by Lena Nicole
“Anytime you need me. I’m here for you,” she says. I stare into her eyes and take in the amount of compassion and sincerity that’s behind them. I feel like it’s drawing me to her.
Without thinking, I slowly lean in and kiss her. At first she’s stiff and lets out a surprised squeal, but after a second or two, she relaxes and molds her lips to mine. With my right hand still holding open the door, I take my left hand and cup her jaw. Right as I’m about to deepen the kiss, I hear a gasp. I pull away and look in the direction of the sound and my heart instantly drops.
Addison.
Shit.
I’m not sure what she’s doing here, but I don’t get the chance to find out since she turns around and runs back to her car.
Feeling torn, I’m frozen in my spot. I don’t know what came over me or why I kissed Charlotte. Maybe it was the grief and the need to feel emotionally connected to someone. But if that’s the case, then why did I enjoy it so much? I don’t know if I should run after Addison either. She’s struggling as it is with the death of Colby and I know this just added to it. I’m not sure going to her at this moment would make things better.
Charlotte touches her lips and says, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I have a boyfriend.” She’s avoiding eye contact with me and now everything feels awkward.
Shit.
I motion for her to follow me so we can leave and we ride to the funeral home in an uncomfortable silence.
AS I’M running back out to my car, I realize now I should have called Colin to see if he wanted to ride with me to the funeral and not just assumed he would want to. I was in total shock when I saw him kissing Charlotte. When heading over there, I never in a million years thought that I’d be walking in on them kissing. I didn’t even expect her to be there. I’m hurt by it, but I’m trying to not get mad over it. I mean, I can’t get mad over it right? Here I am, dating two guys because I can’t make up my damn mind. Getting angry over it would only make me a hypocrite. I push the image of Colin and Charlotte kissing to the back of my head and focus on what’s important, saying goodbye to my best friend.
I pull up to the funeral home and park the car, making my way in. I look around and see all our loved ones dressed in black with red, puffy eyes. Some are crying and others are all cried out. I can’t bring myself to walk up to her casket yet, so I stay where I am. Standing in the back of the viewing room, I take a moment for myself before facing everyone. I feel like all this is my fault. If I hadn’t been frozen in place, Colby wouldn’t have had to push me out of the way and would still be here. If anything, it should be me in that casket, not her. Damon keeps trying to assure me this wasn’t my fault, but how can I believe that when we now know who ran her down in that car?
We’re sitting out on my back porch when my phone rings. Pierce picks up my phone and hands it to me. Not wanting to talk, I shake my head no at him.
“Sweetheart, you should answer. It might be important,” he says, placing his hand on my knee.
“Can you take it, please? I’m just not up to speaking with anyone right now,” I tell him placing my hand on top of his.
“Hello,” Pierce answers, “Hey, Mrs. Johnson, how are you holding up?” He looks at me and gives me a sympathetic smile. I shake my head no and plead with my eyes for him to not hand me the phone. I can’t talk to Colby’s mother right now and hear the pain in her voice. I still have so much guilt running through me; call me a coward if you want. “She is sleeping, would you like me to wake her?” He falls silent as she is speaking with him. I suddenly see all the color drain from his face, and I feel his hand that is under mine clench into a fist.
“Pierce? What is it?” I whisper, concerned about his change in demeanor. Before he can answer me, he is responding to Mrs. Johnson on the other end of the call.
“Yes, I understand. I will tell her. Thank you for your letting us know. And Mrs. Johnson, again, I’m terribly sorry for your loss,” he says before ending the call.
Pierce is staring ahead out at the ocean with the phone still clutched in his hand. I’m starting to get very worried and need to know what’s going on.
“Pierce,” I say to get his attention. When he looks at me I continue, “What did Colby’s mom want?”
“The detectives working on Colby’s hit-and-run case called her in and spoke with her. They have the suspect in custody and she wanted you to hear it from her first,” he answers quietly.
“Well, who was it?” I ask, feeling sick to my stomach.
There is a brief pause and I see his face go from ghost white to red. “It was Samantha,” he replies through a clenched jaw, turning to face me.
“There’s more,” he continues, “when she was brought in for questioning, they asked her what her motive was for targeting Colby. Her response wasn’t what the detectives were expecting. She said she was targeting you. She confessed to it all. Cutting your power, the blocked calls, even poisoning Ali,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief.
I’m unable to describe the sickness I feel at that moment. I can’t hold back the tears that are pouring down my face. No longer being able to control my anxiety, I get up and run into the kitchen and begin to vomit in the trashcan. I feel Pierce’s hands wrap around my hair and pull it out of the way. I have so many emotions running through my mind. I’m hurt that I lost my best friend, angry that it should have been me, that car was meant for me, and most of all, saddened because I will never get to see Colby ever again. I finally stop vomiting and walk over to the sink to wipe my mouth. I grab a glass from the cabinet and pour myself some water.
“Sweetheart, I am so sorry,” Pierce says as he pulls me into his chest.
I only allow myself to cry for a moment. Pulling away, I wipe the fresh tears from my eyes, “This is all my fault.”
“None of this is your fault. You can’t blame yourself. Samantha went crazy. You didn’t make her go crazy. If you need someone to blame, blame me. She is only in our lives because of her sick obsession with me,” he says reaching out to pull me back into him.
I take a step back and look into his eyes. I can see the hurt in him as his brows furrow and he lowers his head as I retract from him. “I need to be alone. Could you please leave?” I ask.
“Are you sure you want to be alone right now? I understand if you don’t want me here, but do you want me to call Morgan? I really don’t think you should be by yourself,” he says adamantly.
“I’ll be fine. I need time alone.”
He leans down, cupping my cheeks with his hands. Knowing he is going to try to kiss me I turn my cheek to him. “I just vomited, I highly doubt you want to kiss me,” I say to him. He places a gentle kiss on my cheek and brushes the tears away from my eyes with his thumbs.
“You know you can be so stubborn when you want to be. I still don’t think it’s a good idea, but if you need anything, call me,” he says.
I nod and watch as he slowly walks towards my door, taking one glance back before he leaves me alone to my thoughts.
A hand squeezing my shoulder pulls me from the memory of that day and I look over to see Damon standing beside me. “Come on, you can’t stand back here all day. We saved you a seat up front with us; after all, you are family too,” he says to me.
I walk with Damon to the front of the room and take a seat between him and my parents. My mother and father get up and embrace me in hugs before I sit down. I look over to my right and see Morgan crying onto Jeremy’s shoulder while he comforts her. I envy her for having someone to hold on to at a hard time like this. I don’t deserve anyone’s comfort though, especially since I’m the reason we are all here. I’m here alone, the way it should be.
I take hold of Damon’s hand and squeeze it, letting him know I am here for him. Even though he is clean shaven and dressed nicely in a suit, he still looks horrible. He has dark circles under his swollen eyes, showing he’s been crying a lot and not sleeping well. His eyes that were once filled with so much life are now hollowed out by s
adness.
I stopped by his place yesterday to help him pick out a dress for Colby for today. We were both a wreck and Damon told me he’s moving. I couldn’t believe it when he told me. He said he can’t live in a place where everywhere he looks, he sees Colby. I asked him if it was permanent and he said he didn’t know. Maybe one day he would be able to come back, but for now, it’s just too painful. I hate that I have to say goodbye to him too, but he promised he would be back to visit his little brother and would see me when he’s here.
More people are gathering and giving their condolences to Colby’s and Damon’s families. I figure this is as good of time as any to go say my final goodbye to my best friend. I only have a couple of steps to reach the casket and when I’m there, I’m thankful no one is around, giving me privacy to talk to her. My heart seizes up when I finally peer down into the casket and see her. She looks like she is Sleeping Beauty, waiting for her prince to come and place true love’s kiss on her to wake her from the evil queen’s spell. She has a white dress on and her hair is done in lose curls falling around her face. Her makeup is applied softly, making her look angelic. Her hands are folded on her stomach with a bouquet of flowers placed in them.
“Hey, Cole,” I say, not really sure where to start. I don’t want to be here doing this. I don’t want to say my goodbyes right now. “You look like a sleeping princess. I know you’re going to be an amazing angel watching over all of us. I’m so sorry this happened to you; you’re supposed to be in a wedding dress getting married, not lying in a casket. A day won’t go by where you aren’t with me and I will never forget or stop loving you. Things aren’t going to be the same without you and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I’ll help take care of Damon and your family. I promise. I love you,” I say leaning in kissing her cheek.
My throat closes up and I begin to cry as I return to my seat and sit quietly, waiting for the service to begin.
I’VE JUST pulled up to the funeral home and parked my car. Addison has been pretty distant from me since we found out Samantha was the suspect in Colby’s death. I can’t blame her for the way she feels. I kind of hate myself right now too. I’m the connection between Samantha and Addison and her friends. If I hadn’t pushed her over the edge, none of us would be here right now. I wipe my sweaty palms on my dress slacks before opening my car door and walking through the front doors.
Stepping in the viewing room where the eulogy will be held, my eyes scan the room for Addison. I spot her up in the front next to Damon and her parents. She’s hunched over with her hands in her face, her body shaking from the sobs that are coming from her. I can’t even describe what this image does to me. It rips me in two, completely shattering my heart. I want so badly to be able to comfort her, but I’m afraid my presence will only make the pain worse.
I work up the nerve to walk toward her, never taking my eyes off of her when my eyes collide with a chest. I look up into the face of Colin. His jaw and fists are clenched and he looks furious that I’m here.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he spits at me. I can tell he’s trying to bring in his anger so he doesn’t cause a scene. His voice is strained with the effort to keep it at a reasonable volume.
“I came here to pay my respects and to be here for Addison.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” he says while shaking his head in disbelief. “It’s your crazy ass ex-girlfriend that did all of this.” His voice is getting louder and grabbing the attention of the people around us. “You’re the reason Colby is dead! And you have the nerve to show up here to ‘pay your respects?’”
At this point, I fucking hate Colin. How dare he get in my face about all of this. He has no idea how terrible I feel and it’s not his fucking place to bring it up. But honestly, I hate him because he’s speaking the truth for everyone to hear. My rejections made Samantha crazy. Me pushing her away and threatening her with a restraining order made her snap. In the end, Colby’s blood might as well be on my hands. I was the catalyst behind it all.
My anger simmers down and I feel utterly dejected. “Look, I’m just trying to be here for Addison. That’s all. I’m not trying to cause any trouble.” I maintain eye contact so he’ll know I’m sincere. I hope he can see the regret in my eyes and understand that I’ve put a lot of the blame on myself.
“I think you should leave,” he says, pointing behind me to the door.
My jaw is ticking as I restrain from telling him to go fuck himself. At that moment, Addison walks up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so sad. Mascara is smeared under her red, puffy eyes. Her posture is slumped forward in exhaustion and grief. My hand twitches with the urge to wrap her in my arms and console her.
“I appreciate you coming and trying to be here for me, but I need you to leave. I’m sorry.” She says the last part looking down at the ground. My lips part to ask her to let me stay, but the words get caught in my throat. The sorrow written all over her face is enough to show me that I’m causing her more pain. The shattered pieces of my heart fall to the pit of my stomach as I reason with myself on what this means for us.
Colin reaches his hand out to Addison but she ducks out from under him and shies away from him too. Her sad eyes look at him before glancing over his shoulder at the person standing behind him. I follow her line of sight and see Charlotte standing there. Addison slowly turns and walks back to the front pews to mourn the loss of Colby with her family and friends.
I turn around and leave, respecting the distance she needs from me. When her memories came back, I told her I’d fight, and I have every single day. But how do I fight for her when I’m the reason she’s in so much pain? She’ll always associate me with Colby’s death.
Fuck.
My chest tightens at the realization that I might have just lost her.
IT’S BEEN two weeks since Colby’s funeral and I’m still having a hard time accepting she’s gone. I sometimes find myself calling her phone just to hear her voicemail. That is until her mom disconnected her line. Damon leaving was just another reminder that she’s gone. I had helped him pack his stuff up, along with some of Colby’s items that were there. With each item we found to pack away, whether it was a pair of shoes, a dress, or even just a photograph, there was a distinct memory to each item. It’s funny how you don’t realize how many insignificant things aren’t that insignificant after all. But that was just who Colby was, leaving a lasting impression on everything she did.
I have been spending most days with Morgan. She suffered just as big a loss as I did. We all have been best friends since I can remember. My mom has been stopping by frequently to check on us and cook us meals. Even though I am able to cook for myself, I like having my mother here. She has been so caring to both of us and it’s nice to have the reminder that no matter what, she will always be here for me.
I haven’t seen or spoken to Colin or Pierce in these two weeks. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but nothing is growing in my heart. A piece of it was buried six feet under two weeks ago, and I’ll never get it back. I also am still angry with the fact that Colin was kissing Charlotte after he assured me there was no one else. I couldn’t bring myself to think of anything or anyone but Colby when it happened, but now that I have put some distance between us, the disappointment and anger are definitely there.
I’m also angry with Pierce. It was his ex that changed my life and I’m just not sure I can forgive him for that. I wonder all the time now if I had just went back to Colin, would things be different? Would Colby still be alive? If I never met Pierce on the beach that day, none of us would be where we are today. I can’t keep dwelling on the what-ifs, I know this, but for now, it’s all I have.
The doorbell rings and I look over at Morgan, who shrugs her shoulders at me. We aren’t expecting anyone tonight, so I’m not really sure who it could be. Getting up off the couch, I head to the door and look out the peep hole. I am surprised at who it is standing on the other side of the door. Ope
ning it, I am met with Lexi, who is holding some take out bags.
“Hey, I hope you don’t mind, but your mom was talking to mine and she said she wouldn’t be able to stop by today, so I figured I would bring you some food,” she says, slightly lifting the bags.
“No, not at all, please come in,” I say, moving aside for her to enter. “Here, let me help you.” I reach out to take a bag from her hands. We walk over to the kitchen and place the food down as Morgan comes over to join us.
“Hey, Lex,” Morgan says, giving Lexi a hug.
“Hey, Morgan. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. I’m glad you stopped by, it’s been a while since we’ve seen you.”
Lexi is unloading the food from the bags and looks between us as she answers. “I know, sorry about that. I explained to Addison that this whole dating situation with Pierce and Colin is hard for me to be around. I feel horrible for not attending Colby’s funeral. I should have put my differences aside for the day to be there to support you two,” she tells us.
“It’s okay, you’re here now,” I tell Lexi, handing her a glass of wine. We set out plates and sit down to eat. Lexi brought Chinese, so we are passing around containers of food while catching up on what’s been going on in our lives.
“So Lex, I didn’t know our moms kept in touch still,” I say to her wondering if she knew as well.
“Yeah, they meet for lunch once a week. I didn’t know until recently when Garrick and I bumped into them at a restaurant.”
“I wonder why she didn’t tell me? It’s not a big deal that they hang out, but I don’t know why she would keep that a secret from me,” I tell them before drinking my wine. My mom and Colin’s mom never really hung out before, and Catherine and my mom hanging out frequently is news to me.
“She probably just didn’t want to add to your plate. You already have so much going on, I’m sure she’s just trying to help,” Morgan tells me and Lexi nods in agreement. “Anyway, did you ever take that advice Colby gave you and put it to use?” Morgan questions.