by Robert Bevan
Katherine walked bleary-eyed over to Tim. “What’s going on?” She yawned, rubbed her eyes, and looked down. “Oh my god! What happened to you?” she asked Ravenus.
“Timberly here shot me.”
“It’s Timothy,” said Tim.
“It’s Fuckhead,” argued Ravenus.
“You shot Jonathan’s pet?” Katherine asked her brother. “Why the hell did you do that?”
“My master’s name is Julian, and I’m not his fucking pet,” demanded Ravenus. “I’m his familiar.”
“You’re getting quite a mouth on you,” said Katherine. “You’ve been hanging around Cooper too long.” She turned to Tim. “Why did you shoot him?”
“It was an accident,” said Tim.
“Yeah,” said Ravenus. “His arrow just sort of fell out of his hand.”
“He came out of nowhere,” Tim defended himself. “I thought he was attacking me.”
“Would somebody mind taking this arrow out of my wing?” asked Ravenus.
“Oh, right,” said Katherine. “I’m sorry. I’ll get it.”
“I’d rather he do it,” said Ravenus.
“What difference does it make?” asked Tim. “I’m sure she’s going to be more gentle than I am. Look at my giant hands and stubby fingers.”
“Yeah, but if it hurts coming out, I’m going to bite the shit out of you.”
“Fine, you little cocksucker. Come here.” Tim walked over to Ravenus, got down on one knee, and tried to figure out the best way to pull the arrow out while causing the least amount of pain. The head of the arrow was barbed, so it wouldn’t do to pull it out the way it went in. The fletching was bound to the shaft pretty tightly, and would be hard to remove, and probably uncomfortable going through the wound.
Then an idea occurred to him. “Okay,” he said. “Hold really still.”
Ravenus held still, but Tim could still feel him quivering.
As carefully and deliberately as he could, Tim broke the tail off the arrow and pulled the shaft through. “There you go.”
Ravenus exhaled. “That wasn’t so bad.” Then he quickly bit Tim’s arm. It drew a small bead of blood.
“Ow!” Tim screamed and pulled back his arm. “What was that for, you ungrateful little shit?”
“Because fuck you, that’s why!” Ravenus let out a wild caw and tried to fly to the safety of a tree branch, but only got in two flaps off the ground before the pain in his wing reminded him that he wasn’t going to be doing any flying anytime soon. He smacked head-first into the trunk of the tree and fell to the ground. Katherine suppressed a giggle. Tim didn’t.
Ravenus looked as pissed off as any bird that isn’t an eagle is able to look.
“Where have you been?” she asked. “You’ve been gone for hours.”
Ravenus lowered his head kicked an acorn with one of his talons. “I met a nice young female raven, and... well, she was impressed that I could speak elven.”
“You mean to say you were fucking this whole time?”
Ravenus lifted his wings in a shrug, flinching slightly at the pain in his wounded wing. “I’ll just say that my cloaca is at least as sore as my wing.”
“Nice,” said Tim.
“Ugh,” said Katherine. “Well the good news is that I’m not hungry anymore.” She stomped back toward the others. “Fucking men, all alike.” Then she stopped in sudden recollection and turned around. “You were supposed to be scouting the area to warn us of any danger!”
Ravenus stood up tall and proud. “I have nothing to report. The area is secure.”
“We were attacked by a fucking troll while you were away!”
“Oh,” said Ravenus, lowering his head. “I’m sorry.” He picked his head back up. “Well, at least no one was hurt.”
“My boyfriend was hurt!” Katherine shouted back at him. “He was hurt badly.”
“Wait a second,” said Ravenus. “Are you talking about that guy with the silk pirate shirt?”
“Yes.”
“That guy’s your boyfriend?”
“We’ve been on a couple dates.”
“I wouldn’t have thought he swung that way,” Ravenus mused. “So he still has his junk?”
“What?”
“His... I don’t know what they’re called on humans. His baby makers?”
“Balls?” suggested Tim.
“If you like.”
“I’m really not comfortable discussing this with you,” Katherine said.
“I’m sorry,” said Ravenus. “Just curious.”
“Then you should ask him.”
“Oh...” said Ravenus with a hint of embarrassment in his voice. “So you two haven’t actually... um...” He bobbed his head forward twice.
Katherine gaped down at the bird. “I’m seriously not talking about this. In fact, I really would rather not talk to you at all for a while. The next time you talk to me, I want it to be after you apologize to Chaz for the hole in his chest that he got because you were too busy fucking some floozy crow.”
“Raven.”
Katherine made like she was going to kick Ravenus, and he closed his eyes and lifted his good wing in defense. Katherine stomped off toward Chaz.
“Sheesh,” said Ravenus. “I mean, I get where she’s coming from, but... well, a guy like you can probably understand.”
Tim looked down at Ravenus curiously.
“Before tonight, I’ve never had a lot of luck with the ladies, if you catch my drift.”
“And what makes you think that I...” Tim sighed. “Never mind. I catch your drift. I probably would have done the same thing.”
“Your sister’s kind of a bitch.”
“Yeah.”
“Nice tits, though, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
“Actually, I’d rather you not.”
The two of them stood in awkward silence for a moment until Tim spoke up.
“So...” he said. “Julian, Cooper, and Dave are all locked in that prison?”
“Yeah,” said Ravenus. “They went to rescue you,” he added.
“I know,” Tim snapped.
“They’re probably due to be hanged at dawn”.
“I know!” Tim was nearly shouting. Neither of them said anything for a few moments, and then Tim went to join the others. Ravenus hopped along behind him.
“Hey, listen guys,” said Tim. Katherine turned around, and Chaz lifted his head slightly, wincing in pain. Shorty and Greely were sleeping again. Tim gave them each a series of small kicks until they were awake. “Since we’re all awake,-”
“Asshole,” said Shorty, rubbing his eyes.
“We should probably be heading back to Algor to rescue the guys.”
“What, now?” asked Katherine. Chaz lowered his head.
“Yeah,” said Tim, knowing the response wouldn’t be a popular one.
“Look at him,” Katherine said, pointing to Chaz. “He’s in no condition to walk. He’s barely alive as it is.”
“Then we’ll have to either split up or leave him here,” said Tim. “Dave is a cleric. He’s this guy’s best chance of recovery.”
“No,” said Katherine. “I think the best thing we can do is to stay together and try to figure out a way to get back home. Once we get back to the Chicken Hut, we can beat the shit out of that fat fucker until he brings back the other guys.”
Tim cocked an eyebrow in consideration. “That sounds good,” he said. “But they don’t have that kind of time. They’re going to be hanged in the morning.”
“For what?”
“Cooper chopped off some dude’s head.”
“What the fuck?”
“It was before we got here.”
Katherine looked confused. “You mean back at the Chicken Hut?”
“Yeah.”
Katherine continued to look confused. “Cooper murdered a guy at the Chicken Hut?”
“No,” said Tim, exasperated. “We were playing the game, before shit got...” He waved his hands around g
esturing at everything around him. “... real.”
“Okay,” said Katherine, uncertainty heavy in her voice.
“It’s role playing,” Tim said. “We were sitting around at the table in the Chicken Hut, pretending to be these characters, and Mordred was describing the scene. He played the character of everyone that wasn’t us—“
“What a bunch of fucking losers—“
“We were denied entrance to a city, and Cooper took the reason as being racist. So he-”
Katherine perked up. “Is Cooper black now? I mean, his character.”
“No,” said Tim, as patiently as he could. “He’s a half-orc.”
Katherine pursed her lips in thought. “Which half?”
“What?”
“I mean, is he like a mermaid?”
“Fucking hell,” said Tim. He closed his eyes and tried to get back under control. “He’s the offspring of a human parent and an orc parent. Just like you are a half-elf.”
“Who would want to fuck an orc?”
“It’s a good bet his human mother was raped by an orc.”
“Oh,” said Katherine. She glanced down at Chaz. “There’s a lot of rape in this game.”
“Anyway,” said Tim. “What with it being a game and all, relatively free of any real life consequences, and with Cooper being kind of an idiot, he decided that the best way to combat racism was cold-blooded murder. It seemed funny at the time.”
“You guys are sick.”
“I guess Mordred didn’t find it too funny,” Tim continued. “He and Cooper rubbed each other the wrong way from the get-go. Anyway, after that we ended up here, with the entire city guard chasing us.”
“Look, Tim,” said Katherine. “I’m really sorry about your friends. But we have to get back home. We can’t go breaking into prisons and fighting guys with swords. We could really get hurt. Dead even.”
“They’re in there because they were trying to rescue me,” said Tim. “I’m not going to let them die.” He knew Katherine wasn’t too bothered about letting his friends hang, so he tried to think of an argument she could relate to. “Besides, we don’t know how to get back home, or if it’s even possible. If we’re going to be stuck here, we would be better off with those guys. It’s dangerous around here. You know that much already. We need them. Cooper is as strong as all of us put together. Dave can heal us, and believe me, we’ll need some healing. Julian is... well, he’s still finding himself, but he’s got a lot of potential... and a talking bird”
“So what do you propose we do then?” asked Katherine. “Just waltz in there and beat down anyone who gets in our way?”
“That’s normally our default plan,” said Tim. “It’s a bit of a walk to get there though. Maybe we’ll think of something better on the way.”
“And what about Chaz?”
“Leave Butterball with him. He’ll be okay.”
“His name is Butterbean,” Katherine snarled at him. “And he goes where I go.”
Tim thought. “What about Shorty and Greely?”
“You want to leave Chaz in the protection of a decaying old man and a gremlin?”
“Goblin.”
“Whatever.”
“Finding Dave might be Chaz’s only hope for survival.”
“You keep saying that,” said Katherine. “I don’t understand. Did Dave go to med school here or something?”
“He’s a cleric.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard. What the fuck is a cleric?”
“It’s sort of like a priest.”
“In my experience, when a person is dying, and they call for a priest, it usually means the fucker’s on the way out.”
“A cleric can heal wounds with a prayer and a touch.”
Katherine narrowed her eyes.
“As far as the game is concerned, it’s just another sort of magic. Just like how you summoned a wolf out of thin air.”
Katherine’s expression changed. He’d finally given her something she could understand. “Okay, fine. Do you think they’ll go for it?”
“I’m pretty sure they don’t want to head back into town and risk winding up back in prison again. I got the feeling that Shorty was going to bolt off into the woods by himself as soon as we started packing up to leave. I can’t blame him for that.”
“If you can talk them into staying, I’ll go with you.”
“Deal.”
Tim walked over to where Shorty and Greely had fallen asleep again, and nudged them with his foot until they woke up.
“What?” snapped Shorty. “I had more peace in prison!”
“Guys,” said Tim. “I need to ask a favor of you.”
Shorty sat up with a glum and serious look on his wide face. He blinked his eyes a couple of times, and looked up at Tim. “Listen,” he said. “I was going to wait until the morning to tell you this. We’re not going with you. I know you helped us escape, and I’m indebted to you for that, but not so much as to risk being put right back in there.”
“I know,” said Tim.
“Oh,” said Shorty, caught off guard. “Then what is it?”
“My sister and I have to go back. I need you two to stay here and look after Chaz while we’re gone.”
Shorty looked over at Greely, who didn’t seem to be paying any attention. He looked back at Tim. “And what if you don’t come back?”
“Then do your best to take care of him until he gets better.”
“What if he dies?”
“Fuck,” said Tim. “I don’t know. Bury him I guess.”
Shorty pursed his lips and looked to the side. “Can we... um... eat him?”
“Fucking hell,” said Tim, and looked back at Katherine. Her agreement to go with him was balancing atop a very narrow fence. His mind scrambled to find ways to diffuse the shitstorm that was about to erupt. But no shitstorm erupted.
“As long as you promise to wait until he actually dies,” she said. “I don’t want you killing him beforehand.”
“Of course not!” said Shorty indignantly. “What kind of savages do you take us for?”
“Jesus, Kat,” said Tim.
“What?” she asked innocently. “I told him not to kill him. But if he’s dead, who gives a shit whether his remains are eaten by worms or goblins?”
Tim shrugged. “Fair enough, I guess.” He looked up at the sky, or at least the little patches of it that were visible through the treetops. “We’d better get moving. We don’t know how long we’ve got before morning.”
Tim and Katherine gathered their bags. They didn’t bother to wake Chaz. He needed his rest. In the off chance that they were successful and really lucky, they might be able to return before he woke up anyway. Butterbean walked alongside Katherine, and Ravenus, unable to fly, perched on Tim’s shoulder. They walked to the edge of the woods and out into the grass until the road was visible.
“We’ll travel faster on the road,” said Tim.
“But won’t that make us more exposed?”
“Exposed to who?”
“I don’t know,” said Katherine. “Monsters, bandits, the city guards?”
“We’re at more risk in the forest for monsters. I don’t think bandits would be operating this close to the town. And as for the city guards, well... if we’re going to end up fighting them anyway, it’s probably best that we take down a couple out here, so there won’t be as many there.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to kill a person.”
“I don’t know that either,” admitted Tim. “We’ll just have to do our best and hope it doesn’t come to that.”
They hadn’t been walking up the road ten minutes when Butterbean started to growl. He was staring straight up the road into the darkness.
“What’s wrong?” Katherine asked.
“Stop,” said Tim. “Shut that dog up.”
Katherine knelt down and put her hand on Butterbean’s head. She stroked his fur, and he stopped growling. “What is it?”
“Shhh!” Tim
listened. “Horses, coming this way.”
“How many are there?” Katherine whispered.
“I’m not sure,” said Tim. “More than one. Less than five. Probably a night patrol or a search party or something.”
“Search party?” asked Katherine. “What would they be searching for?”
“Me.”
Katherine’s voice shook. “What do we do?”
“Don’t worry,” said Tim. “We took out a troll. We can handle a couple of first level guards on horseback. That’s not our problem.”
“What is our problem?”
“We want to have as much surprise on our side as possible when we get to the town,” he said. “The last thing we need is for these guys to ride back and warn the others that we’re coming.”
He looked to one side of the road, and then to the other. They were well out of any cover the forest could provide, but there were still a few scattered trees growing close to the road.
“Come on,” said Tim, grabbing her arm and pulling her off the right side of the road.
“What are we doing?” she asked. “Tell me you have a plan.”
“I have a plan.” He dragged her by the hand past one tree and behind another a little farther away.
“Is it a good plan?” she asked.
“It’s the only plan I’ve got,” he said. “Hindsight will judge its merit. Stay here. Try to keep out of view.”
“Where are you going?”
“Not far,” said Tim. “Just back to that tree we passed on the way here. You’ll be able to see me.”
“Shouldn’t we be fighting with you?”
“No,” said Tim abruptly. “Not at first anyway. I’m going to sneak attack one of their horses.”
“That seems like a pretty shitty thing to do.”
“If we take out their horses, they won’t be able to ride back and warn the others.”
“All right, fine,” said Katherine, but her tone suggested that she was not at all fine with it.
“When I fire that first shot, I’ll have given my position away. Feel free to jump in anytime after that.”
“Okay.”
“Remember,” said Tim. “Take out the horses first. You might even get lucky and pin one of the guys under his horse.”