Family Secrets

by Lane, Jenny

  “Yes - oh, yes, please,” she breathed, blue eyes shining.

  There was a resounding cheer from the direction of the garden gate as he kissed her.

  Looking up, they saw a sea of grinning faces.

  “Aunty Tish said you’d be here…If you’re getting married, can I be a bridesmaid?” asked Katie.

  Rhia bent down to the little girl’s level.

  “You certainly can, because you’ve just given me such a good idea.”

  She walked to Letitia’s side and threw an arm about the elderly lady’s shoulder.

  “How would it be if I called you, Grandma Tish?”

  Letitia Delroy beamed. “That would be just fine, my darling grand-daughter.”

  If you enjoyed Family Secrets by Jenny Lane, you may be interested in Relative Strangers by Chrissie Loveday, also published by Endeavour Press.

  Extract from Relative Strangers by Chrissie Loveday

  Chapter One

  The pain was excruciating. Why hadn’t anyone told her? A new wave came over her and she screamed.

  ‘Now then, it isn’t that bad. Just breathe through it. Come on now.’

  ‘You have no idea what I’m going through,’ Jemima snapped. ‘Masochist.’ She lay back, having got over that cycle.

  ‘Good girl. Relax until the next one comes.’

  The midwife was doing something to her down below, where she couldn’t see. She felt a new surge of pain starting.

  ‘Oh God, here it goes again. How much long...’ She stopped as the agony took hold of her again. She tried so hard not to scream and bit her tongue with the effort.

  ‘Good. One more like that and you’ll be ready to push. I’m going away for a few minutes now. If another one comes before I’m back, just breathe through it.’ The woman left her. She lifted her head slightly looking round the room. It was bleak. Yes, that was the word for it. Bleak. White paint and nothing on the walls to cheer them up. Hygiene she assumed. The bed she was lying on, called the delivery couch, was hard as nails. Her feet were suspended in some device leaving all her private parts open for anyone to see. The next contraction was coming and she flopped back. As she was alone in the room, she screamed. It seemed to help and nobody came in to tell her off. Then she felt as if she was longing to go to the toilet. Oh my god she thought, I really need the lavatory. What ever could she do? She felt the next one coming. What had the woman said? Push. She did so and felt herself peeing. Too bad. The midwife shouldn’t have left her alone. She pushed and pushed like she had never done before. The door opened and the midwife came back in.

  ‘Now let’s see how you’re doing. Have you been pushing?’ she asked in an accusing way.

  ‘You said I should push with the next contraction. So I did.’

  ‘You need control my girl. I’ll tell you when to push.’

  ‘You weren’t here. I’m afraid I went to the toilet.’

  ‘So I see. Okay, push now,’ she said as her next contraction started. ‘Easy now. You

  don’t want to tear.’

  The next few minutes went by in a flood of pain and then relief as the baby was born. The midwife took it and wrapped it in a blanket, leaving Jemima lying on the couch. She felt a new contraction beginning, this time a mild one. Had she got another baby in there? She pushed again and something slid out.

  ‘Help me someone. Please ...’ She was sobbing. She wanted to see her baby but the midwife had taken it away. It. Was it a boy or girl? The midwife came back into the room. ‘Something else came out,’ she told the woman.

  ‘Afterbirth. That’s all.’

  ‘So where is my baby?’

  ‘You mustn’t worry about him. He’s safe.’

  ‘When can I see him?’

  ‘Best not.’

  ‘Best not? Whatever do you mean?’

  ‘You’re best not to see him. Can’t have you getting attached, now can we?’

  ‘Why not? I gave birth to him didn’t I? What’s wrong with him?’

  ‘Nothing. He’s fine. We shall look after him and find him some good parents. You can go home in a day or two. You’ve had an easy birth. Be grateful for that anyway.’

  ‘You call that easy? It was sheer hell.’

  ‘I’ll be back in a few minutes to wash you off. Just lie there for a while.’

  ‘But I want to see my baby,’ Jemima screamed. ‘My beautiful baby boy. I want my baby.’ She fell into crying and felt as if her life was over. Why on earth had she done it? Why had she had sex with that boy? He was handsome and he had told her everyone was doing it nowadays.

  ‘Come on love. It’s so easy. You know you want to, don’t you?’

  ‘Well, all right then. If you’re sure.’

  They’d left the dance and gone outside. He’d led her round the back of the dance hall and pulled her knickers down.

  ‘Stop a minute. What if someone comes round here?’

  ‘They won’t. Come on now.’ She felt him hard against her and he kissed her. She grew wet and a strange feeling stemmed from the bottom of her tummy. He threw her knickers to the ground and fumbled with his zip. His penis was huge as he pushed it into her. She felt sick but he continued to pump until suddenly, he came. A sticky mess slid down her legs. ‘Oh darling, you’re the best,’ he mumbled. ‘Now pull your knickers back up.’

  Was that it, she wondered? Was that what it was all about?

  Jemima lay on the bed, her legs now released from their supports. The midwife had returned and washed her off with something that smelt disinfectanty.

  ‘Have you got your nightie?’

  ‘It’s in my room. You gave me this thing to wear when I was back there.’

  ‘Oh yes. Okay. Well, you’d better go back there and put it on. There’s a pad for you to wear. I’ll give you a bandage to fasten it. Get up now.’ Feeling wobbly, she rose from the birthing couch and stood hanging onto to it for a moment. The midwife fastened a bandage round her middle and hooked the sani pad to it. ‘Right. Off you go.’

  Tottering along the corridor and back to her room, she felt as if her life was concentrated into a mess that was down below her, somewhere. She was walking bow-legged. And where was her baby? She looked at several doors as she went along the corridor. Was he in there? Behind one of those doors? She hesitated and pushed one open. It was store cupboard. She pushed open the next one and the next one but her baby boy, Jacob as she was going to call him, was not there. Feeling very teary, she went back into the room she shared with four other mothers. One of them was only just starting her labour.

  ‘What did you have then?’ one of them asked.

  ‘A boy, I was told. I never got to see him.’

  ‘That’s how it always is. Some places let you see them for a few days before they go. Here, they take them away straight away. I know my sister said it was like that for her. I didn’t mind. I never wanted mine anyway. Glad to see the back of it.’

  ‘I didn’t realise they took them away straight off. Where do they go?’

  ‘They have a list of people who want them. So, how old are you anyway?’

  ‘Fifteen. Sixteen next week actually.’

  ‘So you couldn’t have kept it could you?’

  ‘My Mum would have helped me. Well, I think she might have.’

  ‘Not if she sent you down here. It’s known for its quick turnaround. I’m going home tomorrow. They won’t want you here for long either. I bet they’ll be sending you back in a day or two.’

  The other girl who was starting labour began to cry.

  ‘I never realised it would hurt this much.’

  ‘It won’t take you too long, I’m sure.’ Jemima wanted to help the girl but simply didn’t know what to say. ‘Have you told them you’ve started?’

  ‘Not yet. I thought I needed to be well on the way.’

  ‘I’ll call someone for you.’ She went to the door and yelled. No need to be polite any more. She was going home soon. ‘Come in here quick. Maggie is giving birth.’

>   A midwife came in.

  ‘Lie on your bed dear. I’ll examine you.’ In front of the others in the room, she hitched the girls pants down and stuck her fingers into the girl. ‘Yes. You’re well underway. I’ll get you a gown and then you can follow me along to the delivery room.’

  ‘Good luck,’ called the others.

  Two days later, still grieving over what she saw as the loss of her baby, Jemima was sent home. She sat on the train, wanting to cry, but the carriage was full of normal looking people who would never have understood. She surreptitiously wiped away the tears and hoped her parents would be meeting her.

  The train stopped and she picked up her travelling bag. She could see her mother waiting on the platform. She almost ran along, or she would have done if she wasn’t so sore, and flung her arms round her mother.

  ‘Thanks for coming to meet me, Mum. It was so awful.’

  ‘Yes, well you knew what would happen. Come on or we’ll miss the bus.’ She set off at quite a pace with Jemima struggling to keep up. The bus was waiting outside the station.

  ‘One and a half to Mursely Street,’ she said to the conductor.

  ‘Is she a half?’ he asked suspiciously.

  ‘Course she is. I know my daughter.’

  ‘Well, I’ll take your word for it this time. She looks older than sixteen.’

  Jemima kept silent. When the conductor left them, she said,

  ‘I was sixteen last week. In case you’d forgotten.’

  ‘I remembered. Your auntie sent you a card. I’ve got one for you at home too. But why pay full fare for you? Waste of money, so close to your birthday and all.’

  She sat looking out of the window at the familiar streets. Her own nightmare was over.

  ‘Do they know what happened at school?’

  ‘They think you’ve had glandular fever. You’ll be going back next term. Your exams will be starting soon. I hope you continued your studies while you were away.’

  ‘I tried but it wasn’t easy. Perhaps they’ll give me some extra help.’

  ‘I doubt you’ll get anything extra after what you did.’

  ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ she whispered.

  ‘You must have known what you were doing. Let’s hear nothing more about it. Your father certainly doesn’t want to hear any more.’

  ‘You haven’t even asked me what I had.’

  ‘It was a baby wasn’t it? That’s it now. No more mention of it. It’s all in the past.’

  To Jemima, it was never going to be in the past. Night after night she cried herself to sleep, missing ‘Jacob’. Would she ever get over losing him? She doubted it very much. The boy she’d had sex with had moved away. She would never see him again.

  Chapter Two

  ‘I really think Joe is the one,’ Rachel told her mother. ‘He hasn’t asked me yet, but I think he will.’

  ‘Don’t rush into anything till you’re sure.’ Jemima suddenly thought of her own teenage years and the son she had lost. Forty-four years ago. She could hardly believe it was so long ago. She’d tried hard to push the memories into the background but every now and then, when she was walking along the street, she’d look at forty-four year old men and wonder.

  ‘Oh I won’t. Don’t worry Mum. We’re going to be fine. You do like him don’t you?’

  ‘Who Joe? Of course. Your Dad and I think he’s great. Not quite good enough for our little girl of course, but possibly the best you can find.’

  ‘Mum,’ she said. ‘I’m glad you like him though.’

  ‘Would it make any difference if we didn’t?’

  Her daughter paused for several minutes, frowning in her concentration.

  ‘I really don’t know. Of course I’d listen to what you were saying but then, ...’

  ‘You’d go ahead anyway.’

  ‘But it doesn’t apply, does it? You’ve already said you like Joe. Right I’m going to get ready. He’s taking me motor racing today. I need to be ready for when he gets here.’ She raced upstairs and began to turn out her wardrobe. She needed to be smart but casual. She tried on several outfits before deciding on grey trousers and an almost matching grey jacket. With a red polo neck top underneath it, she looked pretty. She brushed her long dark hair and clipped it back. She pulled on her black ankle boots and with a smear of lipstick and she was all set. Maybe she might need a coat? She grabbed her anorak and hoped she wouldn’t need it.

  ‘Right Mum. How do I look?’

  ‘You look lovely dear. No sign of Joe yet, though. I don’t s’pose he’ll be long. I need to go and do some shopping. Your Dad will be back from fishing later and will expect a meal waiting. I’m assuming you two will be feeding yourselves?’

  ‘Oh yes, some nice unhealthy burgers or something. Oh, there’s Joe driving in now. I’ll see you later. Don’t wait up.’

  ‘Bye love. Have fun.’

  She ran down their drive clutching her anorak and her bag.

  ‘Hallo you. You look nice.’ Joe leaned over to kiss her. ‘You all set then?’

  ‘Oh yes. I hope it won’t be too cold out on the course.’

  ‘I’ve got tickets for one of the stands. You do realise it’s only the time trials today? But there should be plenty to see. They’re fighting for positions for the big race tomorrow.’

  ‘So how far is it?’

  ‘Probably take us an hour and a half. We need to be there as soon as possible. Is everything okay at home?’

  ‘Yes thanks. Fine. Dad’s gone fishing as usual on a Saturday and Mum’s going shopping. Riveting isn’t it?’

  ‘Don’t be like that. You might find yourself in a similar situation at some point.’ He was smiling as he spoke but she sensed a warning. They would never be like her parents, would they? She smiled back at him and settled back in her seat. She wondered about her parents’ past. She could lay bets on the fact that her parents had never been to a motor race.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts?’

  ‘I was just thinking about my parents. They are possibly the most boring parents in the entire world. I bet they’ve never even been to a motor race day like this. I’m really looking forward to it.’

  ‘So am I. And don’t be unkind about your parents. They are lovely. Conventional perhaps, but certainly not boring. Not like mine are anyway.’

  Rachel said no more. She didn’t think Joe’s parents were boring in anyway. Their house was always filled with laughter and noise. His two brothers made sure of that. They all looked alike with their blondish hair and blue eyes. Joe was taller than both of them and he was the perfect height for her. They were both younger than him and always teased her when she went round to their place, suggesting they were a much more suitable match for her than their brother, despite being about five years his junior. Her own home by comparison was calm and always peaceful. There were advantages to both places.

  ‘Oh dear. Looks like we’re hitting the traffic now. It’s going to be a long drawn out wait.’ Joe was cross and sat strumming on the steering wheel.

  ‘Do you want some water?’

  ‘Please.’ She passed him the bottle while they were standing still. ‘Thanks. I think we’re about to move again.’ He gave her the bottle back and she screwed the cap on.

  It took almost an hour to find a parking place and Joe was angry. She tried to keep him calm but it was clear they had missed quite a bit of the activity.

  ‘They should refund me half the cost of the wretched tickets. They charge enough for them in the first place. Come on. It’s through here.’ He grabbed her hand and almost dragged her through the turn style.

  At last they found their seats and tried to catch up on what was happening. Rachel didn’t really understand any of it but she smiled and made comments when asked. Joe was well into the whole scene and shouted out loud every now and then. She was hungry and needed to pee.

  ‘I’m going to find the loo,’ she told him. ‘Do you fancy a burger if I can find one?’

  ‘If you like. Go man
, get past him.’ He wasn’t really listening to her so she went off alone.

  It was all pretty mad around here, she thought. There were fanatics of motor racing everywhere. She found the loo and then went in search of food. She had to walk for ages and hoped she would find her way back. Clutching her bag of food, she went back into the stadium and looked for Joe. She couldn’t see him anywhere and realised she was in the wrong section. Feeling almost tearful she tried several different entrances with total failure. She stood and ate her burger and began to feel better. Then logic took over and she set off once more to find her boyfriend.

  ‘Sorry to be so long. I got lost,’ she said as she sat down again. ‘Here’s your burger. I’m afraid it’s possibly a little on the cold side.’

  ‘No worries. Are you all right?’

  ‘I’m fine now. I did get a bit scared when I couldn’t find you.’

  The rest of the day passed with Joe happily cheering and falling silent when his team were no longer in the running for pole position. Rachel was fairly bored but said nothing, happy to be with the man she loved. At last, things drew to a close.

  ‘That was great, wasn’t it?’ Joe asked her. He put his arm round her and kissed her enthusiastically.

  ‘Fine,’ she replied, hoping he didn’t realise how bored she’d been feeling.

  ‘Shame I couldn’t get tickets for the real thing tomorrow. Still, we can watch the highlights on television. Are you ready to go now?’

  ‘Certainly am. I suppose there’ll be massive queues to get home now.’

  ‘You’re right. Perhaps we should find something to eat here?’

  ‘Maybe we can stop somewhere on the way home? I doubt there’s anything more than burgers or similar.’

  ‘Okay. We’ll hit the road for home.’ His arm was round her as they walked along. ‘I’ll stop on the way out for a pee, though.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll do the same.’

  They went to their respective toilets and once she had waited in the queue for her turn, Rachel came out. Joe wasn’t waiting for her so she stood near the entrance waiting. Several men came out and looked at her. She stood awkwardly, horribly aware of waiting in such an obvious place. She walked a little way away and stood in sight of the toilet block. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. She was beginning to get edgy. Where on earth was he? Twenty minutes and she was getting worried. After half an hour, she stopped someone as they came out and asked if her friend was in there.