by Lena Nicole
“What advice?” Lexi asks curiously.
“It’s more of a promise than advice,” I tell her, thinking back to how happy we all were that day. “Colby was asking if I made a decision and when I told her no, she suggested I close my eyes and picture the father of my children, and see whose face comes to mind,” I tell Lexi.
“Huh,” Lexi says staring off like she is lost in a deep thought.
“Mind sharing with the class, Ms. Whitmore?” Morgan jokes.
“It’s just every night when my dad tucked me in for bed, I would always ask him when my prince charming was going to come for me. He told me the same thing every night.” Lexi has a small smile on her face as she recalls this memory of her father.
“Which was?” I ask waiting to hear the rest of her story about her father.
“Oh sorry, he would tell me to close my eyes and my prince charming would be there in my dreams, waiting for me. If you ask me, it looks like Colby was on to something with that advice,” she says before finishing her glass of wine.
“I don’t know about that,” Morgan quickly adds, holding her hand up.
I turn my head to her and raise my eyebrow, “And why is that?” I ask her.
“Well, let’s just say curiosity got the better of me, so I tried it,” she says quickly grabbing the wine and pouring some into her glass.
“And did it work?” I don’t know why I am asking Morgan. She hasn’t been in a long term relationship since she was in high school, and that didn’t end too well.
“Hell no, it didn’t work. I saw Jeremy,” she says in a loud, frustrated tone. Lexi and I look at each other and start to immediately lose it and are unable to control our laughter.
“I don’t get what is so damn funny,” she says throwing her napkin at me.
“If you two would just get over yourselves, you might find you actually like each other,” I tell her.
“Doubtful,” she says as she stands and starts to clean the table.
“Shit, I was supposed to meet Garrick twenty minutes ago,” Lexi says looking at her watch.
“I have to get going too. I have to meet my agent and go over a few things,” Morgan tells me.
I walk the girls to the door and give Lexi a hug, planning to meet for lunch later in the week. Morgan hangs back for a minute after Lexi leaves.
“I think you should do it,” she says.
Slightly confused as to what she wants me to do I ask, “Do what?”
“What Colby made you promise. I think it will be good for you. Not everyone has commitment issues, like me,” she says, hugging me and walking out the door to her car. I’m about to close the door when I hear Morgan yell my name.
“Hey, Addison,” she says.
I open the door that was slightly closed as she makes her way back up the walkway.
“I know it’s easier to have someone to blame for Colby’s death, but make sure you’re blaming the right person,” she says.
I look at her in confusion and ask, “What do you mean?”
“I know you blame yourself for all this, and no matter how many times we all tell you it’s not your fault, you still think it is.” She pauses, clearly unsure if she should say what else is on her mind. “I also know you feel Pierce is to blame as well.” I open my mouth to protest, but she holds her hand up, cutting me off. “Don’t say you don’t blame him, because it’s written all over your face whenever he is brought up. It’s not his fault, Addison. If he knew she was coming after you, he would have put a stop to it and you know I’m right. Just think about it,” she says as she turns back toward her car.
I lock up and turn the alarm on and go to my bedroom. I dress into a comfy pair of sweats and lie down. I’m staring at the ceiling, thinking back to the promise I made Colby. I keep telling myself that it’s ridiculous and won’t work, before telling myself I made a promise. Next thing I know, my eyes are closed and I take a couple deep breaths. I picture myself walking down the aisle and get frustrated when I see both men waiting for me at the altar. Ugh, this is no use. I think back again to the day I had this conversation with her.
“When you close your eyes, I want you to picture your life. Think about your husband and the father of your children.”
“And how is that supposed to help me?”
“Because Addison, marriage isn’t about making you happy, it’s about you marrying someone to make him happy. You will be giving him a family and you have to think about who you want to be by your side, raising your children with you. I know it might seem ridiculous to you, but please do it for me.”
I open my eyes and I feel a tear escape from the corners of them. Reevaluating Colby’s words, I close my eyes and this time I think about making my family happy, not just my husband, but my children as well. This time I see a boy and a girl being chased by their daddy. The kids are screaming and laughing yelling for me to join them. I can see myself smiling as the happiness fills me walking over to my husband, and this time I only see one person.
I open my eyes feeling lighter, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Getting up out of my bed, I walk to the back porch and look to the sky and thank Colby. If she didn’t make me do this, I probably still would have been stuck and I will forever be grateful for her advice.
SITTING ON my couch, I’m staring blankly at the television. It’s on, but I couldn’t tell you what is playing. My mind keeps going over and over my feelings and the things I’ve realized over the last week or so.
I’m still shaken up by Colby’s death. It was completely unexpected and shocked me to my core, but it made me realize something. Something that I hadn’t fully grasped even after the car accident Addison and I were in.
Life is too short.
I keep pondering what I always felt was a clichéd phrase while thinking about the things Jeremy and Charlotte have said to me. Do I really want to be with Addison still? Are we meant for each other? So much has changed since the accident and I don’t know if at this point we’re compatible. I still care about her, but if life is short and can be taken from us at any moment, am I being selfish by holding on to something that I’m not entirely committed to?
I obviously need to think this over a little more before making a decision, but how the hell do I tell Addison that I don’t want to be with her if that’s the conclusion I come to? She just lost her best friend and the last thing I want is to pile more sadness on her. Needing a woman’s perspective, but feeling awkward talking to Charlotte about this since I kissed her, I dial the one person I can turn to right now. My mother.
She answers on the third ring, “Hello.”
“Hi, Mom. Are you busy?”
“No, just tidying up around the house. Why?”
I try to keep my voice even to keep from worrying her. “I was just wanting to come over so we can talk.” Even to my own ears, my voice sounds raw with a mixture of emotions.
“Colin, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” My mom has been a little on edge since Colby’s death and has started to assume the worst every time I call her.
Shaking my head even though she can’t see me, I reply, “No, I’m fine, Mom. I just need some advice--some womanly advice--and was checking to make sure you were home before I drove over.”
“I’m not busy. You come on over and we’ll talk,” she says in a soothing voice. She’s already made me feel a little at ease and I haven’t even confided in her yet.
I WALK into my parents’ house before yelling out to my mom.
“I’m in the kitchen,” she calls back. I walk to the kitchen and see her sitting at the table, waiting for me.
“Come sit down and tell me what’s on your mind,” she says as she pats the seat next to her.
I sit down and take a deep breath before starting. “Since Colby’s death, my mind has been all over the place. The incident was such a shock and a reality check. It reminded me that life is short, you know?” My mom nods, so I continue, “Anyway, I started thinking about Addison and our
relationship. I’m not so sure I want to be with her anymore.” I say the last part looking down at the table, afraid to see the shocked expression on her face.
“Did these feelings just come about with the death of your friend, or is it something you’ve been feeling for a while that just now came to the surface?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I think I’ve felt us drifting apart as of lately. She’s a lot different now than when we were together. Not in a bad way, just different. I almost feel like I’m holding her back when we’re together. We went whitewater rafting and I could tell she absolutely loved it. It really wasn’t my thing and after, I felt bad that I might have rained on her parade a little. At the end, I could tell that the light in her eyes had fizzled a little because of my lack of enthusiasm and it killed me that I was the reason for her diminished happiness.” I let out a sigh and look at my mom, waiting for her to comment.
“Is that the only difference you’ve noticed? That she likes whitewater rafting and you don’t?”
“No, it’s more than that. It’s hard to explain, but it’s more of a feeling. That was just one example.” I don’t want to get into the details of my sex life with my mom, so I leave out the part about us not being intimate anymore. The last time felt different; not physically, but emotionally.
My mom squints her eyes at me as if trying to read my mind. Finally, she says, “Is there another woman?”
My eyes widen in surprise by her question. “No, not really.”
“What does ‘not really’ mean? Talk to me,” she says, resting her hand on top of mine.
“You remember Charlotte?” She nods, so I continue, “I think I might have messed things up with our friendship.”
“How so?”
I rub the back of my neck and say, “I kissed her.”
“Oh, really? And how did you feel?”
This is a little awkward, but I keep going. “I don’t know, really. It happened the day of Colby’s funeral. At first, I thought I was just seeking comfort from someone. She is always there for me and held such compassion in her eyes that I couldn’t help myself. It was the first time we’d ever crossed that line, but she responded to me. And I don’t know, but I just felt this…this spark between us. It was like something that had been lying dormant just waiting to erupt. But, then we were interrupted.”
“What interrupted you?” she asks. I’ve got to give her credit, she doesn’t look nearly as uncomfortable talking about this as I feel.
Scratching my eyebrow with my thumb, I say, “Uh, Addison showed up. I didn’t know she was coming over. She gasped and Charlotte and I broke apart. Addison ran off and Charlotte informed me that she had a boyfriend.”
“Oh, that does complicate things.” She pauses for a second and then says, “Let me ask you something; if Charlotte wasn’t in the picture, would you be questioning your feelings for Addison?”
I think about this for a moment and come to realize that yes, I would. “Yes. This thing with Charlotte is new, but I think in the back of my mind I’ve been questioning Addison and me for some time.” I sigh again and rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. “I wanted it so badly that I was clinging to this idea I had in my mind of us being happy together. It was hard to let go.”
“Colin, you don’t have to let go. You don’t have to walk out of her life and never see her again. Maybe you guys are better off being friends instead of in a relationship together. You can still be there and care for her, your role will just be different. You won’t be her boyfriend or fiancé, you’ll be her friend.”
“But how do I tell her that? When do I tell her?”
“I can’t answer that for you. You’ll have to follow your heart, and when the time is right, you’ll know. You’ll know when and if it’s time to move on and close the door to that chapter of your life. But, I do think it’s better for both of you if you tell her sooner rather than later.”
I nod and take in her advice. I know if I decide to not be with her, there will be no turning back. That choice will be final. Am I ready for to walk away from that? I’ve got a tough decision ahead of me.
WORK TODAY is busier than usual; I blame it on the full moon. I’ve had every case possible tonight, from broken bones, to minor colds, to extensive traumas. To say I’m tired is an understatement. My feet and back are aching and my bed is calling my name. I have been picking up more night shifts lately on top of my regular day shifts. I thought I was missing nights, but I think after tonight, I’m starting to appreciate days more.
It’s about time for my break when I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. Lifting it out, I see Damon’s name flashing across the screen before it shows I missed his call. I look over to Ariana and ask her if she would mind if I left a couple minutes early for my break. She agrees to cover me and I head to the twenty four hour coffee shop to call Damon back. I order a coffee and dial Damon’s number while waiting for it.
“Hey, Addy,” he answers. It’s so good to hear his voice. I still can’t believe he moved and I miss having him around.
“Hey, Damon, how are you?” I ask, grabbing my coffee and some napkins from the counter.
“Hanging in there and trying to get adjusted to my new surroundings,” he says. I notice his voice is tainted with sadness and I know he is still coping with losing Colby.
“I’m really sorry, Damon. I can’t tell you how horrible I still feel. If I had just...”
“Addison, stop,” he starts quietly, cutting me off. “You need to stop blaming yourself. None of this was anyone’s fault but Samantha’s. Not yours, not Pierce’s, just hers,” he says.
“Okay.” Is all I say. I don’t think the guilt of her death will every fully leave me.
“My mom called me today in hysterics,” he tells me with a tired sigh.
“Is everything okay? Do you need me to go over there?” I ask, concerned. Whatever she is going through, I’m sure it has to be tough on Damon, with his not being there.
“No, I think I got her calmed down. When we ordered our save-the-dates, my mom insisted on mailing them out for us. I didn’t even think about canceling them. She went to get the mail today and in the mailbox was the box of invites we ordered for our wedding,” he says the last part in a whisper, clearing hurting by the memories that haunt him.
“Damon, I’m so sorry,” I tell him, unsure of what to say next. I can’t imagine being blindsided like that. I would break down too.
“Thanks, I appreciate that. I just needed someone to talk to. No matter how many days or hours pass, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. I moved away hoping it would help me, and not have a constant reminder of her thrown in my face every day.” He pauses. “God, that sounds horrible,” he says, trailing off.
“It’s not horrible, I get it. I can’t even walk into certain restaurants or stores because it brings back too many memories of her,” I tell him, hoping to help him feel better about his statement.
“I feel like I’m letting her down somehow by just packing up and leaving. I’m not so sure it was the best idea now.” I can hear the uncertainty in his voice.
“You did what you felt was best for you. I think like all things, you need time. Time to grieve, time to adjust living in a new state, and time to adjust to being alone.” It pained me to say the last part to him, but he needs to be alone and grieve for his fiancé.
“I hear what you’re saying, and you’re probably right. I just need to give it some time.” His voice falls silent and I know him well enough to know there is more bothering him than he is letting on.
“What else is on your mind, Damon?” I ask, hoping he will feel comfortable enough to let his frustrations out on me.
“I didn’t tell anyone, but before I left, the bridal shop called me. I couldn’t think straight after everything that happened and I didn’t even think to cancel things for the wedding. Anyway, they called and told me my fiancé’s dress was ready to be picked up and they couldn’t reach her. I couldn’t even tell them she passed away,
because saying it out loud just hurts too damn bad. So I went in and picked up her dress. While I was waiting for the woman to bring it out, some girl named Hanna told me it was bad luck for the groom to see the dress and asked if I was sure I wanted to pick it up.” He takes in a stuttering breath and I know he’s fighting to hold back the tears. I’m doing the same.
Regaining my composure, I say, “Damon, why didn’t you tell me? I would have taken care of that for you. That is not something you should have had to deal with. I can’t believe that being Colby’s best friend, I didn’t even think to do all this stuff for you.”
“None of us were thinking. We’re all grieving. After I told Hanna that we didn’t believe in those superstitions, she handed over the dress saying, ‘She really is a vision in this dress. It’s a shame you’re seeing it before she’s in it, but I guarantee it will bring tears to your eyes watching her come down the aisle all put together.’ After she said those words, I broke down in tears, leaving the shop with the gown I will never see her in. I looked like a complete asshole leaving a bridal shop with a dress, crying my eyes out. I sat alone in my car, with her dress sitting in my lap for a good forty minutes before I could drive home.” I can hear the rawness in his voice and tears start to fill my eyes.
“I wish things were different,” I tell him, wiping away the tears that are making their way down my cheeks. I still have the picture I took of Colby in her dress, but I don’t think now is a good time to bring that up. It might be rubbing salt on an open wound. Maybe in time, he’ll heal enough to see it.
“I agree, but that’s life, Addison, and things don’t always work out the way we want them to. If they did, I wouldn’t have my dead fiancé’s dress hanging in my closet,” he says, his voice filled with sorrow.
“You don’t have to remind me of that,” I tell him solemnly and slump forward in my chair.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything, Damon, you know that,” I tell him.