In my Arms Tonight (NYC Singles Book 2)

by Sasha Clinton

  Those memories now shredded her heart into ribbons. The loss was so overwhelming.

  It was unlike her to be so stuck in misery, to be wallowing in sorrow non-stop.

  She wasn’t fourteen. Why was she behaving so immaturely? Why couldn’t she just move on, accept that things hadn’t turned out the way she’d wished and make peace with that?

  Kat had imagined that if she cried enough, at some point the tears would stop and she would find the strength to move on.

  That was not happening. Contrary to feeling better, she was feeling worse with every passing hour.

  So she called Bella.

  She’d been ignoring her friends and her family because she had no strength to talk to anyone, so she was anxious about what Bella would say.

  “So you finally call,” Bella said. “I was shocked when I read about Alex. Then I saw who wrote that article and I fell off my seat. Care to explain what happened?”

  “I’m so lost.” One salty tear of hers dripped down the sleek body of the phone. “Bell, I’m so lost.”

  “Frankly, so am I, Kat,” Bella said. “I thought you loved Alex, then there’s this, and now I’m not sure whether you knew this before you started liking him or whether you’re upset because you found out about this.”

  “I loved him despite knowing,” Kat explained. “And I promised him I’d never tell anyone. But Bill found out too and he wanted to me to write it. I resisted, but I felt awful, so I thought that if I did it I’d feel better. But I don’t. I still feel awful. Is this one of those situations where every choice leads to suffering?”

  “If Alex had done the same thing to you, how would you have felt?” Bella’s voice was quieter, more deliberate.

  “I’d have felt horrible, but I’d still be willing to forgive him if he explained why he did it and that explanation was convincing.” Because she loved him too much to not even give him a chance.

  “I believe he’ll do the same.”

  Kat sucked in the phlegm that was dripping out from her nostrils. “He already broke up with me. Even after I explained everything in an email.”

  “Then let him go—”

  “Do you think I don’t want to? But I can’t. I keep holding onto the hope that he’ll understand me. That he’ll understand that I couldn’t do anything else and continue to look myself in the eye. That he’ll recognize that he didn’t fall in love with a woman who could easily sacrifice her ideals. And I hope he’ll be proud of that.”

  “If you think that, you’re more blindly optimistic than I ever gave you credit for.” Sarcasm permeated the line. “You can’t have the cake and eat it too, Kat. You can’t have love and be adamant about doing things your way. Something has to give.”

  “But what’s the point in gaining love and losing myself?”

  Bella coughed. “You know, maybe falling in love with a politician wasn’t the best idea. There was going to be conflict of interest eventually.”

  Kat usually admired Bella’s frankness, but it irritated her now.

  “Our careers don’t define us. Can’t we disagree professionally and still love each other? If we’re secure in our own beliefs, we wouldn’t be affected by everything we write and say about each other. After all, I love Alex for being Alex, not for being the most brilliant politician to ever step on the face of this planet.”

  Bella snorted. “Did we exchange sun signs, by any chance? Because right now I’m shaking my head like a critical Virgo and you sound like an unrealistically optimistic Sagittarian.”

  “Bell, stop with that sun sign nonsense,” Kat warned.

  “Hate to rain on your parade, but there is no man in the world who is secure enough to be able to love a woman knowing that she could destroy him anytime.”

  “Next time, I’ll give him an advance warning so he can be prepared.” Kat bit down a yawn.

  “You didn’t tell him this time?”

  “I tried, but I couldn’t.”

  There was a hiss. “Then I don’t think there’ll be a next time.”

  “Bill, do you have a moment?” Kat poked her head into Bill’s office.

  “Kat, its’ you. Come on in.” Bill’s voice sounded cheery and Kat suspected she knew why. The whole office was treating her differently since the news about Alex had broken out this morning. “Your article is what everybody’s talking about. I knew you were the right person to trust with this story.”

  He stood up from his leather chair and clapped.

  “Thanks.” Kat tried to fight her nervousness by feeling the texture of her hair. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Another story?” Bill clasped his hands on his desk, all ears.

  “No, it’s a personal request,” She gathered air into her lungs. Okay, it was time to do this. “After the elections are over, I want to go back to covering national politics.”

  She could’ve demanded that he move her now, but she was aware of the situation in the office. With Lee laid off, Bill was short of people to cover city politics, which was why he’d assigned her this race in the first place.

  “What? Why? You’re doing such a good job with the race.” Bill wasn’t ruffled. Maybe because he thought he could change her mind.

  But nobody was changing her mind. After mulling over what Bella had said, Kat had come to the conclusion that she was right. It was impossible for her to continue investigating Alex and love him at the same time. Dealing with the constant conflicts of interest that would arise if Alex became mayor would wear her down eventually. She couldn’t be fighting moral battles every day.

  “Bill, there’s something I haven’t told you.” Her throat dried up. It was hard telling her boss about her personal life, especially when thinking of Alex brought tears to her eyes. “I’ve been dating Alex Summer.”

  Bill was so stunned that his jaw dropped. “Huh? What?”

  Holding onto her composure, Kat continued, “I’ve been dating Alex for six months now. I know I should’ve told you earlier, but I didn’t have the courage to tell you. I’m sorry.”

  Digesting what she’d just said took Bill minutes. He started to speak, ask a question, then shut himself up. Finally, he sighed in defeat.

  “Are you still with Summer?” he ventured.

  “Umm…yeah.” This was the most convincing lie she’d ever told in her life. It was easier because she believed in this lie.

  It might be wishful to think that Alex would get back together with her, but love could make people hallucinate.

  “Strong relationship you have, to be able to withstand something like this,” Bill remarked, scratching his chin. “Did you tell him we were going to run this story today?”

  “No.”

  This surprised Bill. “Well, well, well. That’s some resolve.”

  Kat decided to quickly make her point. She didn’t have all day and neither did Bill. “I think, in the interest of keeping reporting at the newspaper fair and unbiased, you should remove me from anything that could involve Alex in the future.”

  “You’re right,” he conceded, having lost most of the enthusiasm he’d possessed when she’d come in. “I’ll talk to the management and see what we can do.”

  “I appreciate it.” Kat crawled out of his office, quiet as a mouse.

  A triumphant mouse.

  While talking to her boss about her love life wouldn’t go down as one of the best moments of her life, Kat was relieved that she’d gotten through it. Now, she didn’t have to live with guilt anymore. She could support Alex without fearing that she’d have to hurt him again. And she could live in accordance with her ethics.

  It was the best way forward.

  Feeling proud of herself, Kat descended down a flight of stairs, upbeat.

  Min-Jung was standing beside her desk when she approached.

  “Hi.” Kat raised her palm hesitantly.

  She wasn’t sure where she stood with Min-Jung. They’d not talked for two months and despite the news yesterday, she hadn’t said an
ything.

  “Bathroom.” Min-Jung motioned with her thumb.

  Anxious, Kat followed her, wondering whether she had finally decided to forgive.

  “What did you tell Bill?” Min-Jung asked, after checking that there were no high heels under any of the stalls.

  Kat sniffed. Somebody must’ve used the bergamot-scented liquid soap recently, because the scent was hanging around in the air. “Are we on talking terms now?”

  “I’ll decide after I hear your reply.” Min-Jung crossed her arms over her stretchy lace top.

  Kat pulled up her sleeves of her T-shirt. “I told him I’m not going to report on anything involving Alex anymore.”

  A congratulatory slap sounded against her back. “Good job. I was beginning to lose faith in you.”

  “I was beginning to lose faith in myself, too,” Kat admitted.

  “You did the right thing,” Min-Jung approved with a nod. “Even if it took you three months to do it.”

  “Hey, better late than never.”

  “Yeah, right.” Min-Jung held out a hand, which Kat shook eagerly. “I guess we’re friends again, even if I know that Bill’s going to dump local politics on me now that you’ve wriggled out of it.”

  “Thank you for helping me sort out my feelings. I couldn’t have done it without you.” A grateful smile tickled Kat’s lips.

  “Don’t disappoint me again,” Min-Jung warned.

  “I won’t.”

  Despite how hectic the day had been, when Alex sank into the luxurious bed in Senator Hoylman’s mansion, sleep didn’t come to him.

  Thoughts raced. None of those thoughts were about the elections, what he was going to say tomorrow or the consequences of today.

  Instead, he was obsessing over Kat. The mind had a special talent for going down the most miserable lanes of thought.

  The memories were painful even as he fought each one from permeating his consciousness. They’d had so many happy times. Fun times. Exciting times. In fact, every memory he could recall was a happy one. Maybe he should’ve realized that it had been too good to last.

  He’d loved her with all his heart. He’d found a place to belong in her, and for a short time, acceptance.

  She’d given him dreams. Hope. Optimism. He’d imagined spending his days off with her, imagined being part of her family. And she’d nicely filled up that permanent void in his heart that craved love. Kat was everything he didn’t know he wanted, but had always been searching for.

  Still, he couldn’t forgive her, although he wanted to believe that there had been actual, strong reasons for her to do what she’d done.

  Reasons he could wrap his head around. Reasons not detailed in that email.

  That email.

  On one hand, he hated it for how unapologetic it was. On the other hand, it threw him into internal confusion. For he passionately believed in free press, democracy, duty and all those things, but he also wanted to win badly. Whether he wanted to win at the cost of those things or despite those things was a debate he wasn’t prepared to engage in right now.

  If someone else had written him that email, he might’ve admired her rectitude, but this was the woman he loved. The woman who was supposed to love him and support him unconditionally, not choose her career over his wellbeing.

  While he’d had moments of weakness throughout the day—moments when he felt like he could understand why she’d done what she’d done—his overall stance on their relationship was unchanged.

  It was better for them to break up. It was better for her career in the long run and for his, too.

  Besides, he had to direct all his focus towards getting his voters back. He had no time for her.

  This morning, after Jane had met him outside his apartment building and driven him to the Hamptons, she’d clearly laid out her counterattack strategy.

  They were going to deny his past. Vehemently. Nobody could prove a link between Cole Granger and Alex Summer conclusively without a DNA test. His face had changed significantly. He’d lost his hair. Any residual similarities could be ruled as coincidental.

  Although Alex wasn’t sure lying was the right thing to do, Jane knew best and he wanted to get through this scandal unscathed, so he was going to listen to her. She’d crafted a brilliant story that explained away the whole thing, one with few loopholes. But it was still a story.

  The screen of his phone lighted up. An incoming call. Impulsively, he picked up the call when he saw the caller ID. It dawned on him a second later that he and Kat were not together anymore.

  “Alex.” Her sensual whisper brought every nerve in his body to life.

  He’d underestimated the depth of his own need for her. Clearly, he was nowhere near getting over Kat Cullen.

  “Hello.” His voice sounded as muddled as his emotions. Any thoughts of cutting the call and ending communication with her vanished.

  Giving her one more chance to explain herself wouldn’t kill him. He would listen to her story coolly, rationally.

  Maybe she had a better explanation now. One he could get on board with.

  “I want to talk about what happened. Please don’t hang up. I know you’re angry and you have every reason to be, but—” In the darkness of the room, there was only him and her voice vibrating against his ear. Too intimate.

  “I’m listening. Talk.”

  “You are?” She cut herself short. “I have so much to tell you. This is going to take a while—”

  “As long as you finish before dawn,” Alex said.

  She snorted. “It’s because you’re always so nice to me that I’m so spoilt and I keep expecting you to be nice.”

  “Should I hang up, then?”

  “No, don’t!” Kat’s voice rose a few decibels.

  Alex gave into his urge to smile without realizing. It was fun bantering with her again. For a moment, it almost felt as if the entire PR nightmare had never happened and they were the old Alex and Kat, still in love, still together. As if they were still in the space where nothing could come between them. As if even if the whole world fell apart for him, she would have his back.

  But she didn’t.

  “I got your email.” Because of how empty the room was, he could hear every shade of anguish in her tone. “Tell me you weren’t thinking when you wrote it.”

  “I was thinking and I was thinking very clearly,” Alex spread his free hand over the satin sheets and stroked them. “I don’t see a future for us, Kat. As long as you’re a journalist and I’m in politics, how do you think it’s gonna play out? I’m already sick of hiding our relationship and it’s only been six months.”

  “Well, I’m sick of hiding it, too. In fact, I’ve stopped hiding it. I told all my colleagues about it today. That’s a roomful of reporters.” For the first time, he heard some cheer in her voice.

  “And what did they say?” Alex asked, sarcastic.

  “Well, my boss understands. He’s agreed to keep me off any news concerning you in the future. I won’t be covering local politics anymore. I’m moving to national. I’ll have to travel frequently to DC, but it’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make so something like this never happens again.”

  She’d made a career shift for him? After he’d broken up with her? What kind of woman did something so idiotic?

  “Well, good for you,” Alex said. “I wish you success in your career.”

  “Alex, don’t be so cold.”

  “You can’t expect me to be warm after you drowned my chances of victory.” He edged his tone with biting fury.

  “I just wrote the facts, for chrissake. It’s not my fault they happen to be so grim.”

  Alex had respected her conviction since the moment they’d met—it was her most endearing quality. But he hated that about her now.

  Sucking in what Alex assumed was an oncoming sob, she pressed on, “Like I said in the email, I knew about your past before you told me. My boss got a tip from somewhere and he wanted me to look into it. At first, I didn’t want to
believe it, but I was scared it might be true, so I started investigating. What I found shocked and conflicted me. Honestly, if you hadn’t come clean about it that night, I think I would’ve broken up with you because I was so affected. Anyway, after that I tried avoiding my boss and being hush-hush, hoping he’d forget, but he didn’t, and then someone else found out. I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep protecting you. I had no business doing that in the first place.”

  “But I still don’t understand why you ran the story. Nothing you said justifies your actions.”

  “When you admit to the whole world about being Cole tomorrow, you’ll understand me. You’ll understand how it feels to do the right thing. You’ll understand why I did what I did.”

  Alex decided not to mention that he wasn’t planning to admit anything tomorrow. It would disappoint her and he didn’t want her to be any more disappointed than she had to be.

  “I want to make it work for us, Alex.” Weakened by talking and crying, Kat’s voice lost its force. “This is just the first bump in the road. If we stick together, there’ll be many more. Are we going to run away every time instead of facing them?”

  He breathed out an angry huff of air. “How are we supposed to face them when I can’t even trust you?”

  “It’s okay. I know you can’t trust me all once after what happened. But you can trust me slowly. We can start as friends, or even acquaintances, and work at it. I’ll work hard. I’m not easy to love, but you loved me once.”

  Still do, darling.

  “Don’t try so hard,” he said, but it was half-hearted.

  Deep inside, he wanted her to try. He wanted her to break through to him and shatter the barriers he’d erected around his heart. He wanted her to make him open himself to being vulnerable again. To love her again.

  “I can’t let you go. In the last twenty hours, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a miserable person without you.” She certainly sounded it. “Yeah, I’m admitting that I need you. That I need a man’s love. That’s how much you’ve changed me. But wanting love—no, needing love—is only human. It just happens that I want yours.”