Witty Pieces by Witty People

by Various

"burglarized" about two years ago, reported hisloss to the detectives and offered naturally to assist them in everyway. At first he called frequently to ascertain if any news of thethieves had been obtained, but being met always with a negative hisvisits became infrequent and finally ceased. He had forgotten the matteraltogether until recently, when he was called upon by one of thedetectives, who stated:

  "We have got a clew."

  "That is good. Is it a promising one?"

  "Certainly. We have discovered the thief."

  "Better still. You have him arrested?"

  "We can't do that. It's too late."

  "How is that?"

  "He died last week, confessing to the robbery."

  It's a grand thing to get a clew.

  --_Denver News._

  CHOLLY--I say, Fweddie, what makes J. Wilkes Brutus take such longstweps? Do all actahs walk that way?

  FWEDDIE--Yes. They acquiah that twagic stwide while traveling. They taketwo ties at one step, ye know.

  --_Chicago Liar._

  MR. BOWSER AS A WHITEWASHER.

  He Is Not a Howling Success at Inside Decorating.

  There were several little things I wanted done about the house thisfall, and so the other week I engaged a colored man to come and work fora couple of days. It so happened that he came one morning before Mr.Bowser had left the house, and was greeted with:

  "Well, what's up now?"

  "I'ze dun bin hired to work, sah."

  "Who hired you?"

  "De lady, sah."

  "What to do?"

  "Jobbin', sah."

  "Well, the lady has changed her mind and doesn't want you."

  After the man had gone, Mr. Bowser came into the house and asked:

  "Did you hire a colored man?"

  "Why, yes."

  "What for?"

  "I was going to have him whitewash the vegetable cellar, take down andclean the laundry stovepipe and do some other jobs."

  "H'm! Mrs. Bowser, I don't believe in encouraging such people. He'd havedone about one hour's work and charged you for a whole day. I don'tbelieve he knows any more about whitewashing than I do about playing theharp."

  "But he said he did."

  "Certainly. Did you ever see a negro who wouldn't say anything to fitthe occasion?"

  "Well, but---"

  "There is no 'but' about it. If there are any little jobs about thehouse I've got plenty of time to do them. In fact, I need just suchexercise. Such work is a diversion to me, and the doctor recommends it."

  "Do you mean to say you will do the whitewashing?"

  "I do. I don't do it to save a dollar, but for my own benefit. I alwayslike the smell of lime."

  "I wish you wouldn't do it. You will get lime in your eyes, and you willblame me for it, and---"

  "There you go! Blame you! What would I blame you about? If I get lime inmy eyes it's my own fault. Mrs. Bowser, you are getting to be a gooddeal of a crank lately."

  "Well, if you are determined on it, don't say that I asked you orencouraged you."

  "That's a funny way to talk to me, Mrs. Bowser! Are you getting readyfor the insane asylum? I think I run my own house yet. If I'm willing topeel off and do these odd jobs, I ought to be encouraged instead ofinsulted."

  I was quite sure how it would end, but I said nothing more, and in thecourse of half an hour he got into his old clothes and went down cellar.I followed him down to give him a few last words of advice, but hedidn't need them.

  "You go right upstairs and sit down and enjoy yourself," he said."Here's the brush and here's a pail of lime, and if I don't white-washmore cellar in ten minutes than Moses could in all day, I'll never tryit again. Besides, Mrs. Bowser, whitewashing is not the slouch work youimagine it to be. It has got to be done by a person of taste andintelligence or it won't stand. I want a little blueing to give it atinge."

  "You understand," I said, as I got what he wanted, "that I did not askyou to do this work."

  "Ask me! What on earth ails you, Mrs. Bowser? You are making fuss enoughover ten minutes' work to warrant a year's job."

  "It must be well done."

  "Certainly."

  "Two coats all around."

  "Just so."

  "Even if it takes you all day?"

  "Even if it takes me over half an hour, which it won't. I'll show you ajob here that will make a black man turn green with envy. Just runupstairs and make yourself comfortable."

  I retreated up the stairs to the kitchen door and waited for results,which I knew were sure to come. Mr. Bowser dipped and dished and sozzledand stirred until he had the liquid to his liking, and as he began onthe stone wall I heard him chuckling:

  "I said fifteen minutes, but I'll go slow and take twenty. The idea of acolored man sloshing around here all day to do this work. Let's see. Ibelieve I'll take the overhead first."

  I held my breath in suspense for a long minute. Then a yell arose fromthat cellar which jumped the cook out of her old slippers and made hercry out:

  "For heaven's sake, Mrs. Bowser, have we been struck by anothercyclone?"

  There was a second and a third yell, and as I hurried downstairs Mr.Bowser stood in the middle of the cellar, hands out-stretched andjumping up and down as if he had fire under his feet.

  "For heaven's sake, what is it, Mr. Bowser?" I asked.

  "Whitewash--lime--fire!"

  "Where?"

  "In my eyes! I'm blind! I've burned them out!"

  I got hold of him and led him out to the laundry tubs and set the waterto running. He had indeed got a dose in his eyes, but it was morepainful than dangerous. He could hardly see daylight after we had washedout all the lime, and as I led him upstairs he said:

  "I shall never see again!"

  I washed his eyes with milk and got him to lie down on the lounge, andin a couple of hours he was pretty near all right. His eyes were sore,but no great damage had been done. He was very gentle until hediscovered this. Then he suddenly turned on me with:

  "Mrs. Bowser, what possible excuse can you urge in extenuation of yourconduct?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "What do I mean? That's a cool question to ask me! In view of what hastranspired what have you to say?"

  "I say that you were foolish to undertake the job. I warned you how itwould turn out."

  "Mrs. Bowser!" he shouted, squirting tears of lime water out of hiseyes, "do you pretend to deny that you didn't encourage me to undertakea task which you knew would put my whole future happiness, if not mylife, in peril?"

  "I do, sir. I did all I possibly could to dissuade you."

  "And you are not to blame?"

  "Not in the least."

  "Mrs. Bowser, this is too much--too much! I could forgive one who hadwronged me, if penitent, but when they attempt to brazen it out it istime for action. We will settle on the amount of alimony right here andnow."

  But we didn't. After blinking around for half a day he went down town,and when he came home to supper he was as good-natured as pie. I got acolored man to come and do the work, and two or three days later, whenMr. Bowser happened down cellar, I heard him saying to himself:

  "Yes, it's a mighty slick job I did on this, and I'll tackle thatstovepipe to-morrow morning."

  --_Detroit Free Press._

  MR. DE TEEZE (returning late from the smoking room, and seeing for thefirst time the hose stretched)--Wha-wha-whash _thish_ mean? Awful bad,thish time! Oh, I shee. I unishtan. 'Sh all ri. No worsh'n ush'l.Shnakes on shore, shea sherp'ns on ships. Or ri'. Qui' proper too.

  --_Ocean._

  New York can't decide upon a site for the world's fair. An excellentplace to hold the fair, after the old folks have retired, is on yourlap. P. S.--So we've been told.

  --_Norristown Herald._
<
br />   The Latest About Kissing.

  Men have often remarked on the fertility of woman's mind. Physiologistsdeclare she never reasons, but as an instinctive creature she oftenreaches a correct conclusion much quicker than a man. If they lack theintricate process of ratiocination they have the happy faculty ofwalking straight through mental difficulties like a somnambulist insleep.

  The fellows who discuss "Is Marriage a Failure?" or "Why I am aBachelor," have wondered lately how women reach their cute noses with