WE ARE US

by Leigh, Tara

  “Yeah, yeah. That’s what all the girls say.”

  Girls. The word is like a laser beam to a kitten, distracting me from the topic at hand. I think about Clarissa and all the other girls who have probably gone out of their way to have Gavin pump their gas since last summer, inviting him to the beach or their pool or a party. Probably into their pants.

  Clarissa even cornered me in the bathroom once last semester, peppering me with questions about Gavin. Implying that if I was willing to bring him along, I’d be welcome to hang out with her and her friends.

  I wanted friends… but I wasn’t about to fall for her blatant ruse. If anything, it only made me even more protective of what Gavin and I had. What we share together.

  “Um… Have you ever…” I clear my throat, not sure I really want to know the answer to the question. “…you know.”

  “Have I ever…”

  I look around furtively, then whisper, “Had sex.”

  Gavin’s brows edge upward until they disappear behind the hair falling over his forehead. “No. Not yet.”

  I blink at him, strangely unsatisfied. “Why not?”

  “Why not?” he repeats my question, but doesn’t answer it. “Have you?”

  “No,” I shoot back. “Of course not.”

  “Then why are you asking me if I have? I kind of figured it’s something I should do with my girlfriend. You know, when you’re ready.”

  Instantly, my lungs feel like they’ve been replaced with tanks of helium, my lips curving in what I can only imagine is a stupid grin. “You just called me your girlfriend.” A word I’d been hoping to hear from his lips since the cold spring day we’d witnessed a very vocal mockingbird find his mate. After spotting them together several times since, either stoically protecting their nest or warbling and chirping at each other as they danced from tree to tree, we’d nicknamed them Fred and Wilma.

  Gavin makes an exasperated sound. “Of course I did. You are, aren’t you?”

  Hell yes, I am. “But you’ve never said it before.”

  “Oh. Well, now I have.”

  “I guess that makes you my boyfriend, huh?”

  “It sure as hell d—”

  I cut Gavin off with a kiss, savoring the press of his lips on mine, the warm slide of his tongue. Ribbons of desire unspool inside me as his hands wind through my hair, gathering fistfuls of it as he cradles my head within his grasp.

  The last lingering thoughts of a girl I don’t know and a football player I don’t want to know evaporate from my mind. There is only us, in our cozy cave, in our enchanted forest.

  “You know, speaking as your girlfriend, if you wanted to do something… more than kissing, I wouldn’t mind.”

  The blaze inside Gavin’s eyes sets my face on fire… until his groan douses the flames. “I wish you hadn’t told me that.”

  I let my forehead fall against his neck. “Why?”

  “Because I’ve been doing a damn good job convincing myself more isn’t on the menu.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you. And you’re my best friend. And the things I want to do to you…”

  Intrigue wraps around me like a net of silken strands and shimmering fairy lights. “What do you want to do to me?”

  “Everything.” Guilt is written into the sharp slice of his cheekbones, the chiseled set of his jaw.

  “I want that, too,” I say urgently. “We don’t have to make a big deal of it. Everyone says their first time isn’t all that special, anyway.”

  “Maybe not, but you sure as hell are.” He cups my chin in his hand, bringing my gaze back to his face. “Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Your first time—your every time—should be special.”

  “I love you.” My words emerge as a whisper, although I could gleefully shout them at the sky.

  Gavin echoes them against my lips, drawing me into another kiss. The sounds of the forest swell around us, mimicking my own restlessness and impatience.

  Wind tugs at gnarled branches that arc over our heads, their leaves swishing. Birds twitter and chirp, their wings flapping as they jump from one perch to the next. Not even the shrubs clinging to the forest floor are silent, their verdant depths rustling as chipmunks and squirrels scavenge for fallen acorns.

  But I’m not paying attention to any of it.

  Because within our wild universe, Gavin is my sun. The biggest, brightest, most beautiful star. I am pulled to him by gravitational forces that exist just between us. Our own atmosphere, our own electrical currents. We are a galaxy unto ourselves.

  Throwing a knee over Gavin’s legs, I push my hands into the hair at the back of his neck and sit astride his lap. Gavin’s fingers slide beneath my shirt, following the ladder of my spine until he reaches my bra. Unclasping it, he cups my breasts in his hands and I let out a wanton, yearning cry as his thumbs sweep over the sensitive peaks of my nipples. Between my legs, there is a pulsing, a second heartbeat that grows more insistent with each kiss, each caress.

  Pressed up against me is proof that Gavin feels the same way. I rock my hips against him, his moan sending a tremble through my bones. My hands become greedy, reaching beneath his shirt to explore his muscles. Gavin has filled out in the past three years, he’s no longer the lanky boy I first met.

  I’ve changed, too. Last winter, my breasts appeared almost overnight. My hips curving enough that I needed a bigger jean size.

  When I reach for my own hem, intending to pull off my shirt, Gavin stops me. “No, Poppy. We can’t.”

  Shaken by a mix of frustration, disappointment, and embarrassment, I blink back the sting of tears. “Why not?”

  He takes a few ragged breaths. “I don’t want to roll around in a cave with you. You deserve better.”

  I shake my head in protest, desperate to both allay Gavin’s concerns and satisfy the primitive mating instinct surging through my veins. “We found this place together; we’ve made it our own. And besides, all I need is you.”

  For a moment, I think Gavin will change his mind. That love and lust will win out. But then his features harden, his voice modulating. “Not yet, Poppy. I want to make it special for you. And I’m not… I’m not prepared.”

  “Not…” It takes me a minute, but I finally realize what he’s saying. “Oh,” is the only thing that comes out of my mouth. Condoms. Of course. Why would he carry them around if we aren’t having sex? Yet.

  The determination filling my lungs evaporates in a rush and I slide off his lap, adjusting my clothes. The heavy weight of our awkward silence presses down on my shoulders.

  Eventually, Gavin breaks it. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  I immediately think the worst. “Oh, God—what’s he done?” He is Doug, of course. After that afternoon last summer, Doug had apparently spent the next few hours drinking before slamming his truck into a tree.

  He walked away without a scratch. Well, technically he didn’t walk since he was unconscious when police arrived on the scene. They brought him to the hospital to rule out internal injuries, then to the local jail when his bloodwork revealed an alcohol content twice the legal limit. Since it was Doug’s second DUI, he spent a few months in jail and has been on probation ever since.

  Mostly, he’s avoided Gavin. But, like so many other things—it’s probably just a matter of time before he returns to his old tricks. Although now, Doug has to know he won’t emerge from a fight with Gavin unscathed.

  “Yeah?”

  “I got a job. A second job, at a warehouse,” he amends. “For the days Bill doesn’t need me at the gas station. The shifts are right after school, and the pay is pretty good.”

  A second job means more demands on his time and less of it for me. For us. “Wow. Um, congratulations.”

  My attempt at feigning excitement isn’t very convincing and Gavin easily sees through it, running agitated fingers through his already messy hair. “Yeah. I know, it’s not ideal,”

  “S-so when am I goin
g to see you,” I stutter. As it is, we only have one or two afternoons to spend together now, and when school lets out in a couple of months, we’ll have even less.

  “We’ll find time.”

  My shoulders slump. I love our afternoons in the woods together.

  Sure, sometimes it’s frustrating as hell when the weather gets in the way.

  But mostly, it feels romantic. Old-fashioned, but in a good way.

  This past winter, when the preserve was impassable for months at a time, we’d arranged to meet up at the library every Wednesday. Not coincidentally, this was the day Sadie stayed after school for her creative writing club. Otherwise, I knew she would want to come with me—the library was her favorite place—and even though Gavin and I were venturing out of the forest, I still wasn’t ready to share him with my sister yet. And sometimes on the weekends, I pretended to have a babysitting job but met Gavin at the movies instead.

  “When do you start?”

  He swallows, the bob of his Adam’s apple making me wary. “Tomorrow.”

  Chapter 8

  Sackett, Connecticut

  Fall, Senior Year, High School

  “Happy birthday,” Gavin says with a beaming smile, meeting me at the clearing where we played our very first game of Gin Rummy. Except that today, instead of a deck of cards, he’s holding a small, wrapped box.

  I don’t take it right away. In my world, birthday presents aren’t expected. At least, not the kind bought in a store.

  Last year, Gavin surprised me with a bouquet of wildflowers. And this year, what I’ve been hoping for can’t be wrapped with a bow.

  “Does this mean you don’t want…” me, is the word that comes to mind. I manage to hold it back, although the hot sting of disappointed tears pricks my eyes.

  I am so in love with Gavin that it almost hurts… and I’ve been hoping this would be the day we finally…

  I have an unsettling sense that time is running out for us. That this idyll we’ve shared won’t last forever. I’m sure it’s just me, just the ridiculous clock inside my head that no one else hears. Tick, tick, tick.

  Usually, I can shake it off. We’ve spent hours planning our future together, sharing our hopes and dreams.

  We leave for college at the end of summer. Thankfully, we both got into Worthington University. We’ll still be together, but so much will be different. There will be other people around. Other girls. We’ll be living on the same campus, where we can see each other anytime we want. That’s a good thing, it’s what I want …

  But I’m scared of losing what’s made us special.

  Sometimes, like now, the urgency vibrating through my bones is impossible to ignore. I want to lose my virginity to Gavin now.

  Before we leave for college.

  Before the next phase of our lives begins.

  Before what we have right now, here in our very own enchanted forest, slips away.

  He shakes his head at me. “I promise, tonight you’ll have everything you want.” The grin stretched across Gavin’s face, coupled with his familiar low laugh, breaks up some of the tightness curving around my ribcage. “And so will I.”

  But not all of it. I’m still not entirely reassured. “I only want you.”

  His eyes crinkle at their corners, his voice lowering like he’s sharing a secret. “Poppy, trust me. Open your present.”

  I take the box as if it might explode in my hands, carefully plucking at the tape so the paper comes apart in one piece. But my stare shoots back to him when a jewelry box is revealed. “You shouldn’t have spent—”

  “I wanted to,” he reassures me.

  I told Gavin not to buy me anything. He’s been working so much these past few months, and I don’t want him spending his hard-earned money on me. Not when I know he’s trying to save every penny for school. And maybe, hopefully, the future we’ll build together.

  I’m working every spare second too, just like Gavin. I nanny for two girls who live down the street, getting them off the bus almost every afternoon and taking care of them until their parents get home from work. And I babysit for other families most Friday and Saturday nights.

  Gavin and I don’t see each other nearly as much as we’d like. But sometimes, like today, we make the time.

  I give him a last stern look, but when I lift the lid, all my reservations evaporate as suddenly as morning mist on a sunny day. In the center of the velvet cushion is a milky stone, carved into the shape of a teardrop and suspended from a delicate silver chain. As the light catches it, shades of blue and green give the pendant an ethereal effect. “Gavin, this is beautiful,” I say in an awed whisper, running my finger over the smooth surface.

  “It’s moonstone,” Gavin tells me, “one of the birthstones for June.”

  Gavin’s birthday is June twenty-eighth. Tears spring to my eyes. In my seventeen years, I’ve never received such an extraordinary, extravagant gift. “I’ll have a reminder of you with me, always.”

  His cheeks are tinged pink, and he shifts nervously from foot to foot. “Yeah… but if you don’t like it—”

  “I love it,” I interrupt, overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness and generosity. Gently, I remove the necklace from the box and hand it to Gavin. “Will you help me?”

  Lifting my hair up, I spin around and close my eyes. After he fastens the clasp at the back of my neck, he kisses my skin, sending a bolt of electricity racing down my spine. My head lolls forward as I moan, savoring the scrape of his teeth and the swipe of his tongue. Gavin’s kisses are a gift, too. There is nowhere I don’t want to feel his mouth on my body.

  Gavin’s touch makes me feel like I’m at the precipice of something magical and dangerous.

  But with him, I am safe. I have no doubts about that.

  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

  Slowly, so slowly, I turn in his arms, my head thrown back, my neck exposed and vulnerable. A supplicant embracing her salvation.

  Gavin’s lips track up my neck, drawing my earlobe between his teeth and nibbling on it. “You taste so good, Poppy,” he murmurs, his warm breath sending goose bumps skating over my skin. “You always taste so damn good.”

  My body responds to his words, and to the need threaded through each syllable. His sexy rasp sends a flood of heat between my thighs, a craving for friction, an aching to be filled.

  Proof of Gavin’s lust, the bulge in his jeans pressing against me, compounds my own. A lit match tossed onto an oil slick.

  He brushes his lips against mine, releasing a shuddering breath. I swallow his exhale, filling my lungs with his minty warmth.

  “Let’s go to our cave.”

  * * *

  “Close your eyes.”

  I slant a curious look at Gavin, taking in his kiss-swollen lips and flushed skin, his untamable mop of hair and the blaze of excitement lighting up the blue of his corneas.

  Gavin squeezes my hand reassuringly as I do what he’s asked, then slowly walks me the remaining few steps toward our cave. Without vision, my other senses are heightened. The cry of birds sounds closer, like they are perched just overhead instead of on branches thirty or forty feet above. The bite of the breeze on my skin is sharper, each gust sending a chill racing along already sensitive nerve endings. The smell of ripe earth and rich evergreen and the clean, bracing scent of Gavin himself is downright intoxicating, my head swimming as I pull breaths deep into my lungs.

  Most of all, the moonstone pendant laying against my collarbone is making my chest tingle, my heart fluttering against my ribcage.

  “Okay, open them.”

  I do, immediately gasping in surprise at what Gavin’s done to our little cave. There are candles burning and scattered rose petals—no, poppy petals—and a basket filled with drinks and snacks. A pile of blankets and pillows.

  “You did all this for me?” I ask, my voice sounding whispery and weird.

  I feel whispery and weird.

  I’ve never had a birthday like this. I’ve never even imag
ined a birthday like this. First the necklace and now, seeing the lengths Gavin has gone for me…

  Beneath the surface of my skin, I’m a chaotic mess of emotions. I don’t know what to say, how to act. This is uncharted territory for me.

  “Of course,” he says, as if it’s nothing. But it’s not nothing. It’s everything.

  Before I dissolve into a teary puddle, Gavin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a deck of cards. “You taught me how to play gin rummy—how about I teach you to play poker?”

  A strangled laugh leaves my throat. “I think that’s fair.”

  We sit down and Gavin spends a few minutes going over the basics of the game before dealing out the cards. It’s not as easy as gin rummy, but I get the hang of it after a few rounds.

  And when Gavin lifts a mischievous brow and asks, “Want to make things interesting?” I know exactly what he’s doing. Not just poker. Strip poker.

  That’s when I realize just how much planning has gone into tonight. Beyond buying me an expensive present. Beyond pimping out our cave. Gavin found a way to make my first time—our first time—a mix of old and new. An experience evoking our past and celebrating our future.

  I’ve imagined the night Gavin and I would finally go all the way a million times. But I’d only focused on the physical aspects. Would it hurt? Will there be blood? What if I do it wrong?

  It never crossed my mind that he would take such care with… everything.

  But, of course, it should have.

  Gavin Cross is one of a kind.

  And he’s mine.

  After his pair of aces beats my pair of queens, I stand up to shimmy my jeans down my thighs. Watching me, Gavin’s fingers fumble with the cards, his eyes glazing over with appreciation. Before he can deal out another hand, I crawl into his lap and throw my arms around his neck. “I’ll tell you again later, but just so you know, this is the best night of my life.”

  “Don’t say that yet. We haven’t—” Gavin breaks off, and a nervous expression pulls at his features.

  My heart softens. In all this, I’ve almost forgotten that tonight is Gavin’s first time, too.