Crossing the Touchline

by Jay Hogan

  She studied me nervously, clearly picking up on my general state of pissed-offness. “Your dad said you needed a plus-one, but if he got it wrong I can always….”

  “Rubbish,” my dad interrupted, turning to me. “Sonja is the daughter of one of my fishing buddies. She’s doing us a big favour, son.”

  I turned on him. “And exactly what favour is that, Dad?”

  He bristled. “You need a date, and seeing as you’re too busy training to find your own, Sonja agreed to accompany you today.”

  I shook my head, blushing furiously. “I’m sure Sonja has better things to do with her time.”

  She stepped forward. “I’d love to come. I’m a huge Blues fan, actually.”

  Wonderful. I raised my eyebrows.

  She shrugged. “Four brothers. Sink or swim, really.”

  Despite myself, I laughed. Okay, so she wasn’t all bad. I stared my father down one more time, desperate to wipe the smug grin off his face, but he simply shrugged me off.

  “Get in the car, son, or we’ll be late.” He waltzed past and opened the passenger door for Sonja.

  She kept her eyes on me with a raised brow. “Your call.”

  I sighed and tried to summon a more welcoming smile. “Come on,” I said, waving her toward the front seat of the car. “Just be prepared to be hit on the minute you walk in. Some of the guys can be jackasses, so I apologise ahead of time.”

  She smiled. “I can deal. Four brothers, remember?”

  As we drove, I took a moment to text Cam to warn him. The whole thing didn’t sit right, taking Sonja but what could I do? And it wasn’t like Cam and I were actually together or anything. I’d avoided asking Mathew if his brother was going to the barbecue so as not to raise any flags, but word would surely get back to Cam regardless, and I didn’t want to blindside him, or have him think I asked her myself. He didn’t deserve that and I’d hurt him enough. Too much.

  My text went unanswered.

  A FEW of the usual paparazzi milled around the approach to the lengthy farm driveway, but they were reasonably polite as I drove by and up the steep hill to park in front of a modern plaster-and-glass house. Getting out, I took a moment to appreciate the stunning view of the Tasman Sea in the distance—one of the best around, I imagined. About fifteen other cars had squeezed into the turnaround, plus a thirty-six-seater bus for those who’d opted for the complimentary transport.

  The barbecue was in full swing, and my father thankfully peeled off almost immediately to schmooze with the coaches. This left Sonja and me to find a drink and some safe conversation to attach ourselves to. She, of course, was an immediate hit, garnering lots of admiring looks from my teammates. If only they knew who I’d rather have walking alongside me.

  I spotted Craig by the pool, sipping on a beer. He seemed to be making an effort after our last talk and hadn’t once turned up drunk at my place since. The improvement in his mood and general positivity was encouraging, or so I hoped. He was in deep conversation with Mathew—about bikes, no doubt. He waved me over.

  Damn. Socialising with Cam’s brother wasn’t high on my to-do list today, although I could at least find out if the man himself was here. My heart jumped at the thought. Just the idea of laying my eyes on Cam skyrocketed my mood, until I remembered Sonja. Shit. What would he think of me? I felt like such a bastard. It was seeming more and more like a bad idea. I should have just said, no. If the roles were reversed, I’m not sure I could handle seeing Cam with someone else, pretend or not.

  I swallowed hard and ambled over, my gaze darting right and left to see if I could spot him. Sonja’s hand slid into the crook of my arm and I swore silently. Catching Craig’s eye, I registered his amusement. Even Mathew sent the two of us a curious look.

  “Sonja was nice enough to be my plus-one today,” I explained, and everyone shook hands.

  She rested her hand on my forearm. “The pleasure’s all mine.”

  Craig nearly choked on his drink. I sent him a glare and disentangled myself from Sonja’s hand, offering the excuse of getting another round of beers.

  “Is Cam here?” I asked Mathew as casually as I could while collecting the man’s empty bottle.

  His level gaze met mine for a second and I could see the gears turning. He was no fool but we’d given him little to work with. “Yeah. He’s around somewhere.”

  Shit. My heart ticked up and I headed for the bar. Maybe I could grab a few minutes alone with him, just to talk, explain. Jesus, I needed to hear his voice. It was like someone had died. I missed our conversations, even the stupid texts. I just missed… him.

  Sonja garnered plenty of attention as we made our way around the gathering, with a ton of surprised looks being cast my way at the same time. If only they knew. But there were lots of congratulations also about my selection for the AB squad as well, and that, together with my father keeping his distance, had me beginning to at least relax if not enjoy myself. Of course it all would have been vastly improved if I could just lay eyes on Cam, who seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

  Sonja proved to be a witty and intelligent companion—quick to give as good as she got from my less-than-shy team members, and was certainly not afraid of voicing her opinion as we sat and chatted with our plates balanced on knees.

  I spotted my father bending the ear of the Blues’ physiotherapist, who seemed less than interested, and then, with a visceral slam to my chest, I finally spotted Cam, and every hair on my body stood to attention. He was on the far side of the pool talking with Mathew, our halfback Hayden Armstrong, and Hayden’s parents, and it was all I could do not to race across and haul him into my arms.

  Because, wow. He looked good enough to eat. Tight black chinos, a white button-down shirt, short black leather boots, a black leather biker jacket with silver buckles, a silver choker around his neck, and two thick silver bracelets on his right wrist. And God only knew what naughty scrap of silk lay behind that zipper. Fuck. My mouth went dry, and my dick filled in ten seconds flat. Holy crap.

  But it wasn’t just the lust, although that was there in fucking spades. No. It was so much more than that. A deeper connection that I finally understood for the first time since we’d met. In the presence of Cam, I felt… grounded, like I wasn’t alone, like I mattered. Me. Reuben Taylor. Not my rugby, not my connections, not my potential earnings, just me. Cam wouldn’t give a shit if I played rugby or not. He wanted me, he saw me, and I realised I’d never had that before. What the hell was I gonna do?

  As if sensing my attention, he lifted his eyes, and stared straight at me. For a few seconds we held each other’s gaze, and even from fifteen metres, the tawny gold of his eyes flickered with interest and the corners of his mouth turned up in a warm smile. Christ on a cracker. I wanted to hightail it over and kiss the man senseless before dragging him into the pool house to rain hot-and-heavy tongue action down upon that sinful mouth. I couldn’t, however, and that was solely down to me.

  But then his warm expression wavered and was replaced by a frown, as a pair of lips pressed against my ear. Sonja.

  “You want dessert, Reuben?” Her breath was warm against my skin, and her hand slid down to link with mine.

  Fuck. I pushed her away none too gently, but not before I saw Cam’s jaw tighten as he turned away. I barely gave Sonja a glance before disentangling our hands and rushing to the other side of the pool. What I thought I was going to do when I got there, I had no idea.

  Arriving breathless and a little wild-eyed, everyone except Cam looked at me like I was nuts. He just looked… disappointed. Damn. There was silence as the group eyed me expectantly, and for a second my mind blanked. What the hell was I doing? It wasn’t like I could reach for Cam’s hand to reassure him, was it? Ugh. I was such a bastard. I should’ve just told Sonja to go home right back at the start, and fuck what my dad thought. At that moment, I even made myself sick.

  “Reuben?” Sonja appeared at my side.

  I wanted to push her away, tell her I wasn’t
interested. Tell her there was only one person I wanted and he was standing right there. Instead I just stood there and said nothing, not taking my eyes off Cam’s face, and the hurt I saw there. His gaze darted to the side. He was looking for an escape, and I didn’t blame him.

  Mathew cleared his throat. It was obvious he’d picked up on the tension but was unsure of the cause. “Ah, I don’t think Cam and Sonja have met, right?”

  Sonja shook her head, and I saw Cam lift his gaze to the young woman. “No, I don’t believe we have,” he said gently, and I just wanted him to punch me in the face for what I was doing to him.

  I took a breath and manned up. Before this evening was over, I intended to drag Cam aside to talk, even if it raised eyebrows. Anything to take that damn look off his face. “Sonja, this is Cam, Mathew’s brother,” I said. “He runs the emergency department at Auckland Med. Cam, Sonja is—”

  “Reuben’s girlfriend,” my father interrupted from my left. “The daughter of a friend of mine—right, Reuben?”

  “What?” I spun to face my father, catching Sonja’s surprised gasp as I did.

  He blustered on unapologetically. “She’s a stunner, right? Knows her rugby too.”

  My father eyeballed Cam, who visibly recoiled as if struck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had to stop this bullshit of a train wreck. “Sonja’s not my girlfriend,” I corrected. It came out sharper than I intended, but she sent me an understanding smile. Not stupid, this girl.

  “I may be jumping the gun,” my father conceded, adding an irritated half grin. “But you can’t blame a father for hoping, right?”

  The little group laughed nervously, their gazes flitting between Cam, Sonja, and myself, aware they were missing something but not sure what. Before I could explain further, Cam put his drink down and fixed me with a flat stare that I felt like the slap to the face I deserved.

  This was a Cam I didn’t know as he regarded me with cool dismissal. Even Mathew frowned, placing a hand on his brother’s arm. Cam dropped his head and mumbled something to Mathew, then headed inside without another word. The grunt that fell from my father’s lips was ripe with satisfaction. Bastard.

  I turned to him and dropped my voice. “Get your other son to take you home. I’m done here.”

  His yellow-rimmed eyes narrowed to slits. “Now you listen to me….”

  “Stop,” I hissed. “Not another fucking word.” He must have caught the murderous fury I was struggling to contain because he shut up and his gaze slid away.

  I pulled Sonja aside. “Sorry about that,” I said. “My father’s an arsehole, and whatever he implied could happen between us, he was wrong. You’re a lovely woman but… you’re not for me. Sorry.”

  She patted my hand and smiled. “It’s okay. I, um….” Her eyes flicked to where Cam had disappeared inside, then she looked back to me. “I think I get it.”

  I frowned. Bugger. “Look, I know I don’t deserve to ask, but please don’t….”

  She put a finger to my lips. “I won’t say a word,” she reassured me. “Now go. You have a fence or three to mend.”

  I nodded. “Craig will take you home.”

  She took my hand and squeezed it. “No problem.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Cam

  WHAT THE fuck was wrong with me? I had no claim on the guy, after all. I’d made sure of that. He could do whatever the hell he wanted—including letting some woman get up close and personal with him. Not that I had anything against Sarah, or Sonja, or whatever the fuck her name was. I just didn’t want her bloody hands within ten metres of Reuben, apparently. Goddammit.

  He’d even texted ahead of time to let me know about her. I thought I’d been prepared, but apparently, not so much. I wasn’t usually the jealous type—or hadn’t been, not even with Dom. Although to be fair, up until I found out about him, he’d given me little reason to be jealous, and when I did find out, we were done in about two seconds flat, before I even had time to think about it. Furious, hurt, betrayed, and humiliated left little room for being jealous. So why the hell was I so bent out of shape about this woman?

  I knew why. Of course I did.

  It was because we had the potential for something, Reuben and I—something… special. And he felt it too, I was sure of that. But it wasn’t enough, he’d made that clear. I wasn’t enough. And that’s what fucking hurt. Whatever Reuben felt about me wasn’t enough to get him out of the closet to give us a real shot. Yet he could lie by omission and implication, strolling around with a woman hanging off him—in front of me—as if he were as straight as the next guy.

  Well, fuck him. I didn’t care how good his reasons were, that shit just plain hurt, and I wasn’t hanging around to have it rubbed in my face. Not that he was doing that. In all honesty he’d looked mortified and embarrassed as shit. Well, good.

  I headed for my car, popping the locks as I approached. The front door slammed behind me and feet hit the gravel.

  “Cam, wait.”

  I wasn’t interested. “Leave it, Reuben,” I answered without turning around. I opened the back door of my BMW and threw my jacket inside.

  “Just hold on, will you?” He sounded desperate. Too bad.

  He put a hand on my shoulder and I lost it. I grabbed his wrist and spun him full circle up against the car, his arm forced high behind his back.

  “Ow! Jesus Christ, Cam. I’m sorry, all right?” he hissed. “Can you ease up, maybe?”

  “No.” My gaze swept the turnaround, but I’d parked to the side, out of view of the front windows and the paparazzi down the hill. “What do you want, Reuben? Haven’t you done enough?”

  He struggled for a second, and I relaxed my grip a little to let his shoulder drop. Didn’t want to injure him, after all.

  He huffed in relief. “I want to say I’m sorry… about the whole fucked-up thing. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have let her come. I was an idiot, and I hate that I hurt you, so much. It’s ripping me apart. You deserve to be treated better.”

  I didn’t want to feel comforted by any of that, but I did, damn it all. “Not my business, Reuben. You gave me a heads-up and I guess that was something. Now, I’m going home.”

  “Cam, please? Just listen… for a minute.”

  My eyes slid closed and I sighed. “Make it quick.”

  He pushed back on me a little. “Can you maybe let me go, please?”

  I paused for a second, then dropped my hold.

  He turned, shaking his wrist. “Fuck, you’re crazy good at that shit. I forget you have all those mad skills.”

  I so wasn’t in the mood for his bullshit. “Just…don’t. Now, you had something to say?”

  He met my gaze, and in that moment, I saw guilt, apology, sadness and… ah, shit… longing.

  “I never met Sonja before today.”

  I waved my hand in front of his face. “Stop. Just stop. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You don’t owe me an explanation. We aren’t together, for obvious reasons—we never were. I just didn’t fucking expect to have your beard paraded in front of my face, but that’s my problem, not yours. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.” I pushed him aside so I could get to my car.

  But he kept talking. “I don’t want you to get used to it. I don’t want to hurt you. I hate this. I hate what I’ve done to us. I want it to be different. I just don’t know how to do that. Cam, I really care about you.”

  My hand stayed on the door handle, but I did turn to face him because he didn’t get to say that and just walk away. “But not enough to fight for me, right?”

  Reuben released a heavy sigh. “I deserve that.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “My father thinks something’s going on between us. Craig and his fucking big mouth. So, he pulled this… stunt, I guess, to squash any speculation. He wanted exactly this.” He gestured between us.

  “Good for him. He got it. It’s not him I’m pissed at, it’s you. He’s just doing what arseholes do. I expected better from you. You might not wan
t to come out of the closet for me, but you could at least not throw my feelings in my face. A text was just good manners, easing your damn guilt. Saying no would’ve meant something. That would’ve been fucking righteous. Then I might have believed you felt something real for me, like you say.”

  He flushed bright red with the sting of my words.

  “I know. It won’t happen again. Besides Sonja’s kind of guessed… about us… after… all that. She’s actually… nice.”

  I didn’t give a fuck if she was nice. “Well, that should make it easier for you, right? A beard you like. Hell, maybe you two can become BFFs, or whatever the fuck they call it these days.” I was being a snotty little prick, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.

  “Damn it all, I don’t want a fake girlfriend, Cam. If I can’t have you, I don’t want….” A shadow passed over his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I won’t do that to you again. I shouldn’t have done it today, and I have no excuse other than being a fucking coward. I need you to believe me.”

  “I don’t need to do anything, Reuben, except get on with my life and forget I ever met you. That would be good right about now. That would be so fucking good.”

  He went silent, and I almost regretted the cruel jab—almost.

  “Dad got what he wanted, then,” he said softly. “Look, I don’t know what we are anymore, Cam. All I know is that it doesn’t feel right to be with anyone else. But just for the record, I never want to forget you. You’re the best thing to happen to me in forever, and that includes getting called up to the ABs. You’ll never know how much I wish this could be different. I wish a lot of things, but none of it changes the fact that I can’t ignore Cory in all this. I can’t just do what I want. And I do want you—us. So, I don’t regret any of ‘us.’ But I am sorry I hurt you. I’d take that back in a heartbeat and I promise you, it won’t happen again.”

  He walked past me, gravel crunching under his shoes. Seconds later a door slammed and a car left the turnaround. I couldn’t be sure, because I couldn’t move a single muscle after that fucking, fabulous little speech.