Crown's Chance at Love

by Mayra Statham

  “Patrick this is Mike. Mike this is Patrick, a friend of Sean’s.” I introduce them, feeling awkward and slightly uncomfortable.

  They mumble hey and hello to each other, both frowning, almost scowling at one another. As I look at them, I feel like somehow I am missing something. The feeling of something not making sense or adding up washes over me, but I try to shrug it off. I try to ignore the tension in the room. I’m not sure if it’s Mike’s reaction to Sean’s friend or the fact that I need to confront Mike with what I found in his office. Mike breaks the silence.

  “So what is it your are doing here?” he asks a little rudely.

  “Mike!” I exclaim, surprised at how he would talk to one of Sean’s friends this way.

  “No, it’s okay Sabrina…” Patrick says and I watch him stand and fidget a little then look back at Mike. Something keeps nagging at me in the back of my mind. Why does Patrick look so familiar.

  “Patrick, have I met you before?” I ask. “I’m so sorry if I didn’t recognize you.”

  “No. We haven’t… Sabrina…” Patrick starts to say.

  “I think you should go.” Mike growls sternly and I frown at him. Mike had never behaved this way with someone new, at least not in front of me.

  “Mike, look, can you go wait for me in my office?” I scowl at him and he looks at me. Worry fills his eyes as the anger filters out.

  “Sabrina…” he starts to say, but Patrick puts his hand out.

  “Please Mike.” Running his fingers through his hair, Patrick takes a deep breath. I can’t understand the what Mike would have against this guy. But now something starts to click as I look back and forth from Mike to Patrick; a cold chill hits my spine.

  Something feels off.

  Really, really off.

  “Do you know one another?” I ask as I take in Patrick and Mike looking at one another. Patrick sighs rubbing the back of his neck very similar to the way that Mike does when he is trying to figure out how to word things. Oh God!

  “Sabrina, I have been in AA for three years, doing a 12 step program. Sabrina, I hurt a lot of people when I was drinking…”

  “Pat,” Mike growls and I look at Mike. His body is strung tight, hands in tight fists, his knuckles white, but it is his face that confuses me. A mix between seriously pissed and worried drapes his face clearly, and I can’t figure out why.

  My body screams that something is happening, and it is bad. Really bad.

  Taking in everything at once is difficult. My brain for some reason can’t process what is happening and for the life of me I can’t understand Mike’s reaction to a complete stranger. My thoughts feel as if they are processing everything in slow motion.

  “Like I was saying I hurt a lot of people when I was drinking, and one of the steps in my program is to make amends.” His voice is full of regret and sadness, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

  I look at him. I really look at Patrick. Regret and sadness fill his eyes. There is something rough around the edges about him. My heart sinks to the floor feeling as if cement mix has been put into my bloodstream as something starts to make sense. My mouth is dry, and my head is slightly dizzy.

  “You… you were the driver,” I whisper holding onto the back of the dark leather recliner I happen to be standing in front of. The cool leather on my hands, I swallow hard trying to ward off the bile coming up.

  “The night before I had been partying really hard. So much I don’t really remember a lot about that night. I don’t think I slept at all. I just kept drinking and popping pills. That morning, I got a phone call,” he says his gaze going to Mike and I feel like I am still missing a part of something bigger going on in front of me. “I had to be somewhere later that day, and I had to drive. I was high off my ass on pills mixed with alcohol,” I hear him say, but too many things are running through my mind.

  This guy standing in front of me killed Sean.

  The guy who I had been trying not to picture in my mind all these years, was right in front of me. In my home. I can’t breath and neither of them has even noticed. The walls feel like they are somehow slowly closing in on me, and the room is a little warmer. Neither of them surprisingly notice this, and Patrick just keeps talking.

  “I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, my life was crap. I was mad at life and having lost my mom… not that those are excuses. I got in the car when I shouldn’t have. If I could take that day back I would. I killed Sean and his partner that morning.” I close my eyes and try to breathe in deep. I felt like I was going to throw up.

  Everything crushing through me. I close my eyes, memories I had kept away, like waves one crashing after another of my life with Sean, ending on the night before. Like a movie playing in my mind.

  I’d had a PTA meeting that had lasted way too long the night before, but Sean hadn’t minded. He had even told me to go get coffee with a girlfriend of mine, One of Mark’s friend’s mom. He understood me wanting to be involved. He wanted to be involved. He was the most involved dad I had ever met. He did career day at both Mark and Penny s kindergarten class. He was Mark’s baseball coach. He always had Chris sitting next to him, teaching him about football, even though Chris was only three.He loved his kids. God he loved me.

  I walked into our living room, and I remember not minding the mess. For the first time in a while I hadn’t minded the over abundance of toys, books and crayons scattered on the floor. I remember looking at him, his long lean body laying on his back on our sage green couch, only thinking how damn sexy he looked with our youngest completely asleep over his chest. Sean’s hand protective on his small back.

  I watched as Sean opened his eyes, giving me one of his sexy lazy smiles.

  “Couldn’t put him down?” I asked smiling at him.

  “Na… he had a bad dream. No more Lion King and licorice before bed,” he said smiling. Not one ounce of frustration in his voice. He loved being a dad. I shook my head at him as I walked over to turn off UP.

  UP had been playing that night. How could I have forgotten that?

  Walking into our bedroom after Sean put Chris to bed, we talked about the PTA meeting and what to do during the weekend.

  “The zoo would be fun.”

  “Yeah but the weather is supposed to be a little grey.”

  “We will put them in rain boots and rain jackets and load up with umbrellas. Come on it’ll be fun,” he had suggested and I gave in. He kissed me.

  It was one of those small and sweet good night kisses that you took for granted. Everyday kisses that you could shrug off at the moment but in the long run meant something. meant everything. I didn’t know that would have been one of the last kisses he gave me. If I would have known that it was one of the last kisses he would have ever given me I would have taken my time… I would have… it didn’t matter though. I hadn’t known. I thought I had the forever we vowed and I took the time that was given to us for granted.

  I remember feeling him get out of bed that morning, hearing the quiet shuffle of him getting ready, but I was so tired I didn’t want to open my eyes. God why didn’t I open them? How many times since he died had I wondered that? Had I regretted not opening my eyes to watch him get ready? I opened my eyes when he kissed my forehead goodbye and I whispered be safe.

  Be safe…what a fucking joke. A couple of hours later…he was gone. Gone forever. Gone from our life together, gone from our kids life. From this world just….gone. The memory of opening the door to two faceless police officers so vivid and painful all at the same time.

  Remembering everything made it feel new. Like the wound had never really healed and salt water had been thrown on top of it making it agonizingly painful. Biting the inside of my lip hard I close my eyes to try to stay in control to fight away the overwhelming feelings that are all crashing around me. I try to remain calm and collected so I don’t completely break down into body shaking sobs. Finally I open my eyes not sure of how long I had been gripping onto the recliner for dear life. How could this pa
in in my heart be so alive? Looking around the room my gaze lands on Mike.

  Mike.

  Looking at him balms the excruciating pain, but at the same time adds other feelings. I feel like an idiot. The first time I had gone and put myself out there romantically I had somehow roped in a weirdo that had files filled with pictures of the kids and I in his office.

  I look at Patrick and something about his eyes catches my attention. His eyes told so much and nothing at all… just like…

  Oh God. Just like Mike.

  Suddenly my legs feel heavier and my heart feels like it has sunk to my toes. They DO know one another.

  “Patrick… What is your last name?” I somehow calmly ask as I look directly at Mike. Mike’s eyes are filled with worry and his face is pale. I know what he is going to say, but I need to hear the words. Everything suddenly is somehow making sense, like pieces of a puzzle falling into one another…

  “Patrick Evans Crown,” he whispers.

  They were related. Mike was related to the guy who killed Sean. He had known who I was when I thought I had met a complete stranger. A stranger who I had slept next to and had messed around with. I am going to be sick.

  “Sabrina I am incredibly sorry for what I did that day. If I could go back or somehow switch places I would. I want you to know that I have been sober for three years. I was released early. I wanted to apologize to you, to try to make amends. I know you might never forgive me, and I can live with that. But if there is ever anything I can do…”

  “Is that why you have been writing to me?” I ask so softly I am surprised he hears me as I look at him.

  Now that I know they are somehow related it hits me how similar they look. No wonder I had thought Patrick had looked familiar when I had first laid eyes on him. He almost looked like a younger, rougher, tanner version of Mike. His eyes were stormy and guilt ridden. God I felt like such an idiot. Mike had been lying to me. Mike had known who I was when we met.

  “Yes,” he says looking right at me.

  The honesty in his eyes, the sincerity of his words made it hard to let myself give in to what my mind wanted my heart to feel. I should be able to hate him for killing Sean. I just don’t have it in me. I can’t hate him. Sean wouldn’t have wanted me to have those feelings towards anyone. Even if that person had ripped my life to shreds. A huge part of me is glad that he had got the help he needed. I just wish he could have done it before ripping my heart apart when he had caused the accident that killed my husband. My best friend. Oh God Sean. What do I do? I think to myself.

  Then I remembered something Mike had once said to me, “I have a half brother”.

  It wasn’t that the two men standing in front of me were somehow distantly related. No. Mike and the guy who killed Sean were brothers.

  “You two are brothers,” I say, more of a confirmation than question, and watch Patrick nod. I can’t get myself to look over at Mike. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. A wave of nausea hits me, but I won’t fall apart right now. I can’t. I have to keep my wits about me. I can’t fall apart. I rub my face and look at Patrick.

  “You’re sober now?” I ask seriously.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you plan on staying that way?” I ask as seriously and as unaffected as I can sound.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. I’m glad you were able to get the help you needed. That was one thing I hoped for, for the person who had been driving that day. That they would get help. Stay sober. Go to meetings,” I say, my eyes never leaving his, never even blinking, and he nods.

  “Good. Now if you don’t mind, please leave. Seems like your brother and I need to talk,” I say as calmly and politely as possible. He nods, his eyes sad almost like he wants to say more, but he thankfully doesn’t. I don’t think I could handle anything else Patrick Crown had to say.

  Nodding he walks out, and I can hear him close the front door behind him.

  Sabrina

  I turn to face the window, watching him leave my house and get into a little silver Honda Civic that had been waiting for him. A pretty redhead is in the car with him and I watch as they drive away. To my surprise I’m not completely frozen.

  When Sean had died I had been completely frozen on the inside.

  Yet right now in the light of who had killed him and who I was dating, my heart is pounding in my eardrums. My toes feel like they are made of cast iron. I feel like I am going to throw up.

  But I’m not frozen.

  I’m not broken.

  Sean’s killer was Mike’s brother.

  Mike had known who I was from the start. I had started to fall in love with him. No, I was already in love with him.

  DAMN HIM!

  Why would he do this to me? I feel like such an idiot.

  So many thoughts are rolling in my mind, whizzing by a hundred miles a minute and I know he is watching me. I can feel his eyes warming my back, but I can’t look at him, not yet. I feel like I am going to fall apart. I feel like I am somehow flailing in the wind with nothing to hold on to. With my back to him, I finally break the silence.

  “Is this why I found two files on the kids and I in your office today?” I ask and I hear him curse under his breath.

  “Yes,” he says gruffly and I chuckle. A little relief flows out of me.

  At least he isn’t some kind of weirdo with a weird obsession with us.

  I turn around to look at him. I’m not even sure what I feel.

  He is so heartbreakingly handsome. His face is clearly worried. I know it is taking everything in him not to come to me, I can see it in his face. I am glad he didn’t. I can never think clearly with him around me too close.

  I am completely torn.

  Part of me wants to yell and slap him for lying to me and the other part wants to melt into his arms while he reassures me it will all workout. Because if I am honest with myself, I don’t want to lose him. Even now that I know the truth. I finally know what Mike has been holding back. I finally know what has kept him from letting me completely in.

  “Why?” is all I can muster up to ask. One silly little word for so many questions.

  “The first one, it was just routine, for Patrick’s trial. His attorneys recommended it. The second one, shit babe…” he says gruffly running his fingers through his hair. “He had kept asking about you. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t causing you problems,” he answers quickly and honestly, almost like ripping off a band aid.

  “So when we met, was that all a set up? Was this all a game to you?” I ask turning to face him.

  “Yes and No. It’s not what you think.” He rubs his face and looks at me.

  “He had been asking a lot about you. Wanting me to come in contact with you, to ask you if you could go talk to him. I honestly just wanted to make sure he wasn’t causing problems for you.”

  “So you lied to me,” I say feeling so utterly tired.

  I have been an idiot. Such a dumb idiot.

  He hadn’t wanted me the way I had wanted him. He had just wanted to make sure his brother wasn’t causing problems. He had lied from the start. All those late night calls to the lonely single mom, he must think I am such a joke.

  “Sabrina…” He starts to come closer to me, but I put my arm up.

  “Don’t. Stay there. When you are close I can’t think straight,” I say honestly.

  “Baby…”

  “Don’t baby me Mike. So all this? What was this? Why the games and charades?” I ask starting to get angry. How could he have done this? I was in love with him and it had been all a lie. He had played me.

  “You hadn’t wanted to know about him. I respected that.”

  “REALLY! You respected that? Is that why you had a private investigator find things out about me? About the kids? Do you have any idea what ran through my mind when I found those files in your office?” he winces as I yell at him, but I don’t care.

  “Bab… Sabrina… Let me explain.”

  “Jesus Mike! I thought you were
some kind of sick weirdo! I was scared for us. I made Emmi take the kids tonight because I knew you were going to be coming over. I figured you had been lying about who you were, but all this!” I keep yelling, too much inside of me is bursting out. Anger. Confusion. Hurt.

  “Baby… Please, let me explain?…”

  “Why? Why would I believe you? Everything has been a lie! Was it to get back at me? For not wanting to know anything about Patrick and the accident?”

  “No,” he says gravely and I can tell he is starting to get angry. At the situation or me, I’m not sure, and I‘m not sure I even care. “Granted if you had known about him, this situation would have been easier…”

  “I didn’t want to hate him MIKE!” I yell, everything inside of me starting to bubble over. “I didn’t want to hate who had…. who had killed Sean. I knew he was drunk… but I figured someone who was drunk at 8:30 in the freaking morning had a serious problem. More than someone who let’s say wasn’t thinking and got in the car after more than two glasses of wine after dinner. I was angry at them, but I didn’t want that anger to consume me. Knowing myself, knowing how I handle things, I handled it the best way I knew so I could live in peace with myself. THAT’S why I didn’t want to know about him. Not because I had my head in the sand like everyone thought! I couldn’t hate Patrick, I felt sorry for him. I knew the driver had been young and had a serious problem. But even knowing that, he had taken someone from me. Sean was …” I take a deep breath trying not to shed the tears that are all but trying to escape.

  “He was my everything… and in an instant because of someones bad choice, it all disappeared.” The tears I have been holding back start to roll down my face and I can hardly stand to look at Mike.

  “I couldn’t feel anything after he died. Nothing! Do you know how horrible that was? To have someone taken from you and not know how to feel or react? I didn’t know which way was up or down. I didn’t even cry until Nick pushed me too, and that was eleven days later Mike! ELEVEN days I was completely dead inside! I held my kids night after night as they cried, grieving their dad, but I couldn’t. Mark cried so bad he shook, but I couldn’t react. Chris was little and didn’t understand what was happening, but he could feel it. Penny lost her dad, who was like a hero to her, and as my girl cried herself to sleep in my arms, I had nothing in me. I couldn’t cry, I was just frozen and dead inside. Yet even then I KNEW I didn’t want to be filled with hate towards the person who had taken him away! Sean wouldn’t have wanted me to live that way! He was a good man. One moment he was holding Chris because he’d had a bad dream and in less than twelve fucking hours he was GONE! He was just gone!” I yell at him.