Kimber

by Sarah Denier

  I head down stairs, turn the stereo on, select disc one track one, and dance around the house to Paramore while conquering my list of morning chorus. All the while, I cannot rid myself of this lingering feeling. I keep thinking I’m forgetting something. I shake it off and sing as loud as the speakers do.

  With the house clean and no lost items found, I make a cup of hot tea and step out front for some fresh air. I sit on the white wood painted porch swing and lightly sway back and forth. As I sip my tea, I smile with a feeling of lightness. Like my spirit is not afraid to show its own little smile. It’s amazing what good music and dancing like a fool will do.

  In the yard next to me, Mrs. Johnson, a woman in her forties, waves cordially to me as Muffy, her chocolate toy puddle, piddles by the mailbox. I return the kind jester.

  Across the street, Mr. Woods, known for being a senile man with serious anger issues, pushes a bucket with wheels around his lawn. I assume it’s fertilizer of some sort. I assume because the lawn is literally his pride and joy. If you did not know this little fact, well, there are at least four different signs in the yard all saying the same thing, to stay the heck off it.

  If breeding poodles is Mrs. Johnson’s forte and Mr. Wood’s is grass, I wonder what mine would be. Oddly, I cannot think of one thing I have ever excelled at, unless being an intern counts. I’m in mid thought when unexpectedly Luke’s car pulls into the driveway.

  “Braving the outdoors today?” He says smiling as he walks up the sidewalk.

  It is the kind of smile certain guys can do so perfectly. I remember that same loaded smile the first time I met him in eighth grade. It is as inviting to me now as it was back then. In fact, that same smile attracted me to Luke a few years back.

  I came to know Luke through Tommy, more of an off again than on again ex-boyfriend to my good friend Tiffany. Our personalities meshed right away and the rest is history. Even with my slight attraction to Luke, whatever opportunity there was for us to explore a possible relationship had gone unseen. Now Luke is one of my closest and most trusted friends.

  “I’m people watchin’.”

  “How exciting!” He jokes before sitting beside me.

  “If everyone has a forte, what do you think ours is?”

  Luke takes a minute to think. “I don’t think we have one. I mean it’s still early in the game. It takes time to master a craft. It’s not like over night or anythin’. Why?”

  “I don’t know, stupid question.” I smile sheepishly. “So what brings ya to my neck of the woods?”

  “I’ve come to rescue you fair maiden and take you to thy Pier.” Luke laughs not sure himself of what he has just said. I smile back and accept Luke’s invitation to the Pier. After a quick change, we head out.

  It’s unbelievably refreshing to be in Luke’s car and out from the cold, lonely and restricting walls of my house. Through the car window Florida’s warm sun shines upon my face, the wind frolics through my hair. The closer to the Pier we get the more pronounced the salty ocean air becomes.

  When we arrive at the Pier in downtown St. Pete, we head right for the viewing deck on the top floor. The scenic view of Saint Petersburg surrounded by miles and miles of ocean is beautiful. The twin peaks of the Skyway Bridge stand visible in the distance. I look out over the edge of the deck trying to take in the view of the vast open ocean. I have been to the Pier a dozen times before but the way the sun sparkles and dances off the top of small waves never gets old. I cannot help but feel small in comparison to the miles of open water before me.

  “Want a closer look?” Luke asks pointing to the viewfinder as he slips a quarter in.

  “I think it’s broken.” I say trying to focus the lens but it’s no use.

  “Figures.” Luke says annoyed. “Come on; let’s get some ice cream.”

  “Yum!” I exclaim.

  Ten minutes later, I find myself in a red plastic booth eating birthday cake flavored ice cream. It tastes like a scoop of Heaven. It is so good that I have to restrain myself from licking the bowl clean.

  “Geez, you killed that.” Luke laughs.

  “Don’t come between me and my ice cream.” I smile.

  Luke smirks while putting his spoon down. “Listen, there’s somethin’ I was hopin’ to talk to you about.”

  “Ok, shoot.”

  “I know a lot of people think of me as some playboy or bad guy when it comes to datin’.”

  “Like who.” I ask spooning the corner of my bowl for ice cream residue.

  “Just people, you know ‘cause I dated a lot in high school.”

  “I don’t know who told you that but trust me, girls didn’t care who you were dating as long as they were next in line.”

  “Careful, my ego has a mind of its own.” Luke quips.

  “I’m serious.” I laugh. “Some girl even threatened me in the bathroom one time ‘cause she thought we were dating.”

  “Why didn’t we?” He smiles coyly as I look up at him.

  I set my depleted bowl down gently. “I think we became too good of friends.” I feel the heat in my flushed face.

  “What if I don’t want to be friends? What if I want somethin’ stronger, somethin’ different?”

  As I sit across the table from Luke, a visible change occurs. Every boyish quality about him matures before me leaving a handsome man with soft eyes and a seductive smile sitting across from me. I blink twice trying to find the familiar version of Luke but he isn’t’ there.

  “Luke, I…I value our friendship. I can’t take a risk with that.”

  “Just hear me out. This friendship is just as important to me. But look at me and tell me you haven’t felt the attraction, the pull. I care for you in more than a friend type of way. We get each other. We click. And I know you got a lot on your plate right now but you don’t have to be alone. I’m not sayin’ I want to fill any gaps or anythin’ but I want be someone special in your life.”

  “You are.”

  He takes a deep breath and for a moment looks away. “I want you Kimber. I want you to be my first, hopefully last, real adult relationship. I can take care of you, I want to.”

  I do not know how to feel other than completely flattered and a little taken aback. I mean there hasn’t ever been so much as a hand touch, a loving word, or an accidental kiss between us that I remember. But it’s not like it could never be possible. It’s clear the way Luke feels even though the timing sucks.

  “How long have you felt this way?”

  “Since I met you I knew you were special, I just couldn’t pin point how. I know you don’t know it, but you’ve changed me in a lot of ways.”

  I find myself questioning this change in Luke. What would it really mean if we advanced our friendship and what if it turned out to be a mistake? Unlike Luke, I didn’t have a train of companions coming and going from my life in high school.

  I look around me not focusing on anything, just searching for the right words but come up empty. Normally people just flow from friends into a relationship. Luke and I are so far past that point. We know everything about each other. I do not know if I can proclaim any strong feelings just now. However, I can’t deny that eighth grade crush still lingers.

  As I think of how I do care for Luke, how I feel safe and happy when we are together, a nagging feeling surfaces inside me. I can’t put my finger on what it is but it feels like a warning telling me something is not right. I rub my stomach, suspecting the ice cream as the culprit.

  Impatiently Luke shifts. He drums the tips of his fingers against the palm of his hand.

  This will be the first brick in my rebuilding, I tell myself. I take a deep breath and with a lone promise, I’m ready to control this change in my life.

  “Ok, let’s try this.”

  At first Luke appears confused but quickly he catches on.

  “Maybe I’m just…I don’t know…I just want to make sure you don’t feel like just ‘cause I’m sittin’ here you feel obligated or anything.” Luke sputters.
His nervousness is cute.

  “No of course not. I’m ready; I need to do something with my life. I need to pick a direction and just go.”

  “That’s good but, I don’t want this to be a pass time between locations, you know? I’m serious Kimber, ‘bout us.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I’m just stuck in this horrible rut, I’m alone and I seem to be my worst enemy. Now I don’t have to be. With you it’s like a whole new direction with new possibilities.”

  Luke smiles, “Ok, but just to make things official,” he takes my hands in his, “Kimber, will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”

  Such an innocent word stirs a dislike within me but I still answer, “Yes.”

  With a saucy look Luke motions for us both to stand. As soon as I’m out of the plastic red booth he pulls me into his arms. I cannot help but think how I am no longer hugging a friend but quite possibly my new permanent boyfriend. It feels nice and the thought actually makes me feel happy.

  The only problem is once again I feel like there is something missing. I’m sick of feeling like there’s something I’m forgetting. Tired of its pull for an object or memory I cannot produce. I hate how the tighter Luke holds me the more aggressive it feels. I struggle within myself to retain some kind of control. I will not let my happiness be hindered with nothingness.

  “Kimber.”

  As I look up to give Luke my lost attention, he leans down into me. His lips are soft but firm against mine. At first I don’t know what to do. I can’t even calculate the last time I had a boy kiss me but this is it, our first kiss. You only get one, so as Luke’s hand finds its way up my back and into my hair, I encircle him in my arms and give it all I have. Every sense in my body is alert. Every movement his tongue makes mine mimics. After so long I slightly pull away needing a full gulp of air. Luke’s blue eyes pear into mine with such happiness.

  “My word!” A single older woman says as she walks by holding her ice cream.

  “Ah, she’s just mad I’m all yours now.” Luke says kissing the top of my head.

  I laugh and as I turn to look over Luke’s shoulder at the woman, it catches my eyes. My heart sinks. It is distorted and blurred. Knowing all too well what it is, I try to focus my eyes. This can’t be, I assure myself. I ease Luke’s hands out from behind my neck and start walking toward the double doors that lead to outside.

  “Kimber, what is it?”

  “I don’t know. I just need to check something.” I push the doors open.

  Instantly I am blinded by the brightness of the sun. I cuff my hands over my eyes. By the railing the figure stands. Looking, taunting me over to where it is. I take a shaky step forward.

  “Kimber, let’s go back inside.”

  “Don’t you see it?”

  “What am I looking for?”

  “That, there.”

  “Kimber.” Luke calls but I’m too focused to listen.

  I get within forty or so feet of the figure before I feel the warnings. It’s like I’m being pushed against without any real physical force. I take another step forward. Suddenly the figure flickers in and out. I stop and the onset of piercing pain enters my head. I can feel Luke grabbing at me but I cannot move on my own. I feel the figure’s presence as though it is within me. I hear its incoherent whispers and feel the way its words soothe the pain and accelerate my heartbeat. I look up to find the figure’s form already evaporating. A crowd of picture taking tourists block my last look before it is gone. And just like that something inside me cracks.

  Chapter Five

  I CAN’T MAKE sense of what has happened. I cannot deny the way it felt to have whoever or whatever it was within me. It felt familiar, like, home. Whether or not my dam of sanity has sprung a leak, I need to see the figure again. In my own personal darkness this figure of a person feels like a lifeline.

  Utter embarrassment has me choking back tears as I realize several people are gawking at me half laying on the ground. Even Luke looks at me with cautioned eyes. I find the courage to stand and brush myself off.

  “Forgot my meds?” I try to laugh it off in a dry attempt but instead I know I look extremely lame.

  “Let’s get outta here.” Luke says caressing my back with his hand. It makes me feel like a child being soothed.

  “Yeah.” I walk ahead, far to mortified to look him in the eye.

  After an uncomfortable and awkward ride in the elevator, we reach the ground floor. Luke hands over his valet ticket and as we stand beside each other, I know I have to make this better. This afternoon was obviously important to Luke and our newfound relationship and my little episode ruined it

  “I know you must have a million questions right now but I don’t have an answer. I can’t explain what happened up there.” I could be slightly crazy. “I’m just really stressed and I’m sorry for ruining today.”

  “You really freaked me out Kimber. First, you say you’re seeing somethin’ then you’re on the ground and mutterin’ somethin’ ‘bout a choice and how you’re leavin’. What the hell happened?”

  “No. Wait. What?” I distinctly remember it being the figure who spoke to me.

  “I don’t know, you could’ve said anythin’ right then, I just know you were in a reverie or somethin’.”

  Is it possible to be possessed and while in the act of possession feel as though you are you and not acting as someone or something else? Or think you’re in reality when really you’re not? I wish I had paid more attention to Robin when she babbled on for weeks about her old haunted house and possessed dog. I know she’d have answers.

  “I’m really sorry Luke. I think I’m just over tired and stressed.” It is not exactly a lie.

  “Look, just don’t think you can’t talk to me. I know everything is still a little rough for you. And don’t worry, if you feel like you need to talk to someone, a shrink or somethin’, no ones gonna judge you.”

  “Thanks Luke. But I think with some rest I’ll be ok. I don’t need a shrink.”

  “Well, since you’ve only been mine for about ten minutes and I’d like to keep you in one piece, let’s get you home.”

  “Yeah, I definitely can’t show my face around here again. I feel awful for ruining things. If you want we could go someplace else where I could make a complete fool of myself. Maybe I’ll even flop around like a dead fish this time.” Thankfully, Luke laughs with me.

  “We could slap some clown makeup on ya, then you’ll have a whole act.”

  “I could have a little hat and ask for sympathy tips.” We both laugh.

  “Ok, well before you go puttin’ your one woman show on the road, let’s focus on gettin’ you rested.”

  “I really am sorry, so you know.”

  “Stop. I haven’t been this happy since fifth grade when my mom got me a sweet lime green Huffy for graduation.”

  “Really?” I ask facetiously.

  “I popped my first wheelie on that bike. I was on that thing riden’ the hell out of it every day. So trust me, being compared to the Huffy is a good thing.”

  Looking up at Luke I try to mimic his gleaming smile. I can’t help but feel as though I have already fallen from the pedestal he has placed me on.

  “Come here.” He says pulling me into his chest. He lowers his head down to mine as I raise my chin up to him. His kiss is slow and meticulous. As his lips urge mine to part my heart races. You can tell a lot about a man from the way he kisses. Luke’s kiss tells me how caring, vibrant and passionate he really is.

  Having forgotten where we are, the sound of an agitated valet clearing his throat pulls us from euphoria. Embarrassed I try to laugh it off and smile sweetly as the valet holds the passenger side door open for me.

  I plop down on the couch and stare up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and try envisioning what I saw earlier today at the Pier. I breathe deep, calming my mind. I replay the vision of the shadow man repeatedly in my head. I try to remember the muffled words he whispered hoping it might trigger something
. I lay still for what seems like hours drifting in and out of a light sleep.

  Not willing to waste anymore of my day I give up and trade the couch for the pool. I change into a white bikini, grab a towel, my phone, and head into the backyard. It feels like sixty-two outside but the pool is a warm eighty-five. I take a few laps before a little ultimate relaxation in the jacuzzi.

  About twenty minutes later my muscles feel like warm taffy. The rumble coming from my stomach reminds me that I need to eat. Since my kitchen skills are limited, I whip up a grilled cheese and turkey bacon sandwich. Not long after I’m nicely full and relaxed the phone rings.

  “Hola chica!” Amber exclaims. She tells me Tommy’s parents are out of town and a chilled get together is happening later tonight at his place. I assure her that I will take any reason to get out of the house.

  “Ok, so are you sitting down?”

  “No, but I can be. Why what’s up?”

  Leaving out my little mental mishap, I fill Amber in on my new relationship news after which Amber demands a verbatim play by play. An hour later Luke beeps in on my other line. Understandably, Amber lets me go.

  “Hey Luke!”

  “Hey. How ya feelin’?”.

  “Better. I took a little nap, relaxed for awhile, ate and now I’m just sitten’ here.”

  “Nice. So listen, Tommy told me he’s havin’ some people over tonight. If you feel up to it, you wanna go?”

  It comes as no surprised that Luke spoke to Tommy. The two of them are as close as Amber and I. I just hope that, like me, he kept my little episode at the Pier out of their conversation.

  “Yeah Amber told me about it. I said I’d go.”

  “You tell her anythin’ else?”

  “I could have. Did you have anything to tell Tommy?” I smile at the phone.

  Luke laughs. “You know how Tommy is.”

  “Cynical when it comes to relationships?”

  “Be easy on the kid. He’s not as hard as he acts.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I thought we were cool but after this last breakup with Tiff, he’s been particularly jerky.”