40 Days of Dating: An Experiment
Page 9
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Not really. It’s been a tiring week, and we still have plenty of time to make mistakes!
Additional comments? Jessie hung out with her ex-boyfriend last night. Is she breaking the rules? I’ll give her a pass since they’re friends. Anyway, she texted me while they were out, and asked me if I wanted to join them.
Okay, first, a little backstory. Apparently, he doesn’t like me so much—which I didn’t know until after they broke up. I guess he accused her of flirting with me in front of him. It’s a shame, because I actually enjoyed hanging out with him. Apparently he won’t speak to her about this experiment now, and he’s not too fond of me. So why would I want to hang out with them? I didn’t want to get into any of this, so I stopped responding to her texts.
DAY NINETEEN: APRIL 7, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? We did a “Rapid-Fire Truth Test” experiment today!
Did anything interesting happen? We had our friend Dan Blackman ask us a series of questions about our past and about this relationship.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Tim was very defensive with his answers relating to past relationships and dating. Even after the experiment was over, he seemed to feel the need to justify his past actions to us. It makes me think Tim is not completely comfortable with himself or at peace with his past.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I know I can be overly candid. I know this straightforwardness is a turnoff for some guys, and it’s definitely not Tim’s style. Tim likes to flirt. Tim likes the excitement of the pursuit. He likes to play games. He loves the drama. I hate games. I like to cut to the chase and be real.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Good, I love experiments! Life is a series of experiments. I am constantly testing out new ways to work, live, learn, sleep, act, and react. I am always trying to figure out how to be as productive and happy as I can.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? The experiment today reminded me how gut instincts are often the most honest and interesting. I find this with my creative work, too. While I believe it’s important to exhaust numerous concepts and possibilities, I often come back to my initial ideas. I should stop overthinking things.
Additional comments? Tim looked at me at one point today, with a cute smile, and said, “We’re so crazy.” We really, really are.
DAY NINETEEN: APRIL 7, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Oh yes.
What did y’all do together? Therapy experiment we’re calling a “Rapid-Fire Truth Test.”
Did anything interesting happen? I felt really defensive and incredibly uncomfortable at first. Dan asked questions about topics that aren’t easy to talk about—particularly with a camera on me! Also, everything he asked me had to do with sex, which felt like a setup for failure on my part. I also felt like it was weird timing to do this since we got physical for the first time last night. As the questions rolled on, I did feel more comfortable, but it still wasn’t easy.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Even though Jessie can be quiet and reserved, she’s definitely fearless when it comes to confronting her issues. I admire that.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? It was like looking through a window into my past—everything felt so vivid. It felt weird talking about this stuff, all the emotions left in those sheets, the disappointment I’ve felt, and the disappointment I’ve caused.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? While it’s socially sensationalized and acceptable for men to be promiscuous, I still feel written off as some sort of “womanizer” by today’s questions and from what happened this past week. Just because I’m having fun and I like dating women? I know that I don’t handle every situation in the best way, but I’m usually candid with my intentions. I guess I’m just feeling defensive once again.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Jessie said that I’m controlling. I don’t know if I’m really controlling or if she’s just a bit submissive. I want to stay aware of it, though.
Additional comments? After the Truth Test, Dan and I got some food and watched the Knicks game. He told me about this girl he knew. He thinks she and I would hit it off. We’re practically halfway through right now, and for the first time, I thought about what will happen to Jessie and me when this experiment ends.
DAY TWENTY: APRIL 8, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Oui.
What did y’all do together? We met up at City Bakery in the morning for breakfast.
Did anything interesting happen? I ordered a green juice and a latte, Tim ordered a muffin and a tea. We had small talk at a cute Parisian-style cafe table.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Tim loves to constantly talk. I, on the other hand, hate small talk. I am totally comfortable enjoying silence with the person I am dating, especially if there’s nothing interesting or relevant to talk about. I think my silence drives him nuts.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I am seriously in love with coffee. I drink three to five cups of coffee per day. I love the ritual, the taste, the boost of energy, the reason to take a break. I love it in all its forms: a shot of espresso, a cup of black iced coffee, a creamy latte. I’ll even eat coffee beans straight.
Tim does not drink coffee or espresso. It’s definitely trivial, but I wish we shared the mutual love!
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I wonder if we’ll continue to be physical after we hooked up Saturday night.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? It’s going to be a crazy week of work, and the headaches continue to come and go. No matter what happens, I want to stay calm and stay positive.
Additional comments? I adore giving and receiving handwritten notes. I’ve kept every note that’s ever been given to me in a leather suitcase. While texting and emails take over our lives, a handwritten note feels so much more special and romantic.
At the end of breakfast, Tim handed me an envelope. Inside was the sweetest little twenty-day anniversary card. All smiles over here. It’s amazing how much the little things can be so huge in a relationship.
DAY TWENTY: APRIL 8, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yep.
What did y’all do together? Breakfast at City Bakery. We met close to her work, because I’m trying to be accommodating like a good boyfriend.
Did anything interesting happen? No, not really. She had coffee and a juice, and I had an English Breakfast tea. I quit coffee three years ago, since it wasn’t on good terms with my stomach. We had some small chitchat about nothing really. It reminds me of a fun song that I like by this French singer, Soko. In it, she sings about having pointless chitchat with a guy she likes, along with some other relevant things I’m concerned about.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jessie is kind of bad at flirting. When I like a girl, I like to flirt and play on email/text/messenger during the day. Nothing major or time-consuming, just little things that give energy toward the relationship. It makes me even more excited about the relationship. I keep trying with her, but she’s just so pensive and takes things so literally. I have to accept that it’s just not her thing.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I ask a lot of questions. Jessie is more on the quiet side, and I tend to talk more when someone is quiet. I’m sure this is annoying for her.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I feel good about it! Jessie happy = Timmy happy.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? City Bakery was our second breakfast date recently. It’s a good way to quickly see each other, but it also feels like a cop-out. We should spice it up a bit.
Additional comments? I get this impression that she thinks I’m avoiding
talking about what happened on Saturday night. It’s a two-way street here. She hasn’t brought it up either. I’m sure she’s writing about how I’m the one who’s avoiding this whole thing . . .
DAY TWENTY-ONE: APRIL 9, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? My day was packed with tight deadlines, and I knew I’d be working late, so we met up for lunch by my office at a restaurant called Trailer Park. I used to come here once a week with my friend Michael to talk about life. There is something about the combination of their comfort food and potent margaritas that makes you really honest.
Did anything interesting happen? Tim was in a great mood. He was laid back, didn’t have a lot of work, and was enjoying a book in the sunny 80° weather. The book Tim was reading is about archetypes of men and women. Tim thinks I fall within the “good girl” role and that I should channel my masculine energy more.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? He’s bothered by the fact that I go out of my way to accommodate the people I care about. He thinks I am too forgiving and empathetic, and that I’ve let friends or past lovers take advantage of this. I like to make people that I’m close to feel comfortable and happy. I prefer to let the little things go in any relationship. I don’t like unnecessary conflict or drama. When I give in to him, he says I have no backbone and that I should stand up for myself. But he’s bothered when I stand up for myself and ask for what I want. He definitely likes to be the one in control of a relationship. Lately I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can’t win with Tim.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Tim’s book about male and female archetypes reminded me of my psychology classes in college. I was fascinated by Carl Jung’s theories of archetypes and the collective unconscious. Jung defined twelve primary types that each have their own set of values. His book Psychological Types was eventually put to practical use through the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which is a questionnaire designed to measure how people perceive the world. I just took the test, and I am the INFJ (Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling) type.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I discovered extensive writing about these various archetypes and how we approach love and relationships. They even tell you which psychological types are a good love match. Here are my results. Apparently, I would be best suited with an ENTP or an ENFP. Tim is an ENJF. Apparently INFJ’s and ENFJ’s are better as friends than as lovers.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? My results say that INFJs seek intense and meaningful relationships which are long-term. I wonder, is part of our approach to love embedded in our personalities? How much can we really change? Do I even want to change? What is so wrong about seeking a healthy, committed relationship?
Additional comments? I was quiet at lunch because I had another headache attack. I felt bad that I couldn’t engage more with Tim. I usually try my best to avoid telling Tim about the headaches. He was annoyed with me for being aloof, so I had to tell him. I don’t like to complain or to put negative energy onto others. Just because I am in pain doesn’t mean I need to be one.
DAY TWENTY-ONE: APRIL 9, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? We met for a quick lunch. I came over by her work, and we ended up going to this funny place called Trailer Park that’s decorated like . . . a trailer park. We split a BLT and an order of Tater Tots. Very healthy. Anyway, I was really excited about those Tots, and they did not let me down.
Did anything interesting happen? I was explaining to Jessie about a book I’m reading. I was excited to share it with her. She really didn’t seem interested in discussing it, though—and again, we sat there stuck in a rut, not really talking. I got annoyed about this.
I didn’t learn until later in the lunch that she was having really bad headaches again. Why doesn’t she tell me this stuff? It would be nice to know so I don’t interpret it differently. Instead, I have to delicately wheedle information out of her in order to find out what the hell is really going on. Then, of course, I felt bad for being annoyed with her. I wish I could just help her out with these damn headaches!
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? While Jessie is a powerhouse professionally, I think she lacks an ability to take control of her romantic relationships. It’s hard for her to confront major relationship issues, since she hates conflict. When she’s in love, she sometimes puts her man before herself, a trait I personally do not find attractive. She can fall in love so hard, and so fast, that I think she is occasionally blinded by shortcomings the relationship or the guy might have.
Some women wait their whole lives to find a “soul mate,” and then they just settle for a guy who’s got a good job, or a guy with a nice apartment, or a guy who will simply stay with them. Jessie is definitely still looking for her soul mate, and I worry about this. I once hung out with a single Jessie one week, then went on a work trip, only to come back the next week and find her totally “in love.” And when it didn’t work out she was devastated.
I read a lot about mythology, and part of the book I’m reading explains how women and men have both male and female sides/energies inside of them. For instance, a female with a healthy balance of male energy doesn’t worry about being the “good girl” or doing what’s “right.” But if your feminine side is too developed, then there’s no direction in your life. On the other hand, if your male side is too developed, then there’s no meaning behind your direction and you can feel entirely lost. Many old fairy tales touch on this dichotomy and the importance of having a balance of both. I was thinking about this on my way to meet Jessie. In some ways, I think she suffers from this energy imbalance in relationships.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? It’s easy for me to compartmentalize things in my life, and not let my “worlds collide” like that old Seinfeld episode. Mainly, my creative work is the focal point, and everything else in my life fits around that without much leakage. I know it’s very selfish, but lately I tend to let everything else fall by the wayside. I can already see how I’m just putting Jessie in a little box, not letting her touch the rest of my life. I know this isn’t healthy. I’d like to change it, but I’m not sure how to really do that right now.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? During lunch, she mentioned that she feels awkward about hooking up on Saturday. I guess because I haven’t shown her any intimacy since then, and we haven’t talked about it. I don’t feel so weird, and I was open to talking about how she was feeling. I know she’s having these headaches, but she was sulking. There’s no sulking around Tater Tots!
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I’m so relaxed about everything, while Jessie thinks about everything so much. I want to be more considerate about how she’s feeling.
Additional comments? A couple nights ago, Jessie and I were talking about our place in the universe, and the idea of “nothingness.” We’re both curious about what brings real meaning to our lives. It’s shocking how many girls I can date, how long I can date them, and how rarely I ever have a conversation like this with any of them. It was nice.
DAY TWENTY-TWO: APRIL 10, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? We both teach class from 6:00 to 9:00 PM at the School of Visual Arts. After class, Tim and I usually meet our friend Michael for drinks and hummus at the Bluebell Cafe. My class went a little later, so I met them at the restaurant, where they were already eating and drinking.
Did anything interesting happen? I was in a particularly good and energetic mood. My students did great work for our class, and I slept well last night. It was the first night in a month that I was able to sleep without sleeping pills, so I was feeling pretty awesome. Tim kept talking about how great my mood was, how lively I seemed, and how this made him feel
closer to me.
He also said he really liked my outfit. I was wearing bright blue pants, tan boots, and a loose sheer white tee. Usually, I just wear black or gray. When we were outside waiting for a cab, I tried to be flirtatious with him, but he seemed distant, and we parted ways.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Tim can be sensitive and flustered. We explained the Truth Test experiment that we did to Michael. Tim became worked up about it—he is concerned about coming off as the “bad guy.” I often feel as if I am walking on eggshells around him, which can be stressful.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I’m happy I’ve stayed in touch with almost all my ex-boyfriends. While we didn’t work out romantically, there was a reason I had a connection with each of them. After our “exes” project on day five, Tim and I asked them to write us letters about the relationships we shared. Here’s what I received:
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I’m feeling pretty great about everything today!
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I’ve suffered from insomnia, on and off, since I was twelve years old. My doctor prescribed Zaleplon and Ativan to help. However, my mood is significantly better when I get natural sleep. I’d like to find a way to cut out the medication.