Powerless

by Catherine Johnson

  There are still boxes and bags of books, CDs and DVDs tucked behind the sofa. I haven’t bothered to obtain any sort of shelving yet.

  The kitchen occupies a corner of the room by the main door. I should mention that no room in this flat is square. It’s not just a case of being slightly out, it’s as if the architect had a phobia of ninety degree angles and did his best to avoid any room having one. The cupboard doors are an oak-effect veneer and the worktops are supposed to look like black granite. There’s a fridge freezer and a washing machine built into the unit, so they’re hidden by more veneer. I’m still so new to the space that I still have to open three cupboards before I can load the washing machine. Some cupboards, finished with worktop, and lined at the back with white veneer to match the walls, lead from the right side of the kitchen space into the living room and around to the main door on the left of the kitchen, without creating a circle, thus giving the illusion of a room-within-a-room.

  I lead Donna down a short hallway, from which can be found the master bedroom, the spare bedroom and the bathroom. That is the full extent of the flat. In the master bedroom at least, I’ve managed to unpack my clothes and shoe collection into new wardrobes. I had debated getting one of the imitation leather sleigh-style beds, but at the time of purchase I couldn’t bring myself to really analyse style or colour. I ended up buying one with a black metal frame that looks as if it wouldn’t be out of place in the Victorian era. The mattress I brought with me from the bunk beds is sat on its own in the spare room.

  “I still need to get the frame and the other mattress down here for the bunk beds. Does Michael know anyone with a van that could help?” I ask Donna as she’s taking in the lack of anything else in the room.

  “I’m sure he does. I’ll ask him tomorrow.”

  “Hasn’t he got the kids tonight?”

  “Nope, Uncle Callum is babysitting. Mike’s been on a late today.”

  I’m not sure what expression was on my face at the mention of Callum, but there must have been one because Donna’s looking very smug all of a sudden.

  “Right. Enough Ideal Home, more gossip. I’ll have coffee.”

  I can only laugh as I lead the way back to the kitchen and set about making the required beverages.

  “I take it you two had a good time last night?”

  “There’s no need to smirk quite like that, it was all relatively innocent.”

  “Relatively? Hmmm, that howl I heard didn’t sound relatively anything if you ask me.”

  “You heard that?”

  “Are you kidding? I think most of Manchester heard it!”

  I hand Donna her mug and try very hard not to blush too much.

  “So,” she says as she settles into a corner of the sofa with her feet tucked under her, “Dish!”

  “There’s not much to dish. He came round. Thanks for the heads up about that by the way! We went for a quick ramble round Yeoman Hey, he took me for dinner, and then we went for a bit of a run. That’s it.”

  “That’s it? You know, I don’t need preternatural abilities to tell that you’re lying, Becca, since you’re pretty much bright red.”

  “Am not!”

  “Okay, maybe not bright red, but definitely glowing.”

  “Honestly, he was the perfect gentleman. Disturbingly so.”

  “And by that you mean?”

  “I told him I didn’t need him to help me change, and I didn’t. He didn’t try to help even a little bit, just let me get on with it. And he didn’t seem to mind that I can keep up with him.”

  “Well that’s impressive, the keeping up part, I didn’t think you would have struggled with the changing part.”

  I shrug. “I think I’m just worried that he’s going to turn out like Rob.” I ignore the fact that Donna snorts coffee out of her nose and give her a couple of minutes to stop spluttering. “You know; be all like ‘Sure, I’ve no problem with you being good at being a werewolf’ and then spit it back at me in a few months.”

  “Becca, I couldn’t imagine anyone less like Rob.” Donna is not quite recovered from her choking fit.

  “I know, sort of. But I thought I knew who Rob was. We’d been together for four years and it never seemed to bother him. I suppose I did show off a bit sometimes, get ahead of him during a run and stuff, but mostly I tried not to. I know he felt Daniel’s influence far more strongly than I did, but I never thought it was an issue.”

  “That is because Rob is an arse. If he had a problem with it, he should have said something instead of shagging a puppy.”

  I only shrug. I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about Rob’s new best friend and I don’t particularly want to.

  “You can’t help who you are Becca; you can’t help what you are.”

  “I know. I guess that’s why I wanted to let Callum know what I can do. If he doesn’t like it he can sod off.”

  “One, like I said, Callum is not Rob. Two, he’s got a completely different point of view about you and your strengths as a wolf; and three, he’s not going anywhere.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nuh huh, this is not primary school. You want to know more about that, you’ll have to ask him.”

  I’m not sure whether I’m scared or excited about the prospect of having that kind of discussion with Callum.

  “I’m just worried, Donna. I’m worried about how easy it is to be around him. Is that all Alpha voodoo? I’ve never felt like that around Daniel, but he’s never had much control over me at the best of times. I wasn’t even pissed off when Callum just turned up yesterday. It’s not like I had a sixth sense that he was coming or anything. I was just happy to see him.”

  “There’s no doubt that Callum is stronger than Daniel. No doubt about that at all. But I don’t think Alpha magic is what you’re feeling, Bex.”

  Donna’s got that look on her face again. I’m not altogether sure that I’m ready to address the rest of the direction of this conversation out loud yet, so I concentrate on finishing my own mug of coffee.

  “Look, I have a lodger, who apparently gets very arsey when you aren’t around, even if it’s only been five minutes. Please come for dinner on Friday. It would be a shame if Michael had to try to knock his best friend out to get some peace.”

  “Okay, okay. What time do you want me?”

  “Give yourself time to get home from work and relax a bit. Get to ours about eight. The terrors will be in bed and we’ll get takeaway. Text me what you fancy during the day and we’ll get it ordered so we’re not waiting for ages for it after you get there.”

  “That sounds like plan. Will there be wine?”

  “Of course. For us anyway, Mike’s working Saturday. You’ll need to get a taxi home, though. Your bed’s got the big bad wolf in it, Little Red Riding Hood.”

  “Very funny.” I take Donna’s empty mug from her as she gets up.

  “I’ve got to be off. I’m in at six tomorrow morning.”

  I leave the mugs on the counter top and grab my keys as I walk her out. I walk with her to the main door of the building, hence the need for my keys. I’ve always had a bit of paranoia about getting locked out of places.

  “See you Friday.” I confirm before we hug and she gets into her car. I watch her drive off before I go back to my empty flat.

  I take a good look around the space that I live in when I get back. Now that I’ve seen other people in here, I realise how austere it looks. It would seem that some soft furnishing shopping is going to be added to my to-do list.

  I decide to call it a night. Yesterday, I discovered the joy of sitting in the dark, just looking out of the windows at all the lights on the other side of the valley. It’s a tapestry of illumination; yellow street lights, the warm, lighter glow from houses that haven’t closed all the curtains yet, and the random moving lights of vehicles. There are clusters where the housing is denser, and gaping black spaces in between them. I can see the estate that Donna and Michael live on from here. If I watch for long en
ough, I know that I’ll be able to see the red brake lights of Donna’s car as she drives up the main road up the hill on her way home.

  Having not slept much last night, I am now dead tired. As I climb into bed I consider some of the things I deliberately avoided telling Donna about. I didn’t tell her about the way I felt that howl in my soul in a way that has never happened before with the pack. Everything felt so right, so joyful, it just had to be expressed; just as it felt right to be closer to Callum afterwards.

  I can still feel the comforting weight of his head across my shoulders, and how safe it felt to be that close to him, surrounded by him. If I concentrate now, I can bring to mind his scent, the way that you’d bring to mind a picture that you’d seen; a favourite picture perhaps. It feels like something that I won’t ever be able to forget.

  I toss and turn as I remember the way it felt to change, standing so close together. My skin still feels alive with the memory. We all have a tangible aura, more so on the night of the full moon, always during the change; but I have never felt it that strongly before. Admittedly I have never been close enough to breathe the same air as another wolf during the change; not to Rob, not to anyone, except Callum.

  I’m not sure what Callum wants from me, if anything. I wasn’t lying when I told Donna he’d been disturbingly polite. He barely touched my skin when he brushed his fingers over my scars. It didn’t help that the skin there is particularly sensitive, let alone that we were deep into each other’s auras at that point. Judging by the way his body, and by that I mean his cock, reacted to it all, he definitely wasn’t unaffected either. If he could smell the effect his presence, his touch had on my body, he chose not to comment or act on it. Perhaps disturbingly polite isn’t the right turn of phrase, last night I definitely would have chosen disappointingly so. He must have sensed it. In the car, when he ran his fingers through my hair, I thought he was going to keep me from leaving for a moment, but he let me go.

  I’m not sure how long we’re going to keep this dance up for, if there even is a dance, or what it’s all amounting to, if anything. I’m almost as apprehensive to see him again on Friday as I am excited. I don’t want to make a fool of myself and I still don’t quite trust what my senses are telling me. The fact that I only moved out of the home I shared with my boyfriend, of the previous four years, last week doesn’t bother me. I think perhaps because we had barely spoken since the night that Michael had called to tell us about Callum’s release, it feels like Rob and I have been apart for much longer.

  Eventually I drift off to sleep and into a vivid dream. I’m running faster than the wind under a fat, golden moon. I can feel the stretch in my furred limbs, my chest is heaving as my breath steams into the night air. Callum is beside me and we howl until the world howls back at us; but then the darkness begins to close in, thick and oily, until I can’t see him anymore. Even his scent, which I was sure I would never lose, fades and I cannot find him. I’m searching and searching and everywhere is black. The ground is sticky bog; fog is rising up from the valley, swallowing the world. In my dream I am afraid and utterly lost.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I’m glad that I’ve been kept busy this week. I’ll no’ admit to anyone how hard it’s been tae keep away from that lass. It feels like a pull, like a tide, or gravity. I doona feel quite in ma right mind when I know I’m no’ goin’ tae see her in a day. Michael, bein’ the mate above all mates that he is, has set me up with a friend o’ his, a fellow spark who’s doin’ well enough that he needs another pair o’ hands and doesnae mind that I’ve been spendin’ some time in the nick.

  I’ve been determined no’ to ask Donna about her visit earlier this week. I’m a grown fella for God’s sake, no’ a little school girl passin’ notes in class. Tonight I’ve volunteered tae put the bairns tae bed, anythin’ that doesnae involve watchin’ the damn hands on the clock crawl round. Once the wee ones are settled, I head tae the kitchen. Michael hands me a beer with a grimace and I accept with the same. He’s on shift tomorrow so he cannae have so many, and I’m workin’ in the morning too, so I have tae behave as well.

  Donna’s nigh on bouncin’ when she hears the door go, but I’ll bet it’s no’ because the food’s arrived. Aye, I was right; it was Becca lettin’ herself in. She follows Donna in tae the kitchen. Donna’s still laughin’ about somethin’ and Becca’s smilin’ as well. I’ve no idea what they’re gigglin’ about and they doona look like they’re goin’ tae bring us lads in on the joke.

  She’s lookin’ good tonight. Black leggings, boots, and a red jumper long enough tae reach tae her knees, but tight enough tae show every curve the lass has, and the lass has some fine curves. I grip my bottle a little tighter.

  “Hiya.”

  Michael and me return her greetin’ with a salute with our drinks.

  “Here you go love.” Donna hands her a large glass o’ wine. It looks like the lasses plan on rubbin’ our noses in it tonight.

  The doorbell chimes. This time Donna grabs her purse on her way out o’ the kitchen. This’ll be the curry then. Becca sets tae settin’ the plates and cutlery on the table that Michael left piled there earlier. Donna returns with the bags o’ food and we’re all kept busy gettin’ sat down and sortin’ out who’s havin’ what, tryin’ tae decipher the scrawl on the containers and dishin’ out the contents. The cheeky wee beggar steals one o’ ma bhajis, so I retaliate by threatnin’ tae keep her curry sauce and give her mine instead. There’s only a touch o’ difference between a Tikka Masala and a Jalfrezi, the touch bein’ all chillies though, so eventually I relent.

  The conversation turns tae the fact that I’ve been huntin’ for a place when I’ve no’ been workin’, and what’s available and where.

  “I’ve got to say, Callum; I’m going to be gutted when you move out. Not least ‘cause I’m going to have to start planning mine and Michael’s shifts around the boys again. It was lovely not to have to worry about who was going to look after them when our shifts clashed.”

  “You know they can come and stay with me on weekends. I just need to get their beds back from the house.” Becca’s sat across the table from me. I can watch her without it lookin’ like I’m starin’.

  “Arse, I was going to ask Mike about that wasn’t I?”

  “Ask me about what darling?” There’s a healthy note o’ suspicion in Michael’s tone.

  “Becca needs a lift getting the bunk beds back from the house. The frames won’t fit in her car.”

  “Shouldn’t be a problem. What d’you reckon Callum? Think Lee can help with that?”

  “Aye, he’s goin’ on a stag do in Amsterdam the week after next though. He’ll be gone a week. We’d just need tae work it around that. If you speak to him he’ll probably be OK with leavin’ you the keys while he’s away.”

  “I take it Rob doesn’t want the beds?” Donna’s tone says a fair bit more than her words.

  “Have you heard from him at all in the past couple of weeks?” Donna shakes her head. “There’s your answer then. I’ll need to let him know when we’re planning on going for them. I haven’t got a key anymore.”

  I know the lass is just sortin’ out furniture. The fact that she hasnae kept a key is just one o’ the many signs o’ how over that relationship is; but I cannae help myself, I doona want her anywhere near that worthless piece o’ shit. I grit ma teeth tae keep from sayin’ anythin’ unfortunate. As I said, bein’ psychic is no’ a part of the werewolf package, but Donna seems tae be a little that way inclined in her own right.

  “You know you don’t have to go up if you don’t want to. I’m sure the lads can handle it.”

  “It’s not a problem. I’ll have to see him on the full moon anyway. I’ll sort out a date and time.”

  I decide tae distract maself by askin’ about somethin’ that’s been in the back o’ ma mind for a while. “Does the pack no’ get together outside o’ the full moon as it used tae?”

  Michael shakes his head. “No, that all pretty muc
h stopped right after you went down. I think at first everyone was all sort of in shock at what happened. They didn’t know what to make of it all. But then Daniel never encouraged it the way you did. No one bothered to organise anything.”

  “How many members is the pack now?”

  Michael pauses a moment tae do a quick, silent count. “Twenty three, including you.”

  “I saw a few faces I didnae recognise the other night. How many are new since I’ve been gone?”

  “Claire, she came over from Leeds twelve months ago. Phillip, he’s from Birmingham, been with us about two years. Nick and Louise are both Geordies, they’re a couple, came down together about three years ago; about the same time Beth came up from Kent. So, five that’d be new to you.”