But he couldn’t bring her back. That would have to be done on her own terms, in her own way. He could come this far, but he knew, even if he were capable of changing her mind, that the right course was to let her do it on her own. She had to want to come back. To forgive him. He decided to test it.
“Forgive me, dear Mia. I have made a terrible error in judgment. I was confused. I was anxious. I didn’t make the right choice. I never doubted your love. But I had to tell you the truth, finally. I don’t know where this leaves us, but I love you just as I’ve always loved you. I don’t care how all this happened. Just know that I love you. I am your husband, Mia. Nothing else matters. Believe me when I say that. Nothing else matters.”
She stirred, and he thought she was going to rebuff him. She angled her head up, her face so close to his. The pain in her eyes sending a spear right through his chest. Her eyes scanned his face back and forth, tears still erupting and coursing down her cheeks. Her inhale was ragged. She opened her mouth to speak, but she said nothing, just continued to look at him, as if trying to figure out what to do.
“Mia,” and now he felt his own tears streaming down his cheeks, “I will never leave you. I have only room for you in my heart. I have loved you forever, it seems. Please, please forgive me. It was a terrible mistake. I have no right to it, but I beg forgiveness.”
“I—” she started.
Fredo’s cell phone rang with the distinctive tone only Kyle’s contact would bring him. He wished he could throw the phone against the wall.
He stood, lifting her up and setting her back on the couch and covering her up with the throw Felicia had knitted for them. She took comfort in it and buried her head in her knees again, sobbing.
Fredo answered the phone. “Kyle?”
“Fredo, you gotta get your butt to the airport. We’re moving out as soon as we can assemble the team. Secretary Harrison has been murdered and all hell has broken loose. The President himself has ordered us to go over and rescue the rest of the Embassy staff and to retrieve his body and bring him home.”
“Kyle—”
He looked across the room to Mia, who brought her head up, wiped her face and nodded. “Go.”
“Fredo? Something wrong?” Kyle asked.
Yes, everything was wrong. The timing sucked big time. Everything he valued was on the line, and he had no time to work it out. He was kicking himself all over the house for having waited so long.
“I’m on my way.”
He ended the call and came back to Mia’s side, sitting close to her but not wrapped around her.
“We’re all leaving. Again, I must ask for your forgiveness. I can’t say no. It is what I do, and you know this, Mia. But please tell me you’ll think about this and know that I love you. We will talk when I get back.”
Her glow was gone. She looked tired, on overload. He worried about her condition. Daring to touch her face, just her cheek, just a gesture to show her how he cared for her, his thumb brushed the tears from her cheek. He came in slow and kissed her on the mouth. But his kiss was not returned.
“It’s okay. I’m leaving now, but I’m coming back.” He tilted her chin up. She didn’t look at him. “Mia,” he leaned to the side to catch her gaze and their eyes met. “Know that every fiber of my being belongs to you, my love. I cannot, and will not, even if you ask me, give up on us, give up on you. I made a mistake. That’s all it was. A horrible mistake. I will never do such a thing again. Please trust me. Can you do that?”
He knew he was on thin ice, and he desperately wanted an affirmation she was going to be here for him when he returned.
And then it occurred to him he was being selfish. This was the point where he had to trust her, not the other way around. She was the wife of a SEAL, and as such, she had to do her part of the healing. He’d told her the truth. And this time, that was a mistake. He had to trust that she’d believe him. If she couldn’t, then she couldn’t. But, regardless of what effect it had on her, on their love and their family, he was a SEAL first and foremost, and he had to rush to do his job, perhaps never to be able to return to her. He’d have to leave without the reassurance he selfishly desired.
One last time, he placed his palm at the top of her head, smoothing down the beautiful curls of her jet black hair. It might be the last time he ever touched her, he thought.
He decided to take it as it was, because now he had to reel himself in and prepare for something altogether different. He had to descend to the gates of Hell itself and possibly death. And he had to walk there willingly with his wits about him, or he’d get someone else killed as well as himself.
He stood. Approaching his bags, he knew it would be easier if he looked back to see if she even followed his movement to the door. It might give him some degree of hope, some indication she’d remain by his side.
But he overruled that decision, picked up both his bundles which always contained his tactical gear, and opened the door. But he couldn’t leave like this. He glanced over his shoulder. That’s when he saw her running to him. He dropped the bags and allowed her body to slam into his. Her kiss was urgent, the gallow’s kiss he’d heard about so many times. That one last time to touch the heart and soul of the most important person in his life. It stung, but he held her for as long as he dared, kissed her hard, and then pulled away.
“Come back to me, Fredo.” Her fierce stare was intended to show him her strength and to give some to him as well. But he saw she was petrified, just barely able to scrape up enough to show him what she had.
“I promise.”
“I don’t understand how all this could happen, but you have to be the father. I swear to you it is so.”
“I believe you. We’ll sort it out later. Nothing in this world will keep me from coming home. Nothing.”
Chapter 16
‡
THE LARGE TRANSPORT took off abruptly, its frame and insides groaning like a huge dinosaur with wings. The evening was fully upon them without a hint of light on the horizon. The red glow of the beast’s interior was a familiar sight.
He’d changed clothes into his lightweight tactical gear when he arrived at their hangar. It wasn’t like a boy’s club for him, nor was it for Kyle, Armando, Coop and several of the other guys. T.J. was in a rotten mood, so when a couple of newbies began fist-bumping he gave them a scowl like they were children. What they were going into wasn’t going to be any picnic. Yes, Fredo understood how exciting it was to go on your first mission, but it didn’t mean he or any of the older Team guys wanted to see it.
As he followed behind the newbies getting ready to board, hanging back with Coop and Kyle, Armando sidled up to him.
“Nice job, Frodo. Knocked my sister up good and proper.” The handsome SEAL showed him a bunch of white teeth Fredo wanted to punch out of his mouth.
He wondered how he’d gotten the news and then remembered they’d told Danny and Luci last night at dinner. No, tonight at dinner! And he hadn’t even had the chance to say good-bye to little Ricardo who would wonder why he wasn’t around.
“Hey, you in shock about the new little one, bro?” Armando seemed to notice Fredo wasn’t all smiles.
Armando of course had no clue what had transpired. Fredo didn’t want to be the one to tell him. He just didn’t have the energy. He noticed Coop grab Armani’s arm and pull him aside. He was grateful someone was going to explain it to his brother-in-law, but it still sucked someone else was carrying his bags. He should have had the cojones to do it himself. But he remained feeling numb, hating to leave Mia in that tangled state. Worried about her, the baby, and just about everything else. He knew he had to adjust his thinking so he could focus on the mission or he’d never make it back home.
Danny caught up to Fredo. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have told them.”
Fredo stopped and T.J. ran into him from behind.
“Them?” Fredo felt he could punch Danny too.
Danny was fidgeting, searching from side to side. “We ran into T.J. and
Shannon, Armani, Jones, and Carter.” He rolled his eyes. “At the ice cream shop.”
Fredo just continued walking. T.J. passed him but bumped into his left side on purpose and nearly knocked him off his feet.
Love you too, asshole.
“Surprised you didn’t get a fuckin’ bullhorn out and stand in front of Joe’s to shout out to traffic going up and down the Strand.”
Danny shrugged “Sorry, man.” He stayed in step with Fredo.
But it was the wakeup call he needed. Time to remember where he was at all times, to know who was behind, who was leading. When to speak. When to act. Watch everything. He knew if someone had tossed a grenade into the belly of the plane, it would take him more than a couple of seconds to fall on it like he’d been trained, and that would cost everyone their lives.
But knowing he was dangerously distracted was the first step. He had to face that fear, step on it like he did the sand spider over in Iraq.
“Naw, Danny. No apology needed. My wife would be on the horn to everyone. I was actually surprised she’d held off.” He rolled his shoulder just before he took the climb to the plane’s innards.
“Probably wanted you to be there.”
Yea, Mia would be like that. Would want to share the news with him by her side. Because she had no idea what he was going to say, talk to her about. She must have felt like a yo-yo for all he’d put her through.
Fuck!
He sat down, stowed his bags with all the others, and strapped in. To his right was Coop. To his left was his brother-in-law, Armando. Directly across from him was Kyle, and he was watching. The giggle boys at the end stopped their punching and hitting when the plane abruptly roared into the sky. They all got looks from the older guys and quickly shut up.
Fredo leaned back, closed his eyes, and tried to will himself to dream. If he could just get some rest, get into some fuckin’ dream about normal life before the emotional events of today, he might gain the additional strength he’d need. This would be the last time he’d be able to check out. And that’s all he wanted to do right now. Coop knew to leave Fredo well enough alone because he told the Nebraska farmboy what had happened. And Coop had the smarts not to tell Fredo he’d predicted what would happen.
Motherfucker’s right like ninety percent of the time.
He hated that about his buddy.
And Armando? Well, he’d had his share of turmoil in his life. But all that was past him. They were brothers on the Team and brothers by marriage on the outside too, which was common on all SEAL Teams. Always would be, too. These bonds sometimes lasted beyond the marriages that initiated them. Fredo knew Armani wouldn’t blame him too much for upsetting his sister, because his efforts were legendary in winning Mia’s heart.
Now he was going to have to do it again. He left with the expectation she wouldn’t leave him, but he had to make sure their relationship healed solid. And damn, wasn’t this emergency deployment sucky with the timing?
Before he began to feel the effects of his willpower shutting down everything so he could quickly catch some Zs, he opened his eyes a slit—just enough to see Kyle staring back at him, expressionless.
Fuck! Now I’m on his radar. He re-closed his eyes, settled and told himself the truth: it was Kyle’s job. He needed to know if someone wasn’t whole. He hoped to God he could wrap himself around that place he went to when he went to war.
THE TIRES TOUCHING tarmac jolted Fredo awake. Everyone was unstrapping and rolling out in single file. He did the same.
It was early morning in Virginia. The air was brisk with the early fall chill, unlike San Diego. With the sun barely coming up, he longed for a cup of coffee to warm him up. Maybe some soup for breakfast.
He didn’t engage in banter, and everyone but Coop left him alone. They sat on the metal bench, their nostrils filled with jet fuel fumes and the sounds of take-off and landing. It wasn’t exactly a nice waiting room, but Fredo was grateful the noise and smells made it so normal chit-chat and conversation were not possible. He wanted to call Mia, but wasn’t sure it was smart, and didn’t want to cry in front of his buds. Asking Coop might subject him to hearing something he might not like or would set him off. His emotional volatility was off the charts, and he didn’t like being dangerous.
Coop wandered off to a mini-store built just inside the hangar. The place had a microwave and smelled like decent coffee. Without asking, his friend came back with a bean and cheese burrito and a cup of coffee.
He looked at the burrito, the cheese melted on the inside of the plastic wrapper which had been cut off at one end, and he nearly threw up. He grabbed the coffee instead. “Give it to one of the froglets.”
What a change from his first few deployments. Fredo’d packed so many energy bars that he nearly had enough to feed the whole squad. But it helped him make friends of the older guys who weren’t exactly affectionate to newbies. As he watched Coop offer the burrito to the first youngster, he remembered what it was like being in their shoes. Scared to death, trying to act like you knew what you were doing, but afraid you’d pee your pants or do something to injure another Team guy or get someone killed.
Now? Now he wasn’t worried about it. If he got killed, it wouldn’t be their fault, but he wasn’t going to tell them. It would be his fault for not paying attention. And they’d learn that, too. Forget about looking good or cool. Just do what you’d been trained to, trust the training and don’t worry about anything else. He also knew that being nervous was just part of it, and if at any time he wasn’t nervous, he’d probably come home in a body bag.
The coffee was bitter, but thank God it was strong. He burned his tongue on the liquid, and he actually liked the feeling.
Coop sat down, sprawled his legs with knees spread, and leaned back against the corrugated metal wall, and pretending to be sleeping.
Fredo decided to act human. “Any idea how long we wait?” he asked Coop.
Coop had picked up some bubble gum and blew himself a bubble that popped all over his mouth and nose. He looked like a kid of eight. He gave Fredo a crossed-eyes look and a goofy grin. Leaning over, he whispered to Fredo, “Word has it the pilot is about to get his rocks off with one of the pretty nurses back behind the fuel truck over there. She’s got a thing for the smell of tires and a place she can scream and not have to reveal her secret.”
“What secret?” Fredo knew it was a mistake the instant it left his mouth.
“She’s got three titties.” Coop blew another bubble and wiggled his eyebrows, showing with his hands where they all sat, in a row across his chest.
Fredo wanted to pour his coffee on Coop’s knee, but that would just be mean. All his friend had wanted to do was cheer him up. Fredo mocked checking out the fuel truck to the left. “Yea? I think I can see him on his knees. Oh man, I wish he’d hurry and quit eating her out and get to business. My fuckin’ butt is getting cold, and I’m looking forward to a little vibration to satisfy myself some too.”
Coop chuckled. “Now that was funny.”
Yea. I’m a real hoot.
A couple of the froglets saw them checking out the fuel truck and started leaning forward, whispering to themselves and then winking back at Coop and Fredo. In spite of himself, Fredo chuckled.
“Were we ever like that, do you suppose?” Coop asked.
“I don’t think so. I don’t remember being that clueless. But remember old Tank and Gruber? Those guys wouldn’t let up on you and all your health food crap. And they were going to drown you in beer by the end of that tour, remember?”
“God, I miss those guys. They were real men.”
“Yup. They made it home so they could move to Florida and walk around in aloha shirts and flip-flops.”
“And scaring tourists with all the stories at the UDT Museum. They deserved it, man,” answered Coop. “They both got pretty young wives.”
“That’s right. I heard they take turns parachuting into the parades and festivals they have there sometimes. I loved those guys
.”
“Gruber’s working on wife number four, I hear,” said Coop.
“Fuck that.”
“Knockers the size of Texas, too.”
“No shit?” Fredo clutched at his chest, angling as if he had boobs the shape of the state of Texas and shook his head, rejecting the logistics. “I’d go for cantaloupes.”
And that was that. The conversation had to end, because one of them had finally referred to Fredo’s present situation, which brought back all the dark feelings. It just had to stop before it got worse.
“You should call her. I know you want to.”
“Not sure I’m ready.”
“Then get ready. Were you ready for sex your first time?”
Fredo chuckled. “I have no fuckin’ idea. I don’t even remember it, I was so drunk.”
“Well, I sure do. It was the highlight of my summer. A real Mrs. Robinson event. She did more things to me than I ever thought possible, and it wasn’t for a couple of years until I found anyone else who could do those things.”
“Like what?”
“She sucked my balls, man. I could never get any of my girlfriends in high school to do that.”
Fredo looked at him cross-eyed. “You should’a had them waxed, man. You’re one hairy motherfucker. I’ll bet you were about to ask some jock on your football team to do it.”
“Soccer. Lots of horny motherfuckers like you on the soccer team. They’d have done it, too, but then I found that little minister’s daughter and oh man! The girl could suck. She loved to suck, and I loved watching her suck.”
Fredo was feeling better. The normal smack talk was what he needed. He was beginning to feel his edge coming back. That part of him that was unstoppable. The part that made him look like a dog who would rip your head off if you weren’t careful.
“So, speaking of sucking and shit, call her.”
Fredo did empty the contents of his coffee cup into Coop’s lap.
Coop didn’t even react. “You want me to dial the number or can you figure it out yourself?”
Fredo's Dream: SEAL Brotherhood: Fredo Page 12