by Anna Antonia
So, no, I didn’t want to go back to being like that girl again. I’d made peace with my feelings for Damian and how things turned out. I’d been on the precipice of starting something new.
And now I didn’t know what I was going to do next.
Damian killed a man in front of me. The horror of that was bound to haunt my nightmares for years to come. But he did it to save me.
If it wasn’t for Damian coming to me, I’d be dead.
And that wasn’t an innocent person who accidentally stumbled into the wrong apartment. He was there to do one thing and one thing only.
Fuck. I never in a million years thought I’d be justifying murder, but here I was doing just that.
Remember—you don’t have the luxury of morality.
I didn’t know what the right thing was to do, but I knew one thing. I wouldn’t turn on Damian over this. We may not be able to make our relationship work, but I’d take tonight’s events to the grave.
I’d stand with him against anyone who tried to make him pay.
“We’re here, Risa. Just a little bit longer and then we’ll talk.”
Sitting up, I finally took notice of where we were. After being in the darkness for so long, the airport’s bright lights assaulted my eyes. Damian veered away from the main entrance and pulled up to the terminal for private jets. My gaze fixated on the police car as we drove past.
He reached for my hand and squeezed it once.
“Don’t worry. We won’t be stopped.”
I appreciated his confidence even though I didn’t share it. Sweat dotted my forehead. I wiped away with the back of my free hand. How could Damian be so sure of himself? I felt as guilty as if I had pulled the trigger.
Truthfully, I’d never been afraid of the police before. I was now. The stark realization that Damian’s money wouldn’t be able to save him if we were caught frightened me beyond words.
I’d spent months protecting Damian and I couldn’t protect him from this. I wouldn’t be able to stop a cop from cuffing Damian. I wouldn’t be able to keep him out of jail. Even if I went ballistic and beat the living shit out of the officer—hell, the whole department—they’d keep coming.
I was utterly helpless and I hated it.
Damian told me I couldn’t control this. I hated that so much because it was true. And yet…yet…I needed the control. I didn’t want to surrender to the unknown.
And that was all I saw ahead of me.
My stomach lurched when we got out of the car. I looked around, trying to make sure no one was heading our way. Each step got us closer to his jet and I knew I wouldn’t feel any relief until we were up in the air.
Could the authorities send planes after us? We have to leave the country. Preferably to a place with no extradition.
Damian held my hand firmly. His gloved fingers reassured me with another squeeze. The sleek jet’s door opened and we quickly went up the stairs into the snug interior.
“Good evening, Sir. I’ve already radioed the tower. We can takeoff within five minutes.”
I remembered the pilot as the same one we had flying from Switzerland. The familiar face anchored me a bit. This wasn’t a stranger who’d turn on his boss for a dime.
Damian nodded, self-assured as if nothing was wrong. “I want no delays.”
“Very well, Sir.”
Damian then guided me to a window seat. I also remembered it as the same one Gretchen sat in. I hesitated in my pettiness.
I didn’t want to sit there. Sitting there now would only go to serve that Gretchen indeed held the seat of preference and power. I’d rather sit alone in the back than sit here.
“Risa, please.”
I looked over my shoulder. The command was soft, never pleading, but something akin to it.
It humbly requested reconsideration of my stance.
Turning back, I sat down. Not flouncing but pretty close to it.
Damian sighed, as if I were a bratty child about to throw a tantrum. Damn, why did I feel the urge to apologize? There was no need for it. I was a grown woman who could sit where I damned well pleased.
He should be thanking me for being this accommodating.
Besides, I was also the same woman who’d been summarily dumped tonight yet again. Damian was truly lucky I was being this reasonable. He damned well needed to appreciate it.
“Easy, love.”
I whipped my head in his direction. “What?”
He didn’t react to my snapping other than a faint lift of his mouth. “I imagine I can see steam coming out of your ears. Would it please you if I sold this jet and bought another one?”
His intuitiveness didn’t surprise me in the least bit. But I wasn’t in the mood. I was angry, tired, scared, and miserable all at once.
“Why would I want you to do that?”
“That way you wouldn’t have to remember Gretchen’s presence.”
I turned away from Damian and crossed my arms. “A new jet wouldn’t solve anything. I still have my memories of how terribly you treated me and how well you treated her.”
“Risa.”
I ignored the unspoken command.
“Look at me.”
It was the last thing I wanted to do. Just saying the words out loud stirred up the worst of my memories along with the pain. Rejection scored into me a thousand times. How was I ever going to be able to look at Damian and not remember how I was second best?
Second best? How about not even on the list?
I was good enough to fuck but that was about it. Oh God, it was the truth. In New York and Austin.
I wasn’t really his love. I was just a girl he picked up in Texas to pass the time as he inspected, spied, or whatever he did, at my former company.
I wasn’t anyone special. I was stupid to think otherwise…
“Don’t.”
His hand curled over mine. I tried to move it but Damian wouldn’t let me.
“Let go.”
“No.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I swallowed back a sob. “Damian, I mean it. I don’t want you touching me.”
“Risa, I’m not letting you go. Not now. Not ever.”
Those were the words I wanted from the beginning and every day since. Until tonight. Not now. Not when I knew without a shadow of doubt where I truly ranked in Damian’s heart and regard.
He remembered me now. Now when there wasn’t any way to undo our past. I’d never forget and Damian forgot too much.
I yanked my arm, but he held firm. Frustrated, I turned to him with a low hiss.
“What do you want from me? Do you want to see me cry? Is that it? Does all of my pain make you hard?”
Damian reached for my face. I pulled back but not far enough. His fingertips gently brushed against my cheeks. My tears wet the pads of his gloves. His beautiful fey gaze captivated me as strongly as ever.
“Your pain does make me hard but not this kind. You didn’t deserve my neglect, Risa. You are my greatest and only love.”
Why did hearing his passionate words hurt me so much?
“Sure I am. Until you hit your head and forget me again. I better make sure I have Gretchen’s number on speed dial. She can step in for me like she did before.”
It was a low blow. One I’d never consider uttering in other circumstances.
Damian’s eyes clouded for a split-second. I wouldn’t have even seen it if I’d blinked. But I did see it and now I felt wrecked.
You’re so hateful to him. Cruel. Even though you love him.
I didn’t like how vicious my pain made me. I had what I wanted—Damian Black-Price. Why couldn’t I forgive him and move on?
Because you don’t trust him anymore. You don’t trust he won’t change his mind and hurt you again.
It was an undeniable fact.
I’d been able to bend over backwards for Damian because I believed we would eventually come together again. Tonight shattered the infinitesimally small bit of hope I had left.
And not bec
ause he killed. But because I offered him everything and it wasn’t enough.
We could never come back from that ugly truth.
Damian’s mouth compressed into a hard line. “I know you’re hurting, Risa, but that was beneath you.”
Letting out a clipped sigh, I tried to find the words because he was right. I needed to explain it to him. To myself.
“I should’ve never said that to you. I’m sorry. Really. It was unfair and I’m really sorry. But you don’t get to tell me how to grieve, Damian. And I’m grieving. A lot.”
His gaze searched mine. Damian then seemed to come to a decision.
“Your grief is not going unnoticed by me. I respect your feelings and the reason for them. However, know I am not grieving.”
“Well, that’s lovely for you.”
“Ask me why.”
I closed my eyes. It was safer to indulge him this way.
“Why?”
I suspected his answer but was so very wrong. Like always.
“Because our relationship isn’t over. It’s just beginning.”
11
DAMIAN
Risa wouldn’t let herself believe me, but she wanted to. That would have to be enough for me. Not for long but for tonight.
She hurt and I was responsible. Trembles went through her body as she fought so hard to keep it together. I wanted to take her pain onto myself. I’d leech her dry of it if I could.
All I could do was hold onto Risa’s hand. Even if she wouldn’t look at me.
The plane soon ascended and then we left Denver behind us. The pressure in my chest eased the further away we got. If I had my way, and I was sure to have it, neither of us would ever return. Risa’s apartment would be packed up tomorrow and her belongings transferred to the same storage facility she had in Austin.
Done.
Her parents—not as uncomplicated.
Lila and Richard weren’t going to be easy to manage. As far as they knew, their daughter was happy and content in Denver. She wouldn’t abruptly leave the city she just moved to.
An actress could be hired to pose as Risa over the phone. It would be tricky but not impossible. It was a distasteful idea but one I’d implement if necessary. However, I’d rather get Risa’s cooperation in the matter.
I hated loose threads. I needed this one cut and tied off by tomorrow evening.
More than that, I needed to take Risa on my lap. Not to punish her. Never that. Rather, not for discipline. But to show her how much I meant what I said. She was my life and my only love.
However, Risa wouldn’t accept my affection for her. Not yet. Hurting to heal her could only happen with her cooperation.
The contradiction didn’t escape.
I was a sadist. Pain was the currency between us. I inflicted it on her for discipline, for our mutual enjoyment. Just as I’d shared with Gretchen that long-ago night, I’d remade Risa into a woman designed to match my hungers. I’d taught her to crave pain, but this?
This type of pain was a betrayal to everything we were, to everything she meant to me.
My back could break for my sins towards Risa were many. Enough that I couldn’t possibly expect to solve it within a night, a week, or even a year.
Couple that with knowing she watched me take a life…
A lesser being would be planning for the end of his romance.
The man I’d been these past months would’ve already rolled over and given up.
Fuck that asshole.
I wasn’t him. I didn’t know where that bastard came from, but he wasn’t me.
The only thing we had in common was this beautiful woman. We both loved her very much. But unlike that Damian, I wasn’t afraid to reach out and take what was mine.
And Risa Kelly was undoubtedly mine. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and all the days ever after.
Risa suddenly turned away further, angling her body towards the closed window instead of me.
I resisted the impulse to turn her back. Her hand was still in mine. It wasn’t enough, but it would have to be.
For now.
Leaning forward, I inhaled the scent of her hair. It was the same shampoo she used back in Austin. Drug store, inexpensive. I loved it because it was hers.
Just as I loved anything and everything that had to do with this woman.
Risa couldn’t understand how much I loved her. She relied so much on the words, no matter how many times I steered her away.
I couldn’t fault her though. Risa’s life had been simple from conception until me. She had no reason to distrust words and their myriad ways of subterfuge and subjugation.
Risa wanted her boyfriend to be normal and uneventful. Maybe more like Steve Holland.
I clenched my jaw in blistering anger. Risa had been an angel in all respects except one.
The timing was shit but I didn’t care. She needed this and so did I.
12
Leaning over, I unbuckled Risa out of her seat. She looked up at me in surprise, her full mouth soft. Temptation to lift her up and strip her naked stayed my hand for several seconds.
Then I remembered the smug bastard who’d taken my Risa out for a date and bought her favorite doughnuts. Who made her smile. He would’ve kissed her too if she’d let him. If not that night then another.
Risa would’ve eventually taken him to bed. Not necessarily because she desired him, but because he was the kind of man to stroke her ego. And she damned well needed it because of me.
She’d fuck him just to fuck over the memory of us.
“Up.”
Risa obeyed immediately out of habit. It pleased me. That beautiful bit of obedience proved to me we weren’t doomed. I held back my smirk, but Risa sensed it anyways.
“On second thought I was fine just where I was…”
That definitely did not please me.
I cupped her elbow, delighting in the delicacy of her arm and how perfectly formed she was. However, this bit of defiance could not be allowed.
“You will come with me, little girl. Now.”
She lifted her chin, mouth pressed in an angry pout. “Fine.”
“Very good of you to agree, Risa.” I added a mocking tilt of my head. As if she really had a choice.
My little girl’s eyes narrowed. Sparks of fury seemingly shot out at me. I didn’t mind. I needed that anger as much as she did. Anger masked sorrow and we’d had enough of it to last a lifetime.
Besides, Risa had a bit of explaining to do and I wasn’t about to be put off one more second.
Uncaring of my stride, I forced her to trot to keep up with me. We made it to the back of the plane in seconds. Risa hissed my name as I pushed open the bedroom door.
“Sit down.”
“I’d rather remain standing.”
One press on her shoulder and she sat at the edge of the bed, arms crossed and temper fuming. Before I could begin my examination, Risa looked up at me and spit out, “Do you always have to have your way in everything?”
“Always.”
Arrogant as the answer was I saw no need to lessen the impact. It was true. Placation would serve no point.
“That’s hardly fair.”
I smiled. “Fair doesn’t come into play between us, Risa.”
“Clearly.”
Anger, jealousy, and lust mixed to become an aphrodisiac. Desire hummed low in my cock, making my balls ache. Leaning back against the wall, I slowly removed my gloves before putting my hands in my pockets. “You’re in a snit, my sweet.”
“You think?”
I shook my head. Risa heard the admonition clearly. Sarcasm wasn’t allowed between us. She bit her lip and looked away. I watched her sweet mouth form the word “No”.
Risa then glared at me in defiance.
There was clearly much work I needed to do. No matter. My devotion to Risa was lifelong. There’d be time to smooth over and heal our damages.
As long as you survive the next week.
The reminder sobered me. I d
idn’t just have myself to keep alive. I had Risa. No matter all my failings since France, I wouldn’t let harm come to her. No matter how ruthless I had to be to the world.
And to her.
“Why are you staring at me like that?”
“Like what?” I answered softly.
“I don’t know. It’s a look I’ve never seen before.”
“Does it scare you?”
Risa licked her lips, clearly debating on whether to answer me.
“You know the rules, little girl. Honesty. Always.”
“I don’t have to obey your rules, Damian, but yes. It scares me.”
This wasn’t good. I had to rein in my murderous impulses around my Risa if I was to fix this.
“Are you afraid I’ll hurt you?” A lopsided smirk to ease the severity of the question before clarifying, “Not discipline. Real hurt.”
“Yes.” Risa swallowed hard and then said, “Loving you has hurt more than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I’m afraid of what else I’ll suffer as long as you’re with me.”
I took that confession to the chest. The pain slid in like a sharp knife, leaving me to bleed out before I even knew I’d been stabbed.
My fury over Steve Holland faded. I knew I’d visit the pettiness of my anger later, but for now all that mattered was to love Risa the best way I knew how.
Completely.
13
RISA
Damian pushed off the wall. He reached me in a single step.
I thought about scooting back against the headboard, anything to put distance between us. No, I wasn’t scared of Damian ever abusing me. Even seeing him kill tonight didn’t make me really afraid of him.
Not like that.
What I was afraid of was letting myself believe this was permanent.
Tonight he loved me. What about tomorrow? Or the week after that?
Regardless of his injury, regardless of knowing Damian didn’t purposely try to hurt me by forgetting, the fact remained that he did forget.
He forgot all about me because I wasn’t entrenched deep in his mind like a splinter.
I wasn’t even a ghost of a memory. I didn’t exist at all.
Fair or unfair that told me far more than I would’ve liked to have known. I couldn’t win him over. No matter how faithful, selfless, and obedient I’d been—Damian didn’t want me.