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by Lisa Shelby

  It’s so nice to spend this Saturday with the girls. I couldn’t be happier that they’re both back. I have plenty of friends but these two girls are special. The three of us connected from the first time we met and there was no looking back. You would think that with there being three of us that there would be an odd man out, but that has never been the case.

  Emily and Cami were already best friends when I came along in the sixth grade, but they made room for me and never made me feel like I was the third wheel. I know that Emily and Cami are closer. I mean they’ve known each other longer, went to college together and have lived together for the last eight years. Of course, they’re closer, but it’s never gotten in the way.

  This morning we met downtown for manis, pedis and mimosas. Now we’re eating outside at The Harborside along the Willamette River, overlooking the marina. My favorite lobster bisque is in front of me, the sun is shining and my two best friends are sharing the day with me. That’s all this girl needs right now.

  Eventually, the conversation moves from Emily’s job at the school, her daughter Ireland, Cami’s adventures in Real Estate and my job and recent photography gigs to our love lives.

  “Come on ladies, don’t leave me hangin’. You know I have to live vicariously through you two. Spill it,” Emily insists.

  “I haven’t dated anybody since I ended things with Kevin so I don’t have anything to contribute to this conversation. It’s all you, Cam.”

  “Oh you guys, where do I start? The guys here are so different from California. There’s an adjustment period and I’m trying to figure it out. To go from surfer chic Southern California to the ultimate hipster land here in Portland is quite the change. I think I can get used to the whole beard thing though. Beards are kinda hot. Who knew?”

  With that Cami’s on a roll telling us about her many adventures in dating. She never ceases to let us down when telling her stories about all the boys that she meets. Cami is a big old flirt and has more personality than most, but she isn’t really as carefree as she pretends to be. She can flirt a good game but Cami rarely actually sleeps with anybody. She likes to have fun, but deep down she just isn’t that kind of girl and has more self-respect than to sleep around. That’s one of the things I love most about her.

  Emily and Cami both have been through a lot and yet their self-respect would never let them just settle for any guy that came along. Why can’t I be more like them? Why was the last guy I was with just like my dad? Why would I be with somebody that didn’t respect me and treated me more like property than anything else? I really need to pull my head out of my ass and follow the lead of these two amazing women sitting in front of me.

  My perfect day is interrupted by the ringing of my phone. MOM appears on the screen and I know I have to take it.

  “Sorry guys, it’s my mom. I’ll be right back.”

  “Hey Mom, what’s up?” I say as I walk over to the sidewalk and away from the table for privacy.

  “Alexandra, I need you to come over right away,” my mom says in her usual panic. Everything is urgent with her since my dad went into his new facility. I think the change has been harder on her than it has been on him.

  “Mom, what’s wrong? I’m with the girls at lunch. Is there a problem?”

  “It’s your father. He wasn’t himself today. He seemed irritated when I was visiting him. I don’t think he likes the new facility, Alexandra.”

  “Mom, he’s always irritated and it’s only been a couple of weeks. We have to give it some time. Besides, he was kicked out of the last place so we’re lucky to have found such a nice place that’s close, that we can afford, and that would take him and his cantankerous moods. Give it time, Mom.”

  “I know you’re right, but I just hate to see him so unhappy.”

  I don’t know how she can feel the way she does after decades of abuse, but she still talks about him like he walks on water. I will never understand it.

  The night of my dad’s stroke, when she walked by me and said ‘no more secrets’, I really wanted to believe her. As horrible as it sounds, I think that she thought he may not make it through the night and she thought her nightmare would be over. But, he made it. He can’t hurt her anymore, but she knew she had to stay with him. It’s all about perception and how would it look if she were to leave him when things were bad.

  “Mom, I can go with you to check on him tomorrow, but right now I’m with Emily and Cami. I really need to get back to my lunch,” I say as I sit back down at the table and give a weak smile to the girls.

  “Okay, sweetie. Say hello to the girls, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Sounds good Mom, love you,” I say but she’s already hung up. We don’t do the whole I love you thing, in my family, but I have always ended calls that way when people are around thinking it would mask the way things really were. I know that I can trust these girls with my life, but for some reason I’ve never told them anything about what was really going on in my childhood home. Nope, Mickey Jacobs is the only person in my life who knows that truth. He has never brought it up, and he has never pitied me. He has dealt with the information just like I hoped he would.

  “So, what did I miss?”

  “I was just telling Cami how great Mick has been. I mean, he’s always been a great brother, but letting his little sister and her four-year-old kid move into his brand-new bachelor pad without batting an eye is beyond your typical big brother stuff. He hasn’t once made us feel like an inconvenience and he’s so good with Ireland. I really can’t believe how lucky I am to have him there for us,” Emily says now taking her turn to stare out at the river in contemplation.

  Bringing her attention back to the table I say, “He loves you, Em, you know that. He’d do anything for you.”

  “I know, Alex. I just feel so bad. He finally buys his own place and he has to share it with us. He should be entertaining his bevy of beauties not watching Frozen on a constant loop. I mean it’s not just some simple little ranch house. It’s four bedrooms plus the top floor of the house is a huge loft that leads to a master bedroom and bathroom. It’s huge. Most of the rooms and the walls are empty, but it’s huge. It’s like it was made for him to be the king of the castle and we’re downstairs cock-blocking him. I just feel bad.”

  “Chica, you know he wouldn’t have you there if he didn’t want you there. Mickey Jacobs doesn’t do anything that Mickey Jacobs doesn’t want to do,” Cami says with a wink.

  “I know, thanks guys.”

  It’s all true. Mickey really is a great guy. Too bad he’s a great guy that never plans on committing to one girl, because he would make a great husband and father one day.

  If only he could commit.

  I guess a girl can dream.

  Mick

  I don’t want to wake up so I struggle to keep my eyes closed.

  I know what happens when I open my eyes.

  She fades away.

  In my dreams, I can feel her. It’s like she’s really there with me.

  My dreams are so much better than my reality.

  Every night since our talk outside of Kells she comes to me.

  I dream of smiling eyes that look at me like I’ve hung the moon.

  I dream of us lounging in bed and talking for hours.

  I dream of her hair falling like a curtain around us.

  I can hear her shy giggle as her lips touch mine.

  I dream of us alone on the dance floor.

  Feeling her body against mine and her eyes filled with shock and lust.

  I dream of that night years ago.

  That night that I have replayed a thousand times over.

  I dream of standing at the edge of a cliff but not jumping.

  Holding her and watching the sun set is enough.

  I dream of protecting her.

  I dream of making her happy.

  I dream of being happy.

  I dream of her.

  I dream of only her.

  CHAPTER

&nbs
p; FOUR

  Something to Believe In

  Mick

  Riley is rarely off on a Saturday night but somehow he scored tonight off. It was decided that it had been too long since we’d had an old-school house party, and tonight we plan to remedy that situation. I love that Riley works at my favorite pub in Portland, but his hours are really tough when it comes to getting to hang out. After the shit week I’ve had at work, this is gonna be just what I need.

  I came over early to help him prep for the party. We set up the keg and tap it, you know, quality control and all that. We’re guys so setting up the keg is really all there was to do since all the booze and mixers are already out on the kitchen counter. For now, we just lounge on the back porch, beers in hand with the sound of Frank, my English Bulldog, snoring at my feet. Frank is just as comfortable here as I am. Riley’s place is like our second home. If we aren’t at home, then we’re at Riley’s.

  Riley Johansson and I have been friends since the first grade. He’s like the brother I never had and a second son to my mom. His parents are the best and they treat me like one of their own too. I usually spend half of Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day with the Johansson’s. They truly are family to me and they have been a stabilizing force in my life. Daniel and Karen were there for me every step of the way when Dad left, and I can’t imagine my life without them.

  Riley is the only person that knows about my night with Alex. He’s always known there was something about her for me. I think he noticed it before I did, back when we were kids. He always said he knew that she felt the same way, but I never believed him…until that night. He was at Lola’s Room and he saw us on the dance floor. He was happy for me, but he’s close to Alex too, and I know that he worried that I would hurt her.

  “So, I haven’t talked to you all week. Whose bed did you wake up in last weekend, and please tell me you gloved up?”

  “Dude, I don’t even know. I had never seen her before and I didn’t even really like her. Fuck was she persistent though. She just wouldn’t leave me alone. I woke up the next morning and realized I hadn’t even been interested enough to ask her name. I felt like such a dick when I was creeping out of her place the next morning. Man, I am getting too old for this shit. And of course, I gloved up. You know I don’t take chances.”

  “Mick, you’re the one that insists on never settling down. This is what you have always wanted. What is it you always say? There’s no pussy like new pussy. That’s it, isn’t it?” He says with a smart ass smirk on his face.

  “Fuck you, Riley.”

  “Well, isn’t that what you always say? Or was it for every hot chick there’s some man out there that’s tired of her shit? You’ve bestowed so many pieces of wisdom to me over the years I just can’t keep them straight. I mean, they don’t call you a legend for nothing.”

  “Whatever, man. I know you love throwing my own words back at me but I can admit that maybe I was wrong. Even new pussy gets old.”

  “Hold on just a second. Do my ears deceive me? Did Mickey Jacobs just say he was wrong?” He gets up and walks over to where I sit and takes the cup from my hand and takes a swig. “Nope, just beer. You sure you weren’t drinkin’ any hard stuff before you got here?”

  Snatching my beer back with one hand and holding my middle finger up with the other he just laughs and sits back down.

  “Seriously dude, you okay? You don’t seem like yourself tonight.”

  “I’m fine. Just a shit week at work.”

  “Okay well, if you need to do the whole chick thing and talk about your feelings and all that shit, I’m your guy. You know that, right?”

  “I do know that, Ry, but you can keep your tampons to yourself tonight. I’m fine.”

  A few moments of silence pass, but I can tell there’s something on his mind.

  “She’s gonna be here tonight, Mick,” he says like I know who he’s talking about.

  “Who?”

  “Alex.”

  Standing up and taking my now empty cup with him he heads back inside. He leaves me alone with my thoughts. He knows exactly what he did by leaving me with that little nugget. Luckily he’s not gone long and I don’t have to stay lost in my thoughts of Alex.

  Handing me my now full cup of beer he says, “You know, Mick, you two aren’t kids anymore.”

  “What’s your point, Ry?”

  Just then there’s a knock on the door and Riley gets up to answer it. As he passes by he pats me on the shoulder and says, “I think you know what the point is, Mick. You’re a smart guy and I’m pretty sure you’ll figure it out, eventually.”

  From there on out, the night is a constant flow of friends old and new. The problem is I’ve moved on from beer and on to some very strong rum and Cokes. I’m not a big drinker so this is not the wisest move on my part.

  The more I drink, the more this past week keeps creeping back into my mind. I was hoping this party and some drinks would be just what I needed to put it out of my mind, but it just won’t go away.

  At the moment, I’m being cornered by Courtney Sandberg. As per usual, she’s trying to work her magic on me. Not sure how she hasn’t figured it out yet, but I am just not into her. We may have hit it once several years ago but that shit is never going to happen again. Besides, I don’t hear a word she says because all of my attention is on the beautiful woman in the blue shirt standing across the room.

  I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I suddenly feel completely depressed and alone. I can’t fucking stand here watching her from a distance, yet again. I have to get out of here. I make some lame excuse to Courtney about needing to make a phone call and head outside. Luckily, there isn’t anybody out here. With the keg in the garage the backyard is empty. Most people seem to be staying in the garage near the beer or in the house.

  I take a seat on the deck stairs that lead to the yard and try to steady my emotions. I feel like such a girl right now. Full of inner turmoil. This is not like me. I don’t usually let work or women get to me, but tonight I can’t seem to gain control of the way I feel about either.

  I hear the back slider open and close and then hear a familiar voice. “Hey Mick, do you mind if I join you?”

  As much as I tell myself that I don’t want her out here when I’m feeling like this, I can’t say no to her. “Sure, Alex. Take a seat.”

  She sits down next to me and asks, “Whatcha doin’ out here by yourself?”

  “Just trying to get away from all the noise for a bit,” I say telling her half the truth. I’m also trying to get out of the same room as her. I’m starting to feel like a creepy stalker.

  The stairs aren’t that wide and her leg and arm are pressed against mine. I feel calmer already. So much for getting away from her.

  “I promise to be quiet or I can go if you want to be alone?” She starts to get up, but I grab her hand and pull her back down next to me. Once she’s sitting again I don’t let go of her hand. Not only do I not let go of her hand, but I link my fingers between hers and hold on for dear life.

  I had no idea how much I needed somebody right now. How much I needed her right now. She doesn’t say a word. She just lets me be. Without me saying a thing she knows exactly what I need.

  We sit hand in hand in silence for several minutes. Eventually I turn to look at her and she gives me a sweet smile, bumps her shoulder against mine and quietly says, “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I manage to say back.

  “You okay, Mick?”

  “Just a rough week at work.”

  “You know if you need to talk, I’m here. I think it’s safe to say I owe you one. Actually, two if I’m honest.”

  “Two?”

  “Well, not only where you there for me that night when everything went down with my dad, but you helped knock some sense into me about Kevin and I broke up with him. So, I owe you, Mick.”

  “You broke up with that douchebag, really?” I can’t help the fleeting hope that soars through my veins.

  “Yep, i
t’s not like I was in love with him or he was the one. I was just passing time.”

  Words have never sounded so good. She didn’t love him! Thank God! I know it makes me a dick but I don’t want her to love anybody else. The thought of her getting married to somebody one day is enough to make me sick.

  The silence is back. Five minutes must go by when she leans her head on my shoulder, gives my hand a squeeze and says, “Mick, talk to me.”

  “I don’t want to lay my crap on you, Alex. You don’t need to hear this kind of stuff.”

  “Mick, you always take care of everybody. Let somebody be there for you. Speaking of you taking care of everybody, I’ve been meaning to say thanks for taking such good care of Emily and Ireland. You’ve really gone above and beyond for them, and it means a lot to Emily. She’s been through a lot and I’m glad that she has you to count on. So, thanks for taking care of our girl.”

  “Of course, I’d do anything for those two,” I reply.

  “I know you would and Emily would do anything for you, too. Why don’t you let somebody be there for you, Mick? If you don’t want to talk to me, why not talk to Em or Ry?”

  “Alex, Em’s been through enough. I can’t lay my shit on her. I go to Riley with everything and I feel like a pussy not being able to handle the emotions of my job. I’m Mickey fuckin’ Jacobs and shit isn’t supposed to get to me.”

  She reaches in front of me with her free hand and grabs my face and turns it so I’m looking her eye to beautiful fucking eye. Just mere inches from her perfectly luscious lips. My God, she is extraordinary.

  “Mick, you aren’t made of steel. You’re allowed to let things get to you from time to time, but you need to talk about it. You can’t hold it all inside. Let me be that person that you unload some of your burdens on. I can be there for you, Mick.” She bumps me with her shoulder again and says, “Come on. Give me chance.”

  “Why?” I ask her. Searching her eyes for something, but I’m not sure what.

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you want me to share my burdens with you?” I ask her.