by Anna Antonia
She said it like a wounded child, disbelieving I’d actually betray her this way. Not when I always touted the truth to be sacred above all things.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I chose my words carefully. “It was better this way.”
Risa shook her head. “No. It was much worse.”
“Why?
“Because I believed in you. You made me believe in you, Damian. You were many things, but a liar never. At least that’s what I thought.”
Guilt poisoned my logic. “I did what had to be done.”
“Oh yeah? Why? Because your girlfriend couldn’t handle the truth? Your helpless little girl couldn’t take it, huh? Is that why you lied to me?”
“Risa, you’re getting upset.”
“Genius, of course I’m upset.” The lost look faded from her blank expression, leaving rage to grow in leaps and bounds. “You must think I’m so stupid.”
“No.” I ached to touch her. I craved the contact of her skin. I could make this all go away if only I could get my mind to cooperate. The angles eluded me along with my careful logic.
“No? What would you call it then?”
“I’d call it love, Risa.”
She barked a bitter laugh. “That’s not what I’d call it.”
“Then what?” I needed to know so I could fix this. Her.
Me?
“Hopeless. That’s what I’d call it, Damian. Fucking hopeless.”
“No!” This time I gave into my urges. I took her hands in mine. “Everything I do is for you! You aren’t being reasonable, Risa.”
Jesus Christ! What was wrong with me? Nothing was coming out right and everything I said only pushed Risa farther away.
“No, I guess I’m not. Not if being reasonable means I have to be as quiet as a mouse in your cage of lies.”
She tugged her hands away from me, but I simply recaptured them in one of mine. “No. You’re not going to pull away from me, Risa. Not now. Not ever.”
“Don’t you get what you’ve done, Damian? You’ve lied. You’ve manipulated. You’ve broken my trust.”
Desperation flooded my system. “Risa, I can fix this. I just have to do it my way.”
“Alone.”
My free hand found its way back down by my thigh. Two fingers resumed their task of keeping rhythm. “Yes.”
“We’re supposed to be team, Damian. I help you. You help me. We’re in this together.”
Warning sounded in my ears. I spoke anyways.
“You can’t help in this.”
Risa’s expressive face told me what I didn’t want to hear. I’d just disappointed her beyond words.
“I may not be as brilliant as you, but I’m not stupid.”
The tapping increased alongside the tempo beating inside my skull. I hadn’t felt this intensity of pain since Denver, right before I remembered Risa.
“You’re misunderstanding. I know you’re not stupid. Not even close.”
Instead of soothing her, my truth simply pushed Risa into raising her voice. She yanked her hands free and fisted her hair. “Argh! Why are you like this? I can help you, Damian, but you won’t let me! All you do is underestimate me!”
“You’re mistaken. That’s not true.”
It wasn’t, was it?
“Yes, it is!”
What would it take to get through to Risa?
“I have it under control. Just be a good girl and let me take care of it and you.”
Apparently, I set Risa’s temper free.
“Bullshit! I fucking heard you, Damian! You’ve lost your targets. AKA your parents.”
“Bring your voice down, Risa.”
“NO! You’re so goddamned arrogant! You don’t even think you owe me an explanation for keeping me in the dark!” she shrieked even louder.
I went out on a limb, trying to put into words why I kept this from her. I couldn’t tell Risa anything about Elaine or Thomas without risking exposure to Konstantinov business.
This was a no-win situation.
“There are parts of my life that I don’t want to touch you. Understand that for me, Risa. Can you do that? Please?”
Risa snapped the branch in half and whipped me with it.
“This isn’t about privacy. This goes much deeper. Why are you willing to have your parents killed?” Desperation took over Risa’s voice. “You know you can’t do that, right?”
Her innocence was exactly why I’d never let her in. A girl who grew up in the family she did would never understand my world or where I came from.
“I have my reasons for everything I do, Risa, and you should respect them.”
“Respect them? How can anyone respect that?”
Even though I shouldn’t have allowed them to, Risa’s words hurt me. The mask slipped back on. I didn’t have to look in a mirror to know what Risa saw.
Cold. Immovable. Untouchable.
“There’s no point in explaining because you would never understand.”
How could she when even I didn’t understand?
I wasn’t myself. The Damian of before wouldn’t have entertained this conversation. The Damian I became would—up to a point.
The Damian of now was fractured.
“Apparently, I shouldn’t! How dare I question the mighty Damian Black-Price? You’re also so goddamned brilliant that nothing bad can ever happen to you or me. Oh wait. That’s why we’re stuck here in the middle of fucking nowhere!”
I narrowed my gaze, debating on whether I should allow her language and attitude to devolve this way.
Risa shoved her finger towards me. “If you even think about trying to criticize me for my mouth you’re going to have the fight of your life.”
Letting out a long breath, I fought to keep calm as my temper pushed the boundaries. I began to feel underappreciated and severely misjudged. Confusion receded while something else took its place.
Outrage.
I didn’t keep things from Risa to control her for nefarious reasons. I did what was necessary to protect my little girl.
I wasn’t about to be questioned about the methods I used any further.
“Your manners leave a lot to be desired for, Risa. Remove your finger out of my face.”
“Sorry.”
The tips of Risa’s ears reddened along with her cheeks. Chagrin chased after remorse only to have fury knock them both away.
Immediately, she slammed her fist against a nearby bureau. Obvious pain radiated up her arm, causing her to grit her teeth and curse.
I hissed, reaching her in one large step. “Risa, what are you doing?”
“It’s fine,” she snapped while trying to pull her hand out of mine.
I probed the skin with gentle fingers. “It’s not fine. You can’t just do that to yourself, Risa, understand? It’s not acceptable.” I brought her small hand to my lips and kissed it tenderly, resentment almost forgotten.
“It’s my hand. I can do what I want, Damian.”
“Wrong.” I held it up. “This hand belongs to me. Just as you do. I’ll do whatever I have to take care of you, Risa. Understand this now.”
47
RISA
Damian’s eyes were cold even while his fingers gently caressed my bruised hand. I wanted to give into the tenderness of his touch. I also wanted to slap his face and howl with betrayed rage.
I took a deep breath.
Exploding with emotion definitely wouldn’t help my cause. He’d see me as his little girl throwing a tantrum.
And what happened to little girls that misbehaved? They got ignored and punished, but they never got their way.
But this isn’t a game of dominance and submission. Damian lied to me. He misled me and kept me in the dark while he knew the entire time what he was going to do.
Just the idea that he’d lash out and eliminate his family…what kind of man would do that? Maybe I completely misunderstood what he meant by “containment”.
He never said he’d k
ill Elaine and Thomas. He just said he had reasons for everything he did. You know Damian. You know he’s not a homicidal maniac. There has to be a reason for what he said.
Blowing up at him wouldn’t get me the answers I needed. We didn’t talk before. Really talk. And that was our problem.
I needed to talk to Damian about the important things. I needed him to answer me truthfully. I let out another cleansing breath and tried again.
“What are we doing here, Damian? We’re stuck in this loop where we don’t communicate, I blow up, and you try to bring me back down through bubble baths or sex. It’s insanity, don’t you see that?”
“It’s who we are. I don’t mind.”
“But you should! We don’t have to repeat our patterns. I know you said I can’t help you, but I know I can. Just give me a chance, Damian. Please.”
“I don’t need your help.”
They were five words. Only five but they had the power to decimate what I thought we’d been working towards.
“You never had any intentions of our relationship becoming a true partnership, did you?”
Damian said my name but nothing else.
I took his silence like a dagger to the chest. My heart hurt. I felt stupid for believing we were a team, that he respected me.
He didn’t trust me enough. Why? Because of New York?
What else could it be?
I feared Damian would lose respect for me once he remembered how deep he ground his heels on my back. Apparently, I was right.
Without respect or trust, what did we have?
“You say you love me, Damian.”
Anger flickered in his eyes. “Don’t doubt my feelings, Risa. I’ve never loved anyone before. It means something.”
“But why?”
“What do you mean why?” he snapped. “Because I do.”
“Yes, but why?”
“I’m not doing this with you, Risa.”
I was getting to him, but not the way I wanted. “You can’t answer, can you?”
His silence proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that our “love” only belonged in the bedroom. Which meant all this time, our relationship—at least when we had one—was only an extension of sex.
Which meant Damian absolutely, positively, was not going to budge from his position.
Which meant I was absolutely, positively going to lose my shit.
“I was right from the beginning.”
Damian didn’t ask which beginning I meant. He knew.
“Wrong.”
I wrapped my arms around my waist. “Our entire life together has been about you. You’ve made the decisions. You’ve pulled the strings. There’s no room for me here. I’m no different than a pet. You pay attention to me when it pleases you, discipline me for fun, and then you crate me when you don’t have the time or inclination to deal with me.”
“I give you everything I have!”
The pain in his voice coiled about me like a vice. He believed it was true and that hurt worse. This indeed was all he could give me and it wasn’t nearly enough.
“But it’s not what I need, Damian! If we’re going to have any kind of real relationship, one where I’m not constantly worried where I stand in your life, then I need to be your partner. Otherwise…”
Damian’s expression cooled further. Although his body was within reach, I didn’t dare touch him. Damian was that unapproachable. I wanted him to say something, anything, but he remained silent.
Letting go of my waist, I brought my arms in front of me. “Look. I told you what I needed in a relationship. If you can’t do that, if you refuse to even try, then this can’t go on.”
Direct hit.
He scowled, looking furious.
“Don’t try to manipulate or threaten me, Risa. I won’t stand for it.”
“I’m not. I’m reiterating the terms of being with me and what I’ll accept.”
He looked away, frustration tightening his jaw. “Is our relationship all about your needs then, Risa? Am I to dance to your tune or run the risk of displeasing you enough to end our relationship?”
His disappointment gutted me.
“No. That’s not what I’m saying!”
“Then what are you saying?”
The impatience in his gaze made me feel helpless. How was I supposed to reach him?
I was hurt, frustrated, and scared.
Ever since we got to Romania, I tried to put the past behind us. I was working to prove to Damian I was fit and worthy to be by his side forever. But how could I help him when he wouldn’t let me? When he kept vital information from me?
Damian held all the answers and he wouldn’t give them up until he was forced.
The conversation we had, one forever interrupted, resurfaced in my mind.
***
“Because I want forever with you, Risa.”
“Forever?”
“Yes.”
“You’re not exaggerating?”
“No.”
“Are you asking me to—”
***
Never finished, those were the words we shared before the phone call that changed everything came. Another memory unfolded, one where Damian confronted me on my caginess.
***
“I don’t like your continuous need to hide things from me.”
“I don’t hide everything from you. I just need my privacy. That’s all.”
“And that’s a problem.”
“No, it’s not. I hardly know anything about you, Damian. Why do you have a right to privacy and I don’t?”
“You’ve never asked about my life.”
***
Two memories that didn’t seem to have a connection now seemed unbreakable. Damian once convicted me for the crime of silence which he now committed against me.
The symmetry should’ve felt sweet. Perhaps I should’ve felt cowed and apologetic for doing to him what he did to me now.
I wasn’t. Instead I was furious.
“Have you always been a liar or did you start with me?”
Damian’s brows snapped into a deep frown. “You’re not being reasonable.”
“Let’s talk about reasonable. No. Let’s talk about fair. You lied to me about who you really were. You led me to believe you were an IT manager. You weren’t. You led me to believe you were madly in love with Gretchen. You weren’t. At least according to you.”
“It is the truth. I’ve only been in love with you.”
His passionate avowal warmed my heart, but it wasn’t enough to overcome my misery. “You let me go on believing we were in this together. And we weren’t.”
Damian closed his eyes. “We are, but—”
“No. We’re not.” I let out a watery sigh. “I shouldn’t have run out on you that night in your apartment. I was wrong to do it that way, but this justifies why I did it. And why I’d do it again.”
48
“You said you loved me. You can’t take that back,” Damian growled with great offense.
“I wish I could.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I absolutely do, Damian. I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could.” I was outside of myself, so coldly enraged I didn’t even feel a flicker of remorse at his suffering.
Damian took a step back. The strength in his voice sought to change me by conviction alone. “Don’t say things you don’t mean, little girl, because you can’t take them back once spoken.”
“You’re going to lecture me on the properness of words?” I wished I felt even one percent as amused as I sounded because then I’d feel a million percent better.
Damian bit out my name. “You’re not even attempting to see it from my point of view.”
“You’re right. I’m not. Do you know why? Because your side is wrong, Damian. It’s fucking, fucked-up wrong.”
“Things aren’t that simple in my world, Risa.”
“Clearly.”
“You’ve never withheld things from someone you love?�
��
Goddammit, he was NOT going to go there.
“Let me stop you right now. The two situations aren’t even close. I kept quiet about who I was because I was worried about your health.”
“I disagree. I had a right to know who were you to me, Risa, and you made the decision to disregard it.”
“I did it to keep you safe.”
“So did I.”
Pacing in a tight circle, I shook my finger at him. “No. No. No! Don’t you dare try to say you lied to me for my own good.”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you, Risa. Everything I’ve done from the beginning until now has been for you.”
My hair whipped around my face. “You’re wrong. Everything you’ve done has been for you to satisfy your need. Not mine. I wanted to be your partner in this, Damian. To have a voice. Instead, you treated me like a child. Worse—an idiot. You practically patted me on the head like a dog!”
“Don’t accuse me of that again!” he yelled. Damian turned around and gave me his back. I watched as his shoulders tightened. Finally, in a softer voice, he said, “Everything I did was for your sake.”
“This isn’t what I wanted! I don’t want you to protect me from the truth! We can never have a real relationship if you hold all the power!”
“We can’t have one if you know everything.”
“Wrong!”
Damian’s profile struck me with the utter starkness of his position. “You’re proving my point for me, Risa.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Neither is this. You cannot judge me for the decisions I make in this situation. You know nothing about murder and corruption, Risa. Your life has been vanilla so far. You don’t know the first thing about making the impossible decisions.”
“Let me in so I will. Damian, I love you enough to handle it. I love you enough to learn. Don’t you see?”
He faced me, expression closed off and all the more haunting because of it. “You have no idea what extent I’m willing to go for you. When I tell you I love you—I mean it. No sin is too great to protect you, Risa. You may not understand me now, you may not understand me ever, but I’m willing to take that chance and keep your parents from having to bury their only child.”