The Dead and the Gone

by Susan Beth Pfeffer

  "I'd like you to hear my confession," Alex said.

  Father Mulrooney's eyebrows did a high jump. "Mr. Morales, it's been many years since I've heard confessions," he said. "Surely you can confess to the priest at St. Margaret's."

  Alex shook his head. "He'd be too easy," he said.

  "One of the other priests here?" Father Mulrooney suggested.

  "No, Father," Alex said, politely but firmly.

  Father Mulrooney paused. "Very well, then," he said. "I suppose this office has been used as a confessional before."

  "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," Alex said. "It's been five months since my last confession."

  Father Mulrooney nodded.

  "I pushed an old man to the ground," Alex said. "I stepped on him and I probably broke all his fingers. And I didn't save a baby from being trampled. They may both have been killed, for all I know."

  "Did you choose not to save the baby?" Father Mulrooney asked. "Did you push the old man to the ground willingly and with malice?"

  "There was a riot," Alex said. "I wasn't thinking. If I saved the baby, I might have lost my sister. If I hadn't pushed the old man, I definitely would have. I guess I did it willingly, but I don't know if there was malice. But that's not my only sin, not by a long shot. I steal from the dead. I take everything I can and barter it for food. I made my sister do it, too. I don't even care anymore if they're dead or alive, just as long as I can get food for us. And I don't just do it for my sisters. I eat my share."

  "Are you angry at God?" Father Mulrooney asked.

  "No," Alex replied. "I almost wish I was. It's like with my parents and my brother. They're all gone. Carlos is probably alive, but I don't even know that for sure. Sometimes when I think about them, the pain and the anger are so strong that I can't bear it. So I turn the feelings off. I just stop feeling. And that's what's happening with me and God. I used to pray and mean the words, but now they're just words. Because if I let myself feel the pain and the anger, I think it might kill me. Or I might kill someone else. I know it's wrong to feel that way about God and I know it's wrong to not feel anything. I hate it. I don't hate God. I hate not loving Him."

  "I think it would take a saint to love God under the circumstances," Father Mulrooney said. "And in the forty years I taught at Vincent de Paul, I never once came across a seventeen-year-old saint. If you're guilty of anything, Mr. Morales, it's the sin of pride. Your sufferings are no worse than anyone else's and your guilt is certainly no greater. You're a young man who has set very high goals for himself and has worked hard all his life to achieve those goals. I appreciate that. I wish I had had more students like you. But now your goal must be to stay alive, to keep your sisters alive. Christ understands suffering. His heart is filled with love for you. He asks only that your suffering bring you closer in understanding to His. If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence. There now. Have I been too easy?"

  Alex wiped away tears. "I don't know," he said, trying to smile. "What's my penance?"

  "Go to chapel and pray for humility," Father Mulrooney said. "Pray that you may accept the fact you're only seventeen and cannot understand all that is happening. Offer Christ your gratitude that you and your sisters have lived to see this day. But you must mean the words. God will know it if you don't. He can forgive anger, but He has no love for hypocrisy."

  "Yes, Father," Alex said.

  "And do something that will make your sisters happy," Father Mulrooney said. "Their joy will be a true gift to God and His gift to you."

  Alex nodded. He made his act of contrition and listened as Father Mulrooney gave his sacramental absolution.

  There were two boys in chapel silently praying when he got there. Alex genuflected at the cross, then knelt in one of the pews. Forgive me for the sin of pride, he prayed. Forgive me for ever thinking I can do what I must alone, without Your guidance and Your love.

  Tuesday, September 20

  "Julie, could you go into Mami's room and redo the list of everything that's there?" Alex asked after school. "The blankets, the coats, the batteries. Make one list for blankets, one for clothing, and one for everything else. Don't leave anything out."

  "Why can't Bri do that when we're in school?" Julie asked.

  "Because I asked you to," Alex said. "Now, please."

  Julie scowled, but she carried her notebook and pen into Mami's bedroom. Alex gestured to Bri to join him in the kitchen.

  "Julie's birthday's coming," he whispered. "How about a surprise party for her?"

  "Can we do that?" Bri asked. "A real party? Should we?"

  Alex grinned. "We can and we should," he said. "But I can't do it on my own. I know you got cheated out of a birthday party, so I hope you don't mind making one for Julie."

  "I'd love to," Bri said. "Oh, Alex! A real party. Can we have boys?"

  "Would Julie like that?" Alex asked.

  Bri rolled her eyes.

  "I'll find the boys, then," Alex said. "Just tell me what you think I should do, and I'll do what I can to make it happen."

  Friday, September 30

  "Come on," Alex said to Julie. "Let's get going."

  "But it's my birthday," Julie whined. "I don't want to have to go to church on my birthday."

  "Julie," Alex said. "You know Mami always went to St. Margaret's on all our birthdays to say a special thank-you to Jesus and Mary. We need to light a candle for her and Papi and Carlos. Stop dawdling."

  "Is Bri going?" Julie asked.

  Briana shook her head. "I'll stay home and prepare a special birthday dinner for you," she replied. "It isn't every day a girl becomes a teenager."

  "We'll be back in an hour or so," Alex said. "Come on, Julie. Scarf and gloves."

  Julie sighed. "I never had to wear a scarf and gloves on my birthday before." But she put them on and followed Alex out of the apartment, onto the street.

  The two of them walked silently the few blocks to the church, Julie in full sulk mode and Alex with his mind elsewhere. They walked in, took off their gloves, dipped their fingers in the holy water, made the sign of the cross, genuflected to the crucifix, then found a pew and knelt in prayer.

  He glanced at Julie, now thirteen. She was still a child, but in some ways she seemed older than Briana. He doubted she'd kept the simple faith that Bri had managed in spite of everything. Julie was always angrier, always less content, and nothing over the past few months had changed that. It was unfair of him to compare his sisters, he knew, and it was especially unfair of him to expect the horrors they were now enduring to make Julie a sweeter, gentler person. Especially since she hadn't been a sweet, gentle person to begin with.

  Alex grinned. He wouldn't want to live with two Julies, but it was just as well there was one of them sharing the miseries. He tapped her gently on her shoulder, and gestured for them to get up. They walked to the candles, so few now, and lit one. Alex prayed for all those who were gone, and his prayers were heartfelt.

  As they walked back to the apartment, Alex thought of all the things he should be saying to Julie. Lessons about being a woman, lectures on doing well in school and making Mami and Papi proud. But none of the words wanted to come out, and he allowed himself to remain silent.

  "Are there more bodies than there used to be?" Julie asked as they reached West End Avenue. "Even more than last week, I mean."

  "I don't think more people are dying," Alex replied, saddened that even on his sister's birthday, death intruded. "I just think they're picking up the bodies less often."

  "That's not good," Julie said. "More rats. I hate the rats."

  "Don't think of them today," Alex said. "It's your birthday. Think happy thoughts."

  "I'll try," Julie said. "I am trying, Alex. I really am. It's just so hard."

  "I know," he said. "Come on. Let's see what kind of feast Briana whipped up for you." He unlocked the outside door, and then the door to their apartment.

  "SURPRISE!"

  "What!" Ju
lie shouted. "Oh, Alex!" She hugged her brother, and then ran to Bri and embraced her as well.

  Alex grinned. Everyone was there: Kevin, James, and Tony, Julie's friends Brittany and Lauren, and Father Mulrooney. The soft glow of candlelight illuminated the yellow crepe paper hanging in the doorways, and the big HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JULIE! sign on the blanket covering the living room window.

  It was funny, Alex thought, as he shook everyone's hands and thanked them for coming. He'd never invited his classmates over, since he'd always been a little ashamed of where he lived. He wasn't the only scholarship student at Vincent de Paul, but the guys he wanted to impress, the Chris Flynns of his school, all had money and parents with position. But thanks to what was happening, money no longer counted for anything. Position, except in the highest ranks, was a thing of the past. They were all truly equal in the eyes of God and man, and his apartment at least had the advantage of not requiring anyone to walk up ten flights of stairs.

  He made a special point of thanking Father Mulrooney. How proud Mami would be to have a priest, the acting head of St. Vincent de Paul Academy, chaperoning her daughter's party.

  "I'm glad you invited me, Alex," Father Mulrooney replied. "It's good to see young faces smiling again."

  Julie certainly was smiling. Alex couldn't remember the last time she'd been so happy, if she ever had. She'd been born scowling. But now her face was radiant with joy.

  "I brought a portable CD player," Tony said. "I thought we might dance."

  The four girls giggled. The boys pushed the furniture to the side of the room, creating a dance floor of sorts. The CD that Tony put on was filled with the music of the previous spring, songs that made Alex feel young again. James asked Julie to dance, Kevin asked Bri, Tony asked Brittany, and Alex asked Lauren. None of the boys were particularly good dancers, but the girls didn't seem to mind. Alex had invited James and Tony not merely because they were two of the guys he was most friendly with but because they were two of the better-looking guys left in his school. Not that looks seemed to matter. With four boys and four girls, they all took turns dancing with each other. Even Father Mulrooney got into the act, gamely dancing with Julie.

  "I'll have you know I was quite the jitterbug in my youth," Father Mulrooney said. "It's these modern, newfangled dances like the waltz that take so much out of me."

  "But the waltz isn't modern," Lauren said, "is it?"

  "No, my dear," Father Mulrooney said. "That was just the excuse of an old man."

  Bri had to stop dancing and use her inhaler. Alex worried she'd be self-conscious about it, but Tony said he also had asthma, and the two of them sat on the sofa and talked softly about it. Everyone had gotten so warm from the dancing and the body heat that they'd taken off their coats. Seeing Bri and Tony on the sofa sitting together, dressed as people used to dress, made Alex almost dizzy with nostalgia.

  "What we need are refreshments," Kevin said, walking to the kitchen. "Does anyone here want a Coke?"

  "Coke?" the girls shrieked.

  "I'll get the cups," Bri said, and out of nowhere, it seemed, came paper cups.

  "They're my contribution," Tony said. "Paper goods. Kevin gave me my instructions, and I did exactly as I was told."

  "I wish you'd do the same in Latin class," Father Mulrooney grumbled, and everybody laughed.

  Kevin poured each of them a cupful of Coke. "To Julie," he said. "May she have a life full of love and happiness."

  Everyone raised their glasses and said, "To Julie."

  Even though the Coke was warm, it was like the songs on Tony's CD, a reminder of how life had been just a few months back.

  "And now for something really special," James said. "Well, I hope really special, but I make no guarantees." He went into the kitchen and took a few moments before returning to the living room. When he did, he was carrying a birthday cake, blazing with fourteen birthday candles.

  "Happy birthday to you," everyone sang. "Blow out the candles, Julie! Make a wish!"

  Julie closed her eyes tightly, then opened them and blew out the candles. It took her two or three attempts. Alex told himself it wasn't because she was no longer strong, but because there were so many candles on her cake.

  "It's chocolate cake," Julie said, cutting into it. "Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. Oh, James, where did you find it?"

  "I didn't exactly find it," James said. "It's just an old box of cake mix and a package of icing we had lying around. It was pretty exciting, actually. We have an electric oven, so it was just a case of the electricity staying on long enough to bake the cake, which it almost did yesterday. It may be a little soggy on the inside, but it was the best I could do."

  "It's the most beautiful birthday cake I ever had," Julie said. "I can't believe your family gave up a real cake."

  Alex couldn't believe it, either. He wondered how many pairs of shoes it had cost Kevin to get the cake mix and icing, and he appreciated how his friend had set things up so no one would think of the loss of life that simple, underbaked cake had cost.

  But one bite of chocolate cake made him stop thinking about death. It's a miracle, he thought. Chocolate cake and Coke and music and seeing his sisters look young and beautiful were all miracles.

  "Tony brought the paper goods, and James brought the cake," Kevin said. "So I brought the birthday present. Happy birthday, Julie. It's not much, but I hope you'll like it." He handed her a small, oddly shaped package, wrapped in leftover Christmas paper.

  Julie unwrapped it as though the paper were solid gold. Under the wrapping was a layer of tissues, and lying in the tissues was a lipstick.

  "Oh my god!" the girls squealed. "Oh, Julie, it's a perfect color. Oh, Julie, put it on."

  Julie turned to Alex. "May I?" she asked.

  "Only if you dance one final dance with me," he said.

  Julie ran to the bathroom, the girls following in her footsteps. Alex took the opportunity to thank James, Tony, and Kevin for making his sister's birthday so special. They all acted as though it wasn't a big deal, but Alex knew how important it was to Julie, to Bri, and to Julie's friends. No matter what else happened to them, they had gone to a party and danced with real boys.

  Julie's lips were a bright pink when she came out of the bathroom, and so were her cheeks. Alex bowed to her and escorted her onto the dance floor. James found a slow song, and Alex and Julie danced for a moment—until Kevin tapped him on the shoulder and cut in.

  "We'd better move the furniture back into place," Father Mulrooney said when the song ended. "We don't want to be out after curfew."

  It only took a minute or two for the four boys to get things back in order. None of the cake was left, but there were still a couple of cans of Coke, which Kevin told them to keep.

  Tony said he'd walk Lauren home, since she lived only a couple of blocks away from him, and Kevin promised the same for Brittany. Both girls giggled some more as they hugged Julie good-bye. James, Tony, and Kevin all gave Julie pecks on the cheek, causing another avalanche of giggles. Everyone put on coats, gloves, and scarves and went out into the icy-cold autumn night.

  Julie walked over first to Bri and then to Alex and embraced them. "This is the best birthday I ever had," she told them. "When I say my prayers tonight, I'll thank María, Madre de Cristo, for giving me the best brother and the best sister in the world, and for letting me be thirteen."

  Chapter 12

  Monday, October 3

  As Alex walked toward his locker, he saw James and Tony standing there. Neither of them looked happy, and Alex worried immediately that something bad had happened because of the party.

  "We need to talk to you," James said, which didn't brighten Alex's mood any.

  Tony looked almost pained. "We know things are rough for your family right now, and we don't want to make things worse," he said. "But I thought about it all weekend, and James talked to his dad, and at church yesterday we all had a conference, and we need to tell you something."

  Alex's mind raced throu
gh all the catastrophic possibilities. None made sense, except perhaps that he should be asked to leave Vincent de Paul. But he couldn't think of any reason why. He clenched his fists and waited.

  "It's about Briana," Tony said. "Your sister."

  "I know who Briana is," Alex said.

  "Tony," James said. "Here's the thing, Alex. Bri has asthma, like Tony, and it isn't good for her health to live in a basement apartment. We're not saying you don't keep it clean, because we're sure you do. It's just that basements grow mold, and nowadays with so much water around, that's an even bigger problem."

  Alex looked at his well-meaning friends. Tony, with his asthma, probably had never been in a basement before last week. And James, son of a cardiologist, was a model of healthy living.

  "My mom says there are still some shelters open," Tony said. "They're under city supervision, and they're still pretty safe."

  "We're not moving to a shelter," Alex said. "But I'll see what I can do about getting us out of the basement."

  "We apologize for interfering," James said. "If it were just you and Julie, we wouldn't say anything. But we know you're doing everything you can for your family, and Bri really needs to be moved out of the basement."

  Alex nodded. Asthma was a whole new world for him, but not for Tony or James's father. If they said Bri needed to get out of the basement, it would be sinful to let pride interfere with good judgment.

  Tuesday, October 4

  "Julie and I are skipping school tomorrow," Alex announced over supper of elbow macaroni and marinara sauce.

  "We are?" Julie asked. "What about lunch?"

  "I can skip lunch tomorrow," Bri said. "The two of you can share my meal."

  "You eat lunch," Alex said. He was already concerned that Bri wasn't eating when he wasn't around to supervise her. "Julie and I'll manage."

  "So why are we skipping school?" Julie asked.

  "We're moving," Alex said.

  "We can't move!" Bri said. "If we move, Mami and Papi and Carlos won't be able to find us."