Critical Failures (Caverns and Creatures Book 1)

by Robert Bevan

  Dave looked from Julian to Cooper. “You can't really expect us to-”

  “Tim's in trouble,” Cooper said. “Wherever they've got him locked up, he's having to fight. He's made it up til now, but who knows how much of that was blind luck. He won't hold out forever in there.” He trudged over to the bamboo patch and tore off three straws, each about a foot in length.

  “What's your name?” Julian asked the driver.

  “Miguel.”

  “What do you say, Miguel? If you want your cart back when we're done, you're welcome to come along.”

  “If it's all the same to you, good people,” said Miguel, “I think I'll just catch up with you on foot. Algor is not a big place. I'm sure I will find my cart.”

  “No way,” growled Cooper. “The little guy comes with us. We can't have him alerting the authorities to our presence before we're ready to make our move.”

  “That's right,” said Dave. “Anyway, my misery could use a little more company.”

  Miguel looked to Julian for a way out.

  “Uh...” said Julian. “Maybe I should wear your hat and... what's that thing called?”

  “It's a serape.”

  “And your serape until this is done. It'll be nice to have something clean to wear.”

  “Thank you, sir,” said Miguel, handing over the hat and serape.

  Dave nudged Cooper and whispered. “Did that guy just thank Julian for stealing his clothes and making him bury himself in shit?”

  Cooper shrugged. “Good Diplomacy check.”

  “What do you think?” asked Julian, after donning the hat and serape. He held his hands out as if he had a pistol in each one.

  “Not bad,” said Dave.

  “It's a good look for you,” said Cooper.

  “How much do you want for this?” Julian asked Miguel.

  “I'm sorry?”

  “I like how this looks on me,” Julian explained. “I'd like to buy it from you.”

  “You want to buy my clothes?”

  “That's right. Name your price.”

  “One piece of silver would be sufficient,” said Miguel.

  “Fuck that,” said Julian.

  “I humbly beg your pardon, sir. I didn't mean-”

  “How much money do we have?” Julian asked Dave, who was holding the party's money.

  Dave looked in the money pouch. “About six gold pieces. We've got some silver too.”

  “Give this guy a gold piece. He's really being a good sport about all of this.”

  Dave looked at Cooper.

  Cooper shrugged. “It's C&C,” he said. “How hard is gold to come by?”

  Dave flicked a gold coin to Julian, who flicked it to Miguel.

  Miguel caught the coin with both of his hands and looked at it. His eyes went wide, and a little bit watery. “May the gods smile down upon you, sir!” he said, attempting to remove his hat, and then remembering he was no longer wearing one. “This will feed my family for a-”

  “Don't sweat it, dude.” said Julian. “Do you know where the prison is in there?”

  “Prison?”

  “Jail? Correctional facility? Penitentiary? Place where they put the bad people?”

  “Dungeon?”

  “Sure.”

  “There is a small dungeon under the Lord's mansion,” said Miguel.

  “Hey guys,” said Julian. “I think I'm going to have Miguel ride up here with me. He seems to know his way around.”

  Cooper just snorted his disapproval. Dave spoke his. “I don't think that's a good-”

  “If it's all the same to you, sir,” Miguel spoke up. “I think I'll ride in the shit.”

  Julian gave him a dejected look.

  “I don't know what you've got planned,” explained Miguel. “And I don't want to know. But after all is said and done, I'd like to ride away with my mule and cart full of shit without anyone knowing that I was a part of it.”

  Julian shrugged. “That's fair enough.” He would have really liked to have someone up there with him when he spoke to the guards at the gate though. In truth, he kind of envied his friends who would be hiding safely in a cart, buried in shit.

  Cooper passed out the lengths of bamboo, and was the first to climb into the cart. The manure was dry and crumbly on top, but grew wetter, squishier, and warmer the further in he burrowed. “Not so bad once you're in,” he said, grinning. He put his own bamboo straw into his mouth, closed his eyes, and ducked his head under.

  “Not so bad for him,” said Dave. “He's used to smelling like shit.” He turned to Miguel. “After you.”

  Miguel shrugged. He tucked his gold coin into a pocket, put the bamboo in his mouth, and burrowed in next to Cooper.

  Dave looked at Julian. “Good luck, dude. This should be a piece of piss for you. If you run into any trouble, just pull out our straws.” He buried himself on the other side of Miguel.

  Julian climbed up to the head of the cart, and covered the contents as best he could, leaving a little room on his end for the three straws to poke out. Ravenus perched on the edge of the cart next to him. He tugged on the reins.

  “Uh... Go, mule,” he said. The mule didn't move.

  He turned to Ravenus. “I don't suppose you know anything about mules, do you?”

  Ravenus shook his head and raised his wings in a shrug.

  “You mind going and giving him a peck on the ass?”

  “Not at all,” said Ravenus, and flew down to land on the mule. The mule made an ineffective swipe at him with his tail, and Ravenus turned around and looked up at Julian. Julian nodded. Ravenus bent over and pecked the mule as hard as his beak would peck. The mule let out a whinny and started to walk.

  It was a twenty minute trek back to the town gates. Julian could make out one guard leaning against the wall as he approached. “Well,” he said out of the corner of his mouth to Ravenus. “Here goes.”

  “I have every confidence in you, sir.”

  The mule clopped along steadily to the entrance.

  “Good morning,” said Julian enthusiastically.

  The guard, who had barely bothered to glance at him up til now, offered back a narrow-eyed sneer, as if to say that this morning was anything but good from his point of view. From the look of his bloodshot eyes, the previous night had been much better, at this morning's expense.

  The mule continued through the gate to no one's objection, which was for the best, as Julian wasn't sure how to make it stop. The town looked much smaller from the inside, and Julian could see all of it. If there was anything that was going to pass for a “Lord's mansion,” it was the building directly in front of him. To his right were a saloon, a general store, a blacksmith's shop, and a stable. To his left were a cluster of buildings which were not immediately identifiable.

  Julian guessed that they had arrived during the window of time in the day not far after all the previous night's drinking had been done, but just before the current day's drinking had begun. The streets were empty, except for one guard standing outside of what Julian had guessed to be the Lord's mansion. He steered the cart around the side of the saloon and then behind it, hoping that this was not a conspicuous place to steer a cart full of shit, or, failing that, that the guard idly watching him was too hungover to give a damn.

  Having made it behind the saloon, out of sight, as far as he could tell, from any eyes, he steered the mule directly toward the back of the building, trusting it to have the presence of mind to stop before ramming the wall with its head. He plucked out the bamboo straws. Six arms floundered up through the surface of shit like a stop motion film of plants sprouting out of the earth. They each dug frantically at their own faces.

  Cooper reached his face first and sucked in a breath of air. His subsequent exhalation carried the words “You fucking asshole” toward Julian. He stood up, grabbed one of Miguel's arms, lifted him out, and set him down on the ground. Then he grabbed both of Dave's arms and pulled him upright. “You could have just knocked on the side or s
omething.”

  “Sorry,” said Julian. “I wanted to see what your reaction time would have been in a real emergency. Not very impressive, really.”

  Dave tumbled over the side of the cart and hit the ground hard. He lay on the ground panting. Miguel picked bits of shit off of himself and threw them back into the cart.

  Cooper spent a couple of seconds getting his breathing under control. “Anyway. Good job getting us through.”

  “Thanks,” said Julian, a little uneasily. “I feel different somehow. I don't know. It's hard to explain.”

  Dave sat up and caught his breath. “You're probably just relieved at having made it through a difficult, and potentially dangerous, situation. Give your heart a minute to calm down. You'll be all right.”

  “No,” said Julian. “It's not that. This doesn't feel like when Melissa missed her period for a month. This is something else. It's a good feeling, I think.”

  “Holy shit,” said Cooper. “I think I know what this is. Take a look at your character sheet.”

  Julian pulled the tube out of his bag, and unrolled his sheet. He raised his eyebrows, and looked at Dave and Cooper. “One thousand points, on the nose.”

  “So what are you now?” asked Dave. “A second level wizard, or did you take a level in sorcerer?”

  Julian looked at the other side of his sheet. “Level 1 Wizard, Level 1 Sorcerer,” he said.

  “Sweet,” said Cooper. “I don't think you're going to regret that.”

  “So I've got some more spells now, right? I can actually be of some use when we go in there.”

  “Nah,” said Cooper. “You'll still be useless today. You've still got to study your spells for an hour.”

  “Study them from what?” asked Julian. “You said Sorcerers don't use a book.”

  “I don't know,” said Cooper. “Study them from your head or whatever.”

  “Actually,” said Dave. “I played a sorcerer last summer. He only needs to spend fifteen minutes concentrating on his spells.”

  “Oh yeah?” asked Cooper. “We could probably put off this rescue another fifteen minutes. Start concentrating.”

  “On what?”

  “I don't know. Look at your character sheet. What spells do you have?”

  “In my spellbook?”

  “No,” said Cooper. “Those are wizard spells. Look for a list of sorcerer spells.”

  “Okay,” said Julian. “I found it, but it's blank.” Holding the page in his hand, his thumb slipped, and he realized he was holding two sheets of paper. The second one had two lists of spells on it. One list was labeled 0-level, and the other was labeled 1st-level. “Hey look at this,” said Julian without looking up. “It looks like I get to choose what I want. What do you think I should-” Looking up, he saw that everything around him was still. Cooper was staring at him, but at the same time not staring at him at all. It was more like he was staring through him. He got up to move, but Cooper's eyes didn't follow him.

  He looked over at Dave, who was frozen in conversation with Miguel. Even Ravenus was frozen in midair chasing after a dragonfly. Leaves hung in the air in mid-fall from their trees. Julian reached out to touch a single white fluff of dandelion. It was solid and immovable.

  Miguel's mule turned its head toward him. “Not this time, buddy,” it said. “You choose your own spells.”

  “Mordred!” Julian said accusingly.

  “That's right.”

  “Why are you talking through the mule. Why not the head?”

  “It's stuck in Cooper's bag. This way is easier.”

  “So what do I have to do now?”

  “Choose your spells,” said the mule. “You get four 0-level spells and two first-level spells. Choose wisely.”

  Julian looked at the 0-level spell list. “Most of these 0-level spells seem to suck.”

  “That's why they're 0-level spells. If you use your imagination, some of them can be quite useful.”

  “Is Detect Magic a good spell?”

  “Maybe.”

  “It's good enough. I'll take it. What about Read Magic?”

  “You already know that one by heart because of your wizard level.”

  “This is so fucking confusing. Light looks useful. I'll take that.”

  “Okay,” said the mule. “Two more.”

  “Ooh...,” said Julian. “Mage Hand looks cool. That's like telekinesis, isn't it?”

  “A very limited form, yes.”

  “I could see that being useful in a number of different circumstances.”

  “Now you're getting the hang of it.”

  “I should take one offensive spell. It's a choice between Acid Splash, Ray of Frost, and Disrupt Undead.” He read the descriptions of all three. “The first two are weaker, but the third is limited in its potential targets.”

  “A conundrum,” said the mule.

  “I'll take Disrupt Undead. I'll grab some more badass all-purpose spells later on.”

  “Okay,” said the mule. “That's 0-level taken care of. What would you like for your two first-level spells?”

  “I want that Magic Missile spell again.”

  “Are you sure? You've already got it as a wizard.”

  “But I can only cast it once per day, right?”

  “That's right.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Yes,” said the mule. “I suppose it does. Okay, Magic Missile it is, then. What would you like for your other one?”

  Julian looked over the list. “We'll probably need to make a speedy exit. The spell Mount, it summons a horse, right?”

  “That's right.”

  “If I used it more than once, could I summon horses for my friends?”

  “The description of the spell says the horse serves you.”

  “It would serve me well by carrying my friends.”

  “A reasonable argument. Sure.”

  “Then I'm done.”

  Time started up again. Leaves completed their journeys to the ground. Ravenus caught the dragonfly and perched on a post. The dandelion fluff blew away on the breeze.

  “What the fuck?” said Cooper. “Julian?”

  “Oh, hey,” said Julian. “Sorry, I'm over here.”

  “Did you just cast a Blink spell?”

  “No,” said Julian. “I didn't see it on the list.”

  “That's because it's a third-level spell,” said Cooper. “What just happened?”

  “Mordred happened,” said Julian. “He stopped time so you guys couldn't help me choose my spells.”

  “What an asshole,” said Cooper. “So what did you choose?”

  Julian showed him the list.

  “Mount? As in what I did to your mom last night?”

  “It summons a horse,” said Julian. “I thought it might come in handy if we find Tim and need to get our asses out of here in a hurry. I can summon four horses if I don't use any other first-level spells.”

  “Hmm...” said Cooper. “Good thinking. That might come in handy after all.”

  Chapter 9

  Mordred sat alone at a table in the dining area of the Chicken Hut, sucking the last bit of meat off of a chicken wing bone. He tossed the bone onto a pile of its peers, licked his fingers, and wiped them on his jeans. He was slurping down the remaining contents of a Coca-Cola can when the front door bells jingled. He covered his mouth with his hands to avoid spraying Coke all over the books and dice. What soda he didn’t choke on exploded into his hands and ran down his beard and T-shirt.

  “Oh shit!” he said between chokes.

  “Sorry,” said Katherine. “Didn't mean to disrupt your little nerd party. I forgot my... hey, where is everybody?”

  Mordred doubled over, trying to hack the Coke out of his lungs. “They uh...” he stammered, “went out for more beer.” That sounded reasonable enough.

  “All of them?”

  “Ah well, you know how boys are.” He wiped sweat, coke, and chicken grease from his beard with the back of his hand.

&n
bsp; Katherine narrowed her eyes at Mordred for a moment, and then broke off the stare and walked back into the kitchen.

  It will all be over soon. She’s a pretty girl on a Friday night. She’s got no reason to suspect that anything is wrong with her bro–

  A Super Mario Bros. ringtone rang out from the players’ table. Shit. Mordred clutched his dice bag.

  “Time to talk, Stuffed Crust,” said Katherine, stomping back in from the kitchen. She pressed a button on her phone and the ringing stopped. “Where the hell is my brother?”

  “I… I told you!” Mordred tugged at his beard. “They all went out for more beer.”

  “The shops around here are all closed,” said Katherine. The pitch of her voice was rising. She was beginning to panic. “There are three full cases of beer in the walk-in freezer. Don’t bullshit me, fat boy. You tell me where my brother is, or I call the cops!”

  Mordred fumbled with the draw string of his pouch. “Look, I’m sorry.” His mind raced to find words as he spoke them. “Your brother and his friends told me that they were going out for beer. It was just a few minutes ago.” He grabbed a black die from the bag. “It’s likely that they are just playing a trick on me. I’m sure they’ll be back any second now.”

  “He wouldn’t have gone out without his phone,” said Katherine. Her voice trembled slightly. “Look,” she pointed at the players’ table. “Cooper, Dave, and that other guy. They just decided to leave their phones behind as well?”

  “I assure you, they’ll be back in just a minute. Why don’t you join us?” He tossed the black die in Katherine’s direction.

  Katherine snatched the die out of the air and let out an exasperated shriek. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” She raised a hand threateningly. “I am going to tear your fat, hairy throat out!” Each of her fingers ended in long, painted nails that lent credence to her threat. She threw the die, missing his face only by an inch or two. It bounced off of a wall. She lunged at Mordred.

  The die bounced off of a table before hitting the floor. Mordred raised his forearms to protect his neck, but Katherine vanished just before she could take some of his skin with her.