And while he thinks this is what he wants, would he feel the same once he found out the truth?
I knew it was wrong to keep such a huge secret from Riot, but I honestly had no other way to protect him. What would he gain from knowing? What would I achieve by telling him? And it’s not like the thought never crossed my mind. I tried. I thought that maybe if he knew, he’d find room in his life for me. But when the time came, I realized that position had been filled by dozens upon dozens of swooning fangirls.
That was then. The person Riot is today deserves to know. And now that I’ve seen DeDe, I know that I can’t be selfish anymore. I owe them both the truth, especially after what she whispered in my ear as we hugged goodbye. I don’t want to believe I had a hand in breaking her heart.
When the water runs cold, I realize that Riot has been gone for some time. I dry off, steal one of his oversized shirts, and head to the seating area to catch up on my current events since I don’t have my MacBook. Surprisingly, it’s been tidied up and my clothes are in a neatly folded pile on the couch. My phone rests on top of it and, of course, it’s dead. I don’t want to go through Riot’s things, but I need a charger. Luckily, there’s one on top of his nightstand.
I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear the double doors open behind me as I’m plugging the cord into the wall, but I’m relieved to find that it’s just Riot.
“I swear, I need to get it together and buy one of those phone cases that charge your phone. My editor is going to kill me. And Haze is probably freaking out. Did you know she hooked up with that DJ from the other night? What was his name again?”
When he doesn’t answer, I turn around, confusion on my brow. Riot’s expression is blank, cold. Not even the crack of a smile to show me that he’s just kidding around.
“Everything ok?” I ask, walking over to where he stands by the doors. But a sinking feeling is already in my gut, making fear bubble up into my chest. “Riot, um, is there something-”
“Is it true?”
“Is…is what true?”
“That you…” He swallows, grimacing like it pains him. “You were pregnant.”
“What?” I don’t even think the word was audible through the knot in my throat.
He fishes out his phone and reads, “Roxanne Lee, also known as Rox Lee at The Seattle Tea, is not only the mystery woman Riot Blu was spotted with, but is also rumored to be his childhood friend and old flame. But could she also be Riot’s baby mama? According to uncovered medical documents submitted by an undisclosed source, Roxanne Lee of Redmond, Washington, was prescribed prenatal vitamins when she was sixteen years old. However, there is no further information to confirm that Lee was pregnant by the playboy prince of blue-eyed soul.”
He looks up from his phone, and for the first time since he arrived, his hard exterior breaks. “You were pregnant with my baby, Rox. Weren’t you?”
I step forward, but it only makes him take a step back. “Please, let me explain. It wasn’t like that.”
“Just tell me, is it true? Just answer yes or no.”
“Riot, I need you to under-”
“Just fucking answer me!” he roars. He shoves the phone in my face and I’m forced to see the familiar homepage, along with the headline in big, bold letters.
TST Exclusive:
Call Him Daddy.
Is Riot Blu hiding a secret love child?
The identity of his new side chick revealed!
TST. As in, The Seattle Tea. The people I work with and the publication I’ve devoted years to broke the story. They betrayed me in the worst way imaginable.
“I just need you to put me out of my misery,” he rasps. “Please. Just tell me. Is it true?”
I have no reason to lie anymore. I have nothing left to lose.
“Yes.”
His face twitches like he’s just been slapped. “By me?”
“Yes.” There are tears streaming down my face, but I don’t swipe them away.
“And the baby?”
I knew it was coming. I knew I’d have to tell him sooner or later. And I knew I would lose him.
All I can manage to do is shake my head.
“Answer me, Rox. You owe me that much. What happened to the baby?”
I take a deep breath and utter the word that would steal him from me forever. “Gone.”
Riot looks away as if the very sight of me disgusts him. “Gone? What does gone mean?”
“You left. You didn’t even say goodbye. You were gone.”
“And what the hell does that have to do with my baby?” he snaps, turning back to me. Tears shine in his eyes, but I don’t know if they’re born from sadness or rage.
“You left me, Riot! I was sixteen, pregnant, and scared. I didn’t know what else to do,” I sob. “When my parents found the vitamins, they said they would take care of it. They took me to see a doctor. And then…then I wasn’t pregnant anymore.”
“You killed my baby,” he whispers. The first tear falls. “And you didn’t tell me. I didn’t even have a say. I spent every day for the past twelve years feeling guilty. I hated myself for what I did. All this time you spent blaming me and hating me, and you did this.”
“We were children! And don’t put this all on me. How was I supposed to tell you? Write your fan club? Leave a message on your MySpace wall? You left. You didn’t even tell me where you were going. I had to find out from your mom because you were too much of a coward to tell me yourself. So no, you didn’t have a say.”
“I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t! I couldn’t leave you, Rox. Don’t you get that? And if you found out from my mom, then you could have told her,” he counters. “You know DeDe would have contacted me. And I would have come back. I wouldn’t have left you to raise my baby alone. We would’ve been a family.”
“Which is why I didn’t tell you!” I close my eyes for a beat and take a breath to get my emotions in check. “If I told you, you would have come back. And I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t take away your dreams when I knew you were so close to achieving them. You deserved a chance, and raising a baby when we were still babies ourselves would have taken that chance away. So I did the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. You were born to be a star, Riot. So I gave you a chance to shine.”
He wipes his face with the back of his hand. I can’t stand not consoling him in his time of anguish, but when I try to reach out to hold him, he brushes my hands away.
“I can’t…I can’t even look at you. I told you I trusted you over anyone else, and you ended up hurting me worse than anyone.”
“Riot, I…” I try to touch him again, but he steps back.
“No. I have to go. I can’t…I just need some time.”
He turns and swings open the doors, finding that Kaz is standing in the doorway, his fist raised to knock. Kaz takes one look at Riot and then turns to me. Riot shakes his head and scowls.
“And by the way, I’ve known about you two this entire time.” He looks at me over his shoulder and sneers, “Those other women may have had lip injections and silicone asses and weaves. But you turned out be the fakest of them all.”
He storms past Kaz, nearly knocking him over. Kaz crosses into the room, unsure of what to do or say.
“I’m sorry, Rox,” he mutters. “It’s everywhere. The news broke this morning, and within five minutes, it was trending everywhere. He would have found out. I tried to call you to give you a heads up, but…” He shrugs. My phone was dead. There was nothing he could have done and the fact that he’s apologizing to me proves that he’s much too sweet for his own good.
“You’re a great guy,” I croak, my voice breaking. “And some girl is going to be lucky as hell to have you. Thank you, Kaz. You’re a good friend.”
He bows his thanks. “You want me to stay?”
I shake my head. “No. I’d just ruin you like I ruin everything else. Get out while you can.”
He replies with something kind and encoura
ging before leaving, but it makes no difference. This morning, I woke up with everything I’ve ever longed for. And without even trying, I managed to destroy the only man I ever loved, kill my career, and am quite possibly the most hated woman in the world. And I haven’t even had coffee yet.
I SOMEHOW WORK UP THE nerve to throw on my clothes from yesterday and go down to my room. Riot is nowhere to be found, and I’m relieved, considering I can’t quite look him in the eye yet. I expect to find my belongings broken and shredded to ribbons, but nothing has been touched. I guess scorned guy angles aren’t nearly as fascinating.
My phone has been ringing off the hook since it charged enough to turn on, but there’s only one person I need to hear from. After that, everything else will start to make sense.
“Hello? Is this the Rox Lee? The bitch that everyone wants to hate yet wants to be? I’m surprised you remembered little ol’ me now that you’re famous.”
I break down into heaving, devastating sobs, letting go of all the emotion that had been eating away at my insides like battery acid.
“Rox? Girl, what’s wrong? You know I’m just joking, right? Except about the forgetting me part. Because if I was the most talked about chick of the year, I’d peace out on everyone. Friends, family…bow, peasants.”
Even when she’s clueless and a little insensitive, just the sound of Haze’s voice is a lungful of oxygen when I’ve been submerged under water, drowning in the makings of my own demise.
“He…he… told me,” I bawl into my phone, no doubt inflicting some major water damage. “He told me…he loved me.”
“Aw, baby doll. I knew that. That boy will always love you.”
“And…I told him I love him too.” I grab some tissues from the ornate brushed silver dispenser on my desk and blow my nose unceremoniously. “Then we had sex. And it was so good, Haze. It was the best sex I ever had. I cried when I came! And…and…I came three times!”
If I weren’t so distraught, I’d be laughing, and I’m sure Haze is busting a silent gut on the other end. But instead of poking fun at my predicament, she tries to console me the only way she knows how.
“Girl, now that I understand. Three times? Shiiiit, good dick is hard to find. I’d be crying, too. I always knew Riot was a freak like me. I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of him.”
“What am I going to do, Haze? He hates me. He won’t even look at me.”
“Well, babe. You kinda messed up big. But Riot loves you more than anything and anyone on this earth. And he will forgive you. You just need to give him time and let him heal however he needs to. I remember what you went through after you found out he was gone and then right after that, you learned you were pregnant. Think about how that rocked your world. And don’t forget how you felt after your parents found out and made you get an abortion. You didn’t get out of bed for a week, Rox. You had time to mourn. He didn’t. Once he does, he’ll come back to you.”
“I’m not so sure,” I sniffle.
“Have faith. And if he doesn’t, then you’ve got a good ass story to tell your grandkids. Plus, maybe this’ll get you on Love and Hip-Hop. Or what’s the side chick equivalent of Real Housewives? Because you know that would be lit!”
I somehow manage to laugh. Only Haze would make a shitty situation comical.
“I going to start packing soon. I should be home this afternoon if I can convince Kaz to drive me.”
“Uh, that’s probably not a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Well…I haven’t been staying at the apartment since the pics got leaked. Riot hit me up and told me it’d be best if I grabbed some things and stayed with a friend. He offered to put me up at the Four Seasons, but he was worried about it being too public. So I’m chilling with my new flavor of the season. He’s like pumpkin spice. I should be disgusted with him by now, but honestly, I kinda like him.”
“Seriously?” This is a big deal. Haze likes someone? And she’s hanging out with him for more than a day? I never thought I’d hear her admit that she actually might be a relationship gal.
“Yeah. I mean, he’s hot as hell, that’s for sure. And while he is kinda young, he has his head on straight. He’s got his own money, and he hasn’t made me the least bit interested in checking his phone when he leaves the room. And…he’s funny. Smart. Passionate. And he can lay pipe like it’s his got damn job!”
Haze certainly has a way with words, but my heart warms at the way she describes her new guy. Usually she leads with an in-depth description of the guy’s pipe laying skills, or lack thereof. However, it was an afterthought today. Could Haze have met her match?
“Well, enjoy him, girl,” I say, drying the last of my tears. “I can hang out at the apartment until you come home.”
“I take it you haven’t looked outside or turned on the TV, huh? Babe…they know who you are. They know where you live. And PopBlu fans are vicious. The landlord called and said that someone got into our building and spray painted some bullshit on our front door. And when I told him I’d pay to have it cleaned, he said he’d call it even if you autographed a pair of panties for him. Things are different now. Your life is different now. I’m sorry, Rox, but you can’t come home yet. It’s not safe.”
Just as I was beginning to get a grip on my emotions, I’m hit with another blow. Not only did my actions force Haze from her home, but now I’m pretty much trapped here in the home of a man who can’t stand the sight of me. Staying would be cruel for the both of us, but leaving could be dangerous. Maybe I should suck it up and take my chances with the mob.
“Don’t make any rash decisions,” Haze tacks on as if she can read my thoughts. She knows me too well. “Stick it out and wait for him to come to you. You hated him for running away instead of being upfront with you. Don’t be a hypocrite and do the same.”
I feel stronger by the end of our conversation although I’m dreading my next call. Not because I’m scared, but because I’m hurt. I’ve been betrayed.
“This is Frost.”
“If you wanted me to resign, you should have said so.”
Bari releases a heavy breath on the other line. “There was nothing I could do, Lee. I tried to kill it, but it went over my head. Even called you at least a dozen times throughout the night before it went live. I’m sorry. It wasn’t my call.”
“So I’m guessing Letitia is getting a raise,” I grumble, referring to the lead writer for Celeb Gossip. If I would have turned down Riot’s invitation to move in, she would have been the one occupying the rose gold room. And knowing Letitia, maybe even his bed.
“Letitia is great at what she does, and because of that, she’ll probably always have a job here, or even at a bigger publication. But she’ll never be a better writer than you. She’ll never create something that will leave its mark on someone’s heart. And she’ll never have one of the most famous pop stars in the world personally call her editor and request to work with her and only her.”
The phone almost slips from my fingertips. “Wha…what are you saying?”
Bari snorts. “The Seattle Tea didn’t land an exclusive with Riot Blu, Rox. You did. He called and he wanted you.”
I’m speechless. And even if I had the words, I don’t think I could say them without starting up the waterworks again.
Bari senses the hesitation in my silence. “I’m not worried about you, kid. Honestly, I think keeping you on here would be unfair to you and even more unethical of us. You’re going to be fine. Besides, you’ve got a huge story to write and I can bet my only remaining testicle that much larger news sites would pay top dollar for a story written by Riot’s first love. I do recall hearing you were hanging out with E! execs the other night.”
I know what he’s doing, and now, more than ever, I am so grateful to have worked with Bari. He can be a pig at times, and I certain he’s done some shady things for a story, but he’s always been fairly good to me. Especially now. He didn’t have to tell me that the Riot piece was still mine to
write even if I wasn’t representing The Seattle Tea. He could have let the whole thing die, then no one would get it.
We promise to keep in touch and Bari offers a recommendation letter and any other help he can give. I’m still unemployed, but for the first time all day, I feel hopeful.
And I feel like writing.
I scrap the Riot Blu exclusive altogether. Regurgitating the same tired questions and getting the same manufactured answers just doesn’t seem appealing to me. It never was. Maybe for an artist I didn’t know or didn’t care too much about, yeah…it’d do. But not for Riot. He deserved better from me because he is better. He’s the best man I’ve ever known, despite what’s printed about him in gossip rags.
I write all afternoon and only take a break to grab coffee and a couple of Chef Dani’s homemade cinnamon rolls. While they are delicious, I have to force myself to pause long enough to scarf them down. I don’t get many moments like this. For years, I’ve been writing what Bari wanted, what readers wanted, and even what record labels wanted. And not once did I have the opportunity to write what I wanted. To write about the music that had served as the soundtrack to the most precious, pivotal times in my life. And that soundtrack was written, composed, and performed by none other than Riot Blu.
I don’t realize that the sun has gone down until I reach over to turn on the desk lamp. My fingers hover over the keys and I wonder if Riot has returned. And if he has, is he avoiding me? Does he think I’ve abandoned him? He has to know that I’d do anything to make things right, even if it means swallowing my pride and letting him go. Because I love him enough to admit that he deserves better.
I save my work, throw on some sweats and an old t-shirt, and climb into bed. The thought crosses my mind to call him, but instead, I try to convey my feelings in song, yet nothing quite fits. From Boyz II Men to Babyface, none of the tried-and-true apology ballads really captured the depth of my whole heart. So I settled on the words I should have said when he first walked back into my life. The words I should have said twelve years ago.
I’m sorry.
Rhythm and Blu Page 21