by Lena Nicole
“Have you made up your mind about who you’re going to choose? I only ask, because if Colby’s death taught us anything, it’s that life is too short. You have two guys who love you, and I really don’t think you can make a wrong choice knowing that.”
I pause for a moment before answering him. I know who I want to be with. I’ve known since the other night when I closed my eyes and took Colby’s advice. I’m just terrified that I’m going to hurt the one I don’t choose and the one I do choose won’t want me.
“Addison? Are you still there?” Damon asks.
“Yeah, sorry, just lost in thought. But to answer your question, I have made a decision,” I tell him, tapping my foot nervously under the table. This is the first time I have said those words out loud.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Tell him,” Damon urges.
“There are just a few things I need to clear up with someone first and make sure I am one hundred percent set on this choice before I close the other door. Once I do that, I will tell him.”
“Well, I’m happy for you with whomever you choose, and I know Colby would be too. I have to get going, but I will call you later in the week.”
“You’d better, and Damon?” I say.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for everything. You don’t know how good it is to hear from you tonight. I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Addy,” he says before hanging up.
I put my phone back into my pocket and pick up the dirty napkins and empty cup and dispose of them into the trash. On the walk back to my shift, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Telling Damon I had made a decision was therapeutic in a way. I know it is time to move forward with my life, and once I tie up a few loose ends, I can do just that. I return to my shift feeling lighter.
IT’S FINALLY eight AM and I’m clocking out. The last couple of hours have dragged as I’ve been staring at the clock. After hanging up with Damon, I wanted to get the ball rolling with tying things up so I can start to live my life again with the man I choose. Deciding it is better to just show up, I get in my car and head to Pierce’s. I didn’t want to text him and give him the chance to not meet with me. I need to talk to him today and make him realize that I understand he isn’t to blame for the death of Colby. The ride over to his house is quick and I’m parking in his driveway before I know it. I walk up to his door and notice my palms are a little sweaty. I haven’t seen Pierce in a while, and I guess I’m more nervous than I thought I would be. I rub them on my scrub pants before I knock on the door. I knock three times and wait for him to open the door.
IT’S BEEN a couple weeks since I’ve talked to Addison. In fact, I haven’t seen or spoken to her since the funeral. Each day I wake up thinking of what I could possibly say to get her to not see me as the reason for her friend’s death. Thinking back on that day, the look on her face said it all when she asked me to leave. She didn’t come right out and say it, but I know she’s thinking that if she’d never met me, Colby would still be alive.
And she’s right.
I’ve been working a lot from home the past two weeks, which means I rarely shave and haven’t gotten dressed in days. Addison is the light to my day, and without her, it’s just darkness and it hardly feels worth putting any kind of real effort into mundane things such as my appearance.
Staring at the coffee pot in the kitchen, waiting for it to brew another pot, Ali scurries off toward the door moments before I hear a knock. The noise startles me for a second while I try to figure out who could be at my door. I’m definitely not expecting anyone.
I crack the door, hoping it’s not a damn salesman this early in the morning. It’s not a salesman though, it’s Addison. Opening the door wider, I gawk at her in surprise and confusion. She’s still wearing her scrubs with her hair pulled back and pieces of it framing her face. She looks stunning standing before me and I want so badly to cup her face and pull her to my lips. But I refrain, afraid she’ll reject me.
Running my hands through my hair a few times in an attempt to tame it, I say, “Addison, what are you doing here? I mean, you’re always welcome, you know that. I just wasn’t expecting you. Is everything alright?” I clamp my mouth shut to stop myself from rambling anymore.
She releases the bottom of her lip from her teeth and says, “Can I come in?”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” I move to the side to allow her to walk through the door. I close the door as she walks in and has a seat in the living room. Following in after her, I take the chair sitting adjacent to the couch she’s sitting on.
She’s fidgeting slightly with a piece of imaginary lint on her pants. I can tell she’s nervous, which puts me a little on edge. Is she breaking all ties with me?
She clears her throat. “So, I thought we could talk about the accident,” she says.
I look down at the ground, wanting to avoid eye contact. I can’t bear to see the resentment in her eyes again. It’s amazing how one look from her brings out all my weaknesses and insecurities. I hate feeling vulnerable with her. “Okay, what did you want to talk about?” I ask.
“I’ve been thinking on how to talk to you about this. I’ve been so angry. Angry with myself and with you. I felt responsible and was taking all the blame, since she saved my life. It should have been me that was hit by that car, not her. I was the intended target and I’ve been carrying that guilt with me since the accident.” I look up and start to interrupt her to tell her she’s not to blame for any of this, but she holds up her hand to stop me. “Just let me finish, please.” She waits for a response, so I nod for her to continue. “Then, I was angry with you. I kept thinking that if you had never walked into my life that day on the beach, I’d never have met Samantha. She would have never known I existed and she wouldn’t have been so desperate to get you back. Colby wouldn’t have had to push me out of the way of her car, and she would still be alive,” she says the last part in almost a whisper.
Listening to her say that she’d thought what it’d be like if we’d never met wrecks me. My stomach clenches at the thought and my chest seizes up. I can’t picture my life without her, and here she is almost wishing she could go back in time to that day on the beach to change everything. I’m not angry with her for this. I know she’s hurting and wish to God I could make this all right and bring Colby back, but I can’t.
Looking into her eyes, I say, “Addison, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for all of this. I’m so sorry for the things that happened at your apartment and to Ali. I’m most sorry for Colby’s death. Trust me, I feel incredibly guilty about it. I hate myself every day that I’m the link between Samantha and Colby. The way you have looked at me with such resentment and anger has gutted me, but it’s warranted. It’s what I deserve. I brought this into all of your lives, and I have no idea how to make it better, and that’s because I know I can’t. I can’t take it all back or change what happened. You will never know how sorry I am, and if you can’t forgive me for this, then I understand.” I break eye contact and look down at the floor. Rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, I wait for her response.
“Pierce,” she says so softly that it causes me to look back up at her. “What I really wanted to tell you is that I don’t blame you anymore. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I know you had no control over the situation. You couldn’t have prevented it any more than I could have, and I’m sorry I ever made you feel guilty about it.” She never breaks eye contact while she tells me this, and I see the sincerity coming through them. My eyes start to tear up as a sense of relief washes over me. I still feel responsible for Colby, and it’ll take me a while to get over that guilt, but to hear Addison say that she doesn’t blame me for it brings me such peace.
I get up off the chair and sit next to her on the couch. I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest. Burying my nose in her hair, I inhale her scent. It’s been too long since I’ve held her and I never want to let her go. She’s clutching onto me just as tightly, so I th
ink she’s feeling the same way.
After holding her for a few minutes, I pull away and look into her face. There’s a tear running down her cheek and I quickly brush it away before it has a chance to fall any further. Cupping her face with my hands, I bring us close together.
“Why are you crying?” I ask her softly.
She shakes her head and closes her eye, forcing another tear out. I wipe it away with my thumb. “It’s nothing,” she whispers. “I’m just really glad we talked about this and are able to work through it. I’ve really missed you.”
Hearing her say she missed me makes me feel like I did when we jumped out of the plane together. I feel exhilarated, alive, and so in love with her. A smile slowly spreads across my face at her admission that she feels the same way I do. “I’ve missed you too.”
We stare into each other’s eyes, with me stroking her cheeks lightly with my thumbs, and her holding onto my wrists. I look down at her lips for a few seconds before she licks them. Glancing back up into her eyes, I see she’s looking at my lips too.
“Is it okay if I kiss you?” I ask her, gazing into her eyes.
She nods once, giving me all the confirmation I need. I touch her lips to mine tentatively and feel the instant spark. It’s like fireworks are going off in my mind as I savor the taste and feel of her soft mouth. She’s clutching onto my shirt as I wrap one hand around the nape of her neck. I start to deepen the kiss, but feel a slight hesitation from her. Not wanting to push it, I place a few chaste kisses to her mouth before kissing the tip of her nose and pulling back to look into her eyes. She gives me a sad smile and all the happiness I felt a moment ago starts to drain from my body.
Why does this feel like goodbye?
A COUPLE of weeks have passed since I went to Pierce’s. I’m sure he’s puzzled as to why I haven’t seen him. But it is like I told Damon, I just needed to tie up a few loose ends and get closure with people before I tell the man I love that I choose him.
I haven’t heard from Colin as much either, which confuses and scares me at the same time. I have been reaching out to him, trying to see him, but either he’s been really busy or he’s just avoiding me. I’m hoping it’s not the latter of the two. Other than just wanting to spend some time with him, I have been worried about how he is holding up. One of his friends passed and another moved away. I want to make sure he is handling everything okay.
On top of all this, I have been picking up extra shifts at work. When this is all over, I want to go away somewhere. I have vacation time saved up, but I will need to take a couple of weeks for what I have in mind. These past two years have definitely been more than stressful and I’m ready for a long vacation away from all this.
I take a shower and straighten my hair, getting ready for my day. It’s beautiful out, so I throw on a maxi dress and head into my living room. Looking around, I silently praise myself at how far I have come after the challenges that were thrown my way. I’ve made the decision that once I tell him, I’m moving in with him. No more delaying things or second guessing myself. I know who and what I want and I’m ready to take it. No longer wanting to wait, I pull my phone out and make my call. The phone rings three times before he answers.
“Hey, Addy. What’s up?” Colin answers. His voice is very monotone, making it hard to determine if he is happy to hear from me or not. I’m just happy he didn’t avoid my call again.
“Hey, I was wondering if I could come over. I haven’t seen you in a while and there is something I want to tell you,” I say, pulling my lip into my mouth. I’m nervous he will say no, since I haven’t seen or heard from him much lately.
“Yeah, sure, what time should I expect you?” he questions.
“Can I head over now?” I ask, not wanting to waste another minute of my life away.
“Sure, I’ll see you shortly.” I can pick up a hint of nerves in his voice, making me wonder, if in fact, he was avoiding me.
“Sounds good,” I say and hang up.
I grab my keys, lock up the house and get in my car to drive to Colin’s. The whole drive over I’m a ball of nerves. I’m excited to start my life with the man I love, but at the same time, I feel sick knowing I have to break the other one’s heart. This decision wasn’t easy, but I have to stand behind how I feel. Trying to calm my nerves while driving, I reach Colin’s driveway and place my car in park. I pull down the visor mirror and give myself one last pep talk before I head up to the door.
You can do this, this is what you have been waiting for. You’ve come to a decision, now go make it.
I step out of the car, close the door behind me, and walk to Colin’s door. I ring the bell and wait for him to answer.
ADDISON SHOULD be here any minute and I’m really nervous. I’ve been pacing my living room back and forth like a maniac and I’m sure there’s a worn spot in the floor from it. I run my hands through my hair as I think about what I’m going to say to her. It’s time for me to tell her that I don’t want to be involved with her romantically anymore. That it’s time for me to move on.
The doorbell rings and I instantly freeze as my heart skips a beat. Shit, I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to hurt her. How am I going to tell her?
Blowing out a large breath, I walk to the door and open it. “Hey, Addy,” I say, sounding more forced than I intended.
Her eyebrows draw in and her eyes narrow slightly, taking in my lips that are in a tight line. I know she senses something is wrong with me, but her features smooth back out before she says, “Hey.”
I move out of the doorway to allow her to enter. She walks in and has a seat on the couch. Looking at her, I notice that she seems relaxed and comfortable. My hands start to sweat as she glances over at me expectantly, so I rub them on my jeans before walking into the living room and have a seat beside her.
She starts to say something, but I stop her. I need to get this out while I still have the nerve. “I need to tell you something,” I say quietly, watching her face very carefully.
“Okay,” she says, trailing off.
I clear my throat and say, “God, I don’t really know how to say this to you. You know that I love and care for you, right?” I wait for her response and she nods, so I continue, “But I’ve been giving us a lot of thought recently. Since the accident, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be back by your side again. For you to be my fiancé and for us to live happy lives together. When you were going to marry Pierce, I thought my world was ending. I was losing you and had no chance of getting you back. But then your memories resurfaced and it was like the sun was shining again. I was going to have another chance to make you mine. Again, all I could think about was making sure we ended up together. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I wanted a year ago is very different from what I want now.”
She just sits there, unmoving and very stoic. I grab her hand in mine trying to comfort her for what I’m about to say next. “All that time I wanted to be with you and I think I convinced myself that it was something I had to do. But I’m starting to see that my heart just isn’t in it anymore.
“You’ve changed a lot over this last year or so, and I know Pierce has brought that out in you. I see how you shine when you’re with him. He brings out the best in you and you need to be with him. He makes you happy in ways that I can’t, and you deserve nothing but happiness, Addison.
“I don’t regret our time together or trying to give it another shot. I think I’d always have wondered if we would have worked out had your memories not come back, and if we didn’t try. So, in a way, I found some closure in all of this that I didn’t have the first time. God, I don’t want to hurt you; I care for you and love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
Through my whole long speech, Addison never broke eye contact with me. She sat there with a straight face, not giving anything away. Part of me wonders if she even heard what I said.
She sighs before saying, “It was the whitewater rafting, wasn’t it?” I look at h
er in shock that that’s her response, until I see she’s trying to hide the grin on her face.
My shoulders sag with relief that it doesn’t appear that I’ve crushed her, but I’m still perplexed by her reaction.
She squeezes my hand that she’s still holding and says, “That’s why I was coming over here. I feel the same way. I’ve noticed that I’ve changed and I don’t think we fit together like we used to. I still care about you as well and want you in my life as a friend, but I don’t want to be with you anymore either.”
The overwhelming amount of relief that I feel is indescribable. I was so worried about breaking her heart and stressing over nothing. This couldn’t have worked out more perfectly if I had planned it, and I’m so glad we’re on the same page. A small part of me is sad at leaving this chapter in my life behind. For a while, it’s been all I’ve known, but I know we’re both making the right decision and now I can be free to move on and find my own happiness.
“My offer still stands to break his legs if he hurts you,” I say to her.
She laughs and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
LEAVING COLIN’S house, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder and I can finally breathe again. I can’t even tell you how relieved I am. No one should have to have their heart broken by the same person twice, and I was so nervous about having to do it again. The fact that he felt the same way I did, and ultimately wanted what I did, was a huge comfort. Hearing Colin tell me that I needed to be with Pierce only made my heart soar more. I knew deep down I was making the right decision by choosing Pierce, it just helps hearing it from Colin as well. I’m glad we’re able to remain friends and I will continue to have him in my life. I hope when he feels the time is right, he finds someone just as perfect for him. He deserves to be happy too.
As I pull up to Pierce’s house, I see there are no cars in the driveway. This isn’t out of the normal for him though, since sometimes he just prefers to park in the garage. I get out of my car and quickly make my way to the front door. I knock a couple times then ring the bell as my impatience starts to take over. I hear Ali barking and excitement courses through my body. If everything goes the way I hope it does, I will be back in our home with my man and my baby. No longer being able to wait, I take out my key and unlock the door. The alarm is beeping as Ali is jumping on my leg to say hello. I shut the alarm off and bend down to kiss Ali on the head.