Pancakes Taste Like Poverty: And Other Post-Divorce Revelations

by Jessica Vivian

  I just feel really full, and solid, and clear, and sharp, and powerful right now.

  I’m not sure if I would have gotten to this place had I not endured loneliness for a little while. I didn’t run from my demons. I wasn’t driven by insecurity to hurry up and couple up. I set a damn table for my Issues, served ‘em tea and got well-acquainted until the demons and Issues weren’t the scaries banging at the door or the creepies that came out in dark times.

  I knew them by name.

  “Alone” just doesn’t scare me anymore. Not now and not even when I look into the distant future. The way I feel toward romance is the way I feel toward a pair of pink Converse. I’d really like to have it but I’m not exactly looking, and if I never get it I won’t care that much. This finally feels more like a truth than a defense mechanism. But the ultimate reality about dating right now is this:

  I absolutely have no room to nurture and water new relationships while I’m not even able to support me and mine independently. And to be frank, I don’t feel I’ve earned that room. And that’s okay. I am comfortable with that.

  I have plenty of “me time.”

  I have plenty of relationships that nourish me.

  I’d love to spend time with new people but, if it isn’t easy and low-maintenance, then later for it.

  A new romantic relationship is a time-suck. It requires a lot of resources.

  I don’t have those things right now.

  That said, of course I know that, despite my Spock-like love of rationality and cost/benefit calculations, sometimes life is just random. I am open to the idea of a relationship. But (Inner Spock won’t relent) given my lack of availability, I don’t see it happening.

  Right now I’m the ringleader of a traveling circus. If a man sees my dazzling, spectacular show and can run real fast and hop on the train I’d be happy to accommodate him as long as he’s willing to do some work. But the show must go on, and this train doesn’t make special stops…

  Tomorrow I am going to a friend’s house. Fellow single parents and our kids will get together to celebrate our singleness. Only this time, it’s not irony. I’m not jealous of my friends in relationships. I really celebrate my singleness. Jessica Vivian 2.0 is here and I’m wild and fierce and brave and clear and sharp and dangerous and slippery and unstoppable.

  All by my big girl self.

  The End

  Afterword

  Hey there, friend.

  So, I bet you're wondering how things turned out.

  Well, I'm still single though I have been on a few dates. It's still not a priority to me right now but I have certainly softened to the idea.

  I did make it back into college! Yay!!!

  I was only able to pay for two classes but those two classes are going well. Once my GPA is up I'll be able to apply for Financial Aid and go full steam.

  One amazing thing happened, though!

  I settled on a TESOL program (this is so I can teach English abroad) and couldn't afford it. I'd helped a lot of single moms over the last few years and decided to just go out on a limb and see if anyone would help me. I made a fundraiser site and shared it on Facebook. Then, later that morning I was playing with a friend's deck of Tarot cards and picked the Wheel of Fortune.

  When I checked my fundraiser site that evening I'd raised the 2K I needed to get my TESOL program started.

  How d'ya like dem apples?

  As for my blog, I closed it shortly after that last chapter. I just got tired of talking about myself, frankly. I was tired of my own voice. I had nothing to say. The blog was about sharing my feelings and started to be about feeding my ego. I felt like I was regressing. Everything is moving forward and I'm trying to be less cerebral and more action-oriented. So it had to go.

  Looking back over those years I am most taken by the amount of spontaneous love being exchanged. People, without any logical reason, just sharing and giving in love. Single-parents wrote me and said “I wish I had a community like yours in my town!” and I'd always respond with “So make one!”

  “How?” they always asked and really I had no answer. I'd suggest just asking their friends over to get real but not until now did I truly understand what makes it happen.

  Vulnerability.

  By putting my junk out there so freely, I made myself vulnerable.

  Being vulnerable is a lot like being the first one on the dance floor at prom – which I was, with my friend Elizabeth, off to the side a bit where no one would really notice but visible enough.

  If the goal of the evening is having a good time, someone has to get the party started.

  It feels really icky and alone and awkward. Everyone is just looking at you.

  I knew we looked like the weird girls. I mean, we were weird girls. That's a whole other book...

  But eventually someone joined in. And someone else. And someone else.

  Before you know it, it's a sho nuff party. No one remembers or cares who got on the dance floor first, or how awkward they were, or whether or not they could dance. They are just relieved they didn't have to go first and grateful the fun is happening before it's too late and we all have to go home.

  Connecting is kind of like that.

  I wanted to connect and help people. I wanted support.

  So I put my junk out there first. And other people joined me. And someone else. And someone else until communities were built and connections were made.

  I'm sure people were relieved and grateful for the communities, even if they were temporary.

  Now is the time for me to say thanks to all my peeps.

  I'd like to thank all my volunteer editors: Simon, Toyia, Carrieann, Rachel, Aimee and Michelle. I'd like to thank Chris for being a really stellar best friend and for the picture of the pancakes because you know I'm not making any.

  I'd like to thank the Wolfpack, current and former and all over the place, for just being the most powerful, electric, gentle, complex, multifaceted bunch of broads I've ever encountered.

  I'd like to thank the Sistas Without Mistas across the globe. We got dis.

  I'd like to thank My MOM!!! You have NEVER EVER EVER EVER let me fall on my face. You have always believed in me, even when I don't and even when maybe I don't deserve it, ha!

  I'd like to thank my sister. You're the brains of this operation. How we haven't driven you mad is beyond me.

  I'd like to thank a certain blog reader who donated the money to help me apply to more colleges. Just....thank you so much for believing in me.

  I'd like to thank Papa, Vicky and Amanda for being cool.

  I'd like to thank My Dad and Stepmom, Carly for all the pep talks and listening ears.

  I'd like to thank my ex-husband most of all. I don't know why we crossed paths. Perhaps it was only to facilitate the inclusion of those three little souls on this Earth. But thank you for that. And I hope, from the deepest depths of my soul, you get what you need so that you can have peace and believe in yourself. Despite everything, I root for you.

  And I'd like to thank my amazing babies. Jaya the Wise, Jack the Gentle, Jordis The Snuggly.

  I love you all to the moon and back.

  J.Viv