A Life Without Fear (Life #2)

by C. S. Jacobs

  “I’m so sorry ma’am, but your dog seems to have suffered from what we call Boxer Cardiomyopathy. It’s common for the breed, usually at an older age, but it’s not uncommon for younger dogs. Unfortunately, there was no way for you to know this was happening to him, there’s no test that could’ve been done. There’s no cure. I am sorry. He’s still hanging on if you’d like to come and say your goodbyes we can euthanize him while you are with him to help end his suffering.”

  The world is a blur, I hear what he’s saying, but I don’t want to believe the words. He can’t help Rodger, no one can. All I can do now is sit with them while they help to end his life. My God, how did this happen, it’s not fair. He was the best dog anyone could have ever asked for, why him? Blake helps me to stand as we follow the doctor to a room. I don’t remember the walk there, but I’ll never forget the instant I laid eyes on him stretched out on the table, tubes and wires all over his body. My Rodger, my poor baby.

  “I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes then I’ll be back to administer the euthanasia.” I hear the door close a moment later.

  “Would you like me to leave you alone until the doctor comes back, Angelica?” Blake asks his question laced with concern. I simply nod my response and again I hear the door close.

  “Rodger, can you hear me, baby?” He remains unmoved. I pull up a chair right to his bed and put my face right in front of his nose. “Mommy is here, honey, I’m not leaving you. I love you with all my heart, Rodger. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you in sooner. I should’ve known Rodger. I’m sorry, I’m sorry buddy, please forgive me. I’ll never forgive myself for this. You are my best friend.” I put my head on the bed and just cry. That’s all I can seem to do, I feel utterly useless. I’ve failed him. I knew he was acting a bit off since yesterday, and I did nothing. Now here we are, him on his death bed. God, please take care of him, please take him into your arms and love him like I have. Please, God.

  A long while later I hear the door open and footsteps enter. I don’t have the strength to lift my head so I don’t instead keeping it next to Rodger’s face.

  “Angelica, they’re going to free him from his suffering now. Are you ready?”

  “No,” I say between sobs. “But what choice do I have. Just don’t make me move please, I want to be right here next to him when you do it.”

  “That’s fine. I’m going to begin now,” the doctor states.

  I merely nod. I hear a few things moving then I hear a cap come off something. “It’s likely he won’t make a noise, but it is possible that he may gasp. I just want you to be prepared for either.” I nod again. “It’s happening now.”

  I sob louder this time and wrap my arms around his body. The very least I can do is hold him while he dies. I feel his chest move slightly and I hear an almost silent whimper come out of his mouth. Oh God that’s it, my baby is gone.

  “Oh Rodger, I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I love you. I will never forget you.”

  The room is silent. No one moves, no one speaks. I don’t know who’s in the room, nor do I care.

  “He’s gone, ma’am,” I hear the doctor say from over my shoulder. I hug Rodger one last time and kiss him on his nose.

  “Goodbye Rodger,” I say one last time. Looking over my shoulder, I can vaguely see Blake through my tears. He holds me by the arm and helps me walk out of the room. Outside an older woman is standing with a clipboard. Staring directly into her kind eyes as I speak, “I’ll pay whatever the fee. I would like him cremated and put in a granite box. My card is in my purse let me give it to you.” I look around unsure of where my purse even is, Blake pulls it off of his shoulder and hands it to me. Opening my wallet I try to find my bank card but I can’t see anything through the tears that have come back full force. Blake clutches my hands and leads me to a seat nearby.

  “I’ll handle all of this. You wait here for me, okay? I’ll be as fast as possible.” I simply nod and watch his blurry body walk away with the kind old lady.

  Trying to contain my tears, I just can’t. My heart is broken, it hurts so badly. My joy, my baby Rodger, is gone. He meant the world to me. My house is going to feel so lonely without him by my side. My life is going to feel a lot emptier without him. I don’t even see Blake approach, I just feel his hands pulling me up from my chair.

  “Come on Angelica, let’s get you home. I’ve sorted everything out with the hospital. They’ll call us when Rodger’s ashes are ready to be picked up.”

  I nod and sob at the same time. His ashes? What will I do with them? God, why does it hurt so bad?

  “Come on Angelica, let’s go.”

  We walk out of the hospital and the cold hits me like a ton of bricks. It should sting my coatless arms and burn my exposed legs, but I feel nothing. I’m numb. Blake leaves my side briefly to open my car door for me. I slide in and cry. Before I know we’re even moving, Blake is out of the car opening my door again. I accept his help and walk up to my steps when I realize I can’t do it.

  “I can’t go in there, Blake. I don’t think I ever can.” I sob into his chest. “God, Blake, I miss him so much. What am I going to do without him?”

  “Shhh, shhh Angelica, you’ll live a great life in his absence, you’ll make him proud.” I can’t accept that. I’m just too broken right now. Heading up the steps, I open the door. As soon as I walk in I look over at Rodger’s bed and my legs give out. This time, Blake is quick enough and he catches me. Picking me up into his arms, he carries me up to my room. I sit on the bed crying as he undresses me and tucks me in. “Who can I call for you, Angelica?” He pulls my purse off his shoulder yet again and looks inside for my cell phone.

  “I don’t want anyone to worry about me.”

  “They deserve to know what happened, Angelica. Your grandfather would be upset if you didn’t tell him and you know that.” He brushes a few strands of hair off of my face. “Joey would be mad that he was doing a shoot while you were at home suffering like this.”

  “If I call them they won’t understand a word I’m saying because I will break down.” He hands me a box of tissues from my nightstand and I wipe my nose. “Will you call them for me and just tell them that I’m fine and I’d prefer to just be alone. I don’t want anyone flying out to me. They only just left.”

  “Of course I will Angelica, but you won’t be alone. I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He looks tired, I hadn’t noticed until now.

  “Thank you, Blake.”

  He takes my cell phone and searches through the contact list to find whoever he decides to call first. He takes hold of my hand before he presses the send button. I don’t even know what time it is here, let alone the time in Texas or Paris. He holds the phone to his ear for only a moment before I hear a mumble come from the phone.

  “Joey, it’s Blake.” He immediately pulls the phone away from his ear, clearly Joey is yelling something. “Nothing has happened to Angelica, calm down.” He again pulls the phone away from his ear. I reach for the phone, he hands it to me.

  “Joey?”

  “Angelica, what’s the matter? What happened? Please someone fucking tell me what happened.” I can hear the sleep in his voice.

  “Joey, it’s Rodger, he...he...he’s gone, Joey.” I start to cry uncontrollably again. God, it still hurts so bad even just saying the words. I can faintly hear Joey say something before Blake takes the phone back from me.

  “Joey, she doesn’t want anyone to fly back here. I’ll stay with her until your return. After everything that’s happened, she doesn’t want you or T.J. rushing back here.”

  Blake hands me more tissues as he listens to whatever it is Joey’s saying. I cry into the pillow. Soon enough, I hear Blake say goodbye. I look up in time to see him looking through my contacts again. Oh God, Granddad, is going to try and rush back here. He loved Rodger almost as much as I did.

  “Good evening sir, it’s Blake. Forgive me for the late intrusion.” Blake waits only a second before responding to his question. “I can a
ssure that she’s not hurt, she is right next to me. It’s not her, it’s Rodger.” At the sound of his name, I break down into loud sobs. I try to quiet them, but it’s useless, they don’t ease. “He had what is called Boxer Cardiomyopathy. He didn’t survive T.J. He’s gone.”

  I look up and see Blake drop his head, this poor man has been through so much with me in the past few weeks, he’s a saint for not running for the hills. Nothing in my life is easy right now, it’s obstacle after obstacle. If he makes it through all of this with me, there is no doubt in my mind I need to keep him around. Maybe this time I really won’t push him away.

  “She has requested that you not come. She just wants some space to deal with this. She does not want you to have to come back after having just left.” He listens intently for a while then passes me the phone. I gingerly press it to my ear and sniffle.

  “Angelica, I’m incredibly sorry for your loss darlin’. Rodger was family, and I can only imagine how bad you must be hurting right now.” He sounds somber. I can’t speak; all I can do is cry. “Please don’t push us away, Angelica. We’re family. Let us come be with you.”

  “Please,” I whisper. “I’ll be fine.” I can barely speak between sobs. “I just need some time. Please just give me time.”

  “Okay darlin’, if that’s truly what you want.” His tone is soft.

  I hand the phone back to Blake then pull the comforter over my head and let the tears fall. I fight the urge to call my doctor and ask for a Xanax and just sleep. I’m not going to use Rodger as an excuse to fall back into that habit. Instead, I just cry and cry. I feel Blake lay behind me on top of the comforter. He knows I’m naked and is trying to keep a barrier between us, always the gentleman. After what seems like an eternity my sobs slow and exhaustion finds me. I fall asleep with Blake spooning me from above the blankets and my face buried in the pillows.

  Upon waking up, I feeling like shit. I don’t know what time it is, but I know I’m late for work. Fuck! I sit up quickly and look for my phone. What I find is Blake sitting in my recliner with a laptop on his lap.

  “Is everything okay?” he asks.

  “What time is it?” my voice cracks. My throat hurts so bad, I’m sure from all the crying.

  “Its 8:00 a.m. but don’t worry, I’ve already emailed Bill and he assured me that you can take all the time off that you need.” His voice sounds wary, I wonder if he’s worried that he may have stepped over some arbitrary boundary.

  “Thank you for doing that Blake. I’ll take today, but I can’t take any more than that.”

  “Why not Angelica? You’ve been through a lot this past week. You need to let your body and your mind rest.” He smiles kindly. His phone vibrates from beside him. “It’s Adam, he’s come bearing breakfast. I’ll be right back.” He places his laptop on the chair then heads out the door.

  While he’s gone, I head to the bathroom to pee. When I get up to wash my hands and brush my teeth, I get a good look at my face. Sweet Jesus, I’m a mess. I have mascara running down my face, eyes swollen and red. My whole face looks puffy. I’m also in nothing but my birthday suit. God, what Blake must be thinking? Given the circumstances I think he understands. For my own vanity, I wash my face thoroughly and then put my hair in a side braid. Grabbing an oversized shirt out of a drawer, I throw it on. When I walk out of the bathroom, I see Blake sitting back in the chair. On my nightstand is a coffee and three Starbucks pastry bags.

  “Did you think I was starving?” I say as I walk past him and hop back in bed.

  “No, I wasn’t sure which bagel you’d preferred so I got you all three.” He shrugs his shoulders. God, he’s sweet.

  “That was very thoughtful of you Blake. Multi-grain by the way.” I smile at him then search for the right bagel through the packs. I’m not hungry in the least, but I don’t want to be rude. The man has done so much for me in the short time that we’ve known each other. “Not that I mind you being here, but shouldn’t you be working? I don’t mind being alone now.” I tear off a piece of my bagel and dip it in the cream cheese.

  “I am working.” He points to his laptop.

  “I’m not keeping you from anything, am I Blake?”

  “You’re keeping me from nothing, Angelica.”

  “Okay, but you don’t have to be here.”

  “Are you asking me to leave?”

  “No,” I respond quickly.

  “Well then, enjoy your coffee and bagel while I finish off these emails.” He smiles at me then starts typing away on his laptop.

  Not wanting to awkwardly stare at him working, I take a few bites of my bagel and a sip of my coffee. As I stare at my bed, I feel my chest tighten. Rodger should be on the bed with me, he should be nudging me to get ready for our run. But instead he’s gone. No longer will I wake to his face.

  “Blake I truly appreciate what you did for me last night.” I wipe my eyes with a tissue and take a deep breath. “Thank you for making me call everyone and for staying with me. Right now, though, I’d really like to be alone. I just want to mourn my dog by myself for the day, please.” I look at him with watery eyes.

  “Of course Angelica, but please don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. I’ll be working from home today.” With that said he gathers his belongings, kisses my forehead then lets himself out.

  With Blake gone, the silence is deafening. I burrow myself in my comforter and cry as loud as I can.

  “Rodger, I miss you. God, I miss you so much.”

  The tears seem to go on forever. I’m actually exhausted from the sobs, but eventually I must fall asleep because when I wake again the sun is much higher outside of my window. I get out of bed to go take a much-needed long, hot shower. Turning the water to hot, I just stand under the stream and cry some more. As hard as I try to stop I just can’t, the tears show no sign of slowing. I slide to the ground and cry until I feel my skin go wrinkled. Without washing anything, I get out of the shower, wrap up in a towel then go back to bed and fall asleep yet again.

  The next time I get up I see Joey sitting in the chair that Blake had occupied only hours ago.

  “Oh Joey,” I yell. He rushes to the bed and holds me while I cry onto his lap. “Joey, he’s gone, Rodger is gone. I was too late, I couldn’t save him.”

  “Angelica, no one could have saved him. Had you taken him in any sooner they wouldn’t have been able to do anything for him, it’s an incurable condition.” I look at him with a confused gaze. “It was a long flight from Paris, I had time to research,” he admits.

  “That still doesn’t make me feel better. I miss him. I never thought he’d be gone so soon.” I put my head back in his lap and cry some more.

  “I know you do, baby girl. We all do honey. He was the best dog.”

  “Yes, he was.”

  “Are you all done crying or do you want to cry some more?” Joey asks in a serious tone.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Can I at least try and comb this rat’s nest you have going on?”

  “Sure.”

  Joey heads into my bathroom to gather whatever he needs to try and tame my unwashed and slept-while-wet hair. I don’t know if I own enough products to fix this. He comes back a short time later and sits behind me. I can’t see what he has, but he starts putting all kinds of shit in my hair then gently begins to comb it out. It reminds me of brushing Rodger while he just laid there and watched television with me. So much for being done crying, I guess.

  I cry the whole time Joey brushes my hair.

  I cry while he braids it.

  I cry while he helps me get dressed.

  I cry while he tucks me back in and rubs my back until I fall asleep yet again.

  The next time I wake up it is dark outside, I’ve slept the day away and I feel like shit. I don’t feel like crying, though, I guess that’s a good sign. Joey’s not in my room so I head downstairs. I find him in the kitchen studying various takeout menus. I hug him from behind.

  “Thank you for coming
home early, you really didn’t have to, though.”

  “I know I didn’t, but I wanted to be here with you. Jobs will come and go, but you’re my life, doll.” He turns around and embraces me in a big hug.

  “I love you, JoJo.”

  “I love you more. Are you hungry?”

  “Not really.”

  “Well, you haven’t eaten but a few bites of your bagel this morning.” I look at him confused. “I spoke to Blake, he told me.”

  “I’m sure he did. I just don’t have much of an appetite.”

  “Well, you need to eat something, Ang. You look like shit.”

  “You’re such a sweetheart.”

  “I’m serious, Ang. You look bad and maybe some food would help.”

  “Maybe, just order whatever. I’m going to go start a fire it’s cold in here.”

  “All right, I’ll join you in a second.”

  Heading to the living room, I flip the switch to start the fireplace. One of the many perks of my brownstone. Plopping down on the couch, I stare over at Rodger’s bed. My chest feels heavy. What will I do with all of his stuff? Will I throw it away? I don’t know that I could keep it all, the constant reminder of him would kill me, but the thought of it all going in the trash hurts just as bad. On Rodger’s bed is his stuffed yellow duck, it was his favorite toy. Getting up I pick up the duck and smell it. A single tear slides down my cheek. Setting the duck down on the couch, I head into the kitchen to get some trash bag.

  I grab his bed and toys from the corner of the room, and as I’m putting the last ball in the bag Joey comes next to me and kisses my forehead.

  “Are you sure you want to get rid of everything, A.P.?”

  “I’m keeping his duck. I don’t need to stare at everything else, I have no need for any of it.”