Pulse (Collide)

by Gail McHugh

  The possibility of losing Gavin forever tore through Emily’s chest as she hunched over, her arms wrapped around her stomach that would soon bloom with life. A beautiful life that shared her blood, but may not share the blood of the man she couldn’t live without.

  Breathe…

  “Emily.” Lisa’s soft voice barely broke through her thoughts… her nightmare. Emily felt her sister’s caring touch on her neck. “Emily, look at me.”

  Covering her mouth, tears pooled in Emily’s eyes as she shook her head. “It might not be Gavin’s,” she cried, trying to keep her voice to a whisper. “Oh my God, Lisa, it might not be his.”

  Lisa leaned into Emily, cradling her the way their mother would when she was hurt. “I know, sweetie. I know.” Dangling over the edge of near insanity, Emily shook, her cries muffled against Lisa’s chest. “Listen to me, okay? I want you to lie down. I’ll tell Gavin you were tired and went to take a nap. It’ll hold him off until after we’re done eating dinner. You’ll have some time to think about what you’re going to say to him. All right?”

  Lips trembling, Emily nodded. She swiped her hands through her hair, plucked a tissue from the container, and looked at her reflection. Her eyes, puffy and blackened with smeared mascara, would soon stare into the eyes of the man she loved so desperately. The man she may very well lose. After scrubbing her face with soap and water, she gave Lisa a hug and made her way to the guest room. Her heart dipped lower in her chest when she heard Gavin bark out a laugh as he accepted a few more jabs from Michael regarding the Knicks’ loss.

  With the click of the door, her thoughts spiraled out of control. She was about to ruin him. How would she even begin to tell him the news that was about to change them forever? Words. Her mind felt stripped of the right words to say. Would he just up and leave her in California? Visions of his face the second he found out hit, plowing through Emily’s head. Bile burning like acid rain rose in her throat. In a haze of not only fear but a loneliness so dark, she sank onto the bed, pulling her knees against her chest. As she lay there, she tried to go over what she would say, how she would say it. But as the minutes ticked by, she was fast becoming aware no amount of right words would make any of it simple. Life was about to change. She didn’t have to lie there too long, praying Gavin would remain by her side when it did, because a moment later, the door creaked open and in walked the man who would forever steal the breath from her lungs. The man who, no matter what decision he made in the next few minutes, would forever own her heart.

  Emily swallowed and sat up. She tried to keep the edge of despair from her voice. “You’re already finished eating?” She watched him pull the hideous Lakers sweatshirt over his head, leaving him in a white T-shirt and Dolce and Gabana jeans that hung just below the glorious V that sculpted his abs. He ran his hand through his messy black hair and stretched. She swallowed again as he made his way toward her, his contagious smile reminding her what she could potentially lose.

  Sinking onto the bed, he gathered her in his arms and pulled her on top of his chest as he leaned against the headboard. “Michael was right. Though we leave in two days, staying in this house could turn me into a fat bastard.” Chuckling, he popped a kiss on her forehead. “I was full from the ten pounds of chips and dip I inhaled before your sister said dinner was ready, so I decided to skip. Besides, once I knew you were in here alone, I couldn’t resist.”

  Emily gave a weak smile as her eyes soaked in his dimple, drowning in every inch of slight stubble on his chin. They followed the contour along each line and plane of his beautiful face, a face that’d kidnapped her heart and held it hostage from the second she saw it. A face that might soon be nothing more than a memory that’d touched her life for the briefest moment.

  “Hey,” Gavin said, dipping his head, his eyes searching hers. “What’s the matter?”

  And there it was. The question that would lead them both down a path that could break them. Their pieces scattering along a road that held so much hope. So much love and promise.

  Breathe…

  “I have to tell you something,” Emily whispered, her body as numb as it was when Gavin was gone.

  A current of worry zipped through Gavin. He leaned up, straddling Emily’s legs over his waist. Cupping her cheeks, he searched her eyes again. “Talk to me, doll. What’s wrong?”

  “I… I’m…” The words, wrong or right, caught in her throat as she tried to pull in a breath. Tried to get them to come out. This was it. She had to say them. Breathe… “Gavin, I’m pregnant.”

  Relief, pounding like a crashing wave, washed over him. The woman he’d loved from the minute she stepped into his life, who he was sure he would have a family with, just told him he was going to be a father. Father. The word ricocheted through Gavin’s heart, the proud feeling behind that title reminding him of his own. This wasn’t bad news. Surely Emily was scared, as was Gavin, but she had no reason to be. He would do everything in his power to make sure she and their child were loved beyond any measure he could ever show. With excitement unlike anything he’d ever known flowing through him, Gavin brought Emily’s mouth to his. Kissing her hard, a cascade of moments to come filled his soul.

  However, when she immediately pulled away, so did his excitement. The empty look in her eyes screamed out something that hadn’t crossed his thoughts. The choking feeling in his throat nearly consumed him as he waited for her to say something. Anything. He just prayed it wasn’t what he thought it was, because no matter how much he loved her—and God, he loved her—he’d never allow Emily to get rid of something that was a piece of them.

  “Gavin,” Emily whispered, her heart exploding because, in the few seconds he’d kissed her, she felt a love so deep from him, she knew he didn’t understand what they were about to face. “It might not be yours.” She paused, her body trembling as she stared into eyes suddenly empty of emotion. Void of the spark she’d fallen in love with. She heard him swallow, heard his breathing pick up, and she shivered before she continued. “My last period was a few days before you and I were together the first time. I have an idea how far along I might be, but…”

  “You’re most likely carrying Dillon’s child.” The brokenness in Gavin’s voice cut through the air. No longer able to hear what he was, he slipped from the bed and started pacing, his mind a complete clusterfuck of emotions he couldn’t come close to dealing with in that moment. Anger at the situation thrust upon him and the woman who filled his life beyond words spread through his body. Reaching for his sweatshirt, he pulled it over his head and looked at Emily. His heart fell when he saw her confused eyes staring back. “I have to leave.”

  “What?” Emily breathed, standing. “Where are you going?”

  Seeing the panic bleed from her eyes made him feel like an asshole, but he couldn’t stay. Trying to soften the confusion he knew was all over his face, he walked over to her and placed his hand along the delicate curve of her jaw. Her lips trembled as she stared at him, the deep green pools of her eyes begging him not to go. Fuck. Pain ripped through his muscles as he fought to do exactly that. Stay. Talk with her. Figure out how they could make this work. God help him. Though he wanted to, he couldn’t. He needed out, and he needed out now.

  Without saying another word to her, Emily watched him turn and make his way out of the room. He took her scarred heart right along with him as he closed the door. The reality that he might not be able to handle the pressure of it all bulldozed through her mind, leaving her speechless and broken. A single tear slipped from her eye as she sucked in a shuddering breath. Once again alone with her thoughts, Emily tried to pull herself together as she flipped off the light next to the bed.

  In the darkness, she sank onto the mattress, her gaze catching the shadows dancing across the ceiling. She slid her hand across her stomach, realizing the enormity of the torture to come. Day in and day out of not knowing whose child she was carrying would surely crack her. Emily found herself on a road she didn’t think she would cross so soon i
n her life. Definitely not under these circumstances. However, she needed to believe there was a reason this was happening. Continuing to cry, she fought hard to find that reason, but she couldn’t. It didn’t appear. As seconds blurred into minutes and minutes disappeared into hours, the only thing she knew she had to find was the missing piece of her heart that’d walked out the room a broken man. Without another thought, she stood, plucked a light jacket from her suitcase, and rushed into the hall. Brushing her tears away, Emily rounded the corner, running right into her sister.

  Lisa reached out and steadied Emily by her shoulders. “Jesus, are you okay? I was just coming to check on you. I figured I’d give you some time to yourself.”

  Breathing frantically, Emily shook her head and hurried into the kitchen. Lisa followed. Assuming Gavin had taken off in the car he’d bought her, Emily swiped Lisa’s keys from a hook on the wall next to the refrigerator.

  “Where are you going?” Lisa asked.

  “I have to find him,” Emily breathed, making her way toward the garage.

  “He never left.”

  Lisa’s words stopped Emily in her tracks. She whipped around. “What?”

  “I mean, he didn’t drive away. I think he took a walk down by the pier.”

  Emily’s heart stilled for a moment as she replaced the keys on the hook. But that only lasted for a second because as she turned, her heart rate picked back up as she approached the French doors off the side of the den. Swimming in a sea of hurt, she swung them open and stepped out into the cool night air. Shivering from a breeze skirting off the ocean, Emily threw on her jacket and started up a hill, just beyond her sister’s home, leading to weathered wooden stairs.

  It didn’t take her long to spot Gavin, and when she did, her breath caught. As Lisa thought, he was sitting on a bench down by the pier, the ambient glow from a dockside light shining above his body. He looked like an angel, but she knew he was in hell. Overlooking the ocean and the man she loved, tiny beads of sweat formed along her forehead. With the wind blowing through her hair, Emily brought her hands up to her mouth and sucked in a breath, trying to find the courage she needed to go to him. Somewhere between remembering what they had been together and what they were always meant to be, Emily found that courage. Up until now, Gavin might’ve only represented a small part of her past, but she needed him to fill every second, minute, and hour of her future, and she wasn’t about to let him go for anything. She couldn’t. She refused.

  Gripping the rusty metal railing, she slowly started down the stairs, her pulse fluttering with each step she took. By the time she made it to the sand, Gavin stood from the bench, catching her gaze. In an instant, Emily froze, her breath faltering. As the waves kicked up, pounding against the pier, she watched Gavin make his way toward her. He shoved his hands in his pockets, his eyes locking on hers as he stopped a few feet away. Even with distance separating them, Emily could feel his heart burning through her, felt the undeniable connection they shared.

  “I love you, Emily Cooper.” He paused, looked at the ground, then back to her. “I think I loved you before I knew you existed.” His voice was so soft, Emily could barely hear him. He stepped closer and brought his hand to her cheek, his touch gentle as his blue eyes caressed hers. “I’m pretty sure you were in my dreams before you walked into my life. I felt it the first time I saw you. You pulled at me. Took hold of my heart and never let go. Even if you had, I wouldn’t have let you. I wouldn’t have been able to. Something about you was… familiar, and it scared the shit out of me, but I knew somehow we needed one another. I’ve never been a man who believed in any type of fate. I considered it fluffy bullshit women read in romance novels, but sitting down here for the last couple of hours, I started thinking about you and me. Our romance. Our novel.” Once again he paused, his head tilted as he wiped away a tear that’d trickled down her cheek. “Did you know I was supposed to go on that trip to Ohio with Trevor when you were in school?”

  “I did,” she whispered. Though her nerves started to calm, she wasn’t sure if this was his goodbye. “Olivia told me.”

  “Right.” Stepping closer, he wrapped his arm around her waist and brushed his lips against hers. “You were never supposed to be with Dillon. You were always supposed to wind up with me, but fate interrupted us for a while. This baby may not be mine, but it’s a piece of something I need in my life. Something I’ll cherish even after I’m long gone. I wasn’t kidding when I said the good, the bad, and the in between. This is just our… in between right now.” A small cry escaped Emily’s lips, and God, Gavin’s heart broke. Melted. “Standing here before you tonight, I give you my word as a man, as your friend, and as your lover, if this baby isn’t mine, I’ll love it no less than I do the angel carrying it. I can’t tell you I’m not scared because that would be a lie, and I promised you I’d never lie to you. I’m scared to death, and I know you are too. So, Miss Cooper, if you’ll forgive me for acting like an asshole by leaving you alone while I got my head on straight, the next few months, you and I are going to be absolutely scared to fucking death together. No matter what, we’ll figure it out. Sound like a deal?”

  Body warm and breath stolen, Emily nodded and pulled him down to her mouth. She’d stepped out of her sister’s home swimming in a sea of hurt and confusion. But now, as she stood on this beautiful Christmas night kissing the man who would stay by her side through anything, she was drowning in a sea of relief so deep, words couldn’t even begin to describe it.

  The New Year had come and gone, bringing with it a mountain of emotions for Emily. As she sat in her doctor’s office, holding Gavin’s hand, Emily couldn’t help but wonder what it was like for her mother when she’d found out she was pregnant with her. Given her father started showing signs of abuse somewhat late in their marriage, Emily’s mother never hid the fact that Emily was an unplanned pregnancy. Her intentions were to leave Emily’s father shortly before she found out she was having another baby with him. Nonetheless, she always told Emily she was the greatest surprise of her life. That simple statement rang loud in Emily’s ears as the receptionist called her up to the window to fill out paperwork.

  “Do you want me to go with you?” Gavin asked as she rose from her chair.

  Emily shook her head, trying to ignore her full bladder that’d just screamed out in pain. “No, I’m good. It’ll just take a second.”

  Gavin nodded.

  After reaching for her purse, Emily made her way to the window. While waiting for the blonde, bobbed-hair girl to finish up a call she’d taken, Emily glanced around the small office at the other couples waiting to be seen. Emily wondered if any of them were in the same situation as her and Gavin. From their smiles, she highly doubted it. On a sigh, she rummaged through her purse, plucking out her insurance card and license.

  “Sorry about that. It was my boyfriend,” the receptionist squeaked, sliding a clipboard through the window. “If nothing’s changed, you can just sign at the bottom, and Dr. Richards will be with you shortly.”

  “I have a new insurance carrier, and my home address has changed.” Emily handed her the card and license. After snapping her gum, the girl rolled her eyes, flipped her hair, and turned to go make copies. Emily shook her head at the obvious lack of professionalism. When the girl finally returned, she slipped them back through the window, and Emily filled in the necessary sections on the form. Afterward, she sat next to Gavin, feeling as though she was about to burst.

  “You don’t look so hot,” Gavin whispered, his lips turned down. “Do I need to make a scene in here if they don’t let you pee within the next two minutes? You know I can deliver.”

  Trying not to giggle because she knew it’d be the end of her bladder, Emily laced her fingers through his. “Oh, I know you can.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “But I’m okay. At least for another few minutes.”

  Gavin smiled and brushed his thumb along the top of her hand. “You’re in dire need of my twenty questions game.” Emily looked at him
as though he’d sprouted a new head. “I’m serious. It’ll help take your mind off this whole non-urination thing. I go first.”

  Emily frowned, nudging his arm. “You always get to go first.”

  “That’s because I invented it, sweets.” Grinning, Gavin stared into her eyes. “Silk or lace?”

  Emily lifted a brow. “That’s a question I should be asking you.”

  “Nope.” Gavin leaned in closer, his lips grazing her ear. “My game. My rules. Now answer the question. Silk… or… lace?”

  Emily pulled in a breath, his husky tone instantly making her forget her bladder issue. “I… like… silk.”

  Gavin smirked. “Nice answer. Can’t beat Emily Cooper in silk.” He leaned back, sliding his arm over her shoulder. “Stone or brick?”

  “Hey.” Emily nudged his arm again. “It’s my turn. And how do you go from silk or lace to stone or brick?”

  “My game. My rules, so I decided to change the rules and go again.” He smiled at her pouting lips and leaned into her ear once more. He nipped it and held it between his teeth, loving the way he could feel her shudder. “Don’t worry about how I go from one subject to the next. Just answer the question. Stone… or… brick?”

  Emily puffed out a breath, convinced he’d spent years studying the art of driving women to the brink of losing control in public. Full bladder a distant memory, Emily brought her gaze to his, her ear desperately missing his teeth. “Stone,” she said slowly. Now she’d play his game, knowing she could drive him as physically crazy as he did her. “I like anything…hard.” Gavin’s eyes honed in on her lips, so she puckered them, feeling high as she watched his pupils dilate with lust. Oh yes, she had him. “Not that brick isn’t… hard, but if I’m not mistaken, and I could be, so forgive me if so, but isn’t stone… harder… much… harder than brick?”