‘Sorry Kath.’ He stops in front of me, harmless and friendly. His hands are on his knees and he’s puffing for breath and laughing at the same time.
I can’t help a smile. ‘You’ll have to do better than that.’
He shakes his head, still laughing. ‘I can’t believe it.’
There’s a gasp from behind me and I’m elbowed out the way. ‘Whatever she said it isn’t true.’ Lana is just short of spitting as she stares down the gathered crowd.
The jovial mood of the hallway vanishes and people crowd closer, sensing drama. I’m reminded of a pack of animals drawn to blood.
Mine.
Heat floods my face. I touch her shoulder and she flinches. ‘We weren’t talking about you.’
‘Sure.’ Her gaze skims the crowd. ‘She’s jealous because my brother dumped her like Joel dumped her. They finally realised what a skanky slut she is.’
I reel back, but steady myself, holding my head high in front of this bitch who thinks she can say anything. I will not bow before her.
Lana’s eyes narrow. ‘It’s a pattern for Kath. Her dad didn’t want her either – or her mum.’ She smiles venomously. ‘He went and got a couple of new families, all at the same time.’
The words ring in my ears like a slap. My chest actually cramps as I try for a breath. I shrink inside myself, blinking dumbly at Lana who’s now smiling wider. A minute ago I was trying to help this girl.
Maybe some people here had heard what happened with Marty when Mum and I came to town, but never in those terms. She’s taken my deepest fear and spread it out for the class to see. And the worst part of it is that there’s only one way she could have found out. Sebastian.
‘How could you?’
I don’t know whether I’m asking her or him but it doesn’t matter because my whispered question is lost in the noise of someone barging through the crowd.
‘Leave Kath alone.’ It’s Chay. Eyes blazing and hands on hips, she stops at my side and stares Lana down. Defending me again.
Lana laughs. ‘You? You’re the biggest backstabber of all. Have you told your bestie who you’re sleeping with?’
My gaze swings to Chay. She pales and her eyes implore Lana to stop but it’s too late. Lana is in her element now. She has the crowd lapping up every word. ‘You were so obsessed with trying to sleep with my boyfriend, you don’t even care that your best friend liked him first.’
Chay’s crying. Silent tears track down her cheeks as her wide-eyed gaze swings between me and Lana.
‘Joel?’ I ask softly.
Her slow nod twists a blade in my chest. She’s been lying to me all this time.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Joel, flushed and sweating, edge backwards and almost disappear into the locker he’s leaning against, but he’s the least of my concerns.
Mentally I retreat inside my brain. If this was a movie I’d written I could yell ‘Cut’. Or ‘Scene break’. Or something to make it stop.
But life doesn’t work like that.
Lana laughs. ‘Maybe you two can share him because I have more serious things to consider.’ She flips her hair back to reveal the fine mark on her forehead. Of course it’s seeping a tiny drop of blood for effect. ‘Forget whatever Kath told you. Aaron Winter didn’t dump me.’ She pauses to make sure her words aren’t lost on the onlookers. ‘He assaulted me.’
A whisper rises from those gathered around. Everyone was friends with Aaron until he disappeared offline. This is drama of the highest order.
And looking at Lana, heart-achingly beautiful and obviously wounded, it’s impossible not to believe her. Unless you know the truth.
It’s then I see the tall and gangly boy standing silhouetted at the end of the hallway. Sebastian. Betrayer. The pain inside me builds until I’m afraid I might explode, drenching the hallway in splatters of blood and pieces of my broken heart.
His face is a mask.
I want to hate him but my feelings for him don’t want to cooperate. How long has he been listening? Does he believe his sister? Does he think I’m going to fight over Joel?
My eyes close and I wish for the classic escape of the ground opening up and me disappearing. But only for a second. Because I’ve never liked confined spaces and I’m not a big fan of being crushed by rock or swallowed by lava.
I stand straighter. Open my eyes and meet Lana’s gaze. ‘Accusing someone of assault is pretty serious.’
She doesn’t falter. Her hand goes to her head. ‘I have all the evidence I need.’
‘You’re sure you didn’t trip and fall?’
The weight of Sebastian and Chay’s eyes on me is more than everyone else here together but I have to ignore it. For too long I’ve let people push me around. I’ve avoided hard conversations and taken the easy path.
Not today.
Lana doesn’t back down. She crosses her arms and more than one male present stares openly at what it does to her neckline. ‘You think I’d make something like that up?’ There’s ridicule in her tone.
‘I do.’ I speak softly but the silence is so complete the two words carry to every single person.
For the first time Lana hesitates. ‘No one here doubts me.’
Beside me Chay stiffens but I can’t think about her. There is only one way to finish this. Maybe then we’ll all be able to move on and I can start to sort out some of the mess I’ve made of my life.
I moisten my dry lips. What I’m about to say could lose me my best friend, and ruin all hope with the one boy I’ve shown the real me.
But if I don’t say it I’ll be the biggest fake of all.
‘Aaron Winter is a phony.’ The shock ripples through the crowd. Some drop their books, and pencils scatter across the ground. ‘He never existed. He’s nothing more than a picture from a modelling agency and a set of characteristics we …’ I can’t get Chay in trouble too. I clear my throat. ‘Characteristics I thought would go with his looks.’
Lana is frozen. ‘Impossible.’
I move closer to her. ‘Really? What’s his band called?’
‘Fake,’ she whispers.
And then I deliver the killer blow. I speak so only she can hear because there’s already been enough hurt. ‘ “Babe, if I had a girl like you I’d blow off band practice in a second.” ’
I have to give her credit. While she blanches and her eyes send all kind of dagger looks my way, she keeps her composure. There will be no fleeing in disgrace for Lana. But I’ll need to watch my back because this girl will never forget what I’ve done to her here today.
She laughs. Shakily at first and then stronger. ‘Of course I knew about Aaron all along.’ She tosses her head so her hair falls over the scratch. ‘I was joking.’
She clicks her fingers and two of her lapdog friends appear at her side. They stroll down the hallway as though nothing has happened.
Moments later, with the show clearly over, the rest of the crowd disperses, going about their business, heading into class or continuing the conversations halted by the confrontation. Only a few minutes have passed since I was nearly hit by the ball but it seems a lifetime ago.
Chay is gone too, probably following Joel – I can’t believe I didn’t see it – and I’m relieved. At least this way I don’t have to decide between her and Sebastian.
I catch him close to the IT building. He’s studiously not looking back over his shoulder. I hope it’s because he knows I’ll be following and he doesn’t want me to know he cares, but I fear he’s left me and everything we had behind.
‘Sebastian, wait.’
He slows but doesn’t stop.
‘Please.’
He doesn’t turn so when I reach him he has his back to me. And the straight line of it tells me he nearly kept right on walking. I squeeze my hands to fists to stop from reaching out and soothing those tight muscles. But I can’t stop myself imagining how they’d ripple beneath my touch.
He’d probably recoil.
I wimp out on the few steps
required to move around him to see his face. ‘I’m sorry.’ He says nothing and I stare at the way his messy hair curls on the back of his neck. Stupid memories flood my brain of how it slid softly through my fingers when we kissed.
In those moments the whole crappy world didn’t matter.
He finally turns, but his eyes are shuttered and distant. ‘What for?’
I swallow. There’s no easy answer. I’ve pretty much been racking up the mistakes on an hourly basis lately.
He rubs at his temple like I’ve made his head ache. ‘Don’t apologise if you’re not sorry.’ His voice drips ice. He’s tensing. About to move. Any moment he’s going to turn again and walk away. I can’t let that happen without trying to explain.
‘I should have told you about Aaron. I never expected it to get out of control.’
‘I get that my sister pissed you off. I get that Joel,’ he sneers the name, ‘was your true love story. But she could have been seriously hurt hitching to the city in the middle of the night.’
How could he think, after everything we shared, that I’m still hung up on Joel?
I search for some hope in his expression but there is none. I guess when you’ve slept with someone and had a baby, a few kisses don’t mean much. But for me, kissing Sebastian was everything.
I’m tempted to blame Chay, but the excuses don’t come. I could have stopped her the first time Lana went to try to meet him. I could have come clean to Sebastian when he was so determined to find the person behind the online picture.
But I didn’t.
I waited until I heard Lana sobbing in the toilets. Whatever display she pulled together for the witnesses, I know she was suffering, and she’d involved her heart with a boy who didn’t exist.
‘It wasn’t really about Joel.’
His brow lifts.
I cling to the fact that at least he’s showing something. ‘She humiliated me. It seemed only fair to try to get her back. I didn’t know … you or what she was really like.’ Because while I don’t like Lana, I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her and the way she’s been relegated to the background by what Sebastian did before they came here.
‘You could have stopped it.’
I nod. ‘I should have.’
‘You lied to me.’ His voice is so low I can hardly hear it. ‘You stood there in your bedroom and criticised me for misleading you about Poppy, and all the time you were keeping this secret.’ For the first time I glimpse agony in the depths of his beautiful eyes. ‘You said you didn’t know me. Well, baby, I don’t know who you are either.’
The sickness in my stomach is spreading through my body. I never imagined my knees and elbows could feel nauseous but the bile in my throat might as well be pumping through my veins. ‘I thought you’d hate me.’
He doesn’t respond and I die a little inside. This is it. Until now I hoped we could work things out somehow. I’ve cried for the way he hurt me, and for the way I knew I was going to hurt him, but I always had hope.
Not anymore. We’re over.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
My stinging eyes aren’t listening. Everything I tried to avoid is happening and it’s worse because I didn’t confront it.
‘You stand there all hurt and offended but you were the one who told Lana. You said you’d tell her to leave me alone but instead you told her about my father.’
He swallows. ‘I didn’t think she’d say anything.’
Now I let the anger course through me. It’s a relief to feel it overwhelm some of the pain. ‘You made a mistake, huh? Amazing how it’s okay for you to betray me to the one person who seems to revel in humiliating me, but heaven help me if I’m not perfect.’
He doesn’t reply. He stares at me from an arm’s reach away, but he might as well be on another planet.
I want to scream with the pain of it. ‘Say something.’ My plea comes out as a whimper. The anger subsides again and the tears I’ve been fighting fall free and trail down my cheeks, but I wipe them away because I don’t want him to think I’m trying to manipulate him.
For a second I think he’s going to reach out. His hand lifts from his side but only to go in his pocket.
His jaw tightens. ‘I don’t think there’s anything left to say.’
CHAPTER
20
I’m alone at school and at home, and time slithers past leaving a trail of slime in its wake. The slime of whispers and fingers pointing. Of disappointing sighs from Mum. Of regrets and might have beens on constant loop in my brain.
One of the few bright spots is resuming my tutoring with Bobby Moss. We meet at my house because I still don’t want to run into Joel. Mum is out for the afternoon at the closest supplier of shampoo or perm lotion or whatever it is she said she needed.
‘Hi Kath,’ he says when I open the door.
He’s shot up over the last few weeks and the squeak of his breaking voice makes me want to smile. But I’ve forgotten how lately, and I know it would only embarrass him.
Instead I nod. ‘Hey.’
He exhales loudly but I can’t tell whether it’s relief or the fact he’s puffed from clearly rushing over. He was probably caught up at the computer labs where he seems to spend most of his time.
The thought has the muscles across my shoulders tightening. Sebastian was probably there too. I shake my head. Why must every thought come back to him?
I deliberately relax. ‘Ready for some English fun?’
Bobby screws up his nose. ‘If only everything could be numbers.’ We sit at the kitchen bench and he fumbles through his bag. ‘Mum made you these.’
I take the box and look inside. Raspberry and white choc chip cookies. My mouth waters. ‘Tell her I said thanks.’ I hold out the tin. ‘Want one?’
He grabs two and studies me while munching.
I shift on the stool. Bobby reminds me more of Sebastian than Joel. He has a way of seeing more than I want him to.
‘You know, my brother is an idiot.’
I inhale sharply, lucky not to choke on the cookie. ‘Hmm …’ I guess a fair bit of what happened has spread through the school, but I’m surprised Bobby has listened. I wouldn’t have picked him as the gossip type.
He nods. ‘That Lana chick hasn’t got a brain.’
I take another bite while trying to come up with a response. She’s pretty good at ruining my life. I bet if she turned her powers of evil to good she’d have created a cure for something by now.
‘I don’t really want to talk about it,’ I say eventually.
He nods and pulls out his textbook.
We work for over an hour, debating theme and structure, and as usual I’m amazed at his insight. He might have been accelerated for his numerical abilities but he’s no literature dummy.
He packs up his things when we’re done and I walk him to the door. He hesitates there, shifting his weight from one gangly leg to the other before shoving some money at me. ‘I don’t know what Mum usually pays you but I hope this covers it.’ He takes a step outside. ‘Thanks for everything.’
From Bobby it’s a gush of gratitude. I frown. ‘That sounds like goodbye.’ I look at him properly for the first time, and see that his face is shining and flushed red. I’ve been so caught up in my own sorry existence that I haven’t noticed. ‘Is everything okay?’
His gaze is fixed on the hole in the toe of his sneaker. ‘Dad lost his job. I was supposed to deliver the cookies and go.’
My stomach drops somewhere on the ground between us. Bobby’s dad … Joel’s dad. And it’s then the penny drops. Part of what I wanted with Joel was the perfect family I thought he had. Another mistake.
I shove the money back at him. His money, I realise as everything he said sinks in. ‘I can’t take this.’
The tips of his ears are red now. ‘You have to.’
I’m standing there on my doorstep with a handful of cash I don’t want and a boy whose pride won’t let him take it back. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to work out
how to return the money without making things worse.
Think.
‘You could wash my mum’s car instead.’ I blurt out the idea into the awkward silence.
He blinks. ‘You need that?’
I nod. Way too enthusiastically, but since Bobby is still staring somewhere near the ground I’m the only one who appreciates how stupid I probably look. ‘Yes. I kind of borrowed it without asking the other day. Washing it could get me back in Mum’s good graces.’
He nods slowly. ‘Okay.’
I shove the money into his hands. ‘If you want to get it done now I can get the bucket and sponge.’
‘Sure.’
He heads outside and I hurry to the garage. At least that’s one less thing on my conscience.
I sit out on the step and watch him work, trying not to focus on the empty space where Mum’s lime tree used to be. I offered to buy her a new one but she muttered something about it not being the same.
Once, I would have retorted with a tease about getting one with a hope of actually growing fruit, but the words caught in my throat. I miss being able to joke with my mum. I don’t know how to bridge the gap between us.
When I offer to help Bobby, he glares and I retreat to my laptop and the sites I’ve been avoiding. Mum relented on the internet ban when I needed to do some research for school and it’s a relief to be connected again.
Even if no one wants to talk to me.
Sebastian still has no online presence but I read Joel’s posts in a new light. He’s kept the stuff about his dad quiet but I bet it’s been difficult for him. So much for the perfect home life I thought he had.
I get bored fast and find myself back on Colin’s blog. For Mum’s sake I’m pleased his latest posts have a more positive tone. He doesn’t mention her by name but he talks about how meeting someone special can change everything.
Sebastian pops into my brain again, intense and serious like in the moment before our first kiss. The ache in me flares so I bow my head.
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