40 Days of Dating: An Experiment
Page 17
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? She’s one of the best sidekicks I’ve ever had. Today was very carefree, and it made me feel like a kid again. I guess sometimes we can be us, even for a day. We never talked about last night—instead we went strolling, drinking, eating bad food, sneaking into rides, and doing it all with ease. It reminded me why we’re such good friends in the first place.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Perhaps it’s all a self-fulfilling prophecy, just playing out my role, as Jocelyn said, repeating the same pattern over and over again. I can see Jessie’s complexity and it scares the hell out of me. And the parameters of this experiment didn’t allow me to see things very clearly. This was like boot camp, and we learned stuff about each other that one wouldn’t normally know for a long time. Maybe we should have seen this coming the whole time. While I feel exhausted from it all right now, I also feel a real sense of hope for myself. This has completely challenged my personal life, the way I conduct myself, the way I approach relationships, how I consider the consequences of my actions, and my ability to let a woman into my life emotionally. I’m forever grateful for that.
I had something I made for her before the trip, but considering what happened last night, I didn’t know whether I should give it to her. Before heading to the airport she gave me an envelope that had the book When We Were Very Young by A.A. Milne in it. There was also a sweet card inside.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Ultimately I think we make a great couple on paper, but reality is a completely different story. Selfishly, part of me wishes that she could be more of an aggressor, someone who would try to convince me to change my mind once. I know it’s not her style, but, selfishly, I wish her actions showed it as much as her words. Maybe she gives up too quickly. Maybe I want someone who’s gonna fight for me. Maybe that’s all BS, and I’m just making cowardly excuses. Maybe she just loves love. Maybe I’m just a scared little boy who can’t man up. Whatever it is, I know she deserves more. She doesn’t deserve someone who is unsure about her.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? My whole life has been turned inside out from this crazy experiment. It’s 3:00 AM and I’m listening to the most ridiculous Phil Collins song right now. I don’t miss dating different women. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, nor do I want to go back to my old habits. I do want to be in a relationship. I do want something meaningful. It’s been a while since I’ve let a woman in, and I do want to share my life with the right person.
Additional comments? In mythology, once an adventure is over and the reward has been secured, the hero or heroine usually leaves the “special world” to go back to the world where he or she first began. The final test for the hero is to realize what they’re bringing back to the old world, literally or metaphorically. They have lived to tell their story and to inform society. That gives me a lot of solace. While I do feel heartbroken right now, I feel a tremendous amount of hope for my future.
On the cab ride home, we barely spoke. We did, however, agree that everything would be okay no matter where we go from here. I thought of that Bob Dylan song where he says, “I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul.” And I know that what I could offer right now would never be enough for someone like Jessie. Jessie wants it all, and who am I to take that away from her? Who am I to string her along? I also know that I shouldn’t string myself along either.
As the cab driver pulled up to my apartment, we laughed because it was literally 11:57 P.M. as day forty-one was approaching. I just can’t believe it’s over. I feel so close to her. I know now that I’m in love with her. I love her, yet I know there’s nothing else I can do. We kissed. I gave her a gift. We kissed one more time. I shut the cab door, and I walked away.
OUR THERAPIST
This experiment began in the name of self-discovery, so naturally we wanted to challenge ourselves in that vein as much as possible. After we decided that one of our rules had to be seeing a therapist once a week, we went in search of one who would not only get what we were doing, but who also had no prior knowledge of either one of us and could be objective. Jocelyn was one of the therapists recommended to us, and we knew right away that she was the one. We trusted our gut, and we were right. She became our “safe place,” and in many ways, she helped us keep our sanity throughout the experiment and to remain friends to the present day. Below are her reflections about her experience with us.—Tim & Jessie
What makes a relationship? I read an article once about a happily married couple who decided to try an experiment in which each created an authentic profile (minus their marital status) on several popular online dating websites. They wanted to see if they would be matched with each other. Not a single site offered either of them up as a potential match for the other. I guess there’s no accounting for chemistry.
What makes some relationships work and others fail can be mysterious. Are friendship, respect, common interests, and mutual attraction enough? I considered this question following my first meeting with Tim and Jessie in which they explained their project and enlisted my help. I was dubious, to say the least. If transforming their casual friendship into a meaningful romantic relationship was a realistic possibility, then why hadn’t it happened naturally? My initial impulse was that such a transformation was no more realistic than me transforming, over the course of forty days, into the starting center for the New York Knicks.
Yet, despite my skepticism, I found the project intriguing. What captured my interest most was Tim and Jessie’s willingness to be vulnerable—to expose their innermost selves to each other and to me, and to do so without the safety and security of an established relationship. They were venturing out on an emotional limb with this project, and I decided to join them.
Though much of what transpired in our sessions was typical of traditional couples treatments, I soon recognized that something extraordinary was occurring. The structure of the experiment begged of them to observe their relationship patterns and behaviors and the impact of those patterns and behaviors in real time, as they were happening. So much of what occurs in traditional couples therapy is in the past tense, relayed through the (often distorted) lens of hindsight and with the weight of a shared history. This project was different in that it created an opportunity for Tim and Jessie to be real-time relationship scientists—to observe their typical romantic behaviors and tendencies in the present moment and to get a firsthand account of the impact on the other party. Imagine how much you might learn about yourself if you could ask a first date what they really thought about you and the date! This is what it was like for Tim and Jessie in our sessions, which were sometimes flattering and exciting, other times uncomfortable and painful, but always illuminating.
As the project progressed, what had initially presented as common if not gender-stereotypical relationship dynamics—he, a commitment-phobe; she, a romance addict—emerged as much more complex and nuanced. It became clear that both Tim and Jessie’s relationship patterns were largely related to their particular family histories. In short, Jessie’s tendency to love quickly and with a marked lack of self-protection revealed itself to be deeply tied to her efforts to replicate her parents’ marriage, which she highly idealizes. Tim’s identification with a parental figure takes a different form—by abandoning women after brief periods of dating, he is replicating the actions of his father, who abandoned both his mother and him. In leaving women first, he beats them to the punch and thus avoids the realization of his own abandonment fears.
During their “experiment,” both Tim and Jessie played out their typical relationship roles. She gave her heart away, perhaps too quickly and without the proper defenses. He abandoned the possibility of pursuing the relationship—perhaps for good reason, due to certain basic incompatibilities, but perhaps also a bit too quickly. In that sense, it was not such a departure from past relationships, but with one important distinction. Though they were engaging in many of the same old behaviors, they
were doing so without wearing the same old blinders. Automatic and largely unconscious relationship behaviors were exchanged for insight and awareness. It is this insight and awareness that will, I hope, help each of them to have more satisfying relationships in the future. Their forty-day romance didn’t have a Hollywood ending, but the outcome for each of them is one this couples therapist can appreciate.
—Jocelyn W. Charnas, Clinical Psychologist
We continued to keep our journals after the forty days were finished. The following excerpts reveal what happened between us over the months that followed—what we were feeling, how confused we were, how complicated things became, how we decided to do the blog, and the incredible outpouring of fans and media attention in response to it.
Jessica Walsh
April 29, 2013: It was the first day after Day 40. I was heading home from work when I received this email from Tim. I called him to talk about it. He sounded depressed. He said he had been staring at his computer screen most of the day in his apartment, trying to work, but he was unable to concentrate or get anything done. He said he felt empty, like he had lost something.
I had some time today to think about what has happened over the past few days. I am not entirely sure Tim was really ready to end things between us. I think he cares about me more than he is letting on. Even on our plane ride home, he said he wanted to keep dating, but he really feared screwing things up further. He repeatedly asked me “why” I liked him so much, as if doubting his own self-worth. It’s hard to tell what was going through his head, or why he kissed me last night as if he wasn’t ready to let go.
I am also not entirely sure he fully understands why he wanted to end things. Maybe it’s because we were wrong for each other. Or maybe he was pushing me away to see if I’d fight back. Maybe he is insecure, and by default my interest in him makes him think he can do better. Or perhaps he does just love the chase and wasn’t satisfied that I wouldn’t give it to him. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things. Whatever it is, I wish he could be more decisive.
April 31, 2013: Tim asked how I was holding up. Usually I feel so down when a relationship fails. I was feeling depressed in Disney World and on the plane ride home. However, since I’ve been back I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom. At the same time, hearing Tim’s sadness on the phone the other day, but not feeling the same way myself, has brought tremendous feelings of guilt. Shouldn’t I feel grief? I told my friend about my confusion. She said getting out of a bad relationship is like having a wisdom tooth pulled: You don’t realize how bad it was until it’s gone. My mom always said you should never chase affection; people usually show you what they’re willing to give rather quickly and if it’s not given freely, it’s not worth having.
I’ve had this insight: I was so caught up in trying to make things work between us that I was blinded by how the relationship was failing me. Tim would never really let me in emotionally in a deep and trusting way, and I want that kind of intimacy with a partner. No matter how close we became, there was always a wall up around him, as if he couldn’t fully trust himself, or me. On the plane when we talked about our decision to end things, and he was wavering on what to do, I assured him if he did really like me, there wouldn’t even be a need for a decision. That this shouldn’t be so difficult. I told him that when you know it’s right, you just know. Truthfully, though, I don’t know. Maybe we could have had a chance if he had let us. Maybe we could have had a chance if I had fought for him. But I have to question why I didn’t. I guess I was just tired of his uncertainty and negativity and knew deep down that the absence of emotional intimacy would always be a problem. I guess in part I was also looking for a way out.
May 2, 2013: Sometimes it scares me how my emotions and moods can waver. Earlier this week I journaled about how I felt such a huge sense of relief now that the experiment, our relationship, was over. I’ve felt confident and relieved to be single. Yet now, only a few days later, I am lonely. It’s a Friday night and most of my friends are out of town. My sister is busy and I find myself bored, restless, and wondering what’s next. After a glass of wine, I had a moment of weakness. I went online and reactivated my OkCupid account. I was immediately bombarded with dozens of messages and requests, but I didn’t respond to anyone; I’m not ready to date. I guess I just needed a little ego boost, pathetic as it sounds. How can I go from complete confidence one day to falling into a hole of insecurity the next?
May 3, 2013: I miss hanging out with Tim as a friend. I hope we can get back to how things were before the experiment. I texted him to let him know:
After his sad call the other day, I can’t tell what this means. “I miss hanging out with you” and “I miss you” are two different things. I am probably reading too much into it, but I want to be careful not to mislead him. It goes back to the age-old question: Can men and women just be friends? We were friends before, but we were still, in some ways, always curious about each other. We’ve talked before about whether this experiment was a way to date each other without the usual risks. In a way, the experiment provided some sort of protection for us: It had a built-in expiration date. It was supposed to end. Anyways, I hope we can go back to being friends.
May 4, 2013: I went to Los Angeles for the weekend. I made dinner plans with my friend Nicole and her wife, Noreen. They met last year, fell in love instantly, were engaged within a few days, and got married after a few weeks. Their story is a reminder of how quickly life can change. It also makes me excited that my future in this arena is wide open and unknown. I told them about my history of failed relationships this past year, and now this crazy experiment with Tim.
Noreen told me I am probably going after the wrong guys. She said she had been searching for the right partner for years with no luck. Finally, a friend gave her a book, which said that in order to find the right person, you need to have complete clarity and focus on who you are looking for. It suggests making a list of all the qualities you are looking for in a partner and to remind yourself of the list often. So Noreen wrote her list on a chalkboard wall in her bathroom and stared at it for days. Two weeks later, she met Nicole, who embodied everything she was looking for. I’m not sure I believe all this, but it can’t hurt! So I made my list:
May 7, 2013: This week Tim and I had planned to have a final therapy session with our therapist, Jocelyn. The idea was to review everything that had happened during the experiment and talk about what we were feeling now and what we have learned. The problem is, I have a bad feeling about it. I worry that if Tim wasn’t ready to end things, he might use this as an opportunity to try to start things up again. Which would be fine, if he is 100 percent sure and confident about wanting to date me, but if that’s the case he should man up and just say it. He shouldn’t need a couples therapist to gain the courage for that.
May 9, 2013: Tim came by my studio this morning. We had planned to go through the journal entries we’d kept during the 40 Days experiment. As we were reading through our first few entries, side by side, we were shocked at how differently we interpreted the same experiences. We found the male/ female perspective to be fascinating. We knew that our relationship issues were universal and we thought people might relate to our struggles and failures, and through our story they might be inspired to seek out answers for themselves. So we talked about the idea of sharing our journal entries with the public and made the final decision to post the entries online via a blog. It will be a lot of work putting it all together, but we think it will be worth it.
As I was reading through his entries, Tim walked up behind me and grabbed me around the waist. He drew me in, hugged me tightly, and kissed me a few times softly on the side of my head. He held me like this for a minute in silence. I froze as I sorted through my feelings. What was he was doing? What was I doing? Did he want to be friends with benefits? Did he want to be with me again? I pulled away and asked him what was going on. He said he’d been wondering what it would be like if we could date without all the
rules, outside of the context of the experiment. That he was afraid he had made a mistake. But he also told me that the experiment had happened so fast, and he didn’t have enough perspective yet on it to know his mind completely. He said he was confused.
The uncertainty was the perfect reminder of everything that was wrong between us romantically. I don’t want to date Tim again if he’s still confused and emotionally detached. It’s not attractive to me. I want a man who is sure of himself and of what he wants, appreciates me, and is proud to have me by his side. I told Tim he was being unfair and he should make up his mind about what he wants before getting involved again. That if he was really serious and sure about dating me, we could talk, but otherwise we should just focus on rebuilding our friendship.
May 12, 2013: After much thought, I decided to stop going to my own therapist, who I’ve been seeing for almost a year now. When I started seeing him, I had developed all this anxiety about keeping up appearances and expectations, and about maintaining a certain level of achievement. Suddenly the work that once brought me joy was attached to fears. I realize now how ridiculous that mind-set was. I was putting way too much pressure on myself and causing so much unnecessary stress. No wonder I was jumping into relationships so quickly: I was looking for a distraction, anything to replace the enjoyment and love I used to get out of my work. Of course those relationships failed!