Circular Motion
Page 20
I pulled back. “Sorry.”
“No, no… it’s ok.”
She responded quickly but it was still awkward, at least for me. I wished I hadn’t done it. I didn’t want to do anything to her.
“You can kiss me, if you want.”
She was staring in front towards the muted TV so to me she was just a profile silhouetted by light coming in through the motel window. I kissed her once quickly and softly on the cheek. Then again I neared her but held back and hovered brushing my lips against skin like snow. The light it came though her skin on the edges translucent and I could see the peach fuzz in the aura.
But I didn’t want to do anything.
“I’ll be back, I wanna wash up.” I know I kinda blurted it out but I really needed to step back and think. I headed into the bathroom.
I opened one of the packets with a toothbrush in it. There wasn’t any toothpaste to be found but after I put the brush in my mouth suds appeared so I guess the brush came with some paste already on it. I was looking in the mirror and saw my face haggard like I’d been taking too much heroin. You could make out my cheekbones and under my eyes there wasn’t any flesh, just skin. And then I saw my hand as I brushed and could see veins pop out and the bone structure of my fingers as they extended through my palm and into my wrist. I stopped with the brushing and put my hands on my face and stretched the skin taunt thinking I was ugly. My hair ragged and split and my blemished skin thinking I was ugly. My nose and scars on my hand thinking I was ugly. My overbite and nail scratches on my arms thinking I was ugly. Then I closed my eyes and held my head in my hands and tried to keep from crying.
I washed my toothbrush clean under running water from the sink. The water refracted the light from off the bristles and distorted the image like that time with the statue in the park.
Back in the bedroom I laid down on the mattress to rest for a bit but went to sleep after a few seconds. I didn’t want to go to sleep but I did anyway. I remember Mustardseed putting a blanket over me and singing something. She was singing something like 'sky, far away sky, the blue sky it dreams, see the clouds' but its meaning was lost on me.
I don’t remember any dreams.
#
The next morning I woke up without knowing who I was. It’s like in those video games where you’re charmed by a sorcerer and attack your own party. I wouldn’t have recognized my parents or given them any emotion. But it only lasted for a little while. Then the neurotransmitters crept back into my head and I felt normal again. I wonder what kind of dream would make me feel like that. Feel so distant. Charmed into not knowing myself.
But then Mustardseed kinda popped up and was hovering over me and I could see her hair come down from above. I looked up at her. She was smiling. Her smile was about little French girls in white dresses and bonnets that were white on the side of the road picking flowers in the sunshine with big pink puffy clouds overhead. It was orange and so happy. “Hello.”
“Hello,” she said. She was still smiling.
I could hear music from a radio playing in the background. She kissed me. It was big band music. I always wanted to dance like Astaire. Looking at her made me feel weird. Orange and so happy. I was getting kinda silly. “I want to ride a hot air balloon.”
“What? You’re silly.” She put her hand across my chest and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I meant it though. I remember having dreams about flying over rice-paddies in the sun and etched rock patterns like the Grand Canyon and then texture-mapped polygons made to look like etched rock patterns like the Grand Canyon. It’s kinda the same feeling as this other dream I have every now and then about driving in the tropics through a tunnel and coming out on a short bridge leading to a tiny mountain/island all green and waterfally with mermaids diving into the ocean but I think the hot air balloon thing would be easier to live out. (onazi kanji) I wanted to see if I could force déjà-vu, force prophecy. I’m not sure what made me think about it, maybe the air-currents and the silliness that softened movement and thought. “I don’t wanna forget this.”
“Why not?” she said. I think she liked to think. I never liked thinking. I usually like to forget things cuz then you don’t have to remember them. “Forgetting stuff is good. It makes them become subconscious parts of you.”
It makes me sad. Thinking, I mean. But I really didn't want to forget this. “Someone told me that once.”
“Who?” I think she was happy. I was happy for her. I was thinking about thinking. Sometimes I drink a lot when I’m sad and thinking.
“A friend of mine. I thought it was silly.” I could smell her hair again. Cinnamon it was of course.
“You the one that’s silly, aho,” she said. I remember still thinking about thinking. I really didn’t want to forget cuz I wanted to stay here forever. I was running out of things to say though. People don’t like it when you don’t have anything to say to them. But it’s bound to happen eventually in any closed system, right?
“What do you want to do today?” The sun was behind her but I could still see her face. The morning was warm.
“Let’s stay inside.” She smiled again. I think I loved her. I saw the ceiling fan on the ceiling. It was spinning slowly. I felt dazed. “I probably won’t be very good, not like the ones you’ve had before.”
I was still dazed. The sun felt good. I wasn't sure what she meant although it was kinda a generic line. “Why not?”
She jiggled her head. She stopped and looked at me funny. But then she kissed me again and it was ok. The fan was keeping time for us. Whoosh, whoosh.
“Oh.” I smiled. I rubbed my eyes. They were itching. My contacts were still in. I guess I left them in overnight. “I gotta take my contacts out.”
I got out of bed. The air was warm, too. Whoosh, whoosh.
I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He looked sad. I mean I looked sad. Pedro would say, 'Pedro looked sad,' if he was talking about himself maybe. I missed Pedro. The faucet was dripping. I tried to turn in off but I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough. It bothered me though because it reminded me of before. This was supposed to be different. There was a spare contact case on the cabinet. I guess maybe she put it there for me. I took my contacts out and put them in the empty case. I rinsed them first though. I always forget to take them out and then my eyes turn red. I remember wishing I were still in kindergarten. I don't remember why, maybe because I didn't need contacts back in kindergarten. Maybe I just wished I could go back and relive my childhood. I hope later in life I’ll grow so I will want to come back and relive this too.
I was gonna put the spare contact case back in the medicine cabinet but I didn't. I'm ashamed about that.
I was gonna go back to bed with her but I didn't. I was gonna stay with her forever but I didn't. Maybe I should have shot her or myself or something. I remembered the gun I bought before. But I didn't even do that.
I put the contact case in my pocket and walked back into the bedroom. I could see her hair fanned out over the pillow with her eyes closed I think daydreaming. (Solomon) I wanted to touch her again but in the end all I did was run away like before.
I left the room and even on the way out I could still hear the faucet.
I left the room and walked out on to the street blind with red contact irritated eyes and afterwards I couldn’t smell the cinnamon anymore.
(circular motion)