The Surprise of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “C’mon, we’re at least allowed to run! The track and field team’s not good at anything else, anyway, and we’re running in service of a higher goal. It’ll only be for today, and we’re not even really in the way, and as North High students we have as much right as anyone to use the field. Any objections?”

  About a tenth of a second after she finished her rapid-fire questioning—

  “No? Good. Well, then—”

  The assembled track team didn’t even have time to reply before Haruhi gave the signal to her would-be minions. It was very simple.

  “Ready, go!” she said as she went flying off, leaving behind the stunned freshmen, who hadn’t even been told what they had to do.

  “What are you doing? Hurry up and follow me!” Haruhi’s strident voice jolted them from their petrification, and they started chasing down her gym-uniform-clad form as she headed down the track. Going by Haruhi’s pace, this wasn’t going to be a sprint—oh right, it was a marathon.

  But just how many thousands of meters was she going to make them run? She hadn’t even brought a stopwatch.

  That said, it was a good thing the final test was a simple marathon.

  “I’m just glad I didn’t have to find a hundred and one hamsters,” I murmured, sitting down at the top of the steps and looking down at the field. Haruhi shouted to encourage the flagging freshmen, winging her way ahead like some kind of sheepdog.

  Koizumi narrowed his eyes and watched, gracing me with a response. “It wouldn’t be impossible, but I doubt they’re a particularly significant object in Suzumiya’s mind.”

  “What would you have done if Haruhi really had wanted that to happen?”

  Koizumi held his palms facing upward, as though feeling the weight of some object. “Of course I would have done everything in my power to collect them. I’d call up all the shops in the chain of pet stores my associate runs. They’re charming little creatures, hamsters are.”

  Yeah, as long as you didn’t pack a hundred and one of them into a box. We weren’t practicing kodoku magic, here.

  “By the way, Koizumi.”

  “Yes?”

  “About the students in that ridiculous marathon—are they all, you know, clean?”

  “But of course. So far as our investigations can tell, there is nothing to worry about. Not one of them is an alien, time traveler, or any other category of person that would differ from standard modern humans.” Koizumi then put a finger to his chin. “However…”

  “However?”

  “If you’re asking if there’s a student among them that worries me, there is. That they’re a normal human is clear enough, so this is nothing more than my intuition. Or perhaps you could call it a premonition. It would hardly be surprising for Suzumiya to decide that having everyone fail the test would be boring, so one student will pass. So who will remain? I feel as though I know already, though it’s only a very slight feeling, with nothing whatsoever to back it up.”

  I got the feeling it was the same person—the same girl—I’d noticed.

  “Her background’s normal, right?”

  “Yes. We checked. Although she was a slightly special case…”

  Special? Special how? Tell me. Now, I told him.

  Koizumi chuckled, an amused smile on his face. “I’ll have to leave that a secret for now. It’s a trivial thing, really. We’ve concluded it’s nothing that could possibly harm us. Indeed, she may even help us.”

  His implication-heavy answer bothered me, but if Koizumi said so, I believed him. When it came to Haruhi-related matters, Koizumi was even more nervous than I was.

  “Still…”

  There was more? I asked.

  “Yes. It’s just, lately I’ve been feeling an extremely difficult-to-explain sense of unease—shallow though that may be. It doesn’t have anything to do with the new candidates. It’s solely regarding myself.”

  I told Koizumi I was happy to listen to his problems, so long as they weren’t romantic in nature.

  “I don’t have the sense it’s the sort of problem that’s helped by talking about it,” Koizumi said, gazing at the daisies that were in bloom alongside the stairway. “The truth is, I’ve started to feel like I’m getting fainter. How can I explain this…”

  From what I could see, his face was the same half-smiling iron mask it always was, I said.

  “I don’t mean externally. It’s more like wondering whether what I’m experiencing right now is really my own volition, or whether it’s some unreal dream world another version of myself is dreaming. I’ve been thinking about it a little bit, that’s all.”

  So the grave robber of Haruhi’s subconscious had finally run into a mummy, eh? I suggested he go visit a mental clinic. If it was a serotonin problem they could probably write him a prescription.

  “I’ll seriously consider it. I hope this is just a personal problem of mine. I’m sure it is. Suzumiya is having lots of fun, and I doubt the Agency will need to take action for a while.”

  I looked down at the grounds as I took in Koizumi’s words.

  “I wonder if they’ll be thirsty after they run. I’ll go make some tea.”

  Asahina was still in her maid outfit; her considerate words echoed in my ears.

  Surprisingly, the pace Haruhi set was abnormally fast for a distance race, and she seemed content to just keep circling the track. She wasn’t even bothering to measure time, so it wasn’t a time-limited event, and there didn’t seem to be a set number of laps after which the race would end either.

  Having figured out that much, I finally understood Haruhi’s intentions, and felt a deep sympathy for the poor freshmen.

  Haruhi actually intended to run until every last one of them had collapsed. The ones who couldn’t keep up would be left to fail by the side of the track, and she’d probably just say some vaguely nice words to the last one to fall before wrapping things up.

  It seemed as though she hadn’t been able to think of a selection criterion more interesting than the hamster-catching contest. So instead, she was just going to finish things up with a marathon. It made me want to ask why she’d bothered with that written exam, but honestly this was all you could expect from someone who got bored as easily as Haruhi did. Or maybe she’d actually cared quite a bit about the freshmen who’d played along with her for so long.

  But the most likely possibility is that she hadn’t actually wanted any new members at all.

  The final test—an endurance run of indeterminate length.

  By the time Haruhi stopped running, there wouldn’t be a single freshman remaining behind her, I was sure. Haruhi was a high-speed comet of a girl who couldn’t abide anyone being able to keep up with her.

  As though to validate my thinking, after a few laps the freshmen began to lag. Anyone could’ve predicted the outcome, given that not even in the entirety of the assembled track and field club was there a single person would could keep up with Haruhi’s fleet feet—and yet there were still a few in what could be called the chase group who were devoting their entire beings to keeping up with the lead group—composed solely of Haruhi.

  Normally an endurance race had either a set distance or time, but Haruhi had thought of neither. She was just running. And she would run until she was satisfied. The finish line had no existence in either time or space, so for the freshmen behind her, this was no more than physical and psychological torture.

  What was worse, the source of Haruhi’s mysterious energy would let her run happily on and on till the break of dawn. Were the mitochondria in her body really of this Earth? Even if her cells did have some unexplained way of generating ATP, I couldn’t even stay surprised at every little thing she did, having gone past shock straight into frank admiration at her full-throttle performance.

  I’m not sure how much time passed as I watched the freshmen be worked over like new naval recruits.

  Ready to acknowledge their service regardless of whether they passed or not, Asahina had returned to the clubroom to prep
are tea, leaving Koizumi and me as the sole observers. Well, no—there were others. Most of the other clubs that used the field to practice had started watching this strange race. That’s how good Haruhi’s running form was, like an antelope on the plain.

  Well, that was Haruhi for you. She was always like that.

  But.

  Not long after that, the scene on the grounds could only be described as a field of carnage.

  Here and there on the track lay freshmen felled by Haruhi’s endless marathon, an exercise of such psychological intensity that it had no place at North High, which wasn’t particularly sporty to begin with. I sympathized deeply with them. If Haruhi had held an exam like this a year ago, there was no way Asahina or I would have passed. Whether or not that would have been a good thing didn’t bear thinking about, but I won’t hesitate in saying that I was thankful for Haruhi’s caprice in that particular regard.

  Naturally, I didn’t hold any illusions that a single freshman would pass this endurance test, but eventually the compulsory exhaustion would reach its end—and that would be when even Haruhi’s breath ran ragged enough to blow up a dust storm, and she stopped.

  The scene before me was shocking enough to make me lose confidence in what little life experience I’d accumulated thus far.

  The prospective brigade members had collapsed around the track, and had been dragged off of it by track and field members, who seemed to regard them as mere obstacles. The half-zombified freshmen surely wanted nothing more than oxygen and some freshly brewed tea.

  However—

  Just one freshman remained, having stuck with Haruhi for the entire race and crossing the finish line only moments after Haruhi did herself and declared the ordeal over.

  She was gasping for breath and soaked with sweat, but she’d done it. And yes, by “her” I mean that same freshman girl from before.

  Her baggy uniform did not fit her petite frame well, and as she tried to fix her sweat-matted hair, her childish efforts only made it look more like a bird’s nest. The thing that stuck out the most was that same smiley-face barrette.

  “You…” said Haruhi, subtle surprise coloring her voice, “… did very well. Managing to keep up with me… were you on the track team before?” Haruhi’s own breath was fairly ragged.

  “Nope,” said the girl immediately. “I’ve stayed a free agent in all my club activities. What I’ve been aiming for—whew—is the SOS Brigade. I worked really hard! I knew I’d do whatever I had to do to get in, so I’ve been preparing for this day!”

  Regardless of the who-knew-how-many kilometers she’d just run, her voice was full of energy. She had more than enough left over to keep a smile on her sweat-soaked face.

  That answer seemed to satisfy Haruhi, who, even as she continued to catch her own breath, replied, “You’re the only one to pass. Still, this was only the first aptitude test, so the testing might continue. Are you ready?”

  “I’ll do anything you tell me I have to do! Even if you tell me to catch the moon’s reflection in the water, I’ll do it!”

  Koizumi and I watched the exchange from safe ground, our mouths agape with shock.

  There was someone whose strength and lung capacity matched Haruhi’s, and she was a freshman. The track club wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip away. After they regarded these proceedings with irritated disgust, the eyes of the track club members were already turning aggressive. They were the eyes possessed of utter determination to catch that promising-looking freshman.

  Haruhi was a lost cause, but a brand-new student might well be persuaded to convert—they were like Portuguese missionaries who had found a warlord eager to distance himself from the influence of Buddhism. It was an entirely understandable avarice, give the aptitude for distance running she’d shown. I felt the same way, honestly.

  The girl wiped sweat off of her satisfied face as she looked up and met my gaze. As she narrowed her eyes and curved her lips in a smile, I was struck by an intense, inexplicable feeling of déjà vu.

  Did she know? Was she a powerful being that had somehow slipped past both Nagato and Koizumi, part of the mysterious other group, the fourth power… the thought crossed my mind, but Sasaki aside, she didn’t have the scent of Kuyoh, Kyoko Tachibana, or that time-traveler guy.

  Surely she wasn’t a fifth power—?

  C’mon, that couldn’t be. Just how many people did I have to deal with here? Despite being assaulted by the irritation of the idea, I didn’t feel any instinctive danger from her at all. She was just an eccentric freshman. It wasn’t hard to imagine Haruhi wanting just one new member candidate. This probably didn’t mean anything more than that. It had been a long time since Haruhi had declared her desire to associate with aliens, time travelers, and espers—a year, by now. And during that time, all of her crazy wishes had come true, albeit without the knowledge of the wisher.

  Her latest wish was for a promising new member, and since it probably didn’t matter if they were some kind of special being or just an ordinary homo sapiens, Haruhi had desired a second conveniently normal person—a second version of me. If so, the girl who’d passed Haruhi’s crazy test would probably become an NPC-like errand girl, or possibly the new mascot who would take over once Asahina graduated.

  If she happened not to be a standard human, presumably she would approach me soon. I could afford to wait to worry about it until that actually happened. I was used to dealing with weirdos.

  The girl was bent over, hands on knees, as she recovered her breath. There was absolutely nothing superhuman about her, nor anachronistic, nor alien.

  She was a human. I didn’t need advice or warnings from anyone. I’d come to this certainty on my own. Just as humanity had evolved from some indeterminate protozoa through unfathomable stages, so truly had I arrived at this undeniable truth.

  Even I came to correct conclusions once in a while.

  Thus, at the incontrovertible decision of the brigade chief, the final decisive SOS Brigade entrance exam came to an end.

  Of course, I still had a few misgivings. I felt as though I’d seen the freshman girl who passed somewhere before, and there was the fact that she’d caught my eye even the first time I’d met her. Koizumi had determined there was nothing particularly special about her, but the fact that she’d passed Haruhi’s entrance exam and attracted her attention alone meant that she was no ordinary person.

  But in what way was she out of the ordinary? Someone like Tsuruya was still a human resident of this Earth, but if she were in the alien/time traveler/esper category, then it would be as if I’d been given a problem from an entirely new problem set.

  “Mmm.”

  I didn’t realize I was groaning until Koizumi patted my back.

  “There’s nothing to worry about. There won’t be any problems with her. If we’re talking about high school students with stamina roughly the same as Haruhi’s, I’m sure there are many of them if you bother to look. I would’ve thought you’d welcome the arrival of a cute junior member. She seems like she’ll be quite adept at errand-running.”

  Evidently that was how he really felt. Koizumi’s face never lost its soft, unconcerned smile.

  But I just couldn’t rid myself of that strange sense of déjà vu, like I’d met her somewhere before.

  I had no memory of her, and yet it still bothered me, though it was quite clear we had just recently met—indeed, we obviously had no connection at all, so why did I feel as though I knew her? The questions rose up within me like puffs of smoke from a fire, and there was nothing I could do about it.

  “Wait.”

  Maybe this wasn’t a problem with her—maybe it was a problem with my own mind. Despite my tendency to worry about things, I found this hard to believe. She was just one freshman girl, and at a glance she was cute in an ordinary way, without health problems, the sort of petite girl who was loved by all, so why would I find her so disturbing?

  By then Haruhi and the sole freshman to become a new brigade member sh
ould have made it back to the clubroom and finished changing. The door opened from the inside, and the girl leapt out, nearly dealing me a glancing body blow, but twirling aside like a butterfly on a spring wind.

  “I’ll be going home for today, then! See you tomorrow!”

  Her smile was like a summer flower in full bloom. Her ill-fitting uniform clearly hadn’t been made to measure, she had that strange hairpin, and yet she radiated health like one half of a binary star system—along with a youthful smile.

  Koizumi was standing next to me, posing like a male model, but the girl didn’t even glance at him, instead looking dead at me for a moment, before giggling.

  “Seeya!” she said like a robin who’d just remembered where it was going, and heading for the stairs, she disappeared.

  We were speechless for a moment.

  “She seems to like you,” said Koizumi, perhaps thinking his grinning tone was appropriate. He continued, quietly. “My, but she’s charming. Just as a freshman, but all the more so as a junior member of our club. She seems quite a cheerful girl. What do you make of her?”

  I didn’t make anything of her. I hadn’t actually thought Haruhi would bring in a new member, so mostly I was just astonished. She’d obviously be aiming to fail everybody with that marathon race of hers, so I was busy being impressed with the girl’s determination at being able to break through that challenge, and doubting my own athletic ability.

  “Although distance running isn’t particularly related to athletic ability. It’s understood to have more to do with heredity. But no matter. Let’s just leave it at that.”

  Koizumi was being strangely easygoing. Did he know something I didn’t?

  Koizumi just shrugged me off with a smile. Just then, there was a shout from inside the clubroom, which brought an end to my investigation.

  “You can come in! I’m done changing!” Haruhi’s voice, in high spirits.

  Haruhi sat in her usual spot at the brigade chief’s desk, sipping hot tea from her personal cup. Asahina was busily picking up and folding the gym clothes that had been scattered on the floor. She really did seem like the head maid of the Suzumiya family staff. And the family’s selfish daughter insisted on bringing her personal maid to school with her—was this not a reasonable way to describe the scene?