncologist as soon as his switchboard started taking calls the morning after the barbecue at Lago Colina. The doctor went quiet as I told him my symptoms, then commanded me to come in immediately.
Logan and I sat in the doctor’s office, and I was consumed by the guilt of telling Callie we’d take little Hope in, then turning around and asking her to dog-sit so we could leave her less than twelve hours later. Neither of us spoke as we sat waiting in front of Dr. Patel’s mahogany desk. I’d made a second call to the park, telling Eli where I was and asking them to hold onto the deer until I could get there. He expressed concern for my health and assured me that no matter the outcome of my tests, at least I’d get to end the day on a high note.
I’d relayed the message to Logan, and he’d given me a thumbs up, impressed that Eli had the ability to be a good guy to me, after all. I wanted to point out that his great qualities were why we were friends once, but the air was charged with my anxiety and fear, until it felt like my hair was going to stand up with the static. I didn’t want to say anything that would set off a fight with Logan. Not when so many frightening possibilities hinged on the blood, piss, and pictures taken before we were told to sit and wait, patiently, to find out if I had a future.
“You’d think they’d be better about not making people wait, considering some of us are about to hear we could be dying,” I fumed, and jumped out of my seat to pace the office. I examined the knick-knacks and thank-you cards from patients who had gone into remission under Dr. Patel’s care. I searched the shelves for an old, dusty card from a fourteen-year-old me. He’d kept it, and it was just as I remembered it. It was faded, but you could still make out the girl on the front of the card, mid-leap, about to jump a hurdle.