When I opened what I thought was just a linen closet I noticed a stacked washer and dryer nestled comfortably among a wire shelving unit. Really? I thought about my Sunday afternoon outings to the Laundromat at Fraser and Broadway, where the lady that smelled like moth balls and Menthol cigarettes liked to give me shit when I complained about the dryer that left all our clothes semi-damp even after three cycles. Could this be real? I felt like pinching myself.
The main bath was clean – pristine even – and looked brand new. The tub had a wall-mounted supportive bar that I noticed right away. This was getting ridiculous…
I wandered into the kitchen then. It was a modest size but the cabinets were large and there was ample storage space, and the appliances were simple and lower-end but also brand new. But the back patio door caught my attention immediately and I walked over and opened it, stepping out onto a small but completely enclosed outdoor deck. I imagined a table, some potted flowers, me and a glass of wine…
My mind kept spinning in circles and wandering even as both Ben and Erin joined me out on the patio and I overheard bits and pieces of information as she continued to try to sell me on the suite. “The landlord is awesome…agreed to repaint the entire suite as soon as I found a sublet…it’s rent-controlled, so I only pay $1325 a month and they can’t up that for five years…brand-new appliances, everything works great, never had a problem…right on the Sky-train line which is super handy…close to everything…surprisingly quiet neighbourhood for the area…”
I noticed Ben watching me, trying to read my silence when I just cut Erin off in mid-sentence…I had completely lost control of my manners. “So what do we do now? I mean I want it, it’s perfect, what do I do?”
“Ahhh…” Erin gave me a strange look, obviously a little taken aback by my abruptness. “Well, you’d have to apply through the property manager but…I mean, if there aren’t any issues, then the place is yours. I had to move really quick so I didn’t have any time to find anyone to take the place…you don’t have any competition, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I’ll be out by tomorrow night.”
I let my breath out, still trying to take it all in. A ringing suddenly interrupted my scrambling brain.
“Sorry…” Erin pulled her phone out. “I should take this…I’ll let you guys talk…” And she darted back in through the sliding patio doors.
Ben watched her go and then turned back to me, a little look of amusement dancing in his eyes. “You okay?”
I shook my head slowly, a giant numbness taking over inside me…but a nice numbness…almost a calming numbness…
“I can’t believe this.” I sighed deeply. “It’s perfect.”
“Yeah, it’s not bad…” Ben agreed with me. “I saw some loose base-boards in the living room but they can probably fix that when they paint…”
I just threw my arms around him. “Thank you.” My voice was barely a whisper.
Ω
“This has gotta go. I don’t care what you say, Gabby, but lugging boxes full of garbage into your new apartment doesn’t exactly ring out…fresh start!”
I looked up from the dishes I was wrapping in newspapers over to where Corinne was holding up two severely rusted sheet trays she had just pulled out from inside the oven drawer.
“You just have to wrap them in tin-foil –they’re perfectly usable!” I dismissed her with a glance.
She shook her head slowly, dropping them down onto the counter, just as Ben walked into the kitchen, carrying another box of books from my bedroom. “Ben…a little help here?” she eyed him.
I looked up and noticed him glance over at the trays Corinne was still making faces at. “I pulled one of the trash bins next to the back door – just toss ‘em in there…” he said simply and then kept walking out the back door to the pick-up truck waiting in the back lane.
I groaned. “Really?” I was completely exasperated. I had heard nothing but how I needed to throw away nearly every possession my mother and I owned for the better part of the evening.
Corinne smiled back at me. “I like him.”
It had been an eventful couple of days. After Ben and I had left Erin’s apartment on Monday evening I had been through a roller coaster of emotions. She had given us the paperwork to fill out on the spot and I immediately wrote out a cheque for the nearly $700 needed to secure the apartment upon review of my application, and by the next day I received word that I had been accepted and the lease was signed. By Tuesday evening I was in full move-out mode and was organizing and packing and running on auto-pilot, working until well past midnight. I wanted Lazaro to be able to stay in the new apartment the night he arrived so Ben arranged to borrow his friend’s pick-up truck so we could move all the necessities into the new apartment by the time his flight arrived late Wednesday evening.
Corinne and Tony immediately offered to help with the move and Ben roped in his nephew Levi as well. It was amazing to me, watching so many people I cared about working so hard to help me. By 9 pm that evening we had moved nearly every large piece of furniture out, as well as the entire kitchen, and our clothes. There was still a lot left to go through but the important piece was done, so when I stepped out onto the porch before they took off with the last load for the night, I wasn’t too surprised to find Ben sparking up a joint with Tony and Corinne, enjoying the cool, night breeze that had picked up with the setting sun.
“You guys are amazing…” I let my breath out, as I leaned back up against the railing. “I just want you to know…I appreciate everything and I…” my voice trailed off as I felt myself start to choke up.
“Aww…” Tony was next to me in a flash, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and squeezing gently. “You know we love you, Gabby…”
Ben was sitting on the porch steps, leaning back against the railing and smiled up at me when I caught his eye.
“Although, if we really loved you enough, we would sign you up for Hoarding: Buried Alive…” Corinne noted dryly. “But everyone else seemed to think that would be in bad taste…”
“It’s okay,” I assured her easily. “At this point I really don’t give a fuck anymore…but what happened to my coffee maker? I found it in the trash.”
I saw Ben reach over and take the joint from Tony casually, as he glanced over at me. “You’re welcome…”
Ω
I had both beds made and a semi-functional living room when I noticed the lights of the Yellow Cab pull up in front of the new apartment at half past midnight. I was exhausted. I’d had no more than eight hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and no part of me felt prepared for what was to come. I hadn’t seen my brother in nearly four years. I didn’t even know what emotions I was supposed to be feeling, other than the obvious – fear.
Ben had been the last to leave that night. He’d stayed until about 11 pm, after helping me fix up both bedrooms and unpacking the dishes in the kitchen. One of the last things he unpacked for me was the brand new French Press and coffee grinder he’d bought for me.
“You’re kidding…” I let my breath out as I came up behind him, noticing his gift to me as he set it out on the sparkling counter top.
“I had some Blue Mountain still hangin’ out in the back of my freezer from my last trip home,” he said then, holding up the bag of beans for me. “You probably gonna need it in the morning…”
I smiled back at him, my heart rate picking up. “Thanks…Ben…I don’t even…I don’t even know how to use one of those,” I admitted.
He eyed me briefly and then sucked his teeth. “You serious?”
I nodded apologetically, as I came up beside him.
“You boil your water, you grind your beans, you mix ‘em together and you push down the filter,” he explained, as if stating the obvious.
I smiled again. “I guess I’ll figure it out…or you can show me.”
“That or you could read the instructions,” he suggested simply, knocking the top of my head lightly with the little booklet, teasing me.<
br />
I laughed at that, but then just as quickly my face fell, my heart lept into my chest, and I began choking back my tears.
“Hey...” Ben said softly, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me. “Just relax, baby…you’ll be fine.”
“I don’t know about that.” I wasn’t convinced.
I felt his fingers pushing my hair back and tipping my face up. He locked his eyes to mine. “Well, I do…trust me.”
“I wish you could stay here with me tonight. You could hide out in the bedroom, he won’t even know you’re here…”
Ben laughed softly. “No thanks, baby…you got this, though.”
I sighed. “Okay…I guess so…” I wasn’t able to hide my disappointment.
“And I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said softly, tipping my chin up and kissing me softly.
I licked my lips, staring back at him. “I really can’t convince you, can I?”
He shook his head slowly, as he traced my lips with his thumb, watching me. “No…you gotta do this yourself, Gabby. Besides…I got some sleep to catch up on.”
I rolled my eyes. “You and your love-affair with sleeping…”
“It’s one a my favourite things,” he winked back at me.
“Yeah…no shit, Martha Stewart,” I teased him back. “That and all your fancy kitchen gadgets…”
He laughed at that. “This ain’t fancy, baby – cost me twenty bucks.” He shrugged it off.
I glared back at him. “Oh, I feel so loved…” Then I bit my lip. The L word was one I stumbled over all the time with Ben – and was always successful at suppressing. And twenty bucks was definitely nothing compared to the thousands of dollars Ben was shelling out for me at the moment…I was such a moron.
But Ben just smiled back at me, pushed my hair back, and gave me another little kiss on my forehead. “Later, baby.”
And so about an hour later there I sat in my brand new living room, among my old living room furniture and a few cardboard boxes, the emptiness feeling so foreign to me. And it was way too fucking quiet. The TV and cable was still hooked up back at the old apartment. I had my lap top and my phone, but no internet. I guess Laz and I would have no choice but to sit and talk to each other.
Chapter Eighteen
When I was a really little girl – before my mom got ill – Lazaro was my protector. He always found a way to distract me, play with me, make me laugh and tell me stories as soon as the screaming matches between Raoul and my mother would begin. Sometimes he would sneak me out onto the little balcony of our apartment on the hill overlooking the city – even in the middle of the night – and we would dangle our bare legs between the wrought iron railing and he would read to me. At the age of 8 he was already reading well ahead of any of the other children in his class and his teacher would let him bring three books home every night. I would beg him for stories about beautiful princesses like Cinderella and Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, but Laz refused to indulge me in any fairy tales. Instead he generally read me stories about slaying dragons, because as he put it, that shit was real and could one day save my life.
It was that same little boy – my protector – that I recognized in the picture of my nephew Felipe, as I scrolled through the photos on Laz’s phone the night he arrived. Of course, I had seen many pictures of his kids before that – on facebook and via email – but it never really hit me until that moment how much I saw of my brother in his son.
“Mama will like these,” I said then, scanning back over my favourites, as we sat together on the couch. “We should go get a few printed tomorrow on the way to the hospital…”
Laz nodded slowly. “I sent her that album last Christmas, does she still have it?”
“Yeah. She keeps it in her dresser, though. In the top drawer.”
He gave me a strange look. “She keeps it in a drawer?”
I nodded. “It’s just easier for her, Laz. To have it close to her, you know…she spends a lot of time in her bed.”
He let his breath out deeply, rubbing his palms over his thighs. I had never seen anyone look more uncomfortable…more nervous…more ready to just jump up and bolt…
I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. “Why did you come?”
He glanced back over at me again. “What kinda question is that, Gabby?” He dismissed it, and stood up slowly, glancing around the room, taking in his surroundings. “How the hell did you even find this place?” he wondered, changing the subject and starting to wander down the hallway.
I stood up and followed behind him. “A friend of mine.”
“Can you even afford it?” I saw him peeking in at the washer/dryer.
“Well…it’s a stretch…but I’ll make it work.”
He gave me a confused look. “So you’re just paying for two apartments right now?” He didn’t look to be buying it. “And you’re gonna move Mom in here with you when they let her go?”
I nodded. “Yup. That’s the plan. There were like ten steps up the front porch at the old place – there’s no way we could get her wheelchair in and out, and this place…well…as you can see…”
“Gabby, why are you doing this?” Laz just stared back at me, cutting me off in mid-sentence.
I swallowed. “Excuse me?”
“Here.” He reached into his back pocket then and pulled out what looked like a piece of paper but when he unfolded it I noticed it was actually a pamphlet of some sort. “I wanted to show you this first, before we talk to Mom about it tomorrow, I didn’t want to spring it on you…just take a look.”
I took the piece of paper from him and immediately understood. Pine Tree Hollows Long-Term Care Home. Providing Quality Care, Support and Assistance To All Our Residents Since 1973.
“I don’t fucking believe this.”
“Just look at it, Gabby. What do you think Andrea and I have been doing for the past month or so? We looked into everything, all right…they have an excellent reputation – check out the website, everything’s there – plus she can get in right away…and the difference between her disability cheque and the fees are just a couple hundred dollars. We talked about it and Andrea and I will cover the difference. We want to do this, Gabby, and I think Mom will want this too, I just really need you to be on board with this ‘cause you know if you fight it she’ll just…”
“Forget it.” I dropped the brochure onto the table. “You’re not doing this, Laz.”
“Gabby, open your fucking eyes – please – for once in your life!” Laz was pleading with me. “You can’t do this yourself, not anymore, not like this…I talked to Teresa and she agrees with me, she can’t do this anymore either, why can’t you see that?”
“That’s fine. I don’t need Teresa anymore.”
“Okay, so what are you gonna do? You gonna quit your job and play nurse all day long? How the fuck is Mom gonna take care of herself here all day by herself? Have you thought about that? Have you thought about anything, Gabby?”
“Of course I have!” I shot back. “We went through everything at the hospital already – Mom qualifies for home care now, someone will be here every day with her while I’m at work, I’m not fuckin’ stupid, Laz, I know what Mom needs, okay – I’m the only one that even gives a shit about her anyway! I mean, you can say what you like about how you did the honorable thing by running away and not burdening your mother with any guilt so she can instead just wallow alone in her bedroom by herself and stare at all your beautiful goddamn photo albums all day…so grateful and thankful and fucking blessed that her son was able to escape her. Give me a fucking break, Laz! Don’t you think it would be nice for her to see her grandchildren? Don’t you think it would be nice for anyone whose life has been crippled and broken and torn out from under them to at least have their children with them?” I was shaking but I swallowed back the tears. I had cried enough.
Laz was just staring back at me. He didn’t say anything for a long time. And I just waited. For what, I don’t know, but I wasn’t sure I even cared a
nymore. I really wanted my bed, but considering how the screaming match was playing out in my new hallway, I was glad Ben had insisted on going home. It would have killed me for him to have listened to this…
“You know…Gabby…this wasn’t the first time.” His voice was calm when he did finally speak.
I ran my fingers through my hair. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…long before all this…long before Mom was ever really sick, Gabby…” His voice broke suddenly and I stared back at him…waiting. “It’s not about the MS. The pills…the depression…fuck, Gabby…all of that was there before, don’t you get it?”
I shook my head slowly, not wanting to listen to him anymore. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Laz.”
“I know you don’t. Because I didn’t want you to know.”
I was getting a head ache. “Laz, what the fuck are you talking about?”
He drew his breath in slowly, watching me. “Do you remember when we moved here…like six months or something after we moved here, Gabby, you finally made that friend across the street, I forget her name, but you used to ride your bike with her all the time…”
“Stephanie.” My voice was a whisper.
Laz nodded slowly. “Yeah…Stephanie…and a few weeks later she invited you to sleep over, remember, and you kept begging Mom to let you go and she kept saying no and you started crying and you got so upset until eventually Mom just caved and said yes you could go.” He met my eyes again. “You remember that?”
I nodded again. “Yes. I had to stay a second night.”
“You remember.”
“Yeah, because…” My head was spinning, trying to make some sense of the memory. “Because you had an accident, Laz, you had to go to the hospital, I remember that, it was food poisoning…”
But Laz just shook his head slowly. “It wasn’t food poisoning, Gabby.” He paused but only for a moment. “I drank a glass of Drano.”
Love Is Overdue Page 27