Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  Like always I couldn’t lie to my brother because we were all we had, so I spit that shit out like word vomit. I told KJ all I knew about Anthony as we sat there, leaving out nothing but the fucked up dreams and his slight obsession with me. Even with me omitting the worse parts, my brother still had some shit to say when I was done.

  “Oh hell naw Na Na, he 29 and that clean? That nigga a serial killer. I want you to stop fucking with him right now and I mean that shit. Besides, we got bigger shit to deal with right now. Shit bigger than some old, outsider ass nigga. You need to get yo ass up and go talk to yo mama, that’s what’s most important.” KJ said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the bed.

  I wanted to curse him out and throat punch his ass but I knew he was right. I knew I did need to talk to Spicy and clear the air but he wasn’t going to tell me when to do it.

  “Aite KJ, pump yo breaks. You ain’t my muthafucking daddy. I ain’t got nan remember. Remember yo mama won’t tell me who it is, so you can just calm the fuck down on telling me who I can be with and be my brother, not my daddy. You right about one thing though, I do need to talk to Spicy.” I said as KJ looked at me crazy and then opened my door back up.

  I walked past him out the door and into the hall as he sighed and rolled his eyes.

  “And know that you ain’t make me do this. I’m doing it because I want to.” I said to my brother as he chuckled and walked around me to lead the way.

  “The only thing that matters is that you coming with yo tough ass. Ole Bob the builder body ass little girl. You ain’t tough Na.” KJ said laughing as I punched him in the back and knocked him into the living room.

  When we got inside Spicy was sitting up and had just fired up a loud blunt. KJ went right over and sat beside her before he grabbed the remote to turn the TV off. Spicy looked at him like he had lost his fucking mind and he spoke up to keep from getting smacked.

  “I’m sorry ma, I just wanted everyone to be able to hear when you and Na Na talk.” Kj said as my mama suddenly looked up and saw me standing there.

  For a few seconds, my mama and I made eye contact and I saw a loving, caring, kind mama inside of Spicy. That mama I saw in her eyes made me long for the relationship we never had. That is what pushed me to talk even though my mind told me not to. I listened to that part of me too and gave my mama a piece of my heart.

  “Spicy, Spicy, I mean mama. Mama I just wonna talk to you and get a little understanding.” I said as I sat on the other side of my mother and she seemed to scoot away.

  I don’t know, it may have been my imagination but it seemed that she wanted to be anywhere but right there next to me facing her past sins. I didn’t care though because I had things I needed to get off my chest.

  “Mama why? Why do you hate me so much? Why do you treat me so bad? Tell me what happened to you mama to make you take it out on me? I’ve asked you all of my life about my father and where I came from and you’ve never answered me. I need to know mama because I feel like that has something to do with why you hate me. Is that it mama?” I asked as tears rolled down my cheeks and I reached out to grab my mama’s hand.

  When I touched her she acted as if I had stuck her with a hot poker because she was up and on her feet in a flash. She was nervous as hell as she stood there and jittered before she gathered her shit to go.

  “MAAAA tell me. DON’T YOU DARE WALK AWAY. TALK TO ME SPICY!” I screamed as I jumped up to grab her and she got in a fighting stance.

  KJ saw that shit and jumped up to put his body between us.

  “MA, what the fuck wrong with you? Tell her. Tell her you don’t hate her.” KJ pleaded with tears in his eyes as I continued to ball.

  My brother stood there and held my mama’s shoulders as she looked from me to him and shook her head.

  “I can’t KJ, I can’t talk to her yet. It’s hard for me even to look at her. I’m sorry but I can’t right now. I’m sorry.” Spicy said as she broke away from KJ and ran out of the door.

  I fell on to the floor crying once she was gone and my brother ran over to pick me up. My brother held me in his arms and rubbed my hair as I cried for the love I would never get.

  “See KJ, ain’t no hope and I’m done trying. Just leave it alone, and leave me alone because I don’t need her love.” I screamed as my hurt and pain turned to anger and I broke away from my brother’s embrace.

  I was so tired of being hurt and feeling pain, I just wanted to escape it at all costs.

  “I got somebody that loves me though and he would never hurt me. Fuck Spicy, I’m done!” I yelled as I continued to cry and ran into my room.

  As soon as I slammed my door shut I fell on to the floor and cried until my rug was soaked with tears. I felt lower than the ants I saw crawling as I remembered how my mama said I wasn’t worth answers.

  “I ain’t got nobody really. Nobody to really love me.” I said as I pulled myself up from the floor and went to look in the mirror.

  My eyes were bloodshot from crying and I saw a pain so deep in my eyes I couldn’t bare to look at myself.

  “Now I see what she means, I can’t look at me either.” I said to myself before I threw my body on to the bed.

  I laid there and cried for a few more minutes until my sides began to ache. The whole time I talked to myself about how I would never be loved and how God would never send me that angel I needed. Just then my phone rang and I reached over to grab it off the nightstand. My tears seemed to evaporate as I read Anthony’s name and felt his love through the phone.

  “Maybe there’s hope for me yet.” I said to myself as I quickly sat up, wiped my face, and prepared to answer the phone.

  “Maybe Anthony is that love I long for.” I said to myself again as I answered not knowing that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  Chapter 7

  “Hey Anthony, I’m so glad you called. I need a little love and sanity right now.” I said as soon as I answered while I tried to mask the pain in my voice.

  I tried to suck up the sniffles that were caught in my throat but every time I opened my mouth tears or hiccups came out.

  “Kaniyah, what’s wrong? What’s the matter? Baby tell me what’s wrong.” Anthony said as the flood gates to my emotions burst.

  I cried my eyes out as Anthony told me it would be alright and I told him it was never alright and that it never would be.

  “You just don’t know Anthony, you just don’t know. How would you feel if the person you loved the most hated your very existence?” I blurted out and then quickly covered my mouth with my hand.

  I sat there and cried with my hand over my mouth, mad that I had said more than I wanted to as Anthony did his best to console me.

  “It will be alright baby, there’s always brighter days. Let me come get you Kaniyah. Where are you? Let me come get you and we can talk it out.” Anthony said as I continued to cry and told him no.

  I really didn’t want him to see me all distraught and shit or get involved with my family drama. Hell, I knew my brother and uncle already hated him so him coming to get me just didn’t seem like a good idea. I didn’t want to get Anthony in a situation he couldn’t get out of by coming to rescue me, but at the same time I didn’t want to be there. I felt like I couldn’t be there anymore. Spicy had broken my heart with her constant resistance to tell me the truth and her inability to look at me made the house feel so far from home.

  It was like I was between a rock and a hard place as I got up slowly and backed into my bedroom door to let my body rest up against it. I leaned and cried as Anthony called my name and told me he would be there for me any way that I needed him to be. Just hearing him say that dried up some of my tears and I felt like I could calm down and maybe even go to sleep until I heard my mother and KJ’s voices in the hallway.

  “Where you been mama and why couldn’t you just talk to her? Look, I don’t know what happened and I really don’t think I want to know but you owe it to Na Na to tell her where she came from. You owe it to her mama
to dig deep, beyond your own sins and fuck ups, to find that love I know you have for her. She’s your child mama and she deserves love. She didn’t ask to come into this world so you owe her that much.” I heard KJ say as Spicy sniffled.

  I had to whisper and tell Anthony to hold on after I heard that because for a second it sounded like Spicy was crying. After I told Anthony to hold on I put the phone on mute then slowly opened the door a crack so I could peek out. When I did I looked right at the back of Spicy’s head as KJ held her and she cried like I had never seen before. I stood there and watched her body shudder as KJ rubbed her back and for the first time since I was a child I felt genuine love and sympathy for my mama.

  Spicy looked almost human as she stood there and reflected on her actions and how they affected our relationship. I almost thought that would be the moment we ran into each other’s arms and professed our love, but my life wasn’t a fucking movie. No, my life was just one big bumpy road with potholes and sinkholes along the way and a car full of police waiting on me at the end. That’s exactly how it felt at that moment as my mama suddenly broke away from KJ’s embrace and quickly wiped her eyes before I closed the door. I put my ear to the door and listened as my mama erased that love for her I was digging up once again and pushed me further away from her and all who loved me.

  “You know what KJ? Let me tell you something. First of all, you don’t ask me where the fuck I been, I’m the mutha fucking mama. Second, don’t ask me why I didn’t talk to her when I never said I would in the first fucking place. That was yo lil nosey ass doing, so you reaping the mutha fucking consequences. I ain’t got shit to say to Na Na right now and I don’t know when I will be ready to. All you muthafuckas keep speaking on shit you don’t know about, so I wish y’all would just shut the fuck up. I don’t owe you shit, yo brothers shit, and certainly not Na Na’s funky ass. I’M THE MAMA. FUCK HER FEELINGS RIGHT NOW!” Spicy said as I broke down and asked the Lord why she hated me so much.

  I prayed that the Lord would give me clarity and strength at that moment because I felt like I was about to die.

  “Ma, don’t do that. She right in her room and can hear you.” KJ whispered as I continued to listen at the door and Spicy used one of her favorite lines.

  “You think I give a fuck about her hearing me KJ? Well I don’t. I said I will talk when I fucking feel like it, so if Na Na can’t accept that she can always go. I don’t need this shit right now. Move the fuck out of my way so I can go roll this blunt.” Spicy said as I heard a thud on the wall and I knew she had pushed KJ out of the way.

  I stood there for a second with my head still on the door as I cried and Anthony called my name.

  “Yes Anthony?” I said through my tears once I unmuted the phone and put it to my ear.

  “Baby can I come get you? You need me right now Na Na, please don’t push me away.” Anthony said as I agreed and told him to meet me two blocks from my house. “I’ll be there in ten minutes’ baby, just try to stay calm. Don’t worry, I got you.” Anthony said before I thanked him and then hung up the phone.

  I walked over to my bed and sat down, numb and emotionally broken as my tears slowly began to disappear. I could feel rage and an untamed hate growing in my stomach as I remembered Spicy’s words.

  “I don’t owe her shit. FUCK HER FEELINGS RIGHT NOW!” Played over and over in my mind and fueled the anger that brewed within me.

  I could see the hate and flicker of jealousy that was always in her eyes when she looked at me as I sat there and fumed.

  “NAW, FUCK YOU SPICY. FUCK THIS HOUSE. FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT!” I suddenly yelled so filled with hate and hurt that I had burst.

  I got up and stormed over to my closet before I quickly filled a bag and slipped my tennis shoes on. As soon as I had my bag on my shoulder and my purse and phone in hand, KJ bust into my room with tears in his eyes and told me how sorry he was but forbad me from leaving.

  “Oh Na Na, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about all of this big sis. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when the shit went down with mama and Jug, and I’m sorry I set this shit up with Spicy. I know you heard us in the hall and I’m sorry about what she said out there too sis. I know you don’t wanna hear this shit right now but sis, Spicy hurting too.” KJ said as I gasped and looked up at him with astonishment on my face.

  I couldn’t believe he was taking up for her when she had made my life hell. He didn’t know how it felt because she treated her precious boys like gems compared to me. Still, I didn’t dwell on that and grew up virtually alone and strong nonetheless. I did all of that without taking my anger out on him or my other brothers, but rather taking care of them when Spicy dropped the ball. Yet he stood his big lanky ass up there in front of me and took up for her. That shit hurt me to the bone, so much so I couldn’t even say anything. I just tried to walk past KJ out of the door with my shit in hand as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back.

  “No, Na Na, please don’t go. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant Spicy went through something that hurt her deeply and now her hurt has turned to hate. I’m not saying none of the low down shit she does is right. I’m just saying it comes from somewhere sis. I’m trying to understand her more and as I do I find out a little more and more about myself. That’s why I pushed you so hard to talk because I feel like you need that more than I do. I see a lot of her in you Na Na. I see your hurt slowly turning into hate and I don’t want you to end up like her. I don’t want you to push me away. I love you sis. Please don’t go. Spicy needs you too.” KJ said and I jerked my fucking arm away from him.

  That’s the last fucking thing I wanted to hear when she had hurt ME so bad and he was the last person I wanted to hear it from. I tried to storm down the hall as KJ grabbed me by the waist and used his weight to hold me still. My brother cried on my shoulder like a baby as angry tears ran down my face. I loved my brother more than words could ever say but I was hurting too bad to feel his love. All I wanted to do was get out of there and not have to face the person who had brought me so much pain. KJ made that difficult though as he squeezed me and begged me not to go.

  “Please sis, don’t leave. Na Na you don’t even know this nigga. Stay here Na, stay at home. We’ll get through this shit…together. We always do Na. Stay Na.” KJ said as he balled and I turned around in his arms.

  When I looked at my brother’s tear streaked face the barbwire, electric fortress I was building around my heart instantly disappeared. All I could see was that little boy who always looked up to me and begged me not to leave him. There he was, begging me once again and I didn’t have the heart to let go.

  “Okay KJ, I…” I began to say to my brother when Spicy suddenly came out of her room.

  My mother stood there and stared at me in KJ’s arms as she lit a cigarette, took a long drag then blew the smoke our way. That fortress I relied onto protect my heart seemed to instantly rebuild itself as I glared back at her.

  “Ma, come here for a second. Even if you won’t talk, can we at least have a hug?” KJ said and I looked at him like he was crazy.

  He had just apologized for trying to get me to talk to Spicy and ten minutes later he was egging for us to hug. He had done once again, the very thing that got us in our situation, but I still couldn’t help but to wait for her response. I stood there still in my brother’s arms as we watched our mama suck her teeth, roll her eyes, blow out smoke, and then walk back into her room. I lost my cool and the little bit of sanity I had after that and went the fuck off.

  “FUCK YOU SPICY! YOU DON’T NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO ME, BLACK HEARTED ASS. KJ, LET ME THE FUCK GO!” I yelled as I pushed my brother so hard into the wall that my strength took me by surprise.

  I stood there and watched his big ass crash to the ground in slow motion as I sprinted out of the house.

  “NA NA. NA NA. COME BACK NA. KANIYAH!!” My brother yelled from behind me as I jumped off the porch and ran and he was right on my ass.

  Once down off the porch I kicked my speed into
overdrive and bolted through the buildings in our apartments. I darted between buildings, around parked cars, and then went back in the direction I had come from as KJ continued to follow.

  “NA NA STOP. Just wait a minute Na.” KJ yelled as I told him to leave me alone and continued to run.

  I ran back around our building into the dark area where no lights were as my tears continued to fall. I had to stand there for a second and catch my breath as I thought about where I would go. Suddenly I saw one of the stray cats that hung around our apartments run past my foot then disappear into the darkness by the fence. I knew that was the spot with the hole in the fence that lead to the next street. I decided that would be my way out as I sprinted through the hole behind the cat and hauled ass into the yard of the house behind our apartments and then I ran around the front and out of the gate. I ran down the street fast as my heart beat like a drum in my chest. When I finally stopped running I was five houses down from where I had gone through the fence, but I could still hear KJ calling my name.

  “KANIYAH. NA Na, maine come out for real.” KJ yelled and I could hear the worry and pain in his voice.

  I hated to do my brother like that, treat him like I was Spicy, but I couldn’t stay in that house with all that was going on. I couldn’t stay there knowing my mother really did hate me and she wished I wasn’t born. I couldn’t sleep there knowing she didn’t care about my feelings. I felt like leaving before I did something I would regret was the best choice so I covered my mouth with my hands to keep from answering KJ. It was hard not to answer him too as I heard him continue to cry and call my name. I had to take out running again to keep myself from answering him. I ran to the end of the block and stood under a tree as my phone started to go off. I looked down to see text after text from KJ, as he begged me to come back home.

  “I can’t.” I whispered to myself as I wiped my tears and looked up. As soon as I looked up Anthony had pulled up to the curb in front of me and jumped out of the car.