Love Me, Trust Me

by Barbara Gee

  “Ugh, I know, I know. I keep telling myself every time I come here that this will be the time I give it a try.”

  “Today would be the perfect time, we can teach you and Hank together.”

  “Does Ryan already know how?”

  “He learned as a kid and he’s a natural. The biggest thing for him is not being able to ride enough to keep from getting sore when he finally does. Now that he’s been gone for almost a month, he’ll basically have to start all over getting those riding muscles broken in.”

  “Hmm, in a weird way, I could almost look forward to that part. There are very few things that can make me sore any more. It would be fascinating to figure out if there are muscles used for riding that all of my other workouts and activities haven’t already toned.”

  “Spoken like a true physical therapist.”

  “Seriously, that’s almost enough to make me do it.”

  “Oh you’re going to do it. I’m going to drag you to the stables and shame you into it. You can’t have everyone else mounting up and you standing there quivering in fear of the big bad horsies.”

  Jolene let out a laugh. “You’re ruthless, Libby.”

  “Maybe we can do a picnic. The distance out to the big butte isn’t too far for beginners. We can pack food and ride out there, climb to the top for the picnic, then come back. You and Hank will be pros by then.”

  Jolene groaned. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but okay. I’ll do it. But if I fall off the beast and injure myself, it’s all on you. I will say ‘I told you so’ and you have to swear to never pester me about it again.”

  “You won’t fall. We’ll put you on Herc, he’s the best for first time riders. He’s got a big wide back and he’s slow and lazy, but very responsive to the bridle.”

  ***

  For a little while, Libby felt bad about making Jolene feel she needed to ride. The poor girl was literally trembling as she mounted up, and she was stiff and terrified for the first twenty minutes. Ever so gradually, however, she was able to relax, and by the time they reached the butte, she was starting to get the hang of it.

  Hank, on the other hand, took to Ozzie in no time. He looked like he’d been riding for years by the time they reached the butte. Libby saw the pride in Ryan’s eyes as he lifted his son from the saddle.

  The guys hefted the backpacks that contained their lunch, and they all started up the path to the top of the butte. It was a relatively easy climb, and Hank was overjoyed by the newness of it all. He wished Buzz was along, but the little dog’s legs weren’t long enough to carry him on such a long walk, and he was too squirmy to be carried on horseback. Ryan assured Hank that Buzz would grow quickly, and before long he could go with them when they rode.

  That made Libby wonder how long the two would be staying on the ranch. Part of her hoped they would stay all summer, or even longer, but the sensible part knew the sooner they left, the better. She felt herself getting a little angry at God for putting this man in her path and then basically saying, “This is a test, this is only a test.”

  She decided to find a time to meet with Pastor Keller soon. Kay was great to talk to, but she was enjoying having Ryan and Hank at the ranch so much, and Libby didn’t want her to feel torn. Hopefully she could continue to mask her feelings for Ryan so those around her didn’t feel uncomfortable and awkward.

  As they neared the top of the butte, Libby breathed a prayer. I’m trying here, God, I’m really trying. But if You’re going to give me this test, please also give me the strength to pass it. I have the will, because I know we ultimately can’t be together. I just need continued strength to keep looking at the big picture, to resist the lure of living in the moment like I used to do. Please, Lord, help me to do this right.

  CHAPTER 29

  After the picnic on the butte, Libby went back to her cabin, needing to get some distance. She wished Ryan would suddenly exhibit some horrible flaw, something that would turn her off and keep her from wanting more then she could have. Instead, he just got more and more attractive.

  Determined to not let her feelings for Ryan completely take over her thoughts, Libby decided to head out to the office and get some work done. Taking the entire day off yesterday meant there would be plenty to catch up on. She sent Maddy a text to let her know where she would be, then she set off in the Gator.

  An hour later she had gone through her emails and was deep into designing the promotional pieces she planned to send out to introduce potential donors to the project. As she worked on the brochure, she had the idea of also planning an event to introduce the locals to what they were doing. Many of them had asked questions at the barbecue last night, and Libby decided it would be the neighborly thing to do to host some kind of party right at the construction site so people could see the scope of the project for themselves. Maybe they could host an open house when the main building was under roof and at a point where there could be a walk through. Libby started jotting down ideas and was completely absorbed when the door opened and Tuck walked in.

  “Hey, sis.”

  She pushed back from her desk and checked the clock. She’d been working for three hours, which meant she hadn’t thought much about Ryan for that amount of time. A relatively small victory, but she’d take it.

  “Hey, Tuck. What’s up?”

  “Just thought I’d come check on you. See how you’re doing.” He pulled Maddy’s desk chair around and sat so he was facing Libby.

  “Well I’ve gotten a lot done, but I also potentially increased our workload. What do you think about having a community open house when the main building is at a walk-through point? Everyone is curious about what we’re doing, and I think it would go over well to actually bring them here. Could be great PR for us.”

  He nodded. “Sounds great. Lots of people asked me about it last night.”

  “Me too. That’s what made me think of it.”

  “Let’s talk about that later. I want to know how you’re doing personally,” He narrowed his eyes at her. “I knew you liked Ryan, Maddy told me as much. But I didn’t know how much.”

  Libby sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Is it that obvious? I thought I was doing such a good job of hiding it.”

  “I also didn’t realize he felt the same.”

  “It doesn’t matter how we feel, it’s not going anywhere,” Libby said quickly. “Ryan isn’t a commitment kind of guy, and I’m not going to date someone who doesn’t share my faith. Simple as that.”

  “It’s not simple at all,” Tuck said softly. “I can see how much you’re suffering, sis. I doubt anyone else can see the extent of it, but I know you too well. You’re hurting, and I don’t know what to do about it. And it sucks, because you and Ryan could be great together.”

  Libby drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees. “What would you have done if Maddy hadn’t been a Christian?” she asked curiously.

  He shook his head. “I don’t even want to think about it. We had so many obstacles as it was, I can’t imagine having another one thrown in.”

  “I feel like it’s the most insurmountable obstacle of all. I think I could get Ryan past his fear of commitment, but what’s the use? I can’t compromise on this because the kind of marriage I want to have, and the way I want to raise my kids, all depends on me being with a man who shares my beliefs. And it’s not something you can just snap your fingers and fix. Even if Ryan wanted to be that man, it’s not enough to just start going through the motions. Going to church and praying before meals isn’t enough. He needs to feel it and believe it. And I can’t make that happen.”

  “Ryan hasn’t talked about it, but I think he has a lot of baggage from his time in the Army,” Tuck said.

  “He does. We’ve talked about it.”

  Tuck raised a brow. “You have?”

  “We’ve talked about everything. What he went through, the kind of person I was before I got saved, why I won’t date him. He knows how much I like him, but he’s too good of a p
erson to use that to get me to drop my defenses. He knows I don’t totally trust myself where he’s concerned, so he doesn’t push me.”

  “I knew he was a good guy,” Tuck said. “I’m sorry, sis. It can’t be easy having him here.”

  “No, but this is where he and Hank need to be right now, no question about it. Did you see Hank today on Ozzie? And climbing the butte, and playing with Buzz? My own discomfort is a small price to pay to see him smiling and laughing and running around carefree for the first time since his mom died. I wouldn’t change it for anything. And Kay and Virgil are in love with that boy.”

  Tuck gave a wry smile. “There was a time when I would have never dreamed my little sister had it in her to be so selfless. I’m proud of you, Lib. I hope you know that.”

  “Just pray for me. I want to be strong, but Ryan is—” she shook her head and blinked back tears. “He’s pretty much everything I ever dreamed about in a man. In a way I wish I’d never met him, because no one else will measure up and I don’t know that I’m the type to just settle, you know?”

  Tuck reached out and took her hands. “I’ll pray for both of you,” he promised. “I believe God has plans for Ryan. And I’m not ruling out that those plans include you.”

  “I try to keep my prayers for him separate from my own desires,” Libby said, “otherwise it just seems selfish. But God knows my heart, so it’s not like He doesn’t know what I want.”

  “You’re trying to put what Ryan’s salvation would mean for him personally above what it would mean for the two of you.”

  “Exactly. I want him to experience the life changing peace and joy that I found. That’s the most important thing. Anything else should be secondary, it’s just kinda hard to always keep my own feelings out of it.”

  “How far gone are you?” Tuck asked gently.

  Libby exhaled a shaky breath. “I love him.”

  He nodded. “I thought so.” Tuck stood up and pulled his sister up and into his strong arms. “I’m here for you, baby sister. I’ll do everything I can to help you through this.”

  “Just promise me you won’t try to get Ryan to leave any sooner than he’s ready. I honestly want him to stay as long as he needs to.”

  “Of course you do. When you love someone you put them before yourself. But I hate to see you hurting.”

  “It’s not like I’m totally miserable. Yeah, it hurts to know I can’t have the kind of relationship I want with him, but it also makes me very happy to be near him. He makes me laugh, and he challenges me, and seeing him with Hank makes me just want to burst with joy. They needed each other, and God brought them together. I hope one day Ryan sees that.”

  “I believe he will,” Tuck said. He released her and stepped back. “Promise you’ll tell me if things get to be too hard, okay? We’ll figure something out.”

  “I will. I also decided I’m going to talk to Pastor Keller again. I spoke with him before I went to North Carolina, and he was a huge help.”

  “Good plan. I saw him and Ryan talking for a long time last night. I thought that was interesting.”

  Libby frowned. “I didn’t see them together at all.”

  “It was toward the end of the evening, when you and Joelene were talking to Keith, Walker and Ben.”

  Libby chuckled. “That makes sense. I was trying to ignore Ryan at that point.” She pushed her chair under the desk. “Let’s get out of here. I got some good work done, the rest can wait until Monday.”

  ***

  After dinner they spent the evening together in the back yard, the guys throwing the football and a frisbee with Hank until it was time for him to go to bed. Later, after some card games at the picnic table, Jolene got up and stretched, announcing that she was ready for bed.

  “What time do you guys leave for church?” she asked.

  “Nine-thirty,” Kay said. “We’d be delighted to have you join us, Jolene. You, too, Ryan, if you want to. We have a very laid back service, I’m sure you’d feel comfortable.”

  He gave an exaggerated frown. “Does that still give us time for sticky buns in the morning?”

  Kay laughed. “We always have sticky buns before church. It’s a tradition.”

  “All right. I’ll talk to Hank in the morning and see if he wants to go. I think he’s to the point where he’d be okay in a large group of people, but I’ll let him make the decision.”

  “We have children’s church for ages four through second grade, if he would be interested. I’m helping with that tomorrow, so maybe he’d feel comfortable going if I’m there,” Kay told Ryan as they walked into the house.

  “Sounds good. I’ll see what he says.”

  Libby kept her face expressionless. She didn’t want to show either surprise or hope at the news that Ryan would consider attending church with them. It was likely more about being a good guest and pleasing Kay than any real desire to attend, but even so, having him there would make them all happy.

  Back in her cabin, Libby started to undress, then remembered she had left her laundry over at the big house, including her bed sheets. She sighed and rebuttoned her blouse, heading back over the way she’d come. Once inside, she went straight to the laundry room, regrettably rousing Buzz, who was soon wide awake and begging for attention. Libby chuckled as she took her sheets out of the dryer and added them to the neatly folded clothes already waiting in her laundry basket.

  “You’re a spoiled little guy,” she said, kneeling down to give the wriggling dog a good scratch. She finally gave him a doggie snack and made her escape, closing the door firmly behind her. As she turned around, with the laundry basket weighing her down, she almost ran into someone. Well, not just someone. Ryan. A shirtless Ryan. Holy cow.

  “I thought I heard someone in there talking to the dog,” he said. “At first I thought Hank had snuck down here to play with him.”

  “Just forgot my laundry, and I need the sheets,” Libby said a little breathlessly.

  Ryan held up a bottle of water. “I came down for this. Did you bring a Gator, or are you going to carry that all the way back to the cabin?”

  “I’ll carry it. It’s not that far.”

  “I can’t let you do that. My mom would disown me.”

  “You’re not even wearing shoes,” Libby protested, all too aware that the only thing he was wearing was a pair of lightweight sweatpants.

  “It’s grass the whole way. I’ll be fine.” He easily took the laundry basket out of her hands and headed for the front door.

  Libby closed her eyes for a moment, then followed.

  “The nights are beautiful here,” Ryan said as they walked across the yard. The moon was bright and they had no trouble seeing where they were going.

  “Yep, this time of year at least. Winter, not so much.”

  “You doing okay out in that little cabin? I still feel bad about displacing you.”

  “I like it just fine. Except for the lack of laundry facilities,” Libby said with a chuckle.

  “Hank has sure made himself at home here. Having that puppy helped. And Ozzie. He’s in heaven.”

  “It’s a perfect place for a little boy.”

  “And for a big one. It’s a relief for me to get away from things back east. If I was back there, I wouldn’t be able to resist getting way too involved in the prosecutions of Anthony and his hit man, and it’s better for both Hank and me if that doesn’t happen.”

  “Once a cop, always a cop,” Libby teased.

  “I’m trying to stifle the cop side for the time being, and get back into a construction frame of mind. I think I’ll be able to get there.”

  “I think that’s a healthy goal. A little distance from all that will do you good.”

  They reached the cabin and Libby stepped forward to open the door for him. “You can just put the basket there by the bed,” she told him, switching on the light.

  He walked past her and lowered the basket. Libby cocked her head, catching a glimpse of a tattoo on his right side, over his r
ibs. She couldn’t tell what it was and her curiosity got the best of her, overriding her caution.

  “You have a tattoo,” she said, approaching him. “What is it?”

  “Uh, just a list of dates,” he said with a shrug.

  “You only have one?” she asked. “All that time in the Army and you only have one?”

  “That you can see,” he teased.

  Libby looked up at him, her eyes widening. He laughed and shook his head. “I’m kidding. There’s just the one.”

  Libby smacked his shoulder lightly then grabbed his arm and lifted it away from his side. “What do the dates stand for?” she asked, running her finger across the first one. She felt him stiffen under her touch, but she didn’t step away. All of the dates, ten of them, were written in a script about a quarter of an inch high. She read the first one. “What happened on that day?”

  “I enlisted.”

  “Ah, okay. That’s the starting point then. And this one?” She traced the second date and read it aloud.

  “Got my first promotion. That’s what the next two are as well, I ranked up on those dates.”

  Libby pressed her finger against the next one. “Next?”

  “The day I left active duty and went guard.”

  She moved her finger down one more. “I’m almost afraid to ask,” she said softly, because that date had a three small American flags after it.

  “Yeah. That’s the day my buddies were killed.”

  She looked up at him. “I’m glad you told me about them, Ryan.”

  “Me too. It helped to finally talk about it.”

  Libby ran her fingertip over the three flags, then went to the next date. “This one?”

  “That’s the day I graduated from college, and the next one is grad school.”

  “Two more,” Libby prompted.

  “Getting my first job in law enforcement, at good old Chandler City Police Department.”

  “And this one I already know,” she said, stroking her finger over the last date, its ink newer and darker than the rest. “This is the day you met your son.”