August 20, 2013: Last night we had dinner with a reporter from Newsweek. It did not go well at all, to say the least. She was egging me on from the moment we sat down, and throughout the entire dinner she kept poking at the fact that some women think I’m misogynistic, and how everyone just “loves Jessie.” She clearly had an agenda, which was disappointing. There hadn’t been much confrontation from the media so far and I was not prepared for this, so naturally I started getting very defensive—which only helped her case (i.e., angry misogynist getting angry at the female journalist). At one point, I told her that I felt like a zoo animal, and that I was ready to leave because we had already spent over two hours with her. I was tired, and I felt like she was monitoring my every move, patronizing me whenever she could. She continued, making remarks when we were ordering like, “Oh, but you don’t like to share, right?” (A reference to Day Nine on the blog, when Jessie and I were at the Knicks game and I asked her to order her own dessert.) I really did not understand it. Was she projecting her own issues on the way I live my life? Is she just angry at men? She seemed interested only in stirring things up to create a story. For Jessie and me, the whole point of this experiment was to work on our issues. We acknowledged our issues and then volunteered to call attention to them in the hopes of learning and evolving from the experience. Why attack me for it? I’ve generally been okay with the criticisms, but of course it can get to me at times. As we walked away from the restaurant, Jessie told me that she didn’t like how I had behaved. Well, what does she expect? This journalist obviously had it in for me. We’ve both been getting a fair share of criticism that isn’t always easy to swallow, but it’s also very obvious that more people are on “team Jessie.” I guess it’s easy to root for the one who “loves love.” Today, Jessie agreed that the Newsweek reporter was unfair, and she wrote me a nice email.
August 21, 2013: Reliving the forty days all over again, with the world reading and chiming in, has been painful at times. Obviously, we didn’t anticipate how big this would get, so there was no way to prepare for all this. I talked to my friend Les tonight. In regards to all the press, as well as the difficulties Jessie and I are having with each other, he gave me this fantastic piece of advice:
August 22, 2013: Today Jessie and I decided to see our therapist, Jocelyn. It’s been four months since the experiment ended, and we’re constantly at odds about everything. Last week we were literally fighting about how we each interpreted an old fight between us! It’s gotten out of control, so we decided that if there’s any hope for us to continue as friends and as future business partners, then Jocelyn’s the only one who can help us right now. The pressure from this project, from the press, the demands, and the attention we’re getting from Hollywood has just become too overwhelming. We needed to hash it all out and get to the root of it all, like what happened in Disney World. I know it might seem counterproductive to open up these wounds, but they haven’t been cleaned out properly. We both felt like we needed this. Jocelyn said that so many of our issues are probably based on the fact that deep down Jessie felt rejected by me, but also that my telling her I loved her was damaging to our friendship. It was extremely difficult to go through the session, but it did feel good to discuss this with an objective third party.
September 1, 2013: When the blog first went live in July, I was getting stopped on the street once a week, but now it’s happening two or three times a day. It happens in the grocery store, on the train, on the street, in LA, you name it. Sometimes they want to take selfies with me, but usually they just say, “Hey, I love your blog!” or they ask, “Did you guys stay together?” However, lately it’s been getting a little weird. First, I noticed on Twitter that people were taking pictures of me on the street then posting them! This made me nervous, to say the least. Second, I was walking down the street tonight, and this girl from inside a restaurant sees me and runs out of the restaurant to talk to me. She was frantic, out of breath, and very excited. We took a photo together. Is this real life? I had a coffee date with a girl last Saturday, and we were walking around Williamsburg enjoying the wonderful weather. She wanted to stop by her apartment to pick something up. While I was waiting outside for her, I casually checked Twitter. I saw three different people tweet that “Dude from 40 Days of Dating is on a date in Williamsburg!” I freaked out and made us jump in a cab immediately.
Conley
Spotted Tim (the dude from 40 Days of Dating project) with another chick. Now we all know that experiment didn’t work.
Maryellen
I saw him in Gramercy on Saturday. This is my creeper shot:
Angela
Totally just saw the guy from 40 Days of Dating come out of a (his?) apartment in the city lol
Rodrigo
Omg! Street sighting of @jessicawalsh and @timothyogoodman. Doh! I should’ve said hello. #fail
Selena
Spotted: @timothyogoodman of #40daysofdating
Tiffany
Just peeped the 40 Days of Dating guy hailing a cab on 7th Avenue. He’s much taller in person!
Some people want relationship advice from us. Yesterday, some girl stopped me on the street by Union Square, told me all about her current relationship, and asked for my opinion. I find this particularly funny, because the very reason Jessie and I did this experiment was because we’re bad at relationships! Yet, now, people see us as some sort of “experts” on the matter.
September 6, 2013: About a month ago we signed with the talent agency, CAA, but since we’re not in show business, everything has been completely new territory for us. We’re not sure who to trust or what advice to follow. We’ve been learning on the fly. Thank goodness we have each other. Things have been going much smoother for us since we went to therapy. Even though we can still piss each other off, we’re miles ahead of where we were a couple weeks ago. It’s been really nice. Anyway, we’ve made a couple trips out to LA recently, and we went back out there this past week for meetings. Our agents put us on this crazy ten-hour-a-day schedule full of meetings, coffees, and dinners with all kinds of people in Hollywood. We’re not quite sure if we want to turn 40 Days into a movie or a TV series, so this was extremely important. We got to meet some of the most amazing people in Hollywood this week. I’m not going to rattle off all the names, but I want to say that Kristen Bell and her friend/writing partner, Laura Moses, are so cool, and some of the most fun and down-to-earth people I’ve met. Also, we had drinks with Zooey Deschanel yesterday. Of all the people we’ve met in Hollywood so far, I must admit that I was most excited to meet her. I’ve literally been listening to the new She & Him album all summer. Because of the nature of this project, everyone naturally opens up to us about their personal relationship histories. It’s been very humbling to hear this from fans of the project, but it’s been utterly fascinating to hear stories from people we consider “stars.” It’s amazing to create something that so many people, from so many walks of life, can relate to. It reminds me of this quote from the French painter Françoise Gilot: “I’ve never believed in doing work for ’the happy few.’ I’ve always felt that painting must awaken something even in the man who doesn’t ordinarily look at pictures, just as in Molière there is always something to make the very intelligent person laugh and also the person who understands nothing. In Shakespeare, too. And in my work, just as in Shakespeare, there are often burlesque things and relatively vulgar things. In that way I reach everybody.”
September 9, 2013: Jessie and I were live on the TODAY show this morning. There are no words for Matt Lauer. On Friday, we posted Day Forty on the blog, and I believe we had over 300,000 hits. All I remember is being in the green room, sitting next to CeeLo Green with a pound of makeup on my face and having Jessie say to me, “You need to do all the talking because I’m blacking out right now.” Ha! After the show, I got calls and emails from the most random people: neighbors, friends’ sisters, old lovers, old neighbors, you name it. I haven’t heard from some of these people in twenty years! Also, J
essie’s boyfriend is not happy with me. While we were doing the show, they asked us to hang out on a couch for ten seconds while they filmed us then cut to a commercial. Jessie was extremely nervous, so I told her that I’d be stupid and try to make her laugh and make her feel better. So I said something like “Oh, baby, you look so hot right now,” and as it turned out, unbeknownst to me, the mic was on. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m always messing around, and I’m always innocently flirting. I meant nothing by it! Anyway, I wouldn’t blame Zak for being upset or suspicious of me, but it was only a joke.
September 12, 2013: I’d be remiss if I was anything but appreciative, but since we were on TODAY a couple days ago, I’ve been feeling increasingly down about everything. It’s been such an unreal high the last two months: All the attention Jessie and I have received has made this the most profound and exhilarating time in my life. We’re still getting hundreds of messages from people. Some write us novels about their personal lives and their relationship history, and some are asking for advice on their own relationships.
Today I decided to answer this random girl’s Facebook message. She’s going through a difficult time in her relationship, and she wanted advice. I’m not one to shy away, so I gave her some advice! But by connecting with her, I felt like I was working on my own relationship questions post-experiment. We’re all going through the same thing in different ways, no matter who we are.
September 18, 2013: It’s official: We agreed to a film deal with Warner Brothers! We’re crazy excited to finally make a decision after a month of meetings and Hollywood courting. This is just bananas. The amazingly talented and very cool Lorene Scafaria will be adapting the story into a screenplay. I still can’t believe that our little project, with no budget, no publicist, and only a wish to share our story, has gotten to this point. We’re also about to land a book deal with Abrams very soon. Pinching myself!
September 28, 2013: Since the beginning, there has been a good amount of hate expressed toward us and this project, which is predictable, I guess. I’d say that most of the comments, about 75 percent, have been positive. I get it, because launching something so personal and controversial will inevitably bring the haters. We put our love lives out there, so in a way, we asked for this. But reading awful comments from strangers on CNN or in Time magazine is one thing. Hate coming from peers in my own industry—people I know, people I’ve had drinks with—is another thing. Obviously, it hurts. To me, 40 Days of Dating is so much more than just a design project. Thinking only as designers would have limited the project. As designers, we are able to tell great and memorable stories; we have the tools to use our lives as catalysts to connect with people of all walks of life, all over the world. That little kid in St. Louis is excited when he opens his new Nike package, or his new iPhone, just like that girl in Minnesota who is touched by our 40 Days story and after reading it feels like she has the courage to tackle her own relationship fears. This is what we can do with design. We have voices, and Jessie and I chose to use ours in a different way. We created this from the ground up, with no publicist, no budget, and no real motive beyond telling our story in a meaningful way. It was a huge risk, both professionally and personally. I think we should all use our voices and our talents to have a larger dialogue, to show the world new ways to think about life.
October 12, 2013: Jessie and I were invited to the premiere of the Spike Jonze movie Her. I was super excited about this. After the premiere, we went to the after-party at the Standard Hotel. Jessie got drunk and ended up telling me, like she always does, that she thinks I’m crazy. We shared a couple of nice moments, and I was reminded of why I love Jessie as a friend so much. As much as we drive each other crazy sometimes, and as much as I’m now sure it would never work out between us, we still have an undeniable connection. I mean, what we’ve gone through together is not natural, and we’ve pretty much worn every label two people can possibly wear: friends, lovers, exes, creative partners, and now business partners who are going through the insanity of this all together. It’s kind of amazing, actually.
October 15, 2013: Since the random hookup in LA, I’ve been on very good behavior as far as women go. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and had some nice times, but I haven’t been leading anyone on. I’m sincerely trying to meet someone I can connect with. A couple of weeks ago I met an LA girl who was in NYC for work. We hung out for the entire week. I really liked her. I made plans to go out to LA and visit her this weekend. Everything was set, plane trips were booked, and I was excited. But only days before my flight out, she canceled on me. Apparently she decided to get serious with a guy she’s been seeing on and off for the last couple months. I’m pretty shocked by this rejection. Another girl that I had a couple of good dates with turned out to have dated a good friend of mine a couple years ago, and he’s still very much hung up on her. He told me that he’d have a problem with it if I dated her. I have no interest in damaging our friendship, so I’m walking away from this one.
November 12, 2013: Jessie is moving in with her boyfriend. I was just telling someone how Jessie has learned to slow down in relationships because of the experiment. Well, I guess not. As long as she’s happy. Jessie and I had coffee today, and she broke the news that I’m not invited to her housewarming party. At first, I understood. They’re starting a life together, and they want some space. The next day it began to bother me. Aren’t there other options, like asking me to bring a date? As much as I understand, it still hurts. Jessie was sweet and ended up apologizing to me a few days later.
November 20, 2013: Okay, I think I’ve gone on a downward spiral to my old ways since I was rejected last month. On the one hand, I’m not leading anyone on, nor am I “dating” multiple people at the same time. But I am meeting a lot of different women right now, going out on many dates, having fun and sometimes being intimate, but usually always feeling disappointed. Here’s what my current dating life looks like:
1. Last month, Jessie and I were in LA having dinner with our agents. We headed over to the Palihouse for some drinks afterward. Jessie was tipsy from her usual three drinks, and I ended up hitting it off with our waitress. She had dirty-blonde hair, and oddly, she was wearing a Denver Broncos pin. I’m no big football fan, but I made a few comments about Peyton Manning, and the next thing I knew I was leaving with her phone number. I was amazed by how flirty she was with me in front of Jessie—for all she knew, Jessie could have been my girlfriend. We went out the next night and had a lot of fun.
2. A couple of weeks ago, I was out on a third date with a woman I met at a birthday party, and she said to me, “To be creative is to be fearless. There are women who will take care of you and there are women who will inspire you. Rarely will they be both. I want to be your muse.” I knew it was over then.
3. I met a very pretty woman at an industry event, we met up for drinks later that night, and she came back to my place. We went out again a week later, but she was one of these super soft-talkers and it was driving me bonkers. I literally had to ask her the same question three times to finally understand what she was saying. And she was a big fan of 40 Days of Dating, talked about it way too much, and ultimately that was a big turnoff.
4. I recently started hanging out with Alma. She has no interest in being serious with me, she’s dating other men, and she’s generally into the idea of us just using each other physically. I’ve never met anyone with that name, and I can’t help but think of that chapter “Alma” in Junot Díaz’s incredible book This Is How You Lose Her. The ending goes like this: “Instead of lowering your head and copping to it like a man, you pick up the journal as one might hold a baby’s beshatted diaper, as one might pinch a recently be-nutted condom. You glance at the offending passages. Then you look at her and smile a smile your dissembling face will remember until the day you die. Baby, you say, baby, this is part of my novel. This is how you lose her.”
5. Today, I met an absolutely gorgeous woman for coffee. She’s one of those women who makes you look at
yourself and think, “Damn I’m ugly.” She lives in LA, and we first met on Facebook months ago. We’ve been periodically chatting online ever since, and she was in NYC for the weekend to see her family, who live here. We met at a coffee shop in SoHo. Apparently, some guy there recognized me and did a play-by-play convo on Twitter about my encounter with her. I only know about this because he messaged me later in the day saying, “Great to see you in action, playa!” Wow. Pretty scary, but admittedly I thought it was funny. Meta on meta on meta on meta.
40 Days of Dating: An Experiment Page 21