I Wish My Teacher Knew

by Kyle Schwartz

  There is no typical adoption. Adoption happens in many forms so each child’s experience and reaction to that experience will be unique. Teachers should be aware that in some adoptions grief and loss can play a big role. Especially when a child’s adoption experience causes emotional trauma during a crucial developmental stage. The legacy of this trauma can show up even years later. For example, if an adopted child is in the crucial stage between eight and ten years old and experiences a typical rejection from a peer, like being excluded from a lunch table, he or she might have what could appear to be an overreaction. A small incident like this could lead to a fight or an emotional outburst. A connection can be made from this negative behavior to the initial loss the child experienced being placed for adoption.

  Regardless of what causes a child to suffer grief or loss, we should remember that the experience and trauma linger long after the actual event. If and when a student suddenly begins to “act out” or show dramatic changes in behavior, we teachers should ask ourselves, “Could the child’s behavior be the result of grief?”

  Supporting Students through the Grief Process

  As much as we wish we could, protecting children from difficult circumstances such as death and loss is not possible. Nor is it beneficial for our students. We do them a better service when we acknowledge their grief and lead them to positive ways of dealing with the intense emotions that come along with it.

  Our classrooms can become a supportive environment for students before and after a grief incident occurs. Openly discussing issues of death as they arise organically, such as when a class pet dies or when characters pass away in literature, helps our students understand that death is an appropriate topic. Academic subjects, such as life cycles, human anatomy, even many great works of literature, can become opportunities to develop students’ understanding of death. It is a natural part of life, and I think death can appear in the academic life of a classroom.

  It’s important that as teachers we know how to respond when a student has experienced grief or loss. Andrea Ruth Hopkins, MEd, early childhood educator with the Saint Paul Public Schools and grief facilitator, lays out three roles for educators responding to a grief or loss incident in their classroom:

  1.To help children feel safe while acknowledging the reality of death

  2.To promote an accepting classroom atmosphere where children’s feelings are supported

  3.To provide developmentally appropriate learning opportunities that allow children to discuss death.

  Supporting a student through a traumatic event like a death may not be our area of expertise, but we need not be intimidated. Professor Linda Goldman offers this advice for teachers who are unsure of their role: “It is important for educators to be present with grieving students and encourage them to share where they are in their grief process and what they need. Have faith and trust in them. The children are the only ones that can relay their personal experience. Allow them to explore and express themselves freely.”

  She adds: “We as educators must create guidelines to aid children through their grief journey, protect them in school during vulnerable times and make their classroom an oasis of protection to explore life issues with support and guidance.” Helping a student through grief can mean offering a listening ear, or an open door for questions. “When family, friends, and teachers rally around a student . . . The more caring adults on a student’s team the better.”

  Teacher Tools

  1. Tell the Truth

  We need to be prepared to respond to our students’ questions about grief and loss in a way that satisfies curiosity and fosters resiliency. When children ask questions about death or loss, they expect complete answers. When adults offer a restricted or limited answer—or, worst of all, no answer—most children will assume the topic is off-limits. Without an adult to turn to, a grieving child quickly can become isolated.

  When a student asks you a question, take it seriously and answer it honestly. Try to avoid clichés about death. Children often take our words literally and this can cause confusion. Well-meaning but abstract euphemisms like “crossed over,” “has gone away,” or “went to sleep for a long time” could cause confusion and anxiety in a child. Even common phrases like “is watching over us” or “wanted to go to heaven” might unintentionally confound the issue if a child does not have a well-developed understanding of physical death. Ensure that the reality of the situation is made clear.

  A good rule of thumb is to be direct and simple. Professor Goldman advises that “many children are comfortable with concise and truthful answers, especially at young ages. If explanations are too long or contain too much information, some children may tune out the conversation.” There are no categorically right or wrong ways of talking to a child about death or loss. But when a child asks a difficult question about death, it’s best to answer in age-appropriate, deliberately clear language.

  Though the chart on the next page is adapted from Professor Goldman’s book Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Death, it is far from a comprehensive list of questions your students may ask, or answers you might give. But I hope it empowers you to have open conversations with them. I know I feel better knowing I have a few simple sentences in my tool-belt to use when students ask difficult questions without much warning.

  For example, one day during CQC (my daily meeting with students where they can share a celebration, question, or concern) a wide-eyed student shot her hand up in the air and said, “I have a concern. Can cancer kill you? My grandma has cancer and I want to know if she will die.” It was quite a weighty question for a Monday afternoon, but I was able to give an answer.

  I stuck with my plan and was simple and honest. “Sometimes cancer does kill people, but other times people with cancer can live for a long time. It usually depends what kind of cancer a person has and how quickly a doctor can treat it. I don’t know about your grandma’s cancer, but maybe your mom does. Can you ask her?” Big brown eyes blinked back at me as the student said, “I did ask my mom, she told me to ask my teacher.” I answered the rest of her questions in the same manner. Another student chimed in, asking if you caught cancer like you would catch a cold. Then another student asked if pneumonia would kill her dad.

  This discussion did take up some class time, but was worth it. Maybe you, like me, have read books about teaching that advise you not to allow your class to get side-tracked and keep a laser focus on the lesson at hand, but I think about this little girl wondering all day if her grandmother was going to die. Had I not addressed her concern, she would not have been able to do any of the rigorous work I expected of her with this burning question racing around in her mind. For me, these discussions are not a distraction but rather a key to allow for learning. By being open with my students, I am able to create a sense of community and an environment where all students can have their concerns addressed, so they can turn their attention to learning.

  If your students lead you into a discussion like this, remember that you can always say, “I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe someone else does, we can ask.” Ending your conversations by saying, “If you think of any other questions, let me know” helps a child know their questions and concerns are valid and they can come to you. They may come to you with more questions or they may not, but feeling that there is a person who cares about them and is willing to answer their questions eases a grieving child’s anxiety and frees up mental space for learning.

  These are difficult conversations, but resist the urge to avoid them. The National Alliance for Grieving Children explains that “although it may be challenging to share the truth about how someone died, honest answers build trust, help provide understanding and allow children to feel comfortable approaching us with questions because they know they can trust us to tell them the truth. Children know more than we think they do and by not telling the truth, we risk leaving children to process complicated information on their own, rather than with the loving adults in their lives.”

/>   When a child experiences a loss, their emotional and physical stability can be disrupted, but as they ask questions and get honest answers, they are able to process and understand a tragic event.

  2. Memory Books

  Memory Books are a way for a grieving child to record their feelings, thoughts, and memories of a person who is not with them. How you choose to put together a Memory Book is very flexible. It can take the form of a written journal, a photo album, or even a shoebox of special objects. Some cultures’ form of a Memory Book is a small table or altar in the home or workplace dedicated to the remembrance of a loved one. A Memory Book can be completed by an individual child or, when a loss affects a whole class, compiled by a group of students.

  The Memory Book functions as a way for students to find a home for their ruminating thoughts of a person who has died or is not able to be present. This work is helpful in the same way that a to-do list aids us in assembling and categorizing tasks that need to be completed. Instead of obsessing over all the things that need to be done so we don’t forget them, simply processing those ideas and recording them allows us to focus on completing tasks and activities. For a grieving child, recording their memories provides comfort that their memories will not be lost and gives them mental permission to contemplate other things.

  You might consider including the following within a Memory Book:

  •Photos or drawings of the special person

  •The special person’s biographical information, including their birthday and the day they died

  •How the person died

  •Favorite memories, funny memories, sad memories

  •Interviews that record memories of friends and family

  •How the child wishes things could be

  •A letter to their special person or what they wish they could tell their special person

  •How the other members of the child’s family are grieving

  •What life was like before and what life is like now

  •What feelings the child has experienced

  •A list of what the child is worried about

  •A list of hopes the child has

  •What it was like at the funeral or the last time they saw the person

  •A list of allies a child can talk to when they need support

  These can be acutely personal topics to discuss, but they are all thoughts a bereaved child is likely contemplating. Teachers can use good judgment and sensitivity in the creation of a Memory Book that provides a safe way for a child to open up about their experiences. While compiling their Memory Book, students are able to discuss the grief incident and what thoughts or questions they might have. If those thoughts stay locked in the child’s head, they become difficult to process. Creating some form of Memory Book allows a grieving child to relive their experiences and process those memories while feeling secure and heard.

  3. Grief Rituals

  Most of us who have experienced a loss have performed a grief ritual to help us process the death or loss of a person we cared about. We may have lit a candle, said a prayer, or participated in a moment of silence. We do these rituals for a reason: they help console us and work through feelings of sorrow and abandonment in productive ways.

  Grief rituals can be thought of as deliberate gestures of remembrance that hold a significant meaning to participants. Your school might even have evidence of a grief ritual; our school does. We have a flower garden and a carefully painted rocking chair that commemorate the memory of a student who passed away. Teachers can take an active role in creating and allowing for grief rituals after a loss is experienced.

  Often when there is an incident that impacts a school community, school districts have a plan or recommendations in place. Your school district may have some form of a crisis response team that can assist with ideas and making arrangements for a grief ritual as part of their action plan. It might be meaningful for students or community members to participate in the planning of an event or ritual.

  Grief Rituals in Schools

  •Release balloons

  •Hold moments of silence

  •Hold a community forum for families, parents, staff members, and students

  •Name a community space, like a gymnasium, auditorium, or field

  •Produce a memory video

  •Compose songs, poems, or raps

  •Display photographs publicly

  •Make a mailbox available for students to “send” letters

  •Create a digital memorial on social media

  •Host a memorial event such as a talent show, spelling bee, sports game

  •Read a piece of literature, as a community, on a related topic

  Some of these rituals might feel difficult to participate in, especially if an incident has impacted you personally. One of the most powerful things we can do for our students in a time of loss is to model our own grief. As stable and caring adults we can demonstrate a positive, empathetic response to a significant loss that our students will pay attention to. Being open and authentic with our feelings helps create an atmosphere where students feel free to share their thoughts and feelings too.

  Some deaths, especially those that can be viewed as preventable, can carry an extra weight. The Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, recommends that all deaths and losses in a school community be acknowledged in the same way, whether it is a tragic accident, a drug- or alcohol-impacted death, or a suicide. They “believe very strongly that whatever policy or precedent the school sets should apply to all deaths” because “not having the same activity you would provide in a different kind of death gives the message that the student’s life was not valued, or that we should sweep suicide deaths under the rug.” According to the Dougy Center, memorials for a student who has died as a result of suicide do not encourage others to take their lives. Rather, it is “an excellent opportunity to educate your students, staff and school community about preventing suicide.”

  Still, not all grief rituals need to be community focused or public. Private grief rituals can provide comfort as well. These rituals are often unique and deeply personal, like taking special care in packing up the possessions left behind, cataloguing photos of the loved one, or cherishing gifts given.

  When I was a sophomore in high school my older sister left home for the first time and moved to Quito, Ecuador. On the surface I was unaffected. I did not want my family or teachers to know how much I missed her, for fear they would think I was overly sensitive. Secretly, I slipped into her bedroom each night and slept in her daybed for weeks after she left, carefully making the bed each morning so as to not be detected. While this loss certainly was not as acute as a death, I realize that I was doing this in order to ease the pain of my sister’s absence. It was my form of a private grief ritual.

  Teachers do not necessarily need to provide private grief rituals for students, but we should accommodate them. A bereaved student might benefit from fidgeting with a special necklace, looking at photos on their cell phone, or listening to music that holds a special significance. Sometimes students experiencing grief feel comforted and protected by something as simple as baggy clothing or large jackets, which provide physical comfort as well as a psychological protective barrier. Exceptions to school rules might need to be made in order to allow for these private grief rituals.

  The presence of grief rituals throughout time and across cultures speaks to their significance in the mourning process. As educators, we should become more comfortable taking an active role in providing and allowing for these experiences for our students. In this way we provide healing.

  4. Legacy Projects: Looking Back, Giving Forward

  After a loss grieving students often feel powerless. They feel as though they have no control over what has happened. The feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming. One way to overcome this is to lead your students in carrying out a Legacy Project, a service project that helps them feel empowered to take action on a related top
ic. There are a multitude of ways a Legacy Project can come to fruition. For bereaved students, participating in an activity uniquely connected to the person who was lost or taking active steps to raise awareness and contribute to prevention can be healing.

  There is no need to rush into implementing a Legacy Project. It is completely fine to take time, even a substantial amount of time, to deal with the loss and meet the community’s initial needs. Similarly, there is no wrong or right way to approach a Legacy Project. However, keep in mind that the goal is to empower your students to take action and by doing so regain a sense of control as they search for meaning in a loss.

  Legacy Projects

  •Plant a memorial garden or tree

  •Send cards to surviving family members or friends

  •Create an art installation like a mural or mosaic

  •Raise funds to donate to a connected charity

  •Create an informational poster or website on a related topic

  •Raise awareness through a social media campaign

  •Research a related topic and interview experts in the field in order to compose books or essays that share findings

  •Write newspaper articles or op-ed pieces taking a stance on a related topic

  •Donate books or toys to a related charity

  •Teach younger children a lesson on a related topic

  •Take care of the family’s home as they grieve

  •Plan a community meal or activity with a special meaning

  Make sure students or the school community are truly in charge of the project and that you, as the teacher, take on the role of facilitator. A Legacy Project should be open to anyone who wants to participate, but the project should also be optional, so those who choose to process the loss in their own way have the space to do so.