by Anna Antonia
Too afraid to risk disappointment but unwilling to let this chance go, I had to say something. Even if it was a lie.
“I don’t remember you asking me about my name before. So, thank you for the apology, but it’s unnecessary.”
Damian tsked. “Lies are what you give me now, love? You very well remember the night in question. Mini-skirts, thigh-highs, a messy proclamation that you merely thought the outfits were cute and not what was underneath them?”
I couldn’t fucking swallow.
His expression took on a melancholic cast. “It was important to you and it should’ve been important to me. It took me losing everything to realize how much of you I took for granted.”
That sounded beautiful. I would’ve loved to bask in the fuzzy feelings it inspired in me, but now wasn’t the time.
I had to breathe first.
Then…then…my God. What then?
Careful. Slow. Don’t rush. Be neutral.
It might just be a slip of the tongue. For all I knew, he never said it. I could’ve just blocked it out and transposed what I wanted to hear.
“What exactly do you remember? Of me that is? No, no. Don’t answer that.” I winced. I sounded a little too desperate. “I mean, was it maybe a dream you had?”
“You know that’s not it.” Damian looked at me, smirk faint on his beautiful mouth and expression daring.
“You were just guessing?”
“Try harder.”
I could just let it go. We were two different people now than who we were then. Yes, it would be better to just let it go. Really.
“What exactly do you remember about that night? The one about my name?”
I held my breath. Time slowed down as the roar of blood continued to drum against my ears. One heartbeat.
Two.
Three.
Then…
“I remember everything.”
No.
He couldn’t have remembered, not after the way things ended tonight. Not right when I’d vowed to never fall for anyone the way I fell for him. Not when I’d made jagged peace with losing Damian.
God couldn’t be this cruel.
“You do? Everything you say?”
“Yes.” Damian turned his head to look at me. “And just so you know, you’ve been a very bad little girl.”
7
DAMIAN
It felt so good to tell Risa.
It felt better to remind to her that her naughtiness hadn’t escaped my attention. If there was a bright spot to this dismal night it was the glorious flush on her cheeks.
I could tell Risa wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry, cover her face, or throw herself at me.
I hoped it was all three.
What I wouldn’t be able to stand for was Risa staying distant or afraid of me. I’d burn the world down without a second thought. But I’d never hurt my girl because she was my entire world.
Conundrum at its finest.
I was fully invested in fighting for Risa, but I wouldn’t become unmoored in the process. That was why I couldn’t base my decisions on emotion. Hardened by logic, I’d see my necessary path with crystal-clear vision.
We’d get through this.
People would die. Money would pass hands. Laws would break.
However, we would survive and then we would pick up from where we left off.
Besides, I didn’t take Risa to France just to let it all fall to hell now. Not when she loved me enough to suffer the way she had.
Did it make me sick that I loved her more for it?
Absolutely.
Did it make me sicker that I still loved seeing twisted desire in her eyes?
Absolutely not.
8
RISA
“I’ve been bad?” The squeak would’ve been embarrassing if I wasn’t so happy.
“Yes, Risa. You have.”
He pulled so it was my turn to push.
“How do you figure? I’ve been a fucking saint.”
“Language, Risa. Language.”
Doubt melted away. I practically bounced with joy. This was the real Damian. My Damian.
“You really remember everything? Since when?”
“Since the first time I saw you.”
“Where? Switzerland?”
“No, not Switzerland.”
“In my office then.”
“Before that.”
Cocking my head, I breathed, “I don’t remember us meeting before then.”
“We didn’t. I saw you during my first visit. You were leaning against the wall and taking off your shoe.” Damian’s smirk thrilled me. “I knew then I’d have that leg wrapped around my hip no matter what.”
I laughed and sobbed at the same time. “You didn’t!”
“Of course, I did. I’ve wanted to fuck you, Risa, for a very long time. Even when I didn’t want to. You know exactly how that feels, don’t you?”
Just like that Damian let all the air out of my joy.
He was right. I knew exactly how that felt because I just came from it.
My laughter died like it never was. How could I forget his viciousness for even one second? Nothing could erase the reality of who we’d become. Given the chance, Damian turned away from me.
Not once but twice.
Nothing had really changed.
“You do remember everything. Congratulations, Damian. Welcome back to the land of ‘What Could Have Been’. You should also remember you had your chance with me and you declined.”
“No, I had you on your knees and I declined.”
So much for a happy ending.
“Fuck. You.”
Damian shook his head and chided in a sing-song voice, “You’re just racking up your infractions, little girl.”
I wasn’t stupid enough to demand he stop the car. Not that he’d listen. How else was he going to pour more salt in my wounds?
Just keep your mouth shut and don’t give him an opportunity to do it. That’s always an option.
Yeah. Sure it was.
“Funny thing that. You remember how it went down between us, Damian. I don’t have to please you anymore. You made that more than clear to me.”
“I do remember.” He clenched his jaw hard. “Why the hell would you debase yourself for me that way?”
“I don’t know, Sir. Maybe because I was in love with you?”
“Was? Try again.”
Narrowing my eyes, I bit out, “You’re unbelievable. Let me remind you, Damian, you fucked me over. Not the other way around.”
“Exactly, Risa. I fucked you over and you just took it. Our relationship wasn’t about hurting you. I never wanted you to lose yourself in that way. Not for me. Not for anyone. What the hell were you thinking?”
“You’re NOT going to lecture me on how I showed my love for you.”
“I’m not talking about your love, little girl. I’m talking about how you comported yourself in the quest of that love.”
“Oh, that’s rich!” I howled with sarcasm and fury. “You’re arguing with me because I was too submissive?”
“That wasn’t submission, Risa. That was being a doormat to a piece of shit man who didn’t have the fucking balls to take what he wanted.”
“That piece of shit was you.”
“Not me, Risa. Some twisted version of me perhaps but not me.”
“No?”
“No.”
Damian thought to cleave himself in half. It didn’t work that way. He didn’t get to dump on me because he didn’t approve of my actions but absolve his sins by the same token.
“Let’s be clear on something. You’re the one who didn’t want me to have any barriers. You wanted me to lose control, remember? Well, now I have and you still don’t like it. I can’t win with you. You’re impossible.”
“I never promised you easy, Risa.”
“Your promises don’t mean shit, Damian. Not anymore…if they ever really did.”
His mismatched gaze glittered eerily in the passing light. �
�If we didn’t have a schedule to keep I’d pull this car over.”
“And then what? Spank me silly?”
“Something like that.”
“Wrong. You don’t have the right to do it.”
Instead of getting angry, Damian smiled like an angel. “You’re pushing me, little girl, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to act the brat to get what you need. I know how long you’ve gone without. I’ll give it to you just as soon as I can.”
“You arrogant swine!”
His smile sank into another sexy smirk.
“I love it when you talk dirty, baby girl. However, let’s save it for a different venue.”
I lifted my leg and kicked the dashboard once.
“So that’s it, huh? You treat me like shit for months, replace me with Gretchen, make me believe in you, reject me, and kill someone in my apartment. And now here we are—on the run. But you still have time to threaten me with timeout and control how I talk?”
“I’ll always make time for you, Risa.”
“That brings me comfort.”
“It should.”
I kicked the dash again. “It doesn’t.”
Damian’s hand whipped out and tightened on my knee.
“Don’t. You might trigger the airbag.”
I hated when he was right.
Worse, I hated that his gloved fingers rubbed my leg and I felt it all the way to my core. I reluctantly put my foot down, secretly enjoying that his hand stayed on me. The closeness of his skin yet the leather barrier became a delicious contrast.
“You keep provoking me. Why?”
Damian settled the full power of his gaze on mine. Mesmerizing me as always.
“To make you stronger so that when you gift me your heart again you will do it from a position of power and not despair.”
9
DAMIAN
Risa bit her lip and looked down at her lap.
I reached up and pushed the hair back behind her delicate shell of an ear. I wanted to be able to see her face.
Her expression smoothed out but it was too late. I saw the despair. I took it like a punch to the gut.
“Talk to me, Risa.”
She shook her head. “There’s nothing to say.”
“I disagree.” I reached down again and squeezed her thigh. “What are you thinking?”
“You don’t want to know.”
We were still far from the airport. I had nothing but time to talk. Nothing but months to make up for.
“I do. Tell me what’s wrong, little girl. Beyond the obvious.”
“What difference does it make? You don’t really care, Damian.”
I wouldn’t stand for that. Risa could think I was a dick, an asshole, and a piece of shit, but she couldn’t ever think I didn’t care.
I cared so much my damned heart wanted to explode.
“You’re wrong.”
“Of course, I am. I’m always wrong when it comes to you.”
This bitterness couldn’t stay with my girl. I had a long road to travel to bring Risa out of the darkness I placed her in and back into the light where she belonged. She didn’t understand she was the sun, moon, and stars for me.
Stardust and infinity.
“I care, Risa, because I love you. Your thoughts matter to me because I love you.”
My declaration didn’t make her sweet. If anything it made her sadder.
“You love me?”
“Always.”
“Even back then? Before you remembered me?”
“Especially then.”
It was a true and saving grace to make the last months palatable. Even amnesia couldn’t erase how I felt about Risa. If I ever doubted she was the queen of my heart, then a hole in my head proved her sovereignty.
“Your words don’t mean anything when your actions tell a different story. I don’t believe you, Damian. I don’t know how I ever did.”
I was putting her on my lap the first chance I got. Not for discipline but to cuddle and love her as she deserved.
Still, it pleased me Risa experienced what I’d tried so hard to show her all those months ago. Words and actions occupied two different spaces of intention.
She gets it. We’re halfway there.
“Good. You’ve finally learned what I’d tried to teach you.”
Risa closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the seat. Her near-whisper reached my ears.
“Did I now? I guess I’m a slow learner.”
“Stop insulting yourself.”
“Sorry.”
Apparently, she wasn’t too tired to mock me. I didn’t appreciate my girl’s bitterness, but I did appreciate her spirit.
I loved Risa strong and submissive to me. Not broken and bitter.
Which can all be laid at my feet.
I did something for her I wouldn’t do for another. I explained myself.
“During our first month together, I tried to prove how I felt about you. The words, Risa, don’t always matter. You said it yourself—you saw how charming I could be to people. Why do you think I wasn’t that way with you?”
“You’re a sadist. A bully. Take your pick.”
The road I had to travel to earn Risa’s heart was getting longer by the minute.
“It’s easy to flatter people with pretty words. They want to be flattered. They want to think they’re special and above their peers. They don’t care why they’re getting the words as long as they hear them. It feeds their addiction to maintain the façade.”
“You make it sound so ugly.”
“I don’t place judgement on it, Risa. I just use it as necessary.”
She was clever. She’d put the pieces together and see why I wouldn’t use the same tactic on her.
“In your eyes, your coldness…your lack of pretense…made me special.”
She said it begrudgingly. I didn’t care as long as she said it because Risa was that much closer to seeing my heart.
“You already were special to me. That’s why I had no interest in manipulating you.”
She let out an impatient breath. “I told you in France. I needed the words, Damian. I needed them then and I needed them afterwards.”
I knew it. I just didn’t want it to be true.
I wanted Risa to understand me, the real me, but in the end I couldn’t get through to her. Worse, I hurt her. If only I could’ve beat the crap of out myself for causing Risa this pain…
If only I could understand how to reach her.
“You wanted them so badly you ended up trusting the wrong words, sweet girl. Don’t become dependent on lies.”
Risa crossed her arms.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
No good.
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth, Risa?”
“About?”
Anger licked along my speeding thoughts. Countless images, constructed to support a lie, and Risa was center to it all. I knew better than to believe she was the originator.
Unfortunately, she was guilty of perpetuating it. But that wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know she was being used as a weapon. How could she? Risa was an innocent.
“About everything. Why did you let me believe you were a stranger?”
My gaze cut across the darkness. I needed a glimpse of her true reaction.
I expected to see guilt. Maybe even anger. Probably sadness.
Instead, I saw hopelessness.
“Elaine thought it was for the best. She didn’t want to take a chance of the knowledge damaging your health.”
Convenient. Brilliant.
Rage roared through me. Unbelievable. How did Elaine dare try to separate me from Risa? To what fucking end did she orchestrate this monstrous play?
I extinguished the volatile emotion. Fury wouldn’t help me now. I’d save it as an even bigger weapon.
My voice remained soft, gentle even. “Why did you agree to keeping quiet?”
Risa shrugged, still keeping her arms crossed. “You forgo
t me, Damian. You remembered everyone but me. You thought I was a hired companion. What was I supposed to do?”
“Deny it. Fight.”
She whipped towards me. Risa’s eyes glittered with unshed tears. I felt them like a slap to the face.
“I fought every day for you, Damian. Every single time you insulted me, humiliated me, rejected me, and hurt me—I swallowed them whole because I was fighting for you. For us. For our love. So. Don’t. You. Dare.”
Tightening my hands on the wheel, I suffered the black poison of guilt flooding my system.
Never had a man been loved more than I had. Never had a man been less deserving of it either.
“I’m sorry, Risa. More than I can say.”
My love opened her mouth and then closed it again. She turned away from me and leaned her head against the window.
I hated what the sight of her back symbolized.
Worse, I hated I was the maestro of our misery.
10
RISA
We spent the rest of the ride in silence.
Thick, cloying, and suffocating.
I wanted to break it several times. I could just reach out for Damian. I didn’t think he’d turn me away. His arm, the one I held onto when we went out for dinner and the one I held onto when I came apart beneath him, that arm beckoned me. He was only a few feet away and mine again.
Or was he?
Although I was docile by going along with him, I didn’t forget the reason why we were in the car.
Damian declared I wasn’t going back to my apartment. He didn’t have the right to command me. He’d lost that right when he ended things with me.
But the man who denied me tonight wasn’t exactly the same one sitting next to me.
Could I take a chance that this Damian would stay the same for me? Could I trust him with my heart again?
Did I ever?
The thoughts tumbled over me, wearing me down but bringing me no closer to an answer.
I would love to forget tonight and all the months before it. I’d love for Damian and me to go back to the way we were. He’d lead and I’d follow.
It was so simple that way.
Except for my constant insecurity and fear.
Nostalgia didn’t keep things true. I was no safer emotionally with Damian then than I was now.