Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

We hugged and Anthony told me how much he cared about me then I got out of the car.

  “Okay, I’ll call you later baby. Maybe we can go out.” Anthony said as I told him to do that and then sprinted down the street.

  I didn’t even wait for him to pull off before I ran back through the gate of the house, around back and through the hole in the fence. As soon as I was back in my apartments I ran to my car and hopped in. I didn’t plan on going inside and facing Spicy, so I cranked up ready to go. I grabbed my phone and dialed Rah’s number and put it on speaker before I pulled off. That time when I called someone answered on the second ring but that someone was not Rah.

  “Yeah, wasup Na Na? What you calling for now?” The male voice said and I had to look at the phone to make sure I dialed the right number.

  The voice on the phone sounded kind of familiar however, I couldn’t put my finger on it at that moment.

  “Who the fuck is this?” I yelled as the boy laughed on the other end.

  “My bad, this muthafucking Tino and I’m up here at the hospital with your friend. Maine, she been calling you all fucking day but didn’t get an answer.” Tino said as my heart raced and I asked him what the fuck was going on.

  I couldn’t imagine what had happened to Rah but I knew it was all my fault. I just hoped that whatever had happened wouldn’t cause me the best friend I ever had.

  Chapter 8

  “Let me start by saying I’m sorry for that shit that happened at the club that night. I wasn’t in my right mind.” Tino said to me on the phone and I told him I didn’t give a fuck.

  I just wanted to know what was wrong with my friend and ease the anxiety in my heart.

  “Maine, some bitches caught her walking from Birth Right and pulled down on her. It just so happened I was right there on the corner working on the street. I work for the city and shit, so I was standing there and saw the hoes pull up. One bitch hit her in the head with a fucking pipe and I ran over there and slept them hoes. I got them bitches up off of her but it was too late because she was already fucked up. I had to call the ambulance and everything because she was out. I thought she was dead.” Tino said as I screamed out no and my tears began again.

  I asked him what hospital she was at as I drove towards the expressway and he said Regional One.

  “She still asleep right now, they said she has a fucking concussion. I don’t know if she wanna see you though Na. She was pretty mad when you didn’t answer her calls. What had you so tied up anyway?” Tino asked and I hung up the phone in his face.

  Once I hung up I pushed my car to the dash and made it to Regional One in eight minutes. I ran into the hospital with tears streaming down my face as I asked what room Rahquel Donaldson was in. The nurse at the desk told me room 403 and I ran down the hall frantic and worried about my friend.

  When I walked into her room my heart stopped when I saw how swollen her face was. She looked like a fucking blowfish with cuts and bruises all over her pink skin. Her head was wrapped in a huge white bandage and she was hooked up to a dozen machines. Tino’s old crazy ass was right by her side as he held her hand and rubbed her hair. He turned to look at me once the door closed and I rolled my eyes at him. I couldn’t understand why he was there after the shit he had pulled at the club. I guess he could see that question on my face as I walked over so he stood up to talk.

  “I know you wondering what I’m doing here huh Na Na?” Tino asked as I sucked my teeth, rolled my eyes, and nodded yes.

  “Well, after I saved her and got the ambulance on the scene she wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t want to go anyway, I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I been right here by her side since then and I ain’t going nowhere. I know I fucked up that night but I was on some shit that fucked with my mind. Rah forgave me for all that shit. Can you forgive me too Na Na?” Tino asked as I told him yes just so I could get over there to Rah.

  Really, I didn’t give a fuck about Tino or his apology, I just wanted to make sure my friend was okay and beg her to forgive me for not being there when she needed me most. That’s why I swallowed my pride and smiled at Tino’s old junky looking ass instead of cursing him out like I wanted to. When I did that his crazy ass smiled and moved out the way so I walked over and grabbed my friend’s hand while tears welled back up in my eyes. Rah looked so tiny and broken laying there sleep.

  “Rah, I’m here.” I whispered in her ear as her eyes suddenly popped open.

  The look she gave me when she opened her eyes made my heart skip a beat. It was like I was staring into Spicy’s eyes as Rah looked right through me.

  “What do you want Na Na? What you come for now? Them hoes already damn near killed me. And to think I’m always there for you, no matter what it is. But you left me hanging for some dick and look where I ended up. Naw, I ain’t got shit to say to you right now so you might as well go. Tino the only muthafucka who helped me, the one nigga I never expected shit from other than grief, so he the only person I want around.” Rah said as I begged her just to listen to me and she told me to shut up.

  I felt like a little ass child in trouble for talking too much as I did what she said and shut the fuck up.

  “No, I won’t listen to you. Fuck all that Na Na. You talk about Spicy, well you black hearted too and I ain’t got shit else to say. I guess you on your own now like I was laying the middle of the fucking street.” Rah said as she turned her back to me and I felt broken once again on the inside.

  Tino tried to comfort me and tell me Rah would come around as I walked towards the door numb. I didn’t hear anything he had to say though I just kept walking in a daze of pain as tears rolled down my face. When I got outside the hospital the warm, breezy early September in Memphis weather caressed and soothed my skin but did nothing for my aching heart. I got into my car and broke down as I thought about the friend I had lost.

  Rah and I had been friends all of our lives and I couldn’t imagine a day without her. I didn’t want to think of one without her either which is why hearing her say I was on my own was so hard. It was hard because I knew it was true, without Rah all I had left was my brothers. I just hoped that the shit I had pulled on KJ the night before hadn’t caused him to turn on me too. That’s all I could think about as tears continued to roll down my face and I crunk up then drove towards home.

  As I drove I dialed Anthony’s number and put it on speaker. I just wanted to hear his soothing and comforting voice in hopes that he could erase the dark cloud that was following me. That’s what I hoped for as I let the phone ring a dozen times, but it was clear that I wouldn’t get it when he didn’t answer. That along with what had happened with Rah deepened the sorrow within me and caused me to cry harder as I got closer to home.

  By the time I pulled into my apartments I had cried so much my tears wouldn’t even flow anymore. I got out of the car numb once again, broken and in need of love. I went into the house expecting for my brothers to meet me at the door but I walked in to a silent house instead.

  “KJ, Kam, Ky!” I yelled as I walked through the house and searched every room.

  No one was there, not even Spicy but it was still clean like I had left it. I went into my room after that and fell on to my bed. I laid there stunned and emotionally distraught as I pulled out my phone and dialed KJ’s number. As soon as he answered I could tell how the call would go because concern and hostility were in his voice.

  “What the fuck, Na Na. Where you at? You know what the fuck I been through looking for you and shit?” KJ yelled into the phone like he was my daddy and I had to sit up.

  It hurt to hear him talking like that to me but after how I left him I knew that I deserved it.

  “KJ, I’m at home. Sorry I left brother. I had to though, that shit with Spicy hurt me too bad. I’m back now though, at least for a while; so tell me you not mad at me. I couldn’t take it if your were mad at me too. I already lost Rah.” I said as my tears magically reappeared and began to roll down my face again.

  I listened as KJ su
cked his teeth then sighed into the phone before he responded.

  “Naw, I ain’t mad at you big sis, but I’m hurt like a muthafucka. I’m your right hand, your ridah. How the fuck you gonna run off and leave me like that and for some old nigga you just met. Maine, Na you gotta get yo shit together. You can’t let the hell you go through with Spicy dictate your whole life. You investing everything into a nigga you don’t even know when you got family and friends out here who love and support you. That nigga don’t love you sis. Like you said, look what fucking with him is doing to you and Rah. You got eight months until you graduate sis, don’t fuck all that up for some dick.” KJ said and I cried even harder.

  I cried because deep down I knew he was right; I was investing too much in Anthony too fast. I couldn’t help how I felt though and I couldn’t change the fact that he was there for me more than my own mother. That was the part I saw that KJ and everybody else just couldn’t understand. I had been searching for love for so long, I wasn’t willing to just let it go. I didn’t tell my brother that though, I just apologized for being selfish and then asked him where he was at.

  “I’m out Na, trying to get me a piece of mind. I guess you and mama don’t realize the shit y’all do affect us too. I’ll be back to the house later though so I’ll see you if you’re there. I ain’t gonna do you like you did me and tell you to stay out my business and shit. Yeah, but anyway holler at you later Na, I gotta go.” KJ said before he hung up in my face.

  I threw my phone on to the bed and cried until I fell asleep remembering the harsh tone and loveless words my brother had said to me. I woke up some time later to the sound of the front door slamming shut and a lot of people talking at the same time. I just knew that commotion was my brothers coming home so I sprang out of bed and ran out of my room.

  As soon as I stepped into the hall way and faced Spicy’s old high ass dressed in a little black skirt, halter top, and heels followed by her best friend Dana and two dudes, I knew I should have stayed my ass in bed. Me and my mother stood there and stared at each other as she sucked her teeth and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. I looked into her eyes and saw a flicker of that hate she always carried for me as well as a little sorrow and fear. I wondered what that was about as we continued to stand there and her friend Dana decided to finally speak.

  “Oh hey Na Na, I didn’t expect to see you here.” Dana said as I rolled my eyes at her fat thot ass and the two nothing ass niggas who laughed from behind her.

  I couldn’t stand Dana anyway because she encouraged my mama’s hoeish behavior. She was another old thot too with 9 kids by 9 different niggas, no education and no income. She was just like Spicy so she saw nothing wrong with how my mother acted. If anything, she blamed me for everything fucked up in our lives just like Spicy did and as she stood there and rolled her eyes while she waited on my response, I could see she still blamed me.

  “Hey Dana. Hey Spicy.” I said flatly as I turned to walk away.

  Of course, Spicy wasn’t going to make it that easy she just had to say something.

  “Yeah her little ass ran away but I see that shit didn’t last long. It never does when they wanna be grown asses get out into the world and see that it’s not like they thought. I knew her little cry baby ass would be back though as soon as that nigga was done using her ass.” Spicy said from behind me as she and Dana laughed.

  I snapped around to glare at her as they continued to laugh and the men told them it wasn’t funny.

  “It is funny Pat, you don’t know my daughter like I do. Miss Goodie, Goodie done went out and called herself getting another boyfriend. Too bad he gonna end up leaving yo ass just like Jug did. You just don’t listen Na Na, you think I don’t know shit. Well, I know yo ass gonna end up just like me; a baby mama, broke, and angry. That’s my word bitch, you ain’t no better than me. The sooner you realize that the better off yo lil green ass will be. Otherwise you’ll always be running right back up under mama with tears in yo eyes and a wet ass, but I ain’t gonna be here.” Spicy said as her crew laughed again.

  I didn’t laugh as I stood there and angry tears fell from my eyes. I hated that my brother had told my mama about Anthony because that was just the type of information she needed to use against me. I tried to not let it work though as I stood there and sucked up my tears while I cried inside. I held my shoulders high and forced a tight, sadistic smile on to my face as I stared at my shocked mother.

  I knew she wanted me to break down again. I knew she wanted to hurt me more. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that she did though as I suddenly laughed then turned and walked away. I could hear my mama and Dana suck their teeth behind me as I stopped at my door to look back. I glared at Spicy as I opened my bedroom door while I told her what I thought of her.

  “You pathetic Spicy, you really are and its sad. You think putting me down will make you feel better about yourself. Well keep trying but in the end, you’ll still be the same nothing ass bitch you were yesterday and the day before that. Rotten, black hearted ass. Spicy, just go to hell.” I said in a calm, cold tone as I continued to stare at her.

  She stood there shocked with tears in her eyes as Dana tried to egg her on. I didn’t wait on her to respond though, I just laughed and slammed my door in her face. As soon as the door closed Spicy exploded and I heard her run into my door.

  “You little bitch, I’m pathetic? Hoe you the pathetic one. Open this door and I’ll show yo little ass who pathetic. Little bastard bitch I hate yo ugly ass.” Spicy yelled as I locked my door just in time and then stood there and cried.

  I cried as my mother tried to break down the door and cursed me out from the other side.

  “Bitch you was the worst mistake of my life because I been miserable ever since. That’s why yo dad..” Spicy said as I heard Dana cut her off.

  “Come on now Spicy, that’s enough. This is not the way to tell her that. Calm down Spicy.” Dana said to my surprise and my mother left that subject alone.

  I just stood there shocked with my ear to the door as tears ran down my face. I had never in my eighteen years heard Dana take up for me so that took me completely off guard. I knew that whatever Spicy was going to say had to be horrible if Dana’s ratchet ass had stopped her. That made me feel worse as I continued to stand there and cry while Spicy continued to rant at the door.

  After thirty minutes of her yelling, beating on my door, and calling me everything but the child of God, I grew tired of Spicy’s shit and she grew tired too. I listened to her finally walk away from my door and join her friends in her room to smoke. As soon as I heard that door close I ran over to my closet and began to pack. I packed up enough clothes for a few months as I fumed and cried angry tears. When I had everything packed, I picked up my phone again and called the only person I had.

  “Where are you? I called earlier. I need to come over now. I have nowhere else to go, I just know I can’t stay here.” I cried into the phone as Anthony apologized for not answering.

  “I’m so sorry Kaniyah, I was at a job site earlier and had left my phone in the car. What’s going on baby? Are you okay?” Anthony asked.

  I told him that I wasn’t as I got my backpack together then sat everything by the door. As I bent over by the door to sit my bags down I could hear Spicy and Dana as they whispered in the hall.

  “What is it Spicy because I’ve never seen you go in on her like that.” I heard Dana ask as my mother sniffled and cried.

  I pushed my ear deeper in to the door at that point because I wanted to hear her response. When she finally did respond, I stood there shocked, still confused as hell.

  “I know Dana, I don’t know what happened. Looking at her just makes me so mad. And now that muthafucker who created this whole situation has found me again. I’m really on edge bitch. I feel like I’m under water and drowning but everybody just standing on the shore watching me sink. Muthafuckers keep hollering about how I’m hurting her, but what about me. I’m fucking dying inside and
have been since I was 12 but don’t nobody fucking care.” Spicy said as she balled and Dana comforted her.

  I wondered who the he was she was talking about and what he had to do with me and her fucked up attitude. A dozen questions swirled through my mind as I continued to stand there and listen.

  “Hold on a second Anthony.” I whispered into the phone before I put my ear back to the door.

  I could hear Spicy still crying that somebody was stalking her and she would kill his ass while I listened.

  “He showed up at the shop today, well I didn’t see him but I know he was there. It was about 1:30 and I got this mysterious call from a private number. The muthafucker told me he knew where I was at and he was coming for what is his. I’m gonna kill that bitch if he comes anywhere near me or her.” Spicy said which sparked my curiosity.

  I wanted to know who that the her she talked about was. Hell, I wanted to know who the stalker was too but I knew I couldn’t ask Spicy. She still didn’t even want to have that talk with me about my father so I knew I couldn’t pull that out of her. I didn’t have to guess though because she quickly answered one of my questions.

  “I can’t stand her you know. Hell, I resent her very existence but I be damned if I let him ruin Na’s life like he did mine.” Spicy said and my heart dropped because I knew she had to be talking about my dad.

  Part of me wanted to storm out of the room right then and demand that she tell me what was going on. However, that more logical part of me knew it wouldn’t end well so I just stood there instead. I waited until Dana had gotten my mama to calm down and they returned to her room. By then all of the sorrow I held inside which mixed with my curiosity, had caused me to break down.

  “Anthony, can I come there? I just need to get away.” I said as I cried into the phone and he told me that I could.

  “Of course, you can baby. I told you this is your home if you want it to be. You want me to come get you or are you driving to me?” Anthony asked.