Critical Failures (Caverns and Creatures Book 1)

by Robert Bevan

  Katherine didn’t respond, but Tim couldn’t afford to waste any more time. He placed Ravenus on the ground next to Katherine and crept back toward the other tree. It was about twenty feet away from the road. He was going to have to wait until the horsemen were almost on top of him before he would be able to use his sneak attack bonus. It would be worth it though.

  Only two horses, by the sound of it. And while they were moving too fast to be searching for something, they didn’t seem to be in a terribly urgent rush, either.

  Tim sat back against his tree and took out his bow. He shoved the points of two arrows into the ground, so they would be readily available to fire from where he was, and felt behind his back to make sure he had knew exactly where to reach for the arrows still left in his quiver. The first shot was going to make all the difference. The horses were getting closer with each passing second. He wiped his palms on his pants and crouched down behind his tree, facing away from the town in order to fire his arrow just after they passed rather than just before. He closed his eyes. He was in the Chicken Hut, playing a game with his friends. He was just rolling a plastic twenty-sided die. That was all. It was just a game. He opened his eyes, gripped his bow, nocked his arrow, and waited.

  Chapter 17

  “Come on guys,” Dave whimpered. “Can’t we slow down a bit now. I think we’ve got enough distance between us and them.” He was hugging Julian more tightly than he needed to, in the hopes that if he squeezed enough air out of the elf, he might be more inclined to take a break.

  “Stop whining,” said Cooper. “Just keep your eyes open for that wrecked wagon. When we see that, we can stop riding and look for Tim. It shouldn’t be too much further.”

  “But my balls are killing me,” Dave groaned. The magically summoned horse had only come with one magically summoned saddle, which Julian was sitting in. Dave was riding bareback behind him, constantly in danger of slipping off the rear of the horse and getting a hoof in the face.

  “Fuck your balls,” said Cooper. “We’ll be there soon.”

  They rode on in relative silence for a few minutes. Dave tried to concentrate on the rhythm of hooves on the road. So focused was he in his concentration that he was lying face down in the road on top of Julian before he was able to mentally register the fact that their horse had vanished from beneath them.

  Cooper’s horse ran another thirty yards before he managed to turn it around. “What the fuck? What happened to your – wha!” Cooper’s horse blinked out of existence, and he fell to the ground.

  “Get off of me,” Julian groaned.

  Dave rolled off of Julian and on to his back. Julian sucked in a great lungful of air. Dave was dazed, but otherwise not too badly injured. His armor had protected his arms pretty well, and Julian had done a good job of breaking his fall. He sat up and looked curiously at an arrow lying in the road. “That’s odd,” he muttered to himself. “What’s that doing th- Holy Shit!”

  A wolf bolted out of the darkness and tackled Dave. Dave grabbed it by the neck and struggled to hold back the mouthful of snapping teeth trying desperately to bite into his face.

  “Fucking hell, Dave,” said Cooper. “Is your fucking underwear made out of bacon?”

  “Help me!” Dave screamed.

  Cooper raised his greataxe into the air, catching a gleam of moonlight on the massive blade.

  “Cooper!” a voice rang out from the side of the road. “Stop!”

  Cooper turned to look. “Tim?” He lowered his axe.

  “Dammit, Kat! Call off Buttercup!”

  “What?” said a woman’s voice. A vaguely familiar face peeked out from behind a tree. She saw Cooper and screamed. “Canis Lupus!” she cried, and Cooper suddenly had a wolf gnawing at his ankle.

  “Ow!” he said, and kicked the wolf in the face. It let out a yelp, landed on its back, righted itself, and growled at him just before it vanished.

  “Will someone please fucking help me?” Dave shouted. The wolf’s teeth were dripping with blood, and Dave’s forearms were torn to shit.

  Julian had only just managed to sit up. “Methylchloroisothiazolinone!” he shouted, pointing a finger at the wolf. A glowing, sparkly arrow shot out of Julian’s fingertip and struck the wolf in its upper hind leg. The arrow disappeared into a whiff of smoke and burnt fur.

  The wolf let out a small yelp and looked angrily at Julian, baring its red fangs and drooling pink tinted saliva.

  “Call him off, goddammit!” Tim shouted at his sister. “That’s Cooper and Dave, and... Julius!”

  “Julian!” Julian shouted.

  The wolf poised to lunge at Julian.

  “No, Butterbean! Stop!” shouted the female voice.

  Butterbean did as he was commanded, but continued to growl at Julian. He backed away, keeping the three of them in his field of vision.

  “Come here, boy!” the woman shouted.

  The wolf hesitated, but finally started to step further back.

  “It’s okay,” the woman said soothingly. “They’re friends.”

  Dave took a good hard stare at her. She was wearing a leather cloak with an antlered hood. Aside from her long pointed ears and almond shaped eyes, she could almost pass for –

  “Katherine?” said Cooper

  “When I told you to go fuck an orc, you really went the extra mile.”

  “Is that your wolf?” demanded Dave.

  “This is Butterbean,” said Katherine. There was a cold edge to her voice.

  “Fucking animals,” Dave grumbled, holding up his bleeding forearms for her to see.

  “What’s up with your arm?”

  Dave looked down at his leopard-spotted furry arm, and quickly hid both arms behind his back.

  “Welcome back, boys,” said Tim. “We were just on our way to go find you. You look like shit.”

  “To be fair,” said Dave. “I have been mauled by wild animals twice in as many days. More than that, actually, if you count being kicked by a magical horse.”

  “Ouch,” said Tim.

  Cooper snorted and a blob of green snot shot down onto his chest. Katherine winced in disgust.

  “Sorry,” said Cooper, wiping the snot off with his finger and trying unsuccessfully to flick it onto the ground. “I’ve got a Charisma deficiency.”

  “No shit.”

  “How did you get here?”

  “Presumably the same way you did,” she said. “That fat bastard you guys invited into our place of business sent us here.

  “Mordred!” snarled Cooper. He pulled the head out of his bag.

  Katherine screamed and clapped her hands to her face. Butterbean lunged forward and bit Cooper squarely between the legs.

  Cooper dropped the head and his bag, and his body hit the ground soon after.

  “Kat!” Tim yelled. “Katherine, please calm down. Call off the wolf. Please! I can explain.”

  “You can explain that?” she cried, pointing to the head. “You guys are fucking animals! Everything they said about this game is true. Oh my god, what am I doing here?” Tears streamed down her face.

  “Get it off! Get it off!” Cooper screamed.

  “Come on, Kat,” Tim begged her. “Just hear me out.”

  Katherine stopped crying long enough to whistle, and Butterbean came back to her.

  Cooper was crying now as well. “Fucking dog bit my dick off,” he said, rolling around on the ground in agony. Blood seeped out from below his loincloth.

  “I’ll give you one minute,” Katherine said to Tim angrily. “And if you can’t provide me with a good enough explanation as to why you are totally cool with your friends carrying human heads around in their bags, then-”

  “Then what?” asked Tim. Dave guessed it was meant to sound challenging, but it came out sounding hopeless. “What will you do? Leave? If you know how, then by all means lead the way. We all want to get out of here, Katherine. Just calm down and listen to me.”

  Katherine sat down and hugged Butterbean. She kissed him on t
he top of his head, extra praise for biting Cooper in the balls. “I’m listening.”

  “Remember when I told you about how we got in trouble because Cooper chopped that guy’s head off?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well that’s the head.”

  “I could have figured that much out by myself,” she said. “It doesn’t explain why you guys are carrying it around. What is it, a fucking trophy?”

  “Don’t be silly,” said Tim. “We’re not barbarians.” Cooper groaned. “Okay, well technically, he is. But that’s not why he’s carrying it.” Katherine’s expression did not soften. “It’s a conduit,” he said.

  “You had better start using words I can understand before I turn your tiny prick into wolf shit.”

  “Sometimes Mordred communicates with us through it.”

  “Mordred? You mean the guy back at the Chicken Hut?”

  “Yes,” said Tim. “The guy who sent us here.”

  Katherine wiped away her tears. “Show me,” she said.

  “Show you what?”

  “The head. Turn it on or whatever. I want to talk to him.”

  “It’s not a fucking walkie-talkie. You can’t just turn it on at will.”

  “Then how does it work?”

  “He chooses when he wants to talk to us,” Tim explained. “I mean, you can try to talk to him. Ask him a question or something. But if he doesn’t want to talk to you, it’s not going to happen.”

  Katherine looked down at the head. It lay on the ground next to Cooper, facing away from her. As she approached, Cooper crawled backwards away from her on his elbows, looking as though he was making an extreme effort not to pass out from the pain.

  “Dave!” he shouted. “Where the fuck are you?”

  “I’m right here,” said Dave. “What do you need?”

  “What do I need?” he asked, as if he couldn’t believe the question had been asked. “I need my fucking scrotum reattached!”

  “Oh, right,” said Dave. He placed his hand on Cooper’s forehead. “I hea...”

  “That’s not where I was bitten,” said Cooper between agonized gasps of breath.

  “Dude, I’m not touching your balls. The spell will work.” He refocused his mind. “I heal thee!”

  Katherine laughed and shook her head. “I so don’t belong here. I should be down at Bar Bones right now having scummy men buy me Mojitos. But no. I’m here, in some strange fucking woods with my little brother and his geeky friends, wearing antlers on my head, being attacked by giant monsters and passing around a booze-filled goat stomach with...” She stopped, her eyes and mouth frozen wide open.

  A faint glow shone from the point where the palm of Dave’s hand rested on Cooper’s forehead. Cooper’s eyes closed and his breathing became heavy. A small moan escaped his mouth. His shoulder and arm muscles began to twitch. His fists clenched shut, and a spasm of pain rippled through his face. His hands opened suddenly, and his mouth widened into a grin. He began to laugh. It was a shaky, but sincere laugh. The kind of laugh your heart makes after you bet money you don’t have bluffing with a pair of fives and win. The skin on his knuckles, split open from pounding on the door of the jail, grew and fused back together. The wave of spasms continued down from his chest to his abdomen, and then below it.

  Cooper let out a roar that shook the leaves on the trees. Katherine took a cautious step back, and even Butterbean cowered behind her. That was probably for the best, because Cooper evacuated his bowels in a spray that would have reached both of them otherwise. The spell coursed down his legs and sparked out at the tips of his big toenails.

  The roar ended, and Cooper lay on the ground, panting, and cupping his freshly healed balls with his freshly healed hands.

  “What did you do to him?” Katherine asked Dave.

  Dave stood up. “I healed him.” He touched each of his index fingers to the opposite forearm and whispered the words again. “I heal thee.” The wolf bites melted away.

  “Really?” Katherine kicked Cooper, who was still rolling around on the ground with his hands on his crotch. “Hey, Cooper. You okay?”

  Cooper’s eyes were still shut tight, and tears flowed back toward his ears. “Just let me savor the moment a little longer.”

  “You know, you shit yourself.”

  “Yeah,” said Cooper, letting out a long exhalation. “I know.”

  “Chaz needs you, like right now,” Katherine said to Dave.

  Ravenus also addressed Dave, but Dave only received it as a series of ear-splitting squawks and caws.

  “Oh great,” said Dave. “Look who’s back. Julian, can you shut your bird up, please?”

  “He just wants you to heal him,” said Katherine. “Tim shot him in the wing.”

  “Nice one, Tim,” said Dave. “Next time aim for the beak.” He stopped. “Wait a second, you guys can understand him too?”

  “Sure,” said Tim. “He’s actually pretty cool when you get to know him. He’s got quite a mouth on him when he’s angry though.”

  “I’m glad you made a new friend,” said Dave. “But let’s get our priorities in order. We need to band together and stay alive until we can figure out a way to get back home, agreed?”

  They all nodded.

  “I’m limited in my capacity to heal,” Dave continued. “I don’t want to sound cold-hearted, but I think we need to put the needs of our human... well, I guess human isn’t exactly the word... our companions that came from our world, the real world, before the needs of our avian friends.”

  Scowling, Julian picked up Ravenus and placed him on his shoulder.

  “Listen Julian,” Dave said, trying to sound sympathetic. “I know you care about the bird, but this Chaz guy is one more in the party that could help us survive a fight, and –“

  “Actually,” said Tim. “Ravenus is a pretty good scout. Also, Chaz is a bard.”

  “A bard?” said Dave as if he’d been punched in the gut. “Seriously?” He turned to Julian. “All right,” he said. “Let me see the bird.”

  A couple of minutes later, Ravenus was flying around, cawing joyfully and darting through the treetops.

  “Shit,” said Julian, wincing and wiping bird shit out of the bleeding claw marks in his shoulder. “Next time Ravenus needs healing, remind me to put him on the ground first.”

  Cooper stood up and picked up the severed head. He looked at Katherine. “We can give this a try after we take care of your... um... friend.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Katherine. “Could you please... how do I put this delicately?... go away?” She was visibly trying to hold back a gag. “It’s just that the sight...” Tears welled up in her reddening eyes. “...and the smell of you makes me want to vomit.”

  “Yeah, sure,” said Cooper, shoving the head into his bag and skulking away.

  The group made their way back to camp. A starved old man and a little creature, no bigger than Tim, crouched over the prone figure of a man dressed in colorful silks. The little creature ran a long, thin finger through the man’s shiny golden hair.

  “Ahem,” said Tim.

  “Shit!” snapped the little creature, jerking its hand back. “That was... um... fast.”

  “How’s he doing?”

  The creature shrugged. “Same as before. You guys find your cleric friend?”

  “Is that a goblin?” asked Dave.

  “Oh,” said Tim. “Yeah. Dave, Shorty. Shorty, Dave. And this is Greely.”

  “Are you the cleric?” asked Shorty.

  “Um… yeah,” said Dave, stepping into the light of the fire. “Stand back and let me take a look.”

  “He’s all yours.” Shorty and Greely went to sit down by a tree on the other side of the fire.

  Dave knelt down next to the man in the colorful clothes. He was sleeping fitfully and sweating. Dave opened his shirt.

  “Who are your friends?” Cooper whispered to Tim.

  “A couple of guys I broke out of prison with.”

  “I can heal
the wound,” Dave announced to the group.

  “Okay,” said Katherine, hopefully. “Good.”

  “But,” said Dave. “There appears to be more wrong with him than a simple puncture wound. What did you say did this to him?”

  “A troll,” said Tim.

  “Bullshit,” said Cooper. “There’s no way a first level druid, a second level halfling rogue, and a fucking bard are going to take down a troll. What did he do? Lull it to sleep while you slapped it to death with your dick?”

  “It wasn’t a regular troll,” said Tim. “It was a forest troll or something.”

  Dave looked up. “A forest troll?” He thought for a moment. “Are those the ones who have the poisonous saliva?”

  “Oh Oh!” shouted Katherine excitedly. “He mentioned something about saliva before he fell asleep. Something about the troll going down on the spearhead before it stabbed him.”

  “Well,” said Dave. “That’s that, then. I think he took some Constitution damage. Quite a bit from the looks of it. The good news is that I can patch up the wound. I won’t be able to do anything about the Constitution damage though. He’s just going to have to rest for a couple of days and let it work its way out of his system.” Dave placed his palm on Chaz’s forehead and closed his eyes. “I heal thee.”

  Chaz’s body shuddered briefly, though there seemed to be no pleasure running through it. His head fell to one side and he threw up. None of this interrupted his sleep.

  “I’ve done what I can,” said Dave. He lifted Chaz’s shirt to show everyone that the wound had healed.

  “Nice work,” said Tim. “We might still have a couple of hours before the sun comes up. We should get some rest. I’ll stay up and keep watch.

  “Take a load off, little guy,” said Cooper. “We all got enough rest tonight in the dungeon. We’ll keep an eye on things.”

  “Thanks,” said Tim. He walked over to his bag, collapsed to the ground, and fell asleep almost instantly.

  Katherine walked over to where Cooper was sitting.

  “Um, Cooper?”

  Cooper turned around and looked up at her. He had one finger lodged up to the second knuckle in his nose. Seeing Katherine, he quickly removed his finger and sucked it clean. Katherine suppressed another gag, and Cooper ashamedly put both hands behind his back.