My eyes went wide and I just stared back at my brother, in total confusion.
“The first time I caught her, Gabby, I had to pry her fingers so hard off the bottle she left scratches on my hands.” His voice was barely audible but I heard every word. “I told her if I ever caught her trying to drink it again she would have to watch me die first.”
Ω
I was sitting in my mother’s bedroom, which was now empty of furniture but still strewn with her belongings – papers, knick-knacks, piles and piles of old pill bottles and a shit load of clothes she never wore anymore. I was trying to decide what I could throw away, but looking around me, in that moment, I realized there was nothing there that she needed or would even miss and go looking for. Just because my mother never threw anything away didn’t mean she cared about what was there. The irony of that thought alone was almost more than I could bear.
I didn’t go to the hospital with Laz the day after he arrived. After he confessed his long buried secret things turned surprisingly calm. For him it was after 4 am and I showed him to my bedroom, deciding it was better that I take my mother’s room after all. And afterward, as tired as I had been earlier, sleep was the last thing on my mind. I headed back into the kitchen and continued organizing the cupboards, arranging and rearranging everything I could find.
Tony had gone on a last minute grocery run before he’d left that night and bought me milk, eggs, bread, a sack of oranges and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s – just the basic necessities. I pulled the ice cream from the freezer and grabbed a spoon and sat down at the kitchen table, settling in with the instructions for my new coffee maker – which was actually just a carafe with a fancy looking filter attached to the lid. Then, satisfied that I knew what the hell I was doing, I grabbed the Blue Mountain coffee beans and the coffee grinder and blitzed them to a pulp – realizing only afterward the ridiculous amount of noise it made. I couldn’t find the tea kettle so I grabbed a sauce pan and boiled the water that way, then poured it over the ground up beans and waited the recommended five minutes it took for it to steep. I swirled my spoon around in the coffee and watched this delicious caramel-coloured foam rise and settle on top, then pushed the filter down ever so gently until the darkest, richest, most aromatic, perfectly brewed coffee sat floating above the filter. I scooped a spoonful of ice cream into my mug and poured the hot coffee down over top of it and took a small sip. As I had anticipated, it was the best fucking cup of coffee I’d ever had in my life…
Ω
I pulled out a cigarette and lit up, deciding to use one of the old pill bottles as an ashtray, when I heard my phone buzzing.
I smiled to myself and hit reply.
I checked the time. It was almost 8 pm. I realized I had been sitting there for nearly two hours, ever since I’d gotten in from work.
I let my breath out and willed the next twenty minutes to pass by quickly.
Ω
Ben’s phone went off the minute we stepped through the front door together. It was Lena, with some restaurant-related crisis, so as Ben headed downstairs into the kitchen to continue his conversation, I headed to the bathroom to freshen up and brush my teeth. And then, once I stepped into Ben’s bedroom, the sleep that had evaded me for over 24 hours finally came on and hit me with a vengeance. I pulled my clothes off piece by piece and then climbed under the covers in just my bra and panties, inhaling Ben’s intoxicating scent off his sheets and his pillows. There was no better feeling in the world. Sleep. Peace. Ben.
I was out like a light within two minutes.
Ω
“Gabby…come on, wake up…”
My brain was telling me to comply but my body wasn’t letting me. His gentle nudging and stroking on my back and my shoulders was beginning to get firmer and much less patient.
“I don’t know, man…I’m trying, believe me…I’ll call you back.” Slight pause. “Gabby!” It wasn’t quite a shout, but it was close. “Wake the fuck up.”
And at that my eyes sprung open and I focused in on Ben, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at me. He sucked his teeth. “Thank you.”
I gave him a look. “What’s going on?” Reality began to kick in, like eyes adjusting to light. “And why are you yelling at me?”
“Damn, girl…I don’t know how anyone could sleep through the shit I been puttin’ you through…” Ben sucked his teeth again.
“Sorry…I didn’t know it was such a crime to take a nap around here…” I was still coming to…
Ben smiled slightly. “Well, it is when it’s almost midnight and you locked your brother outta your apartment,” he explained. “I don’t know, I guess he’s been calling you…tracked Tony down…he sent me a message on facebook…so that took a couple hours for me to notice…and here we are. So where the key at?”
Now I was fully awake. “Oh shit.”
Ω
Laz and I were sitting in my mother’s hospital room the next evening attempting to make small talk. Laz had picked up some Chinese food from a restaurant up the street and the three of us seemed to be focusing a lot more on the meal than each other.
The doctors were ready to discharge my mother and I knew Laz had been trying to stall them. A few hours earlier one of the nurses in passing happened to mention to me quietly that she had heard nothing but good things about Pine Hollows and my mother would be in good hands there.
It was painful just watching my mother try to raise the spoon to her mouth. I sat next to her and tried to help her the best I could but she kept insisting I leave her alone. Laz just kept averting his eyes.
“Mama, we have to talk about what’s gonna happen when you leave the hospital,” he said suddenly, staring down into his box of chow mein.
“Well, I’m going home, aren’t I?” she responded simply, without much enthusiasm. “Gabriela found a new apartment.”
I didn’t speak. For some reason I just couldn’t.
Laz took a deep breath. “Well, there’s another option, Mama.”
My mother glanced over at me then, but I just looked away.
Laz stood up then and walked over toward my mother’s bed and pulled the chair up across from me. He handed her the brochure. I held my breath as she stared down at the paper. She stayed silent.
When she finally looked up I saw the disbelief and pain in her eyes. It was more than I could bear.
“What is this?” Her voice was a whisper.
Laz spoke quickly. “Mama, they’ll know how to take care of you there. You won’t be all alone in the house all day without anyone there with you, you can go outside, they can take you for walks…”
The look on my mother’s face had softened but the pain was still there. She turned to me then. “Gabriela?”
I took a deep breath. “Whatever you want, Mama. It’s up to you.”
Laz looked over at me in disbelief. I knew he had expected me to fight him on it, and I knew that he thought if I didn’t fight she would go. She would have gotten her wish. Both her children would have let go. And part of me believed he was right – but another deeper, darker part of me knew different.
I watched as the look of relief washed over my mother’s face in a heartbeat. “Well, then it’s settled. I want to go home.”
Ω
“Gabby…”
I turned around slowly, not that surprised that Laz had followed me down into the hospital cafeteria. “Look…Laz…I can’t do it anymore, I can’t fight about this anymore.”
And I couldn’t. I had no more energy left for any of it. I was so tired. I sank down at one of the tables by the window and stared down into the disgusting cup of coffee I was
forcing myself to drink.
Laz sat down across from me. He nodded slowly. “I know. I…” He paused momentarily and then I saw a look of pure resignation just come over him. “I give up. You win.”
I sighed and shook my head. “It’s not about winning…”
“No, you’re right. But you’re a grown woman, Gabriela - we can’t go back anymore. Maybe if you had known the truth from the beginning, things could have been different, but…I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
Laz was quiet for a moment. “You didn’t see the things I saw, Gabby.” His voice was low. I felt the pain in his words. “You know, when I look at my kids, I can’t help but think about five years, ten years – twenty years down the road…I think about everything I want them to have, to see, to achieve…you just…when you’re a parent, Gabby, you just want better for your kids…”
“Like Mom wanted for you,” I finished for him.
“Yeah, but…” He shook his head. “It’s more than that. As much as I would do anything to give my kids all the opportunities in the world, if I thought for any reason that I was holding them back – if I was keeping them from enjoying and living the best life they possibly could, I would back off so fucking fast, Gabby, you wouldn’t know what hit me.”
“What are you getting at, Laz?” I wanted to know.
He took a deep breath. “What I’m saying is…yes, it’s true, Mom pushed me out…and you could say it’s ‘cause she wanted better for me, and I tried to believe that for so many years, Gab, but the truth is…the more I think about it, I know that she pushed me out because she knew that if she didn’t, one day I would just take you with me.”
I stared back at him in silence.
“She needed to hold onto you, Gabby.”
I shook my head slowly. “It was my choice to stay, Laz. It was. You were right.”
“Your choice? What other choice did you have? You were the only one left. After Uncle Fernando died, who else was there? Teresa? Mama never even left the fucking house, Gabriela…she didn’t work…there was only you.” He watched me for a long moment. “I get why you hate me, Gabby.”
My heart fell. “Laz, I don’t hate you.”
“A part of you does,” he insisted. “The same part of you that wishes you could have traded places with me.”
I averted my eyes. I didn’t want to listen to him anymore.
“So yes, I feel guilty.”
I had never heard my brother talk this way. But when I thought about it, the painful truth was that I barely even knew my brother anymore…
“I feel responsible. I feel ashamed…”
The pain was slowly spreading and I felt it everywhere. But I just couldn’t cry anymore.
“I spent ten years waiting for you to call me and tell me Mama was dead. Some days I didn’t think about it…some days I didn’t think about it at all…sometimes for weeks at a time…but I always knew one day I would get that call…and it terrified me, Gabby.” He paused, and I glanced back up at him. “And not because of Mama because I always knew she wanted to die…”
I shook my head. “No…” I cut him off then, still refusing to believe it.
“Yes.” His eyes were pleading with me. “It terrified me because of what it would do to you. You’re my sister, Gabriela, and I love you.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I had heard those words.
“I just want you to know that no matter what your decision is right now, mine still stands. Whenever you’re ready.”
Chapter Nineteen
I was sitting on the bench outside the back door of The Rock watching Ben’s Escalade pull up into his parking stall. I checked the time on my phone. It was 9:30 am and I should have been at my desk at work but I was taking another early coffee break.
“Stalker…” He teased me, as he made his way over toward me.
I stood up quickly, smiling back at him. “You’re early.”
He stopped right in front of me, just staring me down for a good moment before reaching out and taking my hand, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me. I drew my breath in deeply, inhaling his wonderful smell, feeling myself get warm all over.
“Can I come in?” I said softly, as I let my breath out.
Ben pulled back slowly. “This is gettin’ kinda ridiculous, Gabby…”
I sighed. “What do you mean?”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
“I’m not fucking you in my supply room anymore,” he said simply, staring back at me. “Bending you over for ten minutes and keeping my clothes on ain’t really doin’ it for me.”
“Wow. Okay.” My heart sank. “I just thought since…you know…last night when we were talking…”
My voice trailed off as I remembered our two hour long phone call the night before. I was still aching for him. Every single part of my body was just burning for him. And just from a soft sigh…a little laugh…the way he teased me…the way he talked to me…his mind…his heart…
I was so in love with him I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Last night when we were talking I told you this here is just making it worse,” he clarified.
I let my breath out, confused. “Yeah, but I thought you meant that in a…you know…in a good way.”
He let out a little smile. “Baby, come on…”
My mind was racing. “Well…I’m sure I’ll be able to get a respite worker at least one night a week soon…the waiting list isn’t that long.”
Ben shook his head slowly. “You don’t even look like you’re sleeping.”
“I do,” I lied. “When I’m not on the phone with you,” I added, attempting to give him a reassuring smile.
“I should stop calling you then.”
I shook my head again. “Why are you making this so hard for me?”
But the truth was Ben had tried. On more than one occasion he had said he wanted to come to my apartment but I had refused. It was too soon. I was still adjusting...figuring shit out… But in reality, I was so in over my head with my mother and the horror of what my world had turned into that I was terrified of letting Ben into it. I was petrified that if he saw my life for what it was he wouldn’t want anything more to do with me. And the thought of losing him scared the fuck out of me. He was the best thing that ever happened to me…
“You deserve better than this, Gabby.”
I stared back at him in complete confusion.
“I mean, if the highlight of your day is spending your morning coffee break having a quickie in a fucking closet, I think you need to re-evaluate shit a bit, don’t you think?”
His words stung. “Don’t flatter yourself, Ben.” I moved to step away from him but he reached for my hand then, pulling me back.
He let his breath out, and I saw the frustration on his face then. “I’m sorry…” His tone softened. “This is just hard for me.”
I shook my head. “I never hid anything from you, Ben…I mean, right from the beginning I told you everything – I told you about my mom, and what I had to deal with and live with – and I said to you, why would you want anything to do with someone like me? And you just…”
“Gabby, I’m not running away from you.” He cut me off then. “But you’re not really letting me in so…I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“I love you.” It was out of my mouth before I’d even formulated the thought in my head. I had never said it to him and he had never said it either, and now, suddenly, without warning, it just came hurling out of my mouth, completely uncontrollable, like a bad case of Tourettes… “I…I love you so much, Ben, I’m just so scared that…”
His eyes didn’t move – they were fixed on me, and then, instead of letting me finish my rambling, he just reached out and held my face, pulling me closer and just stopped my words with his mouth. He kissed me so softly…tenderly…and then he slowly pulled away.
He didn’t say
anything right away, but eventually our eyes locked on each other again. “Let me come see you, Gabriela. If you want me to come late, I’ll come late – I don’t really give a shit – I just want to spend the night with you.” His words sounded final. So very serious. “And this is the last time I’m asking you.”
Ω
It had been nearly a month since my mother had been discharged from the hospital. As hard as it had been for my brother, he spent the remaining days before his flight back home helping me get her settled into our new home. He helped us unpack, organize, decorate…and had almost single-handedly cleared out and cleaned up the old apartment, so that within less than a week we were able to start showing it to prospective renters.
It had been worlds more than I had ever expected of him. It was so strange for me to look at my brother the night before his flight – after my mother was in bed, and the two us were just hanging out in my new living room watching a movie, and eating some unbelievably delicious Greek take-out he had picked up for us – and honestly say to myself I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him.
As different as we saw things he was still my brother. And I loved him. Saying goodbye had been harder than I had expected.
My mother, on the other hand, was just up and down. Some days she was her old self again – although quieter and more withdrawn. She would sit and stare out the window for hours and hours…I’d sometimes come home and find the homecare worker lounging in the living room reading magazines or watching Dr. Phil. Then other days, she was a complete nightmare – angry, demanding…refusing to eat, to sleep – not a rational bone in her body. I would come home and the worker on shift would tell me my mother had refused to have herself changed. For the first time in my life I found myself alone with my mother for a 12-hour stretch, as she screamed at me for allowing her to be sitting in a pile of her own refuse, as if the entire situation was a conspiracy that I concocted, organized, and carried out all just in order to humiliate her.
Love Is Overdue Page 28