More

by Lisa Shelby

  I go to my contacts and scroll down to her name. I turn the phone around and show her that her number is attached to the name Sweet Thing. She still hasn’t said a word so I go to my text messages and pull up our last exchange and show her my screen once again.

  “See, every time we text or talk that’s what I see. It’s not my go to pick up line. You are not just some girl on some imaginary list you seem to think I keep.”

  “Mick…I don’t know what to say…”

  Her head drops and she looks to the ground. Shoppers are bumping us with their overflowing bags of gifts as they scurry by. Men who don’t want to be here on a Saturday curse us as they fight through the crowds to get around us. I don’t care about any of them. I only care about the woman standing in front of me. The woman who currently won’t look me in the eye. The woman who I know wants more but won’t allow herself to catch up. Nothing is more important than making her see that she means more to me than she seems to know.

  “Alex, I think you know that I want more. And I don’t mean sex. I know that we aren’t on the same page when it comes to what we want from each other. Hell, we aren’t even on the same chapter. I just hope we’re at least reading the same book. I promised not to rush you. I am here…here waiting for you to catch up. And just so you know, I’m not going anywhere. Now, give me my phone and take me shopping woman!”

  I stick my arm out so that she can take it again. She smiles, puts her arm through mine and all is well in the world. Putting that smile on her face makes me feel like a superhero. A superhero who can handle a day at the mall as long as his Sweet Thing is by his side.

  Alex

  “No way! You have got to be kidding me! How was this going on in my own home and I never got to witness it?”

  “Mick, you were never around. You and Riley were way too cool to be hanging out with your little sister and her friends. You were out in the big bad world being…well, being Mickey Jacobs. You didn’t have time to hang out with a bunch of thirteen-year olds.”

  “If I had known that there were choreographed dance routines to Jennifer Lopez and Gwen Stefani happening, I would have found the time…I promise you that. You have no idea what kind of big brother gold mine that would have been. I would have had reason to give Emmers a hard time for the rest of our lives!”

  “I think you might have been surprised at how good we were, especially Emily. I do have to say that our Lady Marmalade was the best. You have no idea how sorry you are that you missed that one!” I laugh.

  With tears coming out of his eyes from the laughter the image the three of us lip syncing and dancing has brought to his mind he asks, “Please tell me you were Pink!”

  “Why would I be Pink?”

  “She’s the hot, feisty one. I would much rather imagine you as Pink,” he says with a lift of his eyebrows. “Christina was already ‘dirty’ and Maya was too timid. Oh wait, there’s Little Kim too…hmmmm….”

  “Oh, just stop it! I wasn’t Christina. I wasn’t Maya or Lil’ Kim either.”

  “Ahhhhh, yes! I was right! Do I know you or what? Please tell me there is video of you doing your best naughty version of Pink! Oh, sweet Jesus that needs to exist. It sucks that there was no such thing as the cloud back then. Maybe if I’m good I can get you to repeat it someday.” He smiles and takes a bite of his pizza.

  I ruin his appetite when I remind him that a recreation of the routine would also result in him seeing his sister as timid Maya but also as raunchy Lil’ Kim crawling around on a big four poster bed. He spits his pizza out and curses me for putting the image in his head.

  “I guess I’ll just have to conjure up my own video replay of only you as Pink in my head.”

  “Well, if that’s the case maybe you should pick a different song.”

  “And, what song would that be, Sweet Thing?”

  “I think You and Your Hand might be a more accurate Pink song for me to sing to you,” I say with a sassy little smile on my lips. I don’t think that was the answer he was expecting. When an olive hits me in the face and he tells me to shut up, my suspicions are confirmed. I just stick my tongue out at him and he gives me a gentle smile.

  “Thanks for today, Alex. I really appreciate the help.”

  “Of course, Mick. You know I love to shop. Besides, you’re shopping for three of my favorite ladies so that makes it that much more fun. I have to admit I don’t know much about Sidney. Emily never talks about your half-sister. What’s she like?”

  “I know, Emily really hasn’t been able to forgive our dad. I don’t think that she likes that I have a relationship with him. It’s not much of a relationship, but I do talk to him and try to stay in touch so that I don’t lose contact with Sidney. It’s not her fault that her dad is a philandering drunk. She’s a pretty sweet kid and I think you’d like her. I can’t believe she’s twelve now. It seems like yesterday that Emily and I were watching Mom pick up the pieces of her life. It would be so much easier to hate him, but he’s my dad.”

  “Trust me, I understand.”

  “Alex, I don’t know how you do it. How do you go visit him and help take care of him after what he put you and your mom through all those years?”

  “My mom. That’s the answer, Mick. If it wasn’t for her…well, if it wasn’t for her I doubt I would have any contact with him at all. But we aren’t talking about me. Tell me more about Sidney,” I say trying to get the conversation on anything other than my parents.

  “I get it, Alex. I do. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but if you ever do need to talk you know I’m here, right?”

  “I do. Thank you. Now tell me about your sister.”

  He gives me a smile and a small shake of the head. He knows I’m deflecting but he lets me get away with it by picking up where we left off talking about his little sister.

  “Let’s see…Sidney. She’s pretty cool. I think she and Ireland would have a blast together. They both have those blond curls and big brown eyes. Sidney’s hair isn’t as light as it used to be but it’s still blond. She’s really athletic. She plays sports all year-round. Volleyball and Softball are her favorites. I’d love to take Ireland to one of her games sometime, but it might be awhile before Emily’s ready for that.”

  Not giving it a second thought I reach across the table and grab his hand. “She’ll get there, sweetie. I know she will.”

  “You think?” he asks as he turns his hand over and I start rubbing my fingers over his palm.

  “I do, Mick. Now that she’s back home with everybody that loves her, her life is going to feel more stable. Having Jonathan as a part of that foundation will make her that much stronger. Don’t get me wrong, she’s the strongest person I know, but having his support and ours is going to give her a confidence that she didn’t have before.”

  “What about you, Alex?”

  “Of course, I support her. Emily is like a sister to me.”

  “No, Alex. What about you? Who supports you? Who gives you all of your strength?”

  His words squeeze my heart and steal the air from my lungs. If only he knew what he was doing to me. He makes it so hard to not want to move things to the next level.

  “Alex. Talk to me.”

  Why does he keep bringing the topic of conversation back to me? He knows that this is a loaded question. He knows that strong is not a word that has ever been used to describe me. He knows this better than anybody.

  “Mick, I think you know that I haven’t found my strength yet. If I were strong like Emily, would I have let Kevin into my life? I’ve been cheated on, lied to and now…well, you know what else. I’m not strong, but I’m trying Mick. I am trying.”

  “Alexandra Stotts, you are strong. Your entire childhood you dealt with what was going on behind the walls of your home without telling a soul. You went to school, got good grades, played basketball, ran track and had a social life. You never let it stop you from living your life and you did it without leaning on those closest to you.”

  “M
ick, don’t.”

  “Alex, you are just as strong as Emily, if not stronger. Everybody knew Emily’s secret and she had all of our support. Imagine how much stronger you could be if you let those that care about you in. Emily and Cami would do anything for you. Alex, I’d do anything for you.” He turns our hands so that he can interlace our fingers. “I would love to be the person that gives you that extra strength. I know you don’t need it, but it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to be the person that you lean on. That person that gives you that strength.”

  “Mick, you have been there for me. You were there that night at my parents’ house and you stayed with me at the hospital all night long. You saved me from Kevin. You’ve helped me more than anybody ever has,” I say avoiding the fact that he basically says he wants to be with me and wants more than friendship.

  “Alex, I don’t want to rescue you again. I don’t know if I could survive seeing you like I did when I walked into your place the other day. I don’t…”

  “I’m so sorry, Mick. I know rescuing me over and over again isn’t your responsibility…”

  “You didn’t let me finish. I wasn’t done. Can I continue, please?” I nod my head to grant him the sarcastic permission he’s seeking. “Thank you. What I was going to say was that I don’t want to rescue you again…but I will rescue you over and over if that is what it takes to keep you safe. I know we aren’t on the same page, Alex, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  Our server interrupts our talk to drop off the check, thank God. At his arrival, I pull my hand back and reach for my purse. Before I can get my wallet out, Mick has already put cash down and tells him to keep the change.

  “Mick, you didn’t have to get lunch, how much was my part?”

  “It’s the least I can do. Shopping hasn’t been so torturous with you on my arm,” he says with that classic Mickey Jacobs smile that I know has broken many hearts.

  “Well, thank you, but you didn’t need to. I’m having fun and I think I finished all of my shopping today too. What’s left on your list?”

  “I know what you’re doing, Alex. It’s the holiday season and for that reason, and that reason only I will let you get away with ending our conversation. I’ve put it out there and you know where I stand. I don’t want to pressure you, but I know you feel something too. I know you have a list as long as your arm for the reasons why we shouldn’t try this,” he motions the space between us with his finger. “But I’m here anytime day or night if you decide you want to discuss that list. Until then, I’ll still be here…waiting for you to catch up. Got it?”

  “Got it,” I say softly. My eyes never leaving his. His eyes convey the sincerity with which he just spoke. Mickey Jacobs has just laid down the gauntlet. He wants me. How did this happen? What do I do?

  Not letting me sit and contemplate what his words truly mean to me, he stands and offers me his hand. “Come on, sweet thing, let’s finish this shopping trip up and get the hell out of here.”

  And just like he always does, he lightens the mood. He knows that in my head I’m analyzing everything he just said and could very well start panicking. But doing what he does best, he changes the tone and makes things casual again. I take his hand, and as we walk out of the restaurant he brings his arm around me, pulls me in close and kisses me on the top of my head.

  God, I love this man.

  I love him and I do not know what to do about it.

  CHAPTER

  THIRTEEN

  Family Portrait

  Alex

  “Hi, sweetie! Look who’s here!” My mom says with more excitement than I’ve heard from her in years.

  Walking into my dad’s room here at Cascade Assisted Living, I look to my left where my dad’s bed and recliner sit and see the smiling face of my Aunt Lena.

  Rushing to her I exclaim. “Aunt Lena! It’s so good to see you! What are you doing here?”

  Throwing her arms around me she says, “Oh, honey. It’s good to see you too! Now let these old eyes take a look at the most beautiful niece in the whole world.”

  Shaking my head but taking a step back I say, “I’m your only niece. Nice try though.”

  “You are still a vision and I am so glad you got here when you did. I’ve come to take you ladies to tea! I have hats and everything!” She says clapping her hands together.

  “Tea? Hats? What?”

  “Yes, isn’t it great, Alexandra? Lena wants to take us to holiday tea at the Heathman!”

  Yes, it is great but I also know that Mick has a date there today. He booked this date months ago and now he’s going to think I’m there stalking him.

  “That’s great Aunt Lena, but how did you get Christmas Eve reservations? You have to book months in advance for a chance at a table during the holidays.”

  “I’ve been planning this for ages. I knew you two would just be sitting here with Randall, so I thought I would surprise you! I know we’ll see each other tomorrow with the rest of the family, but I thought some girl time might be nice. Besides, this is our last chance. The Heathman is closing the tearoom after the holidays. I just had to get us in there before that happened. So, good surprise?”

  “It’s a great surprise, Aunt Lena. What time are our reservations for?”

  Please don’t say noon.

  “1:00. So, we have a couple of hours before we have to get going. I’m so glad you two ladies have kept with your tradition of dressing up when you come to visit Randall for the holidays. I was just telling him how much I love the little Christmas tree you’ve brought in for him.” She says referring to the two foot, pre-lit tree that sits on his dresser.

  “That’s all Mom. You know how she is about tradition and the holidays,” I say as I put my arm around my mom and give her some love. I don’t know how or why she does it but she still takes care of my dad as if they had the most beautiful marriage in history. That’s the only reason I’m here. This tiny, silver-haired woman who took so much for so many years.

  The day my dad had his stroke was scary, sad and liberating.

  When we were given the diagnosis of paralysis on his left side and a loss of speech, Mom was devastated. Dad was the bread winner for our household, but in my mind my mom should have felt relief. Relief that she wouldn’t have to live in fear of being beaten or berated on a daily basis. Even once she had a job, made new friends and got to have a life for the first time in twenty years, she was still depressed. Turns out she really loves my dad and can’t seem to find herself without him. She visits him most days after work and we spend every holiday, big and small, with him. We’ve had to move him a few times due to his cantankerous ways, but I’m really hoping he gets to stay here. He doesn’t always treat the staff well, and this has been the fourth home we’ve put him in. I don’t blame the facilities that have asked us to find a new home for him. I know exactly how they feel. They just don’t know how lucky they are that he can’t talk.

  “Oh, honey. You know how much it means to your father to have us here. I know your dad is thrilled right now to have his three favorite girls here together. Isn’t that right, Randall?”

  I finally have to acknowledge the man in the recliner. My mom is leaning over him and kissing his cheek while my father stares right through me. He’s given up. He can’t berate us anymore and he isn’t the powerful force over us that he once was. In general, I no longer have any feelings for my dad. Good or bad. I don’t have a resounding anger towards him, nor do I have an outpouring of love for him. If it wasn’t for my mom, I would never see him again and I would have erased him from my life. When I’m here with Mom and I have to watch her dote all over him, I feel sick. I feel sick that she takes such good care of a man that made her life a living hell for decades.

  It’s also a rude awakening. It shows me what would have been my future if Mick hadn’t saved me just a few short weeks ago. I see the depths that I had sunk to with Kevin.

  Shame.

  Seeing my parents together makes me feel shame and regret. I
don’t do regret, and having Mick in my life is making me realize that it’s time I start doing something about that.

  “Hi, Dad. How are you?” I finally ask him.

  Playing the role of the caring daughter is one that I have perfected. Aunt Lena doesn’t know the truth about our lives, so I play my part. I set down the small gift in my hand and place it on the table next to his sad little Charlie Brown tree.

  After making small talk for about twenty minutes and watching my mom feed him his lunch, we finally get ready to leave. Every time I leave his room I feel a frisson of fear slowly start to melt away. I’m no longer afraid of him, but I am still haunted by the feelings of the little girl that I used to be. These last couple of months I seem to be haunted by the ghost of what could have been.

  No more.

  I’ll continue to show up on holidays, for my mom, but that is all he gets from me. No more than that. I have to make better decisions for myself and those that I have in my life.

  “So, ladies…are you ready? Let’s go eat tea and crumpets! I have our hats out in the car and I’ll drive! Today is all about me treating the two of you!”

  I don’t even wave goodbye as my aunt rushes us out the door. I feel stronger leaving today than I did when I arrived. The only thing that was different was me. My eyes have been opened and I saw the scene in front of me with fresh eyes. Eyes that Mick has helped to open. I see what I don’t want. Who I don’t want to be. I realize that I am in control of my life. I owe that realization to the sweet man that wants to give me more. I am stronger, but I’m not strong enough to give my heart and soul to Mick. Not yet.

  I need time.

  Time to be the strong woman that I want to be on my own and not just because I have Mick there to hold my hand. I’ve always let men dictate my life, and even though I know that Mick is different and would never intentionally hurt me, I still need to do this on my own. I don’t want to, but I know it’s what I need to do.