Divided Heart

by Patti Larsen

  Never like this.

  Syd. Sassafras’s voice shook me out of the spinning wheel of thoughts holding me hostage. I’ve been watching the house and there’s no activity. I’m just going to head back to visit Meira then I’ll join you.

  Okay. I kept my thought tight. The last thing I needed was a lecture from my demon cat. Thanks.

  Maybe Quaid was right. I was looking for trouble because that was my life, all I knew. Both with him and with Darin’s little club. My body started to relax, the panic holding me thrall easing as I let my head fall forward, forehead pressed to my knees. I was being silly. Quaid was allowed a bad day. Goodness knew I’d had enough of my own. I was being an idiot.

  And yet, I couldn’t let it go. Couldn’t. I headed for my door, felt for Charlotte. She was in her room, stewing. I’d really pissed her off. But I needed time alone, really alone, to walk and think without her hanging from me.

  Who was I kidding? I was going to Quaid’s and didn’t want her around.

  It was a little harder to put her to sleep this time, but I managed, guilt at my act much stronger than it had been. She was only doing her job, or what she thought was her duty. She’d been manipulated and used by the Dumonts her whole life and here I was doing the same thing to her. I swore to myself as I chose to sneak past her room rather than risk Mom’s wrath by sliding into the veil, I’d sit down with her later and tell her everything.

  She had to understand.

  ***

  Chapter Twenty Three

  I made it all the way across the Yard and to Quaid’s dorm only to reach for him and find out he wasn’t even home. Which naturally made my mind spin in circles wondering where he’d gone and who he was with.

  The image of the honey-blonde hanging off him, her oversized chest pressed to his arm, made my skin tight with pent up anxiety. I’d already accepted while it had been my first time, this wasn’t Quaid’s first romp under the sheets. The juvenile idea he’d had condoms in his room just for the two of us now seemed totally ridiculous, another lie I told myself. Was he with her now? No way was I sleeping, not with worst-case scenarios playing out in my head.

  I know I should have gone back to my dorm and fetched Charlotte, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back, just in case I ran into Sashenka and had to try to explain. And I was in no mood to fight with my bodywere either. Once she found out I’d knocked her out for the second time so I could sneak off, I’d suffer for it, I was sure.

  Besides, I really needed to be alone to torture myself correctly. Wouldn’t do to have a possible shoulder to cry on nearby, would it? Naw, better to simmer in my own pity party privately than ask for help or something.

  Or reach for Quaid. That I refused to do. No way was I turning into the clingy girlfriend. Okay, clingier. Though I had to give myself kudos for not badgering him all summer at all aside from our weekly Skype chats and daily emails.

  I was a good girlfriend, damn it, gave him lots of space. Too much?

  Sigh. I just couldn’t win.

  Your sister is asleep. Sassy’s mental voice broke my mental pacing even as I walked the Yard, keeping to the shadows. I’m heading toward you now.

  A moment of guilt ran through me. Right. My sister. And then my mind went to Rupe and Simon. I had other things I could be thinking about right now. And other people I cared about who deserved some attention. Clearly Quaid didn’t.

  I’m tired. Sassafras’s tone was a little sharp. I hope you’re keeping the pillow warm for... where are you?

  Oops.

  Out. I tried for authoritative, to let him know I didn’t care one way or the other what he thought of my little stroll even as I crossed out of the Yard and headed for Memorial Church.

  Sassy ignored my tone. Tell me you have Charlotte with you.

  How did he know I’d left her behind? Did he know about last night?

  My cheeks flushed bright red at the thought my demon cat knew I’d stayed the night with Quaid.

  Oh, get over yourself. Sassy’s mental voice sniffed with arrogance only he could pull off. I’ve been around more hormonal young witches than you, Sydlynn. But Charlotte is with you for a reason.

  I’m perfectly safe here. I stopped and looked up at the church, almost glowing white in the light of the full moon. The place kind of gave me the creeps.

  That’s not the point. He huffed in my head. I’m coming to meet you. Don’t move.

  Smart ass cat. Like he could do anything I couldn’t. Wasn’t I part witch, part demon, part Sidhe princess? I was fairly certain I could take care of myself, thanks.

  Something flickered down the path, closer to the church, and I found myself gasping for a lost breath, hands pressed to my chest in fright as a row of young soldiers suddenly appeared out of thin air and marched past me. They didn’t notice me, the echoes of the Northern Civil War troops only lasting a few steps before they faded out again, but the sight of them was enough to freak me out.

  The chill air and absolute emptiness they left behind raised goosebumps on my arms and filled me with deep sadness. I’d find no resolution out here, in the dark, alone. Only an aching heart that refused to let go of Quaid and worried for Liam, growing fear and doubt bouncing between the two boys in my life and making my heart ache.

  My emotions finally turned me around. Maybe Sass was right. This place was really old, the oldest campus on the continent. Who knew what lurked where? And though I was sure nothing here could harm me, I wasn’t exactly a fan of getting the pants scared off me either. Or of wallowing. It used to be my way, but I was getting pretty tired of the whole poor me thing.

  I could feel Sassafras’s approach as he bounded across the Yard toward me and finally stepped out of the darkness to meet him. The moment I did, I felt the vampire virus shudder against my skin. Not the light vibration I’d gone through before. This was a violent reaction, as if the entity inside was suddenly wide awake and fighting me again.

  But that wasn’t possible. It should be sound asleep. I looked down in horror at the bright glow of it almost burning through the fabric of my sweater as I layered more power over it. But it ignored me, bouncing and struggling against my controls.

  No. Way. I’d poured so much power over it, the source of the virus should have slept for centuries. Unless... unless it sensed vampires. And not just nearby, and not just one or two. No, they had to be many and right on top of—

  I barely had time to raise my personal shielding before the air around me shuddered and a dozen vampires shifted out of shadow to surround me.

  ***

  Chapter Twenty Four

  My demon roared in fury, lashing out on her own while I fought the now screeching virus. Shaylee tapped the earth, driving blades of green fire up around me, forming a circle of protection even as my demon sent a sheet of pure amber power out toward the attacking vampires.

  For an instant I worried they were friendly. Were we attacking Sebastian’s clan by accident? But that fear was gone the moment one of the vampires lunged forward through the power barriers and struck me.

  Wait a second. How...? I staggered backward, jerking the virus in its marble gem free and clutching it in my hand, the brightness of its glow streaming out from between my fingers like I attempted to contain a blazing sun. There was no time to think as I fought back, wrapping up my attacker in a column of blue magic which he stepped through, three of his friends at his side as the rest fought off my demon and Shaylee’s defenses.

  This wasn’t possible. They shouldn’t have been able to break through my magic, not all three kinds at least. But it was clear whoever they were, they had some kind of augmented power of their own.

  Which meant I was in a whole lot of trouble.

  Someone roared like a wounded lion from my right side while another voice hissed and spit to my left. I was vaguely aware of Charlotte, her body twisted into half-were form, slashing and spinning her way through my attackers while a ball of silver fur blazed with amber fire, taking on others. But, I was alone in t
he center of the mess with the first vampire and his little friends and had to do something.

  We’d only combined our power once before, my demon, Shaylee and I, to protect the Gate from the Unseelie Lord Venner. This time was much easier, though seemed to take forever in the heartbeat I had between the lead vampire’s leap and the surge of power I was able to muster.

  The twisting column of magicks fused at the point into a hammer-head of lime green, slamming directly into the vampire’s face. Finally, success, at least partially. The blow flung him backward, to collide with two of his friends as I staggered from the impact myself. Something in him resisted my magic. The blow he took should have spread him over the campus in nice, bite-sized chunks they’d be cleaning up for months. Instead, it simply stunned him.

  Not good at all.

  And in the rush of the attack, I’d forgotten there were three friends with him. Just as I gathered myself to lash out at the lead vampire again, Charlotte’s scream of warning spun me sideways.

  “Syd!”

  I will be forever grateful for that scream. It gave me just enough time to twist to the side, to avoid the blow meant for my jaw that surely would have crushed my skull, instead only allowing the vampire’s hand to brush lightly over my skin, across my chest and over my right hand, now half open as I fought for balance, fingertips momentarily grazing the edge of the virus’s prison.

  I was blind, vision flooded with so much white light I was certain it would boil my eyes in their sockets. Was I screaming? Had to be, though I barely registered the sound as coming from my throat. The vampire fell back from me, eyes gaping wide, whole body smoking until it suddenly burst into flames. The other vampires fled, shrieking into the night.

  None of that mattered as the marble burst and the virus emerged. Not the sound of Charlotte calling my name, not Sassy’s desperate cries for help to my mother. Nothing.

  Nothing.

  The moment the virus escaped it dove into my chest and burrowed itself into my very soul.

  Motion surrounded me, voices I knew well: Charlotte, Sassafras. Sashenka’s joined them as cool darkness was replaced by light I couldn’t see, not while white fire burned through my body, heating my blood, soaking into my cells. My demon snarled and fought, twisting in pain as Shaylee wept and cursed and writhed in her own agony. I couldn’t move, no matter the pain, held rigid by the power of the virus.

  I knew the exact point when Mom arrived, though I couldn’t answer her any more than I could the others. And I felt Gram beside me, fighting with all of her strength, but wasn’t able to help.

  Frozen, boiling, filled with despair, I gasped one last breath and welcomed it.

  Welcomed the moment when my heart stopped.

  ***

  Why wasn’t I surprised she was a she? The virus, her personality, the essence of her, was as female as I was. We stood together in the soft white glow of wherever we were. Some kind of limbo? I couldn’t bring myself to care, really. The four of us, points on a compass. My demon reached out to me, thick, black nails scratching my wrist before I could take her hand. Shaylee stood on the other side, tall, proud, every inch a Seelie princess, though she didn’t hesitate to reach for me too.

  We can’t exist like this. My gaze traveled over the slim, white-haired girl facing me, her transparent skin almost blue, icy eyes cold. You can’t stay here.

  I have nowhere to go. She crossed her arms over her chest. You’ve given me no choices, Sydlynn Hayle. When you pulled me out of Sebastian DeWinter, had your demon father lock me inside my prison, he linked you to me as surely as if we’d been made as one.

  My demon growled next to me, bared her teeth. That’s what she thought of no choices.

  You were killing him, I sent to the virus. No. The vampire essence. I felt her now. Not a disease, an illness. But the very creation of vampires, the very reason for their existence.

  Yes, she sent, ignoring my accusation. You see it now. See me for who I am.

  Created. By whom?

  The maji. She shook her head, long, white hair swinging. An attempt to perfect humanity. I was a failed experiment by a very idealistic magician. And when she understood I could not do as she needed, she tried to destroy me.

  You fled? I followed her thoughts as she showed me, my demon and Shaylee along for the ride, soaring as a lonely spirit through time and space.

  So alone. She shuddered, held herself, face twisted in grief. So hungry, in need of what I didn’t know. Until I found him.

  Cesard. The Firblog magician she’d struggled with for millennia.

  I was certain he would help me. Her sadness twisted to rage. But he tried to do what the maji wanted, to destroy me, and I couldn’t let that come to pass. But it was because of him I found it at last, my purpose, what could feed my hunger.

  Blood. I nodded, watched as she fed on peasants, had her first taste, shared her spirit with the very first vampire, a woman who felt familiar to me. The exchange of light, the beauty of it... now I understood.

  It’s his fault, she sent. His. I would have been happy to make a family of my own and go no further. But he, in his arrogance, decided it was I who was the enemy, I who was a threat and he began the battle that led me to starve, trapped in a cave with an insane demon lord and the remnants of who Cesard had been.

  Tears trickled down my cheeks as I felt her pain. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

  And then you trapped me all over again. She shuddered. I admit, I was lost, broken, when we broke free from our centuries of confinement. I had no soul, no heart, had abandoned all of who I was to hunger and need and isolation. But when I found the vampires you call friends... she shuddered again, but this time with delight. I knew at last I could be whole. And Sebastian, he brought me most of the way back.

  Most of the way? I tried not to think of my vampire friend, a wasted husk with only a pair of blue eyes still alive, killing himself to destroy her.

  He wasn’t meant for me, she sent. He’s already a vampire. Too much of his humanity is lost. And because of that, I was mindless, attempting to fulfill a destiny built into me, but meant to be guided by my consciousness, not allowed to run on the instincts of a blood drinker.

  It was pretty clear what she meant. You need a host. A human host.

  One with power. She nodded. And you, with your divided heart, already in three, are perfect.

  And if we try to make you leave? I held my two other sides back by my grips on their hands, though neither made a move to attack her.

  You can try. She suddenly looked sad again. Just for once, I want to belong.

  Okay then. I knew how that felt. I understand, I sent. But we work together, the three of us. Combined, connected. Will you allow us to make you our fourth?

  Her hesitation told me everything I needed to know.

  I will consider, she sent. But, for now, please know I mean you no harm. Not unless you try to hurt me.

  Fair warning.

  ***

  Chapter Twenty Five

  What is it about the power of a heartbeat? A whole lifetime can be lived between one pulse and the next. Or, at least, it felt that way to me.

  When I opened my eyes in Mom’s quarters, everything came into sharp focus. Her face hovering over mine, fear clear in her blue eyes, the scent of roasted meat mingling with some kind of scented candle burning nearby. The very touch of my clothing was foreign, abrasive in some areas, soft and flexible in others, while the brush of Mom’s fingers over my cheek felt like dual paths of fire sending shivers down my spine.

  “Syd.” Mom’s voice was so clear it had edges. How odd. “Sweetheart, how are you feeling?”

  Like I’d had some kind of flu? A fainting spell? Her tension hovered around her, anxiety as clear as the glowing blue, green, amber and white aura surrounding her in a shimmering field. How had I never noticed it before?

  “I’m fine.” And I was. I sat up as I spoke, movements almost effortless, powerful. She pulled back, sitting next to me as I swung my legs s
ideways and planted my feet on the dark wood floor. My gaze lifted from the edge of the area rug to settle on Sassafras’s amber eyes.

  You don’t feel all right, he sent.

  Well... I took a moment to search around inside myself, found my demon and Shaylee both reasonably content, though they did seem a little uncomfortable with our new circumstances. And the essence, the vampire core, sitting quietly in the middle of me, unresisting as I examined her.

  An odd peace surrounded me, a calm I’d never felt before. Not only was the whole world, or my perception of it, crisper in every aspect, my troublesome emotions seemed to have been softened somewhat. I prodded the hurt that was Quaid and came up with a bit of sadness, but nothing compared to the fear and longing I’d felt earlier.

  What was the vampire doing to me? Was I a vampire myself now? But no, I was certain the moment I considered the possibility that wasn’t the case. Not with my demon and Shaylee still in residence. Vampires were magic, where as I was still a practitioner.

  As much as I probably should have been scared of what was happening, I found myself grinning.

  “Cool,” I said.

  Mom’s troubled expression told me she disagreed. “Syd, what happened? Where is the virus?”

  She’d noticed it was missing, then. I reached up to touch it out of habit, found the chain gone, too. The power of the vampire’s release must have dissolved the magic that created it.

  “She’s not a virus,” I said. “And she’s inside me.”

  Multiple gasps almost hurt my ears with the harshness of the sounds. Only then did I look around, though the moment I thought to I already instantly knew exactly who was in the room. Even as my eyes traveled over Erica perched on a chair I felt her, her fear a match to Mom’s. Maurice, his horror almost revulsion and I wondered about his prejudice against vampires. Vincent’s awe and agreement with me how cool it was and his longing for more magic of his own. But someone was missing, a familiar someone. Had Charlotte abandoned me at last after I ditched her twice?