He could not take it anymore. He pulled her head away from him and she looked confused and hurt. “Nay, my love, I only want to share with you. You give me more pleasure than I have ever known.”
Waleran pulled her legs around him until she straddled him again. He pressed deep into the hot wetness of her and felt the tightening of her sheath as he lightly pulsed upward. She immediately began to rock with him, her hips rolling as if she were riding a horse. He did not think he could last much longer, but he had to wait for her. She was now first in his life for everything.
He pulled her down to him and kissed her sweet, taut mouth that had brought him so much pleasure. Still they rocked together, their hips moving in time and perfect harmony. Waleran rolled over on top of her, locking her knees around his waist. He smiled at her as he thrust deeply once, twice into her.
Her eyes widened, but there was a smile there, too, a hunger that asked him to give more of himself than he ever dared to give to anyone. Clasping her close, he thrust into her with long, smooth strokes, controlling himself from a quick finish that would leave her empty. Slowly, slowly, he watched her. Her eyes dilated and her blush rose up from her breasts to give her face and shoulders a rose-like tint that made her more brilliant than she had been before.
When she was nearing, when her noises let him know that she was ready, he increased his pace, kissing her lips her face, pounding into her. Her legs flexed on his pulling him deeper and deeper with every thrust. Her body arched up, her head pressed back and she loosed a low moan from deep in her throat.
In that moment, he knew it was time to have her as he wanted her. He swiftly stroked hard into her two, three times and then he was soaring with her. Pulling out of her be damned! He clenched his teeth, his hands fisting in the bed sheets as the feelings rolled over him. The release with her banished all memory, thought, and anxiety from his mind. They were a man and a woman dancing a dance older than time with nothing between them but love.
All night there was nothing but love, but Waleran feared the morning. He did not know what would become of the children he would have with this woman, but somehow he knew that she would love them. She would make them handle this curse with love and understanding. In the morning, he would tell her, and she would help him on the road to handling his own fears. She would heal him.
The morning dawned cold and clear. Winter was coming soon, and Avelina snuggled closer to Waleran. She knew that somewhere deep inside he was hiding a secret. She needed to know what it was, and he needed to tell her.
She did not lie when she said she loved him. She cared for his well-being, wanted nothing more than to soothe that wild terror he rode but most of all, she felt at peace when she was around him, even when he was not at peace himself. Making love with him was the most peaceful of all. To be held in this man’s arms and taken to the heights of passion was one of the most fulfilling experiences of her life.
Waleran was awake. She could feel his breathing change from the relaxed breath of sleep to the stuttering breaths of wakefulness. Her arm was wrapped around his waist, her leg slung over his hip. She softly pressed a kiss to the back of his neck.
“Waleran, are you awake?”
“Aye.”
They were silent together for long moments, easy, companionable. She broke the silence after long beats.
“Are you well?”
She felt his muscles stiffen. “Aye … and nay.”
Waleran turned in the bed and pulled away from her. He sat up. “I need to tell you about my nightmares.” She nodded and he continued. “I remember when I was but a babe in arms. I would see terrible things. People with their arms hacked off, their heads removed from their bodies.”
“Those sound like horrible dreams.”
“Aye, but I saw these visions with my waking eye. They would start for the most part when I was asleep, but when I awoke, the visions would still be there.”
Avelina could not believe what she was hearing. “You still see these visions.”
Waleran squeezed his eyes shut. “Aye. They are the souls of the dead. They implore me to find their loved ones and tell them messages. I ignore them. I can’t stand them. They torment me, Avelina. I don’t sleep. I live my life in fear of these things.” He opened his eyes and looked at her. “Please understand.”
“You must see a priest to exorcize these demons from you!”
His mouth twisted. “I saw a priest after my father beat me for lying. He told me never to speak of these visions again or I would be burnt as a warlock.” He shook his head. “I was punished, but I swear I see the visions. They are the spirits of the dead!”
“You are mad!” She began to back away from him, pulling the bed sheets with her.
“Nay, they are true visions. I have listened to some of the messages. I have followed through on what the visions have told me. They are true. I am not mad. I have my full faculties, and I know that I am not crazy. I only feel as though I am!”
“You need a priest.”
“There is no help from a priest.”
She had nothing more to say. She could not look at him. She had been taught that people who saw visions were evil, possessed people who not only deserved punishment, but needed it. It was a sin and a sign of the devil.
Waleran sighed. “You don’t believe me.”
“Nay, I believe that you are telling the truth. I have seen you in one of your … fits.” She had backed away to the door with the bed sheet still wrapped around her.
“You see now why I could not father a child. I did not want it to be cursed like me. I—I have always wanted you, but I have been afraid for so long that I would father a child. These past few days … well, I was not able to help myself.”
Avelina’s heart was racing. She could be carrying a possessed child in her body even now. “Well, you should have!”
“You were as willing as I.”
“But I didn’t know then what you are!”
Waleran squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his chin to his chest. “What I am.”
“Yes, what you are. You are mad!”
He looked up at her, his eyes dark. “For some reason, I hoped that you would understand. I am not mad.”
“You speak of visions. What would you call yourself?”
“I am cursed, Avelina. I did not ask for this, but I know what they are and what I am.” He smiled ruefully. “I will be going to see Stephen soon. The king has need of as many loyal men as he can get. I will not come back to you … unless by a miracle you ask me to.”
She felt inside herself the need and want for him, but she could not be with a man as anathema as this one. It was against everything she had ever been taught.
Avelina opened the door. “Good luck to you, Waleran, and I hope you find succor for what ails you.”
Without another backward glance, she walked through the door and closed it on Waleran forever.
Chapter 6
Waleran was gone. Mere hours ago, he had ridden out of the castle, never to return to her. It hurt her more than she wanted to admit. She missed him already.
The church was not something she could ignore. There were very specific rules regarding heresy, witchcraft, and demonic possession. Only those who fraternized with such things – or were innocent victims – had visions of the type that Waleran spoke of. Either he was mad or possessed, neither of which was an acceptable choice.
But she did miss him. She missed talking to him, making love to him, and the peace that his presence brought. She loved him still, but she was worried for her immortal soul and that of any children she may have. They could be excommunicated, buried on unconsecrated ground, and forever denied access into paradise. It was just too much to consider – a horrible, hellish fate – even if love was involved.
So, she sat in her upper chamber by the window and focused on mending one of Waleran’s shirts. She did not know why. She would never see him again, but it brought him closer. It did not bring her comfort, but it did bring hi
m near.
There was a soft knock at the door, and she knew who it was without asking. “You may enter, Maud.”
Maud opened the door and peered around it at her. “My lady, how do you fare?”
She accidentally stabbed herself with her needle and let out a startled murmur. She put her finger in her mouth to stop the bleeding, but tears came to her eyes. Many times she had stuck herself, but now tears flowed down her face, her body unable to suppress the wracking sobs that threatened to overwhelm her ability to speak.
Maud came to her quickly. “Why, oh, why did you let him leave again?” Avelina cried harder. “It was obvious to all who could see how fond you were of each other.”
“I couldn’t. I just – I can’t.”
“Why not? Is he cruel? He is handsome and kind. He is taken with you. Why do you push him from you when many women would gladly be in your position?”
Avelina stanched the flow of blood from her finger by using a scrap of old cloth. She wrapped the cloth around her finger. “It is hard to understand.”
“It is about the nightmares.”
Tears welled up in Avelina’s eyes again. “Aye.”
“A nightmare is a minor problem. He doesn’t beat you. He is well groomed.” She threw up her hands. “I just don’t understand.”
“He’s possessed by the devil, Maud. That or he is plain mad, I know not the difference. He claims to see visions of the dead and he insists that they are real.”
Maud looked uncomfortable. “Perhaps his dreams are very intense.”
“Nay, he sees them with his waking eye. He hates them, that much I can tell, and he is tormented. I wish I could help him, but he refuses to see a priest.”
“They would punish him and discredit him. Your family could even ask for an annulment based on lack of mental fitness.”
Avelina felt like crying again, but held back her tears. “I do not want to be far from him. I want to be near.”
“Are you afraid of him or his visions?”
She thought about it and replied slowly. “Nay. He seems to be in control of himself. He just seems afraid.”
“I do not know much of madness, my lady, but there are a few gentlemen in the village that are raving. A madman is not apologetic for his ravings. He is often not scared of them, but absolutely believes in the truth of what he sees.”
“So does Waleran.”
“But he does not revel in them. He does not broadcast them. If he had not told you, you would not have known anything about his suffering.”
“Then he must be possessed.”
Maud frowned. “A possessed man would not have the kindness that Waleran possesses.” She paused. “My lady, what if he is telling the truth?”
“What truth would that be?” Avelina asked, taken aback.
“That he truly sees visions of dead people. Some people are gifted by God with the ability to do things that others can’t. Some can wield a sword or a needle, some can carve beautiful benches and some can bake meat pies. Perhaps this is a gift, not a curse.”
“How can that be?”
“Well, if he knows they are dead, he could help the people who are sad. He could deliver the messages if he could stop being so afraid.” Maud grabbed her hand. “He revealed something to you that was very secret and very hard for him to admit. He feared your rejection, but I think he was hoping that you would understand. I think he wants to be healed.”
Tears streamed down Avelina’s face, but she did not weep. “I could help him.”
“Aye, if you can get past your own fear. After all, what could it hurt you?”
“My soul … the souls of my children …”
The maid shook her head. “Sometimes the church does not have all of the answers. They burned an old woman in the village for witchcraft, but she was just old and had lost her wits. Possession, witchcraft, and the like are not so easy to understand. I don’t doubt they exist, but sometimes I wonder if too many people are condemned without understanding.”
“How can I understand something like this?”
Maud rose. “It is for you to decide. If you love someone truly, then you love them for their good qualities and for their trying qualities. This man needs someone who can see him for all he is and love him anyway. He was hoping you were the one, I think. The question is now: are you?”
Maud squeezed her hand and left the room with only her words to comfort Avelina. But they did not comfort her. They only haunted her.
She did love him. She did want to heal him.
Most of all, she wanted to be the one to accept him as Maud said. He was suffering, she was sure of it, and she had only made it worse. She never intended to hurt him as she did, but her fear propagated by long years of church doctrine took over.
Love was what mattered. Unconditionally. For all that he was, good and bad.
Avelina set down her mending, went to the door, and called for her horse to be saddled and an escort to prepare to follow the company. With any luck, she would catch him within a few hours.
And then she would truly love him.
Waleran set up camp with his retinue after a day’s easy ride. He was in no hurry to get to Stephen, though the weather was a factor. His men knew to leave him alone. He was in no mood to talk.
His father had threatened to disown him as he left the castle, but Waleran could not even muster the ability to care about it. He would find a way to protect his sisters. He would rather not have an heir anyway. He would not wish this feeling on anyone in the world.
His tent was set up by his squire a little away from the camp as requested. Waleran opened the flap and settled down on his pallet, grateful for the silence and privacy. The visions would come soon, he knew, and it spooked his men to hear his screaming.
In all of his life, if he had to bet, he would have bet that Avelina would understand.
But she turned out to be like all the rest, finding him possessed of the devil and something to be reviled. She didn’t understand and that hurt worst of all. He would not go back to her. He could not face her now that she knew and thought him a mad man. If she wanted an annulment, he would grant it. If she didn’t, he did not care. He would not want to marry another anyway.
Waleran must have dozed off. The old nun was standing before him, and she was smiling. He did not fear her the way he feared the others. She spread her arms to him and declared, “God provides.”
The sounds of horses’ hooves came to him through the thin wall of his tent. He opened his eyes, the lowering sun lighting up the chamber with brilliant reds and golds. No other visions appeared to him.
A man at arms ducked into the tent. “Sir, your lady wife is here with a small retinue. Should I let her come in to see you?”
Waleran sat up, scarce understanding the man’s words. “Aye, if she is here, send her to me.”
His heart beat rapidly in his chest. He stood up and paced the room, his hands covered in a sheen of sweat. He swallowed rapidly a few times, trying to keep his tears from spilling down his cheeks. Why did she follow? Dare he be foolish enough to hope?
It seemed like an eternity, but he finally saw her small, white hand pull back the flap to his tent. She entered into the tiny space and suffocated him with her presence.
They stared at each other, neither moving, nor breathing.
She was the first to speak. “Waleran, I …”
He took two steps and was in front of her. He placed his finger on her lips and whispered, “Do you love me?”
Tears streamed down her face. “Aye, I do.”
Relief flooded him, and he suddenly felt light enough to fly away. “And you know what haunts me?”
She took his hands in hers. “I know what haunts you. I don’t know what it is, but I know that I will be there to soothe you when the visions are the worst. I know that I love you, all of you, visions or no. I cannot cut you up into pieces and only love the parts of you that please me. I will be your partner, wholly, and we will face this together.
”
Waleran crushed her to him and kissed her as hard as he could. He pulled back from her, breathless with his exertion, and said, “I love you, too. I had hoped that I could tell you and that you could love me.”
“I was scared at first.”
He stroked her cheek. “I know. I am scared, too.”
“We can face it together.”
And they held each other close all through the night, and when the visions came, they stood together. He was not as scared now that he wasn’t alone, and she was not alone now that they were together.
Epilogue
Avelina held Isabel close to her chest while she chased after Wally.
“Come here this instant, Waleran, or I will tell your father not to take you hawking!”
That stopped the child cold and he looked at her with large, brown eyes. “Nay, I want to go ahawking.”
“Then stop.”
“But the man said that I could play with him. He’s very old, but he runs so fast. Like this!” Wally took off at a shot, and Avelina let him go.
She hitched the smaller one up on her hip and continued to follow her son at a more sedate pace. When Wally was born, she worried every day if he would have the visions Waleran had. It was when he was old enough for small words that she found that he did.
With Wally, though, he didn’t seem afraid. When he would speak of the people that he saw, she encouraged him, asked him what they looked like, and was sure he was not afraid. It was difficult to allow her child to experience something that for so long she had been against, but she loved her son and he was more important than any religious idea.
She crossed herself as she thought that. May God forgive them all for dealing with their lives in the best way they knew how.
Waleran – the elder – could finally sleep through the night now. Once he and Avelina faced down the visions together, their intensity stopped. Many times they had delivered messages to the living. This also seemed to stop the violence of the visions. Those that they contacted seemed grateful rather than scared. It seemed a little of the old superstitions still existed side by side with the Church. Although they were careful who they gave messages to.
Lynda Marie Vanderhoff Page 4