Double
@missmorgan100 The guy from 40 Days of Dating is at the same coffee shop as me.
Morgan
@doubleduez WHATT. Alone...?
Morgan
@doubleduez Ahahahahaha. My god, it is him!
Double
@missmorgan100 Actually, he looks like he’s meeting someone here. I’m gonna watch.
Double
@missmorgan100 And she’s gorgeous.
Double
@missmorgan100 I wanted to say “appreciate your work, Bro” but I was afraid of salting his game. Haha!
Morgan
@doubleduez Wait, that’s spectacular. (!!) Also, so was she... how does he do it?
Double
@missmorgan100 Do what?
Morgan
@doubleduez Get all these beautiful women!
Double
@missmorgan100 I heard a “nice to meet you”. So...Tinder?
Morgan
@doubleduez Ooooo...or a set-up?
Morgan
@missmorgan100 Yea, perhaps. He was definitely meeting her here. I was about to leave but now spying.
Double
@missmorgan100 He’s disheveled and energetic, a distant gaze but focused on the conversation. Animated and devoid of his phone. She’s grasping her phone, involved in the convo but not animated, distant, yet accepting. Great physical poise.
Morgan
@doubleduez Hmmm. He’s good at this, I’d say the interest isn’t necessarily quite genuine. Her, well...don’t you think she googled him?
Double
@missmorgan100 She teases her hair and still texts. He seems bothered but focused on meeting up later, after her dinner plans. He’s still good looking, interesting, successful and charming. I never google a girl, do people do that?
Double
@missmorgan100 The point when he asked about after dinner changed it all. She put her phone away and started chasing and he seems to not care. That was his move.
Morgan
@doubleduez Wow, have I forgotten how this game works. Can’t figure it out...not set up?? (And is her dinner with friends?!)
Double
@missmorgan100 I dunno. It all left me very curious. Fun to have seen him in action!
December 16, 2013: Last night I heard the best feedback I’ve ever received about this project: This woman I met at a Christmas party told me that after discovering that I was a mentor at Big Brothers Big Sisters on 40 Days of Dating, it inspired her to join BBBS herself. Now she’s a mentor for a young girl. I was so incredibly touched by that. It’s just another example of why we put this out there, and how many different ways we can connect with people as visual storytellers.
In other news, the media onslaught continues. A couple days ago we were guests on The View! You better believe my mom and all her friends were excited. It was nice to see Jessie, too. For the most part, things have finally calmed down between us. However, we haven’t been in nearly as many meetings or done nearly as much press lately, so we haven’t seen each other much lately, outside of the early stage of working on the 40 Days book. It was great to see her, and really fun to talk about the experiment again.
January 14, 2014: Last night we had a reunion with our mutual design friends (all of whom were on that trip with us to Miami when we first had the idea to do the experiment). Safe to say, nothing has been the same since that trip, and it’s been a long time since all of us have been together. It was nice to see everyone. We met at a little dive bar in the East Village. When I first got there, I noticed that Jessie seemed chirpy and light, which is when she’s at her best. She immediately said to me, “Let’s go get a drink.” On our way to the bar, she told me that Zak had proposed to her the previous night and that she said yes. It seemed like she braced herself for some sort of negative comment or extreme reaction from me, but I wasn’t going to do that. Did it hurt me? Yes, but not because I think Jessie and I should be together, or that I made a mistake by not staying with her. I love our friendship, and I think we both know that we don’t belong together. I’m very happy for her and Zak. The next day, I still couldn’t quite figure out why I felt so down about it. I was talking to my buddy Greg, and he gave me some amazing advice that put it all in perspective.
Basically, what it comes down to is this: I went through a deeply profound and very unique experience with Jessie, someone who I truly care about. So now she’s going on to marry someone, and naturally I feel a bit envious. I automatically felt like I should be in love and getting married, too. However, I have to remember that we’re on different paths, and that this is her path. For good or bad, she moves quickly and it is what it is. As complex as Jessie is, she’s quite simple when it comes to matters of the heart—more so than I am. I have my own path, and this isn’t some competition. Things will happen as they happen for me.
Thirty minutes later, randomly, Beyoncé shows up at the bar we’re at! Queen Bey was straight chillin’, martini in hand, booty shaking, bodyguard lurking.
February 14, 2014: Jessie and I met for drinks tonight. We’ve been trying to find time to hang out, but I got sick early in the week, and this was the only night I could meet up. I didn’t expect her to say yes to Valentine’s Day, but she did (Zak was out of town). We hung out drinking and eating for nearly two hours, having great conversations and lots of laughs. As we were leaving, she gave me a note that she had made for me. I was pleasantly surprised by this, and I didn’t read it until I got home. I don’t get easily sentimental about this stuff, but I was completely touched by her words.
During our night out, we had been joking about how remarkable it is that we’re still so close after everything we’ve been through in the last year. It was at that moment that I realized that what makes Jessie and me so different as people is actually what makes this entire thing work. Though we have completely different styles, tempos, and energies, we work well together simply because we respect and love each other. We didn’t work out romantically, but now we have this incredible connection and a creative partnership to boot, which has made all the ups and downs worth it. 40 Days of Dating was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We went for it despite the huge risk to us both personally and professionally. We went for it because we wanted to learn more about ourselves and because we had each other as friends, first, and I believe we always will.
Why did you decide to do this for forty days?
The old adage goes it takes forty days to change a bad habit. The number forty is auspicious in many cultures and religions. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew people lived in the Sinai Desert for forty years, and Moses received the Ten Commandments during a forty-day period in the desert. In the New Testament, Jesus spent forty days fasting in the desert, and in the Quran, Muhammad fasted in a cave for forty days. An Arabic proverb says, “To understand a people, you must live among them for forty days.” And, of course, Josh Hartnett’s character didn’t masturbate or have sex (well, he almost made it) in that movie 40 Days and 40 Nights.
What do you say to folks who believe you carried out the experiment and created the blog purely for notoriety and money?
People will believe what they want to believe. The fact is, we really had no idea what the outcome of our experiment would be, and we had no idea the blog would get so much attention. Our experiment took place back in March and April 2013. In the interest of keeping it as real and honest as possible, we did not create the site, make the artwork, or take any of the photography during those forty days. It was not until after the forty days were over, and we had a little time to reflect on it, that we both realized what a profound effect the experiment had had on our lives. It was at this point, in May, when we shared with each other for the first time a few entries from the journals we kept during the experiment and compared them side by side. It wasn’t until then that we realized that other people might find our experience interesting or might even relate to it. After all, our experiences and stories are very common. Even then, we were nervous ab
out releasing it to the world—it’s more personal than anything either of us has ever shared, and we knew it was a risk to us both personally and professionally. We had no idea it would go viral. The level of attention and feedback we got came as a huge shock to us, we were completely unprepared for something like that. It kind of took over our lives for two months.
Was there ever any concern about being so forthright on the Internet?
Yes, absolutely. We knew that if we were going to launch a blog we had to do it with as much sincerity as possible, and we had to go the full distance. We went back and forth several times about whether or not it was a good idea. Releasing our story to the public was difficult, but also, in a way, very liberating and humbling.
Do you think that dating in New York City is different from dating in other American cities?
Yes, dating in New York is harder than in some other cities. Part of it is the numbers: There are just so many single women here, a lot more than men. While dating sites like Match and OKCupid are great, they have some downsides—many people end up falling into the trap of believing they have access to a neverending source of options through these sites, which creates a tendency for men and women to take it for granted when they do find someone special—or to just quickly move on to the next option, just a click away. Aside from that, in New York everyone is so busy and career focused that even if you do find someone great, it’s often hard to develop a deeper relationship when you can barely squeeze them into your calendar. We tend overlook the opportunity of someone great because we’re caught up.
Were you nervous that this experiment would ruin everything?
Yes! We were in a constant state of anxiety before we began the experiment. The biggest risk was hurting a great friendship. Would we destroy it, or would it survive? We didn’t know. We just had to trust our gut and believe in ourselves and in this project.
You did the experiment a few months before it went online. How did the actual experiment compare with the experience of reliving it online and watching the world react?
We didn’t read each other’s posts until the night before they went live on the Internet, so in a way, it did feel as if we were reliving the forty days all over again. Going through each other’s posts definitely brought up many of those emotions again. Many arguments and blurred lines followed the launch of the blog. Since we were revealing so many intimate details and secrets about ourselves, we started to feel certain pressures, expectations and accountability, especially after the website went viral.
What did your friends say about the experiment, or did you not tell them?
Surprisingly, some of our mutual friends weren’t so keen on it. While we were on that Miami trip, we told the friends we were with that we were thinking about it. One of them started crying at the dinner table. They just didn’t want us to ruin a great group dynamic. Fortunately, we didn’t, but things were never the same again.
Do you think this experience is going to influence your future work as designers?
Yes. One of the main goals for both of us is to put ourselves into our work more and to connect with people through our work. We’ve received thousands of emails from people around the world telling us how our story has touched them. Some say it forced them to confront their own relationship issues. Others say it inspired them to reflect on themselves and has been a catalyst for positive change. Others say it has given them the courage to finally go to therapy. Others tell us how it has helped them better understand the male/female perspective. Others tell us it gave them the courage to finally date their best friends. This has all been incredibly inspiring to us, hearing the effect the blog has had on so many people. This project makes us want to do more work like this in the future.
How did you find the therapist you visited during the experiment?
We didn’t want to go to someone who already knew us; we wanted this person to be objective. We got references to three therapists and picked Jocelyn. After Googling her, we saw that she was featured in New York magazine, so we said, “Why not?”
If you hadn’t set an end date for the experiment, would you still be dating now?
Really difficult to know but probably not. We both feel we’re better off as close friends.
Did you two hook up at all after the experiment ended?
No, we did not.
How has all of the media attention impacted you?
We’re very happy that the story touched so many people but we definitely felt stressed at times. We were managing quite a lot in our daily lives posting the entries on the blog, responding to the media, and figuring out next steps in terms of the movie and book inquiries. This was all on top of balancing our full-time jobs and trying to maintain our own relationship with each other in the midst of all the craziness that was going on. It was difficult to manage all at once, but we’re very humbled by it.
Was all the imagery on the blog created during the experiment, or after?
We kept various items during the experiment as mementos, but everything else (website, photos, illustrations, videos) were created in May and June—after the experiment, and before we launched the blog.
How much creative input will you both have in the development of the film? are they allowed to take liberties with your story?
We signed with Creative Artists Agency soon after the website went viral, because there were so many studios and producers interested from the film, scripted TV, and unscripted TV worlds. It was our property at the time, so it was our decision who to sell the rights to. Ultimately, Warner Brothers offered us a great package. From there, we’ll be consulting on the film. We’ll also have the first stab at doing the movie titles.
Do you have any regrets?
Not at all. We never set expectations or tried to define what success might mean. It was an experiment, a study, a chance to get a glimpse into our dating habits and fears with help from each other. When else can you do that in life? Our main focus was to come out of it as more self-aware individuals, regardless of whether we fell in love or not. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that we decided to embrace together.
We asked some friends to tell us their own tales of love and woe. We gave them no direction—they had the freedom to interpret this request in any way they wanted. Here’s what they gave us.
ONE is AN AWESOME NUMBER
by LAURA MOSES
A guy I once dated described all single women as highly functioning sociopaths. Charming, right? This absurdity is reinforced by the strange smear campaign waged on the Single Woman that paints her as a tragic character. I used to be one of those girls who always had a boyfriend, but when I found myself single at twenty-eight and cramped inside my West Village studio apartment, I realized I’d never felt so completely free. I watched an entire season of Mad Men in one fell swoop because I didn’t have to wait for anyone else to catch up. I flew to Ireland on a whim. I ate Pinkberry for dinner because it’s the most delicious food on Earth so why not? Suddenly singledom wasn’t tragic—it was empowering.
If you’re single, you’re in charge. You get to fill your calendar with drinks/art openings/game nights, and you better enjoy it because someday your significant other will have drinks/art openings/game nights, and you’re going to have to go along. In this seemingly selfish phase you’re actually doing something worthwhile—getting to know yourself without the influence of someone else’s perspective. When people in bad relationships say, “I don’t want to be single again,” like it’s a death sentence, they need to have some sense (lovingly) shaken into them. They’d rather share their time, memories, and bed with someone only because subpar companionship is better than being stuck with their shitty selves? Hint: It’s not.
Learning how to be alone forced me to learn what I want (and what I don’t want) in a partner. And when you’re single you’re not really alone; you’re hanging out with the one person you’ll be stuck with forever and ever—YOU—so you might as well make nice. And along the way, you’re likely to
pick up one skill that every single woman should have: being able to spot the actual sociopaths out there. Now go out and have some fun. Or stay home! It’s your choice.
CONTAINER of GOOD
by PAULA CHU
I had what I thought was a very good marriage. We were very compatible, made each other laugh, rarely argued, and parented together well. He was my very best friend, and I was his. When I found that I was deeply drawn to Laura, I told my husband immediately that I was falling in love with a woman, that I felt scared, and that I needed to talk about it. And we just couldn’t. He couldn’t comfort me, couldn’t hear anything other than threat and betrayal. I was more shocked by the brittleness of our connection than by the resulting divorce.
Now, having been with Laura for over twenty years (we married once in the nineties and once again after it became legal), I know much more about how to talk about the hard things—how to talk about them all the way through. Real conversation is difficult because you don’t know where it is going, and you have to listen deeply, speak deeply. You are discovering your truths together, and you are totally off script, trailblazing as you go. Laura and I don’t stop until we are done. Really DONE. “Do you feel done?” “Mmm . . . not quite.” “Okay, let’s keep going.” We keep going until the connection is totally clean again. Once or twice it has taken all day.
40 Days of Dating: An Experiment Page 22