Witty Pieces by Witty People

by Various

with a black eye with the devil's ownglint in it--sat behind the youngest minister in town. The quiet oneheld in her hand a purple pansy so large that it attracted the attentionof the young minister. While he was still looking at it the train rushedinto a tunnel. The black-eyed young woman grabbed the pansy in thedarkness from her companion, and leaning over, dropped it into the lapof the godly man. When the train reached daylight again the youngminister had turned, and with the pansy in his hand was glaringreprovingly at the nun-like girl between whose fingers he had seen theflower. Her face was blazing and her downcast eyes seemed to confess herguilt. The whole car snickered and the malicious black-eyed girl readher book unconsciously.

  This is why the young minister preached on the iniquity of flirting,yesterday.

  --_San Francisco Examiner._

  Very Serious.

  "Husband, I've got a very serious thing to tell you."

  "What is it, Laura?"

  "Oh, it's dreadful, it's about Johnny."

  "What has he been doing?"

  "Well, he came into the house this morning, and what do you think--hewas chewing tobacco."

  "Pshaw! Don't give me such a turn again, Laura. I didn't know but he hadbeen chewing gum."

  --_N. Y. News._

  A WOMAN AT BANK.

  The Trouble she gives the Receiving Teller.

  "I've got $10," says she, "and I want to open an account."

  "With pleasure, madam. What is your name?"

  "Simpkins."

  "Christian name, please."

  "Sophronisba."

  "Any middle name?"

  "Katherine."

  "What is your age, please?"

  "That's none of your business."

  "Pardon me, madame, it is the rule of the bank to make these inquiries.I cannot go on without these inquiries. It is as necessary for your ownprotection as ours."

  "Thirty-five, then."

  "Are you married or single?"

  "Now, look here, mister, you are impertinent. Do I look married? I'dlike to see the man who'd marry me if he dared."

  "Shall I write married or single? Be as quick as you can, please."

  "Single, then. And, as I said, if you think----"

  "Residence?"

  "Right here in the city."

  "Quite so, but the street and number, please."

  "That's nothing to do with it. I don't want you to call, and if you dareto send a police to see----"

  "What is the place and number?"

  "Thirteen ---- place. But I never saw anything like this in all myborn----"

  "Where were you born----"

  "Same place, if you want to know."

  "Have you an occupation?"

  "Now see here. I suppose you want to know where I got this money. But Ididn't steal it, if that's any satisfaction to you. Of course I----"

  "What did you say your occupation is?"

  "I didn't say; you didn't give me a chance. I keep the best boardinghouse in the town; meats three times day, and----"

  "Please sign your name on this line."

  "Sign my name? Don't you believe me? I never sign anything, only----"

  "Very well, if you can't write, make your cross."

  "Make me cross? That's just it, you make me so cross I can't.Sophronisba Katherine Simpkins. There."

  "That will do. Kindly make way for the next person."

  "Oh, but mister, look here. What have you got it?"

  "Got what?"

  "The age."

  "Thirty-five."

  "Does it make any difference if it ain't right?"

  "It might make a serious difference."

  "Oh, dear! Oh, dear, I've gone and perjured myself. But it's all yourfault, you horrid man, you flustered me so. Did I say thirty-five? Ididn't mean it. It's forty-five, so there."

  And away she goes in a state of great indignation and perplexity.

  --_Burlington Hawkeye._

  An Effective Mule Invigorator.

  While traveling in Virginia some time ago with a doctor we came upon anold colored man who was standing by a mule hitched to an old two-wheelvehicle. "Dis mule am balked, boss," said the old man; "an' I'll jis giba dollah to de man what can start 'im."

  "I will do it for less than that, uncle," said the doctor. He took hiscase from the carriage and selected a small syringe, which he filledwith morphin. He went to the side of the mule and quickly inserting thesyringe in his side pushed the contents into the animal. The mule rearedupon his hind legs and giving an astonishing bray started down the roadat a break neck speed. The aged colored man gave a look of astonishmentat the doctor, and with a loud "Whoa!" started down the road after themule. In the course of ten minutes we came up to the old man standing inthe road waiting for us. The mule was nowhere in sight.

  "Say, boss," said the darky, "how much you charge for dat stuff you putin dat mule?"

  "Oh, ten cents will do," laughingly replied the doctor.

  "Well, boss, heah is twenty cents. Squirt some of dat stuff in me. Imust ketch dat ar mule."

  --_Philadelphia Press._

  The racy flavor of much of the recent news from the New England Statesshows that the cider of the vintage of 1889, which lurks in the gallonjug behind the door, is beginning to get a head on it.

  --_Chicago News._

  This is a photo of a gentleman employed by Chief Hubbardas a Chicago detective.]

  That man's policy was wiser who catching his son taking a whiff or twofrom a cigar, merely insisted on his finishing it, standing by him untilhe had done so. The succeeding two hours were never forgotten.

  --_Tobacco Leaf._

  That the moral nature of the pig is essentially mean and selfish isproven by the fact that he is always willing and ready to "squeal" whenhe gets into a tight place.

  --_Baltimore American._

  After six months' service he looks just like the rest of'em.]

  --_Chicago Liar._

  The New York Prohibitionists have formally condemned recklessness in theconduct of the Pension Bureau. It is a good place to introduce a littletemperance.

  --_Boston Herald._

  He Got the Trousers.

  Husband--You want a bonnet and I want a pair of trousers, and I haveonly got ten dollars.

  Wife (sobbing)--You don't suppose I can get a bonnet for ten dollars, doyou?

  --_Clothier and Furnisher._

  A Curiosity.

  Heard in an elevated car: "That man must be a saint."

  "What makes you think so?"

  "Because he almost broke his fingers trying to raise that window and hedidn't swear at all."

  --_N. Y. Morning Journal._

  Clean in the Faith.

  "Yas, sah, Mr. George," said an old negro, "we got ter keep clean; wegot ter keep clean, sah, or dar ain't no hope o' de salwation."

  "Why, then, don't you go and wash yourself?"

  "Whar--whar--what, sah? W'y doan I go wash merse'f?"

  "Yes, and put on a clean shirt. You are as dirty as you can be."

  "Oh, now, yere, I ain't talkin' 'bout dat sorter keepin' clean. I waztalkin' 'bout keepin' clean in the faif, sah, in de faif. I ain't got notime ter fool erlong wid de waters o' dis yere life. Whut I means is terkeep yer speret clean, washed in the dewdraps o' de New Jerusalem;means, as I tells you, dat we mus' keep clean in de faif, sah--keepclean in de faif."

  --_Arkansaw Traveler._

  A Large Party.

  Crimsonbeak--I expect a large party here to-day.


  Yeast--Indeed! Who's coming?

  "My uncle."

  "Who else?"

  "No one else."

  "But you said a large party."

  "Well, my uncle weighs 350 pounds."

  --_Yonkers Statesman._

  MRS. FLYNN AND THE GOAT.

  The Lady's Stirring Narrative, with Spring Lamb Trimmings.

  Mrs. Flynn relates with much pathos an incident in her life, thatgraphically illustrates woman's trustfulness and man's perfidy.

  "Oi waz in the market wan