Under the July Sun

by Barbara Jones

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

  45

  Eltham

  September 1921

  Louis opened the front door and could sense bedtime had arrived for the children. Silently he tiptoed to Billy’s bedroom and saw Cat was folding up clothes as the little boy knelt before his bed saying his prayers.

  She looked up and saw him, so put a finger to her lips as he crept nearer the bedroom door. They listened to Billy.

  ‘Holy Mary, mother of dog pray for us shinners now and at the hour of our deaf. Army.’

  Cat smiled at his mistakes, but he was too young she felt to drum into him the prayers she had to learn by heart at such a young age. And anyway, she was beginning to feel that maybe there was more to life than always praying.

  She was angry with God right now because He’d let her down. He’d taken the perfectly good life of her sister, as well as that of her unborn baby, for no reason at all.

  Heart failure, the coroner had put on the death certificate, but Daniel’s words resounded in her head and she felt if Doctor Murray had let him administer to Mary, she would be alive today.

  Cat wore her grief daily; but it had also had the effect of awakening in her a feeling of living for the moment, for she knew that she had to grab happiness by the throat otherwise it could evade her.

  ‘He sounds so sweet, doesn’t he?’ Louis said as Cat closed the bedroom door.

  ‘Yes, he does. C’mon and sit down now while I get yer meal.’

  ‘Don’t rush, sit down first. I’ve something to tell you,’ he said pulling a chair out for her, and she sat down curious as to what his news would be.

  ‘What would you wish for most if you could have it?’

  Cat thought for a little while.

  ‘Nothin’ material would bring me much comfort, Louis. But if Mary could walk through that door, I would never wish for another thing.’

  Louis’ shoulders slumped.

  ‘Ye look disappointed, Pet. Have I said anythin’ wrong? I’m only bein’ honest ye know.’

  ‘No. It’s not you, my darling. It’s my ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I’m sorry I should have just come straight out with it instead of asking you to wish. Of course, you would wish to have Mary here more than anything in the world. I should have thought.’

  ‘C’mon now. Don’t let’s get downhearted. What was yer secret anyway?’

  ‘I’ve got a job!’

  ‘ NO!’

  ‘Yes! A real job.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘At the Post Office. I just got to the Labour Exchange at the right time today and up it came, like magic. I prayed as I walked through the doors, “Please God let me get a job today,” and as if my prayer was answered, I was just the person they were looking for!’

  ‘That’s absolutely grand. I can’t tell ye how pleased I am. Let’s tell Billy.’

  ‘No don’t Cat. Not right now. Let’s eat, then sit and work out some plans about what we’ll do with the money.’ He rubbed his hands together and she went to the range and lifted out his plate.

  ‘Don’t touch the plate, ’tis hot.’

  ‘That looks good. I’m starving. I just don’t know how you manage to produce such wonderful food on our budget Cat. You’re a miracle worker.’

  For the second time in less than half-an-hour, Louis felt he had said the wrong thing.

  ‘Sorry, Cat. I seem to keep saying the wrong thing.’

  ‘’Tis all right. ’Tis bound to come up. Like anythin’ that goes wrong in life, if ye lost yer leg for example, ye’d keep seein’ people with one leg missing. ’Tis so raw, that every little thing relatin’ to death reminds me of Mary. I want to speak about her, but there’s nobody here who knew her, so I find myself talkin’ to her in my head. If only I had done this, or that, maybe she wouldn’t have died.’

  ‘I don’t think there’s anything you could have done to save her, Cat.’

  ‘There was, Louis.’

  ‘What?’ Louis poked his fork into a potato.

  ‘I could have made sure Daniel knew about her heart.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I knew there was somethin’ wrong.’

  Louis put down his fork. ‘How?’

  ‘When I first went home, the day Mary convinced me to write and forgive ye, she had a funny turn.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘She kind of went all shaky, her lips were blue and she was perspiring.’

  ‘Well, you’re not a doctor, Cat, so why are you feeling guilty about it?’

  ‘Because she explained how her heart was flutterin’ in her chest, like a little bird she said, and then it went like a race horse.’

  ‘I still can’t see that it’s your fault.’

  ‘She hadn’t told Daniel because he had his mother to worry about. I knew, and she promised to tell Daniel, but I got too involved worryin’ about whether ye were comin’ over to join us and I forgot to check.’

  Louis sat looking at her, then stood and went over to her. He drew her to him and wrapped his arms around her little frame. She was still so thin, he thought.

  ‘Cat, you know if everything in this world could be done twice, it would be done perfectly wouldn’t it? Life isn’t like that. I have things I wish I had not done because of the outcome afterwards, but we’re human, and humans make mistakes.’

  ‘Yes. And that mistake haunts me Louis.’

  ‘Well it mustn’t. I don’t suppose Daniel missed it anyway; he’s pretty good at his job. Maybe nothing could have been done anyway.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Try to put it behind you now. You did nothing wrong, Cat. Mary loved you and you must remember that. She was a lovely lady, but it was her time to go.’

  Cat pulled out a chair and sat down at the table and began playing with the saltcellar. Louis returned to his seat to continue eating.

  ‘By the way I’ve got some news for ye too,’ Cat said smiling at Louis.

  Louis looked up and smiled, glad to see she was looking less unhappy.

  ‘Do ye want to guess or shall I come right out with it?’

  ‘Come right out with it, we don’t seem to get it right with our guessing do we?’

  ‘I’m not quite sure how to tell ye.’

  He grinned and asked her if she had robbed the Bank of England.

  ‘No nothin’ like robbin’ and stealin’.’

  ‘Then tell me, I can’t bear the suspense.’

  She drew in her breath and looked at him.

  ‘I’m pregnant!’

  46

  Eltham

  Christmas Day 1921

  Louis was asleep in an armchair by the fire when Cat put the children to bed. After she returned to the room, she picked up the paper he had dropped and began to read. The fire crackled noisily as it ravaged the coal and Cat basked in its warmth as she tried to concentrate

  But her mind was elsewhere, and after a while she let the paper fall, deciding to just sit and think. She looked across at Louis, his mouth slightly open, arms dangling over the sides of his chair. Not a sound came from outside as all families had closed their doors to the outside world, spending Christmas Day at home.

  Cat thought about their last Christmas. They had all been together in Fethard, had gone to Midnight Mass as a whole family and everything had seemed perfect. Then there was that dreadful night of New Year’s Eve and her desperate fight with death when Eileen had been born.

  She couldn’t remember much about the immediate events after the birth, but it had been a long slow road back to health. Just as she could have recovered fully, she discovered Louis had lied to her about busking in the street and she had run away. It was Mary who had encouraged her to forgive Louis, and now she was dead.

  As a family they would not be celebrating Christmas together this year, so Cat, Louis and the children had stayed in England. It was all too painful. Maeve and Ned would have gone to Midnight Mass last night Cat knew, probably with Tom and No
rah.

  She ran her hand across her swollen tummy. Less than four months to go now, she thought. If it was a girl they couldn’t call her Mary because they had already had Marie. She would like to call the baby Ellie, but felt it would upset her remaining sisters, so she would have to decide on something different. If it was a boy they could call him Edward after her father. The baby moved inside her and she stroked her tummy, trying to soothe the child’s movements. Eileen will be one next week, she reflected.

  Her eyes wandered across to Louis again and she sat studying him. His hair had fallen across his forehead untidily and his shirt was undone. It was good to see him relax.

  Today, she thought, though it had been quiet, had really been rather nice, just the four of them. Next year there would be five.

  Louis stirred in the chair, mumbled something and continued to sleep as Cat sat contentedly staring into the flames.

  47

  London

  April 1st 1922

  Louis waited on the platform for the boat train from Fishguard. He had been standing around for half an hour as the train was late, but when it did arrive he spotted Peggy leaning out of the carriage window as soon as it approached the station. He stepped towards the edge of the platform and trotted alongside her carriage as the train shunted to the end of the line.

  ‘It’s very good of you to come over, Peggy.’ He opened the carriage door and helped her down.

  ‘Ah I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Louis. How is Cat?’

  ‘Not so bad. It’s just me worrying she will have a bad time again that’s all. Just a moment, I’ll get your bag.’ He stepped up into the compartment and lifted her bag down onto the platform, then turned and closed the carriage door.

  ‘Yes. Let’s hope we’re not in for another episode like the last time. D’ya have a midwife arranged?’ Peggy asked picking up her bag.

  ‘I'll take that, Peggy,’ Louis said trying to take the bag from her.

  ‘There’s no need, Louis. I’m used to liftin’ things ye know.’

  ‘Yes, I know, Peggy. But please, allow me,’ he said offering her his arm. ‘Now what was it you were asking?’

  ‘D’ya have a midwife arranged?’ She took his arm.

  ‘Yes, we do. We have a very nice woman who only lives a few doors along, and we have also seen a doctor to check that Cat is fit.’ They stopped to hand in Peggy’s ticket at the barrier.

  ‘And what did the doctor have to say?’ she asked as they walked across the station towards the underground.

  ‘He says everything looks in order and she should be fine.’

  ‘Praise be to God then.’

  ‘Yes, let’s all pray this birth will be different.’

  * * *

  Louis paced up and down in the grounds of Lewisham Hospital and though he had been told to go home, he would not.

  Cat was in the operating theatre undergoing a caesarian and he had no intention of leaving. He alternated between being outside and worrying he should be inside and being inside and wanting to be out in the air. And why, he thought, was it taking so long?

  Eventually on one of his visits inside the hospital a consultant approached him and after checking he had the right person, invited Louis into the Sister’s office on the ward where Cat had been before the operation. The surgeon sat down and motioned for Louis to take a seat.

  ‘We’ve delivered the baby safely, but there were complications Mr. Ross.’

  Louis waited for the explanation, not daring to ask what the complications were.

  The surgeon continued. ‘The uterus completely prolapsed and after considerable effort on my part, I have managed to put everything back in place. This has necessitated a lot of internal stitching. She should have no more children after this.’ He studied Louis’ face.

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘I hope you do, because if she does, she could well lose her life next time. I believe she prolapsed after the last birth with considerable haemorrhaging!’

  ‘Yes, that’s right. Luckily my brother-in-law was there. He’s a doctor. He managed to stem the bleeding. But she was quite ill for a while afterwards.’

  ‘Then why is God’s name have another baby?’

  ‘It wasn’t planned. It just happened.’

  ‘Well make sure it does not just happen again. If it does, you could find yourself a widower. And maybe worse, you’ll be responsible for her death. Don’t say you weren’t warned.’

  Humiliated, Louis hung his head, then looked him in the eye, thanked him and asked if he could see her.

  ‘Yes, but only a short visit.’ He began to walk off, but then as if remembering something he spun round. ‘By the way, you have a lovely daughter. What will you call her?’

  Louis gave a grim smile. ‘We’d thought of Anna, but as it’s Easter Sunday, she’ll be Anna Esther.’

  ‘Jolly good. Well, I have to go; you can see your wife now.

  They shook hands, but Louis waited a while before going to see Cat, shocked at what he had been told.

  48

  Eltham

  June 1922

  ‘Goodbye, Peggy darlin’ and thanks a million again for comin’ over. I don’t know what I’d have done without ye.’ Cat cradled the new baby Anna in her arms and called Billy and Eileen to come and kiss Auntie Peggy goodbye.

  ‘Don’t forget now, Cat. I’ll come over any time ye need me, Breda can manage Marie and the shop, ’tis no trouble. I just want ye to keep well.’

  ‘I know, Peggy,’ Cat assured her lifting first Eileen then Billy up to kiss Peggy. ‘Kiss your auntie goodbye now, Billy.’

  He put his little arms around her neck and kissed her cheek. ‘Bye, Auntie,’ then wriggled to be set free.

  Louis took Peggy’s bag outside and waited for her at the gate before setting off together towards the station.

  As Cat stood waving she felt a wave of depression wash over her, and tears which were always near the surface these days, streamed from her eyes. How she longed to be going with Peggy.

  She closed the door, went into Peggy’s empty room and sat on the edge of the bed. Remembering the nights she and Ellie had spent giggling in this same room she felt desolate.

  The feeling wrapped itself around her like a black cloak as she thought of her family back home. Mary, now dead; Ellie in America and Peggy returning home and she wished she was going too. She lay on the bed, curled herself into a ball and cried huge body-wracking sobs for her life that had gone.

  After a while she became aware that Billy and Eileen were watching her from the doorway, so she swiftly wiped her eyes and told them to go and play while she changed the beds.

  Louis’ bed, now in Billy’s room, was the last one she changed. She smoothed the pillow with the flat of her hand as though caressing Louis face and felt the familiar constriction in her chest.

  She mourned the loss of nights lying together in bed, sharing their thoughts and love. Louis would not sleep with her. He had absolutely refused after Anna was born.

  Peggy’s stay made it impossible to discuss the issue but now Cat decided she was determined to address it. She longed for his touch and craved the affection he denied her, but Louis had avoided contact with her since the birth and the subject had become one that neither of them could address. When he came back from seeing Peggy onto the train in London she would speak to him about it. They couldn’t go on like this.

  * * *

  It was teatime when Reggie suddenly appeared. Cat was setting out Eileen’s nightclothes before bathing her ready for bed.

  ‘Hello Auntie,’ he said opening the back door.

  ‘Oh dear God, Reggie, ye gave me such a fright. C’mon in and close the door, I’m just gettin’ Eileen’s bath ready.’ He closed the door and went to stand beside the table where Cat was arranging the soap and towel.

  Reggie poked his head round the door to the parlour. ‘Where’s Billy?’

  ‘He’s out playin’ in the back. G’w’on and call him in will ye, Reg
gie?’

  ‘Is Uncle Louis out there too?’

  ‘No, he’s away seein’ me sister Peggy off back to Ireland.’

  ‘Oh,’ Reggie said unenthusiastically.

  ‘Is anythin’ wrong with ye?’

  ‘No, Auntie. I just wanted to speak to him, that’s all.’

  ‘What about?’

  Reggie blushed, and Cat, thinking he wanted a man-to-man talk with Louis as his own father was dead, decided to drop the subject.

  ‘So, will ye call Billy in Reggie, there’s a good lad.’

  Reggie went out to the back garden where he found Billy digging a hole in the soil so asked him what he was doing.

  ‘Planting flowers.’

  ‘Oh. Where are the flowers then?’

  ‘Here, silly.’

  Reggie looked to where Billy was pointing and saw a few sticks poking out of the earth.

  ‘They’re not flowers, Billy, they are just an old pile of sticks.’

  Billy looked up at Reggie and then down at his collection of little sticks. ‘I put them in the ground. Then I put water on and they grow to flowers, Granddad said!’

  ‘Well they won’t Billy, because they are not flowers, they are just sticks.’

  ‘Granddad said they are.’

  ‘He probably only meant that if you were planting flowers. You can’t grow flowers from old sticks. Anyway your mum wants you to come in now.’

  Billy continued to twiddle the sticks in the earth.

  ‘Come on, Billy, you’ve got to come in now and get ready for bed.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Come on now, Billy, your Mum said so.’

  Billy continued to push the sticks further into the soil, patting the base of each one so that it would stand upright.

  ‘I’ll tell your mum you won’t come if you don’t do it this instant!’

  Billy stood up and rubbed his hands together freeing them of mud. He looked at Reggie sternly, then stomped past him, saying, ‘Them is flowers!’

  Reggie followed Billy indoors where Cat was undressing Eileen on the table. He sat next to Cat as she deftly removed Eileen’s clothes.

  ‘Can I do that Auntie Cat?’