My Parents Are Sex Maniacs

by Robyn Harding

  “Yeah,” I mumble in turn.

  “I knew he was confused,” Russell continues, “but I didn’t know he had a full-on girlfriend.”

  “My former best friend,” I add.

  He looks at me. “That’s a really weird coincidence, don’t you think?”

  “It’s totally freaky!” I cry. “I mean, all this time I was hoping something bad would happen to Sienna so she would hurt like I hurt, but not this.”

  “It’s too much.”

  “It is.” I am quiet for a long moment. “How did you meet him?”

  “I’d seen him around the mall, and we’d had eye contact a few times. He finally came over and ordered a pizza dog, and we got to talking. We just had instant chemistry.”

  “Do you really like him?” From my intonation, it’s obvious that I find this hard to believe.

  “Yes,” Russell snaps defensively. “He’s a very sweet guy. He’s going through a lot trying to deal with his sexuality. Maybe that’s affecting the way he acts toward people.”

  “I’ll say,” I snort. “At school he acts like an arrogant a-hole.”

  “Obviously your former friend likes him.”

  “Well, she’s an a-hole too.”

  “Yeah . . . ” Russell continues to rest his heels on the front bumper, staring at his knees.

  “So what happens now?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. What does happen now?”

  We sit in silence for a long moment, me staring at the twinkling lights of the urban sprawl below us, Russell still focusing on his pants. Finally, Russell says, “Why’d you come up here anyway?”

  In all the commotion, I had momentarily forgotten that my mother was a walking advertisement for boinking my teacher. “My mom and my algebra teacher had some big news today.”

  “They’re getting married?”

  “Worse. They’re going to have a baby!”

  “A baby?” Russell says, his voice instantly turning syrupy. “That’s great! I love babies.”

  “It’s not great,” I grumble. “Every kid at school will know that my mom’s been screwing a teacher. I’ll become known as the daughter of two sex maniacs—instead of just one.”

  “But look at the bright side,” Russell says, sounding not unlike my mother. “You’re going to have a new little brother or sister. You should be excited!”

  I stand up. “You don’t get it.”

  “But a baby will be so much fun to play with.”

  “You’d feel differently if your dad knocked Tanya up.”

  “No, I wouldn’t. I already know they have sex.”

  “Yes, but at least they’re not advertising it! I mean, I know lots of parents have sex, but they’re supposed to do it late at night, quietly, and with each other. For all my mom’s and my dad’s discretion, they might as well have done it right in front of me. God! My dad practically did do it in front of my brother! We’re both going to need so much therapy.”

  Russell laughs. “Aren’t we all?”

  We hang out for a few more minutes and then I inspect my watch in the darkness. “I’d better get the car home before my mom sends out a search party.”

  “Yeah, I may as well go too.”

  Sliding off the hood I turn to face Russell. “What are you going to do about Daniel?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You have to tell him to break up with Sienna.”

  “It doesn’t work that way,” he says, sounding a little exasperated with me. “I can’t tell him to do anything.”

  “Well, obviously this can’t go on!” I say.

  “Okay, Mom,” Russell snaps.

  It’s been ages since I’ve been accused of momlike behavior, and I can’t deny that Russell’s words sting. “Whatever,” I say sullenly, heading for my mom’s car.

  “Yeah, whatever,” he grumbles, opening the Thunderbird’s door. I feel a familiar flutter of fear in my chest as I watch Russell prepare to leave. Have I handled this whole thing badly? Have I destroyed yet another friendship by being too judgmental? Have I got some kind of personality disorder that will keep me from ever having a BFF?

  But before Russell closes the door he says, “I’ll see you at work tomorrow. We can talk about this some more then.”

  I barely sleep that night, tossing and turning over Daniel’s affair with Russell, Sienna’s impending heartache and humiliation, and my mother’s fertile relationship with my math teacher. When morning arrives, I have come to some conclusions:

  I will not interfere in the whole Russell-Daniel-Sienna triangle. I cannot risk losing my closest friend due to my maternal (read: bossy and judgmental) ways. Besides, it’s not like Sienna and Daniel are going to get married or anything. And when she does ultimately get dumped and humiliated, well . . . she sort of deserves it.

  I will steadfastly refuse to celebrate my mother’s pregnancy. From this day forward, I will give her the cold shoulder to demonstrate my anger at her lack of concern for how her sexual practices affect her existing children. And I have decided to go back to calling Dave Mr. Bartley.

  When I walk into the kitchen, my mom is pouring herself a cup of coffee. She calls over her shoulder to Dave, seated at the breakfast bar in front of a bowl of cereal and the paper. “Don’t worry, honey, it’s Swiss Water decaf. It’s perfectly safe for the ba—” She stops when she sees me. “Oh, hi, honey,” she says, her voice conciliatory. “Are you feeling better today?”

  “Not really,” I retort, grabbing a bowl from the cupboard. “Would you please pass me the cereal, Mr. Bartley?” My mom and Dave exchange amused looks, but I ignore them. Filling my bowl with Raisin Bran and milk, I return to my room to eat.

  That afternoon at Orange Julius, I explain my neutral policy regarding the love triangle to Russell. “I’m sorry if I was sounding bossy and judgmental last night,” I begin. “I’ve thought a lot about it and it wasn’t right for me to tell you what to do. If you want to keep seeing Daniel behind Sienna’s back . . . well, that’s your decision.”

  He smiles at me. “Are you giving me your blessing, Mom?”

  “I’m not your mom!” I shriek, drawing the attention of several food-court patrons. I lower my voice. “I’m not your mom. I’m your cool, nonjudgmental friend.”

  “I’m just teasing you.” Russell reaches for the hot dog tongs and halfheartedly turns a few dogs. “I don’t know what I’m going to do about Daniel, but it’s not as simple as telling him to break up with Sienna.”

  “It’s not?”

  “If he chooses me over her, that’s like admitting he’s gay, and he’s not ready to do that. His parents put a lot of pressure on him to go to college, join his dad’s fraternity, and eventually his law firm. They want him to marry a nice girl and have some nice little grandchildren. When—or if he comes out, it could change his whole life.”

  “But he can’t just live a lie!” I say rather desperately. For the first time ever, I feel something less than distaste for Daniel Noran. It’s bizarre, but what I feel for him right now borders on pity.

  Russell puts a hot dog in a bun and slathers it with mustard. “It takes a lot to be a gay man in a straight man’s world,” he says, sounding about forty instead of seventeen. “A lot of guys don’t have the guts. It’s sad, but it’s true.”

  My problems suddenly seem ridiculously small. “I’m definitely going to stay out of it from now on,” I say, handing him a paper napkin to catch a drip of mustard. “This is way too complicated for me.”

  28

  The last few days of my summer vacation are relatively calm. This is not to say that I’m not still bothered by recent events. Ever since my mom’s announcement, it’s like she’s suddenly blossomed into this round, glowing pregnant creature. She’s always saying annoying things, like “I can’t believe I’m showing so much already. I guess all my abdominal muscles are stretched out from carrying Louise and Troy” and “I hope this baby’s head isn’t as big as Louise’s was. I thought she was going to split me in two!�
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  Before school starts, Dave sits Troy and me down in the living room. Obviously, he doesn’t need to tell me to call him Mr. Bartley at school, since I’ve already reverted to that formal title—when I remember, of course.

  “Well . . . school’s almost back in session,” he says.

  “Yeah, we know,” I mumble.

  “I don’t want you kids to feel uncomfortable about my relationship with your mom.”

  “Too late,” I growl.

  Dave sighs. “Louise, I know you’re not thrilled about it, but your mother and I are together and we’re going to stay together, so you may as well accept it.”

  I know he’s right, but I still feel they deserve to be punished with my hostility for causing me such embarrassment. I shrug mutely and stare at the coffee table.

  Mr. Bartley continues. “Now that I’m living here, I thought it would be too awkward for you to be in my class this year, so I’ve arranged for you both to have other math teachers.”

  “Darn,” Troy says, “I thought I’d get an A for once.”

  “Sorry, my friend,” Dave replies, “I guess you’re going to have to earn it.” He looks to me.

  “What?” I snap. “That’s fine. It’s not like I loved your algebra class so much last year.”

  “Okay then,” Dave says, clapping his hands on his legs and standing up. “I’m glad that’s all sorted out.”

  At least things with Russell and me are still solid. I have stuck to my vow not to interfere in his relationship with Daniel Noran—if relationship is the right word for something so volatile. “It’s over,” Russell says over Mocha Frappuccinos at Starbucks. “He says he was just experimenting. He wants to make things work with Sienna.”

  I put my hand on his. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah . . . It was just a bit of fun.” But I can hear the sadness in his voice. He looks at me and brightens. “We’ll be in New York soon anyway.”

  “Only one more year to go and we’re out of here!”

  “Let’s focus on the future!”

  “Definitely,” I say. “I’m going to devote this year to getting my portfolio ready for art school.”

  “And I’m going to send out a bunch of sample CDs to New York City clubs.”

  But on Labor Day weekend, things have changed yet again. We’re working a Saturday shift when Russell casually says, “I saw Daniel last night.”

  I whirl around from the Wild Blue Twist I’m blending. “You did?”

  “Yeah.” He waits for me to serve my customer before continuing. “He really misses me and he’s going to end things with Sienna.”

  “What?” I know I’m supposed to be cool and nonjudgmental about this, but I can’t believe Daniel is playing Russell and Sienna this way. “Last week he said you were just an experiment.”

  Russell laughs. “He didn’t say I was an experiment, he said he was experimenting.”

  “So he’s going to break up with Sienna then?”

  “When the timing’s right,” he says. “He doesn’t want to hurt her too much.”

  But as soon as I walk through the doors of Red Cedars on September 5, I am met by the sound of Sienna’s ringing laughter. That’s definitely not the sound of a girl whose boyfriend has just dropped her for a guy. As I pass through the lobby, I glance over at her clique occupying their usual space at the bottom of the stairwell. Kimber and Jessie are there, of course, as are Liam and Aidan, two slick, good-looking guys. And holding court at the center of the group are Sienna and Daniel. Sienna is seated on the bottom stair and Daniel is one above her, his arms draped possessively over her shoulders. For only the briefest moment, I experience that old sense of alienation, but I shake it off. I’m almost through the lobby and entering the hallway when Daniel looks up. It’s the first time Daniel Noran and I have had eye contact. In fact, it could be the first time he’s ever looked at me. But in his blue eyes I don’t see the cool arrogance I’d expected. There is a pleading desperation in them. Quickly, I look away.

  Leah Montgomery and Emma Johnston find me on the way to homeroom. “Can you believe this is our last year here?” Emma says, a wistful twinge to her voice.

  “Thank god!” I say, and they both laugh.

  Leah says, “Did you hear about Aaron Hansen?”

  “No, what?”

  “He spent the summer interning with this theater group in Chicago. He’s staying there for three more weeks.”

  “Cool.”

  “What about you?” Emma asks me. “Anything exciting happen in your life this summer?”

  Oh . . . well, my mom got knocked up by our algebra teacher and I discovered that the most popular guy in school is secretly gay. I don’t actually say this, of course. Instead I shrug and say, “Not really . . . I mostly just worked and hung out with Russell.”

  “You’re lucky!” Emma gushes. “He’s so gorgeous!”

  “I know,” I say a little ruefully.

  “Speaking of gorgeous,” Leah says, “there’s Red Cedar’s golden couple.” Sienna and Daniel are approaching hand in hand. Something about her self-satisfied smile and his ultra-confident swagger irks me. If the rest of the school knew what I know, they wouldn’t look so smug.

  “You know he’s gay, don’t you?” I say loudly.

  Leah and Emma look at me. Out of the corner of my eye, I can feel Daniel’s attention on me as well. “Russell,” I explain. “He’s gay.”

  “I knew,” Leah says.

  “Yeah, I kind of figured,” Emma seconds.

  “Well, you know what they say,” I continue with a loud laugh. “If a guy is too good-looking and too well-dressed, he’s probably gay!” I have no idea if this is truly what they say, but it certainly applies to both Russell and Daniel. At that moment, the second bell rings and we all hurry toward our homerooms. Daniel and Sienna pass by me without a glance, but something in his tense posture tells me that I’ve gotten to him.

  After school, I call Russell. “Daniel hasn’t broken up with Sienna yet.”

  “He will,” he replies confidently. “He’s just waiting for the right time.”

  “But when will it be the right time?” I demand. “When they’ve been together for six months? A year? When they’ve been voted best-looking and most popular couple ever in the history of Red Cedars?”

  “I thought you were going to stay out of this?” he says, an edge to his voice.

  He’s right; I thought I was, but I didn’t realize it would be so hard! “You don’t know what it’s like to see them together. They walk around like they’re the king and queen of the school, and it’s all just a lie.”

  Russell’s voice is quiet when he finally answers. “Yeah . . . that would be pretty hard to watch.”

  And finally, I clue in. Sure, it’s irritating for me to watch Daniel and Sienna together, but the situation is downright painful for Russell. “I’m really gonna try to stay out of it from now on,” I promise.

  “Thanks. I think that would be best.”

  “It’s not going to be easy though.”

  “It won’t be for much longer,” Russell assures me. “He’s going to end it with her soon.”

  While his voice sounds optimistic, I can’t help but pick up a hint of doubt.

  29

  It’s not easy, but I do a pretty good job of sticking to my policy of noninterference. When I see Sienna and her Prince Charming in the hallway, I force myself to turn away in case I make some comment about living a lie or kissing gay frogs. If Russell can put his trust in Daniel to do the right thing, then so can I. And whenever Sienna’s smug happiness becomes a little hard to take, I remind myself that she’s about to be devastated by her boyfriend’s confession of homosexuality. Instead of finding her annoying, I will pity her. Given the years of friendship in our past, it’s the least I can do.

  The only positive aspect of my obsession with their love triangle is that it has distracted me from my mom’s relationship with Mr. Bartley. On the few occasions when I’ve passed Dave in t
he hallway, I’ve simply muttered a casual “hey,” instead of screaming and fleeing in the other direction. In fact, I’m feeling largely unconcerned about that aspect of my life. Compared to the Daniel Noran situation, the fact that my mother is about to become Mr. Bartley’s baby momma doesn’t seem that big a deal.

  That is, until Thursday at lunchtime, when, without any warning, my worst fear is realized. A few of us are leaning against Leah’s locker talking when she appears in the distance. She’s walking down the hall—or should I say waddling down the hall, her enormously round stomach leading the way to Mr. Bartley’s classroom. Okay, my mom isn’t really that big, but that belly of hers is obviously more than just beer and pizza. My first instinct is to make a loud noise or crack a joke or something—anything to keep my friends focused on me and not the obviously pregnant form of my mother lumbering to the math room. But if I do create some kind of outburst, will it attract my mom’s attention? Will she come over and say, “Hi, honey! Hi, girls! Would you like to touch my stomach and feel the child I created from your math teacher’s seed?”

  It appears there’s nothing I can do but stare mutely in her direction. I am paralyzed with fear at our secret being discovered. No one even knows my mom and Mr. Bartley are dating, let alone that he has impregnated her—in my own house, quite possibly on my dining-room table! As she enters the math class, I breathe a sigh of relief, but it is premature. Emma Johnston says, “Hey, Louise. Wasn’t that your mom?”

  “Uh . . . ” My face instantly turns beet red. “I didn’t notice.”

  “Is she pregnant?” Raj Sohota asks.

  I clear my throat nervously. “Umm . . . yeah.”

  Leah says, “I thought your parents were split up?”

  “They are.” Right on cue, my mom and Mr. Bartley exit his classroom. He is carrying her, her legs wrapped around his waist and they are necking furiously. Okay, they’re just walking side by side, but with the intimate laughter they’re sharing, they might as well be.

  Emma mumbles, “Oh . . . ” And we all stand there silently as my mom and her lover move toward the exit. I want to disappear, to dissolve into a pile of salt. This is too humiliating to live through! But they’re almost gone. If I can just endure the next few seconds, my mom and Dave will have left the building. I’ll swear Emma, Leah, and Raj to secrecy, and when I get home tonight, I’ll talk to my mom about waiting for Mr. Bartley in the car from now on.