The Family Tree is an age-old school project, and it does have a few benefits. It helps children understand the concept of generations and visualize connections and relationships, but the traditional family tree chart falls short in many other ways. To begin with, the family tree is out of date. Popularized in the eighteenth century as a way for young women to practice their needlework, the traditional family tree has not evolved to fit the realities of a modern family. The format itself is constraining, and we know it does not represent the majority of American children’s family experience.
If a teacher feels strongly about utilizing the Family Tree in class, consider a few options that would be inclusive for all forms of families. One idea is to allow students to either use their actual family, or a family from literature or a TV show. Even coming up with a fictional family allows students to complete the assignment in a way that feels comfortable. If the objective of the Family Tree is to simply display a family, teachers can invite students to complete a Family Wheel with different sections for each family member, or even a Family Constellation where many family groups can exist with equal importance.
There are many other family projects that can be reimagined. Be deliberate in considering ways a lesson or project can be inclusive. There is a common Montessori lesson teachers use to celebrate birthdays. Students hold a globe and walk around a candle to represent that the Earth completes one revolution around the sun for each year of a child’s life. Traditionally, students bring in a picture from each year of their lives. It helps them understand time sequence and connect the passage of time with the movement of the planets. But the problem is that not all children, particularly children who have been adopted, have access to such pictures. Director and teacher at Family Montessori of Lebanon in Ohio, Erica Nichols (who also happens to be my cousin) makes this simple change. “Instead of baby pictures for this lesson, our classroom chooses to use an event which took place each year in the child’s life, like when a student broke their arm or their favorite football team won the Super Bowl. There are simple changes I can make to existing lessons so that all our students feel like their family experiences are valued. For me, it’s worth it to think my lessons through and make sure all of my students and their families are included.”
Another consideration is how our classrooms celebrate holidays. For many students, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are wonderful times to celebrate family members. But the truth is that these days can carry a different meaning for many students. Our schools, especially our elementary schools, would do well to think through celebrations like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Often there are lovely books to be read and crafts to make on these days, but it might also mean that some students in your room are left out or feel like the exception. There are ways to make crafts and honor special people in our students’ lives without assuming that each student has a mother or father to be celebrated.
Reflecting on how our classroom projects and lessons fit into our students’ understanding of family helps all students participate fully. We teachers are creative, and a little consideration about how to make these projects open and inclusive to more students can mean the world to them.
I’m sure there are some who would say making changes to the language we use to refer to families or family-centered projects is unnecessary. Perhaps there are some who think there is a singular definition of family all children should fit into. As a teacher you can expect this response and expect some to continue to do things the way they have always been done. But we owe it to our students to allow the realities of their lives to be represented in their learning. Like the American family itself, our thinking can evolve. It is worth the effort to include families because all students, all families, can be powerful forces in a child’s education when they feel they are accepted and included.
4.
We Will Get Through This Together
Supporting Students Through Grief and Loss
My Classroom Community
Simon started to shut down in class regularly. He would curl himself up in the tightest of balls and wriggle his way behind the computer cart or in between thick winter coats. I always wondered what he was thinking as he wrapped his lanky arms around his legs and rocked back and forth. Maybe he was perseverating on a difficult thought or maybe his mind was going completely blank as the gentle rocking soothed him. Either way, Simon was checked out of our classroom world, floating somewhere by himself.
The incidents that triggered this reaction were always small. Someone stepped on his shoe or another student cut in front of him in line. The truth was these little slights were not the cause of Simon’s distress. I was told Simon’s mother had moved to Nevada. Whether or not she would return was uncertain. Simon was grieving.
It took me months to figure out how to gently coax Simon back into our lessons. At first, nothing I did or said worked. I waited out his episodes. I attempted to bribe him with promises of free time. I gave him community incentives like earning the whole class extra recess, and I gave him access to calming activities. I also enlisted the aid of our school psychologist, who worked with Simon privately. Regardless of my approach, he would sit tightly woven in a ball, until one day I stumbled upon a strategy that broke him out of his guarded state.
Simon had wedged himself into a small space between the computer cart and the wall, making himself invisible. Instead of asking him to join the class, I said, “Simon, can you help me push in these chairs? The kids left them all a mess and I need your help.” Taken off guard, he stood up and started pushing in the chairs with me. I showered him with praise: “Thank goodness you’re here. This room would be such a disaster if we didn’t have you helping us. We need you.”
“Yes,” he agreed. “These chairs really need to be pushed in. Everyone has just left this place a complete mess.”
From then on, “Can you help me?” seemed like a secret password. Feeling that he was contributing seemed to lift Simon out of a dark place. I think that’s because it made him feel he was needed and appreciated by the class. He knew our class could not function without him. The rest of the school year was not perfect, but he was always more engaged after he completed a task that helped the classroom, whether it was turning on lights or wiping off tables.
Simon found strategies that would help him bounce back after his emotions overwhelmed him, like taking deep breaths or finding a chair in a quieter place in the room. He still struggled at times, but I could see he was processing his grief and developing skills that would help him overcome this challenge.
As a teacher, it was essential for me to uncover the true cause of Simon’s change in behavior. He was not following class rules, but not out of defiance. He was grieving. His refusal to participate in classroom activities and lessons was not something to take personally, because it was a cry for help. As teachers, we should work hard to recognize students’ needs so we can help them through difficult times in their lives.
Childhood Grief and Mourning
Death and loss are difficult subjects to discuss, even with adults. For teachers, tackling these subjects with children is even more daunting. It can be a challenge to find the precise words to say, or know what supportive moves to make. Often our apprehension at broaching the subjects of grief and loss might cause us to avoid conversations that could be uncomfortable, so we do not respond at all. But it does not have to be this way.
As teachers we can learn how to support our students even through the most difficult times in their lives. In fact, it’s imperative that we do so, because when a child is dealing with the negative spiral of grief and loss, that child is not in the best position to learn.
First, it’s important for teachers to recognize that grief may be a response to something other than death. In children, grief might be the result of the absence of a parent due to many reasons, like divorce, deportation, incarceration, or abandonment. The loss of a pet can often be the source of grief for children; so can changing homes. It may be easy for
us adults to dismiss when it happens to children, but genuine grief can be the consequence of the ending of a romantic relationship or the conclusion of a friendship.
The process of dealing with that grief is called mourning, and it can last for varying degrees of time. The American Cancer Society explains mourning as the “outward expression of loss and grief. Mourning includes rituals and other actions that are specific to each person’s culture, personality, and religion.” Mourning is an important step and should not be rushed.
Every incident of death or loss is different. Therefore, every response will be equally unique. Some students may exhibit strong signs of anguish, while others might appear as though nothing happened. George Bonanno, a clinical psychologist at Columbia University and author of The Other Side of Sadness, has studied grief for over twenty years. Among his most provocative findings is that 50 to 60 percent of mourners show no symptoms of grief one month following the loss. Some even overcome the grief within days. Due to this spectrum of grief responses, it is important to give children the amount of time they need to mourn, and it is equally important to understand the variety of ways in which grief is displayed and experienced.
How Children Grieve
Due to the natural evolution of a child’s development, their understanding of death and loss changes as they age. Young children can falsely interpret death as intentional abandonment or a temporary situation that can be reversed. One friend of mine remembers losing his father at seven years old. He waited each day for his father to return home, even though the adults in his life had told him his father had died. Since he was so young he did not comprehend what this meant. His understanding of death had been confused by seeing a character on a TV show die, then seeing the same actor miraculously appear on a different program. No one explained the difference to him, so he stared out the window for years searching for his father.
Children under the age of eight tend to be satisfied with a simple, clear explanation of death or loss. However, by the time a child is between the ages of eight and ten, they enter another development stage and their reaction may be different. Some children believe death won’t happen to them, while for others a death in the family or the broader community can prompt intense curiosity and speculation. Children this age begin to look to adults for more nuanced answers to their questions.
However, during preadolescence and adolescence stages of development, most children depend on their peers for support as they build their own understanding of death and loss. At this stage, they begin to see life as finite. Some teens and tweens begin to build a spiritual belief system to help develop their understanding, while others become more likely to engage in high-risk behavior.
It’s important to note that as children age, there may be additional periods of grieving even after the initial reaction is long past. For example, a child who experienced the loss of a close family member at a very young age might suddenly need support when they enter middle school, or become a teenager. I remember a high school classmate of mine experiencing deep sorrow over the loss of his sister who, sadly, had died at birth many years before. At the time, I didn’t understand why he suddenly felt this way when the loss had occurred so many long ago, but when we understand how the developmental stages affect grief responses, we realize this is completely normal.
Know the Signs of Grief and Loss
The Dougy Center, the National Center for Grieving Children & Families, has compiled a list of common responses of the grieving child or teen for schools. The organization reminds teachers that “remembering that each person grieves differently, it is important for each student to feel heard and accepted” and advise, “each response should be accepted and allowed, as long as it is not harmful to the student or another person.”
Academic Responses to Grief
•Difficulty focusing or concentrating, inattentiveness, daydreaming
•Failing or declining grades
•Incomplete work, or poor quality of work
•Increased absences or reluctance to go to school
•Forgetfulness, memory loss
•Overachievement, trying to be perfect
•Language errors and word-finding problems
Behavioral Responses to Grief
•Noisy outbursts, disruptive behaviors, “hyperactive-like” behavior
•Aggressive behaviors, frequent fighting
•Noncompliance to requests, “I don’t care” attitude
•Isolation or withdrawal
•Increased need for attention
Emotional Responses to Grief
•Insecurity, issues of abandonment, safety concerns
•Concern about being treated differently than others
•Depression, hopelessness, intense sadness
•Overly sensitive, frequently tearful, irritable
•Regression to times when things felt safer and more in control
•Preoccupation with death, wanting details
•A need for checking in on surviving family members and friends
•Appears unaffected by the death
Social Responses to Grief
•Withdrawal from friends, activities, or sports
•Changes in relationships with teachers and peers
•Use of drugs or alcohol
•Inappropriate sexual behavior/acting out
•Stealing, shoplifting
Physical Responses to Grief
•Increased requests to visit the nurse
•Stomachaches, headaches, heartaches, hives, rashes, itching, nausea, upset stomach
•Increased illnesses, low resistance to colds and flu
•Loss of appetite or increased eating
•Low energy, weakness
How Common Is Grief?
The Children’s Grief Awareness Day campaign released staggering statistics about just how many children experience grief and loss:
•One out of every 20 children aged fifteen and younger will suffer the loss of one or both parents.
•1.5 million children are living in a single-parent household because of the death of one parent.
•One in five children will experience the death of someone close to them by age 18.
•One in every 1,500 secondary school students dies each year.
•It is estimated that 73,000 children die every year in the United States. Of those children, 83 percent have surviving siblings.
These numbers make it clear that teachers will inevitably teach students who are experiencing grief in their classrooms. But it’s important to note that these particular statistics focus primarily on death as the instigating factor for grief. Since we know that grief responses can be triggered by other forms of loss, we must realize that the net grief casts in our classrooms stretches even wider. The Pew Charitable Trust found in 2010 that “1.2 million inmates—over half of the 2.3 million people behind bars—are parents of children under age 18.” That means that a staggering one out of every twenty-eight children in the United States has a parent in prison.” This does not account for the number of incarcerated siblings, close family members, or friends, which might also cause a student to grieve.
Additionally, separation from parents or family members due to immigration issues is another issue that can cause our students to experience grief and loss. When a parent is deported, some children accompany their parents out of the country and some stay here in American schools, sometimes entering into foster care. The Pew Research Center found that “children with at least one unauthorized immigrant parent made up 6.9 percent of students enrolled in kindergarten through 12th grade in 2012.”
These statistics indicate that our classrooms serve many students who are grieving the loss of a loved one or living under the threat of losing a loved one. The unfortunate reality is that, for many reasons, our classrooms will have children who are grieving.
Transitioning Families and Grief
The students who enter our classrooms each day can also be shape
d by grief and loss they have experienced in the context of a changing family. A transition in the family, like divorce or adoption, can cause grief.
According to Scientific American, every year 1.5 million school-aged students will experience the divorce of their parents. Psychologist and parenting expert Carl E. Pickhardt explains that children tend to react differently to divorce based on their age and maturity. Adolescents, who are already acting more independently of their parents, tend to “deal more aggressively with divorce, often acting in a mad, rebellious way.” This might include acting out, disobeying rules, and being more selfish or self-involved.
In contrast, Pickhardt explains in Psychology Today that younger children are more dependent on their parents and because of that, can harbor hopes that everything will return to normal once their parents choose to love one another again. They might feel anxious and insecure about their world because it becomes difficult to predict what will happen on a day-to-day basis.
Essentially, divorce and separation can elicit “a more regressive response in the child and a more aggressive response in the adolescent,” according to Pickhardt. Regardless of age, these responses can also affect learning. A 2011 study published in the American Sociological Review demonstrates how divorce can affect a child’s ability to learn. Researchers found that children whose parents had divorced earned lower math scores during and after the divorce process. There was also a negative effect on interpersonal skills, such as the ability to make and maintain friendships. It’s important to note that the researchers who conducted this particular study noted that the overall effect on children was limited. For example, reading test scores weren’t affected by divorce.
Like divorce, adoption can dramatically change the shape of a family and cause some children to experience grief. Rachael Burnett Daugherty, MSW, is an adoption professional at an international adoption agency. She encourages teachers to put an adoptive child’s experience in a broader context:
I Wish My Teacher Knew Page 8