Yet there is yet a strange background of uneasiness—a strange impending sense that this state of being is not permanent, that there is more to the puzzle, and without the answer I cannot remain in this condition.
I still fear that I will revert back to my former state: stuck in my head, thinking, worrying and computing with my mind; needing, wanting and craving with my body—being human, not a free spirit.
I can’t go to the moon and return with a moon rock, I can’t move to another galaxy and steal an access code; I can’t even get out of my head. I only know that my head is full of blood and gray matter and bone and I cannot extricate myself from it. I don’t even know if I can.
The sleepiness overcomes me and I fall a strange uneasy sleep.
The following day when I awake and find my fears have come true. I am once again immersed in the mental “chatter” that has always defined my life. The state I gained from yesterday’s experience has simply gone, and I have no idea how to get it back.
Confronting the supposed incident of the Spirit Injector left me with a wonderful sensation and a new awareness, but now I seemed to be no better off than I was before—in fact I may be worse off! Before that incident I had no idea how “socked in I was”, now I do.
Espree is taking it much harder than I am. Her bright green eyes have gone dull and almost gray. Her shiny hair looks dry and the shimmer is gone; her body seems to have shrunk, her skin is has become pallid. She looks 20 years older. I am shocked.
She has gone to a corner of the room—her eyes unfocused and far away. She looks so tired. I feel her loss but there is nothing can do about it.
After millions of years struggling she finally thought she had won, only to experience what appears to be an utter defeat. I am not out of anything, I am free of nothing and I am beginning to doubt her entire story. I can’t help it. It’s nice to say you’re a spirit and not a body. It’s cool to think that you can move across the universe by thought alone; it’s fun to believe you can pluck a palm tree out of the ground—that’s all nice. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding and there ain’t no pudding yet.
So I’m trying to reason it out. I’m thinking about the feeling I had after the incident with the injectors—that was real? Something did happen…didn’t it?
They were memories! They must have been…weren’t they?
And those images on the viewer—they did have profound effect on me…didn’t they?
Did I actually contact a memory or was it just the power of suggestion. Is that what this is all about? I’m beginning to lean toward the power of suggestion theory. I just can’t help it.
I look at Espree and I see a defeated being. I know she can read my thoughts and she knows I am losing the faith.
“I can’t just push these thoughts away Espree. I’m sorry. No one would rather you were right than me. You know I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you. I…I just. I mean I should be ‘out’, but I don’t feel any different now. I don’t understand why…”
She smiles weakly.
Damn! If I could just jump out of this body and…
I’m thinking of the injector incident and how that heavy feeling seemed to dissolve suddenly. It did dissolve didn’t it? What was it that occurred just before? I think back. I know it occurred immediately after I fully realized the truth of the situation and the truth was this:
I created it. I was responsible.
Sure I had every reason to succumb the way I did. I was overwhelmed, suppressed, betrayed and confused. But I was the one who had to give in.
When I finally recognized the “truth” about it I was…
“The truth shall set you free.”
I know I’d heard that in some religious context somewhere in my life—or maybe it was a Star Wars episode. I don’t exactly remember where, but it doesn’t matter because it fits perfectly.
In that moment in the womb of my first mother I recognized to truth of it. I decided to be there in the comfort of my mother. I decided to be numb. I did it. That decision, at that time, has been with me ever since.
Possibly this was the result of the Spirit Trapper or even the Mind Fabricator. Could I have DECIDED to be in this state? Could I have been responsible for that too? Could that be the truth?
I feel lighter. And I realize that the fog I was freed from IS in fact gone, there is simply another layer of fog and a larger truth behind it.
And there may be an even bigger fog and an even larger truth.
“And that is the way out.” I say. “That is the way out.”
I took my first step. I recognized my first truth. And now I recognized the route out—through the fog.
Espree looks up; she has sensed something in me. I see a slight spark of life comes back into her eyes.
“The truth shall set you free,” I say again, “it MEANS something—I just don’t know exactly what, but it somehow fits in here. This is the datum I need to apply. And whether this is coming from me or is a message from God doesn’t matter. It is right, it fits.”
The truth is not opinion or belief or faith or anything else, the truth is the exact occurrence as it occurred, where it occurred, and what context it occurred in. In fact the truth is what IS happening, because, as a spirit, I am not restricted my time. I can travel back in time and re-experience the event as it IS happening.”
I’m feeling it again. The serene feeling I lost has returned and I know I simply need to continue my journey all the way to its end. It goes through the Mind Fabricator and ends in the Spirit Trap and by god that’s what I’m going to do.
Espree is staring at me. The luster has returned to her eyes and her skin.
I’m laughing. “Don’t say it Espree. You’ve been telling me that since your first lecture in Biophysics 101. And I finally got it.”
“And you know what to do now?”
“Yes, I do. I may have been freed from exhaustion, but I am not freed from the effects of the Spirit Trap. I am still encased in an energy mirror. And I am not free of the mind. I still “wear it” and perceive through its preprogrammed perceptions, and it is still downloaded into my brain and attached to my body. That’s why I can’t get out.
That’s where the doubts came from—my Mechanical Mind. They are part of the program that ensures NO ONE may discover the truth. The discovery of the truth is fatal to those who would enslave us. And so we think and figure and wonder and analyze until it “makes sense”. And it may be an answer but it is not the truth. And so we analyze the walls, the ceiling and the floor of our trap and our trap is the physical universe. We learn all about it until we are so sure it is there that we shall never ever be free.
“That is what the mind is Espree. A devious string of red herrings following the pied piper down the road to a myriad of answers that explain it all but solve nothing. Newton and Aristotle defined the trap, Einstein and Tesla defined it further. They were geniuses but only through the framework of computer program feeding them predetermined data. ”
Espree is staring at me in admiration. She is back too. She is beautiful. I see tears in her eyes. “I thought all was lost….again.”
“So did I Espree. So did I.
“I believe our next step is the Mind Fabricator Tim.”
“I believe you’re right.”
“Let’s get something to eat Espree. I have a feeling I will need all the fuel I can get to confront the truth of the Mind Fabricator.”
CHAPTER 18
“Are you ready Tim?” says Espree holding onto the joystick of the viewer.
“Ready or not…”
She types “Mind Fabricator—“Putonia” on the keyboard.
The screen flashes red with a big warning notice “NO ADMITTANCE—IF YOU ARE VIEWING THIS YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF UNIVERSAL LAW. TRACKING WILL BE ACTIVATED IN TEN SECONDS.
“Blah, blah, blah.” Says Espree. “Don’t believe it.”
I’m feeling real nervous! “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I tested
it out last night when you were asleep. Nothing happened. It’s just a scare tactic.”
“Espree! What if something would have happened! What if they sent someone to get us―I mean you wouldn’t have to worry about it, but what about me…”
Espree laughs. “Good grief, I wasn’t using a viewer on this planet. I was half way across the universe. You were never in danger.”
“Oh, OK, good thinking Espree. I should have known.”
She looks down at her finger next to the latest code on the Code List and types it in.
The viewer shows a view of a long narrow spacecraft orbiting the planet that has the general shape of a Q-Tip. I’m feeling a twinge of nervousness and I’m aware that my head feels like it is being compressed. I brace myself. This will inevitably get much worse.
Espree types ZOOM IN TO NEXT RV on the screen.
The warning message returns.
She types in another code.
NO VIEWER AVAILABLE shows on the screen.
“Damn! I thought this might happen.”
She enters another search. I see the same type of ship and another planet.
NO VIEWER AVAILABLE ends this search.
Espree locates a dozen other Mind Fabricators, but inevitably the sequence ends in NO VIEWER AVAILABLE.
She leans back in her chair, staring at the viewer.
“There are no viewers within range of a Mind Fabricator Tim. It’s completely hidden.” She shakes her head. “This viewer is useless.”
She turns to me. “You’re just going to have to find the memory. You need to recall the truth.”
“I don’t think I…”
“You certainly will not if you think that way!”
She nods intently at the viewer. “Look at that ship Tim. Remember it! Recall when you arrived at the Mind Fabricator.”
I just don’t know where to look in my mind. I have a vague feeling of anxiety and I’m trying to bring it into my awareness.
“That’s right Tim! Find the memory! It has that anxiety in it! You can find it!”
I try, but the anxiety is fading and my mind has become blank. I try to imagine what it would be like but it only makes me wonder and imagine and think I am making the whole thing up. I’m not “seeing” it in my mind. When I confronted the Spirit Injector incident I knew it was real. I wasn’t trying to figure it out. It was right there in my memory.
“Recall the time you entered the Mind Fabricator!” Says Espree more intently.
I look at the ship in the viewer. I close my eyes and try to remember. Nothing comes to mind!
“It is there Tim! It is! Recall the time you entered the Mind Fabricator!”
I’m feeling desperate. I’m letting her down. I’m trying, but nothing is coming up and I’m only becoming more distracted by Espree’s impatience.”
“Tim, you must! Recall the time you entered the Mind Fabricator!”
“I’m sorry Espree! I’m trying! But I don’t know where to look, there’s nothing to see!”
I open my eyes. Espree is looking at me sympathetically. “I’m so sorry Tim. I know I can’t just bully you into something. This isn’t going to work.”
“Sorry Espree.”
After a short silence Espree looks into the viewer. Her eyes are intent. I see an image of some strange planet in the viewer.
“Can you see that Tim?”
“You mean that planet?”
“YES. What color is it?”
“Well, it’s brown and green and it’s got that reddish round part at the equator.”
“Wonderful! This just might work!”
“What will work?”
Espree is excited! “That planet is the planet Tartornia. I placed my memory of it in the viewer! You could see it!”
“Good thing it wasn’t a car!”
“Funny Tim.” She looks back at the viewer. “Try this!”
It’s the car, a red Ferrari.
“Do you see that?”
“That Ferrari?”
“YES that Ferrari!” She stands up. “Tim, we’re not defeated yet!”
I’m getting it. “So you’re saying that you transfer your memories to the viewer?”
“YES! I never thought of it before. I just need to re-create the scene in the viewer.”
“Then why didn’t the car work Espree―the one you said you created?”
“Because Tim, it was my car, my creation. That’s not how this universe works—it is a universe that we have agreed to. I did not create that Ferrari―it had already been created. I simply re-created an energy duplicate of it in my mind, then I placed it the viewer.”
I’m not really following this.
Espree smirks. “Get a camera and take a picture of something. Give the photo to anyone else…
“Oh, I get it, and they see it.”
“I’m just playing by the rules Tim. That’s why it works.”
I know what she’s thinking now. But I don’t think I like it. She’s going to go into the Mind Fabricator and come back. Then she is going to essentially replay it in the viewer.
I don’t want her going into that thing. It is one thing to confront the memory, but it’s another thing to actually go through it…willingly. And who knows what booby traps are involved in that place. Espree says she is no different than I am, therefore she too can be trapped and without the knowledge of that diabolical Mind Fabricator she very well might.
Espree smiles, “I need to do this Tim. If only to understand how it works. I need to know this.”
No, I don’t like this at all. “And what if you get caught? You know yourself, that thing is the most devious device in this universe.”
“Tim, you said it before. We are both trapped in this universe anyway. We must find a solution. This is a solution.”
“No that is NOT right Espree! You are not trapped. By going into that thing, you may find yourself trapped. I cannot have that on my conscience…”
“And I cannot have you on mine.”
I’m trying to think of something else. There must be some other way.
“How about this Espree, how about if you get us a ship and we fly in close….”
“We would be destroyed before we got within sight of it.”
She smiles and walks over to the easy chair and sits down. “You know this is the way. You know I have to do this Tim.”
“But what if you can’t….”
“That is not an option. I will be back…”
“Espree wait a minute…”
I see her eyes grow vacant and close. I know she is gone, and now I am alone.
CHAPTER 19
It is so ironic. When I was young I fantasized about having the planet to myself. I could go anywhere, do anything and nobody could tell me what I could or couldn’t do or have.
Well, my fantasy has come true. Be careful what you wish for. Of course the fantasy did not include aliens invading Earth and everybody being paralyzed and loaded into a Harvester.
I am beginning to resign myself to the fact that Espree is gone. I haven’t seen, nor “felt” her for two weeks. She must have been caught. I know it. I didn’t feel right about it in the first place. I should have stopped her and convinced her that there is a better way. Maybe we could have come up with another solution. Now she is one of us—trapped in hell for eternity.
If there is a god we need him now because our last hope has now become trapped in a Mind Fabricator.
I go back to her office and check in at least once a day. That body is still there, but I assume it will be dead any day now. It is so emaciated. It looks like a mummy without the wrap.
I tried to feed it, but it just reflexively coughs when you put something down its throat. I think Espree was responsible for that. She never fed it, she used her own energy. Maybe the stomach doesn’t work anymore. I trickle water slowly into its mouth and it seems to go down, but only is small amounts. It takes hours, one small teaspoon at a time. That’s the only reason it’s still sitting the
re breathing. But it continues to deteriorate and it won’t be long now. There’s no point in continuing this.
I’m resigned to the fact that either something went terribly wrong or she just decided it was better to leave. Maybe she couldn’t get in the Mind Fabricator and decided there was nothing she could do about it. I don’t think she is someone who would be big on goodbyes—especially when you’re saying goodbye to someone who will be trapped forever in hell—it would actually be rather cruel.
But when I speculate about it all, I just get angry. So I don’t think about it. I just think about how to live my life as it is and keep that fading bit of hope alive.
My fantasy of having the planet to myself is also lacking another important component―electricity. In my fantasy I could have cars and airplanes and movies and all the toys that run on electricity. But the aliens have apparently turned it off. Anything electrical is inert. That means I have a planet full of toys and most of them won’t run. A trip to Europe or Asia—all the places I’ve always wanted to go—are out of the question without airplanes and cars. Hell, taking a trip to see the Grand Canyon or something relatively close, is a week’s hard ride on a bike or some other self-powered mode of transportation. Then there would be no air conditioning or heat in the winter, no radio to listen to either! This is a terrible fantasy!
Oh I could probably rig some electrical generator and recharge a battery—damn, I wish I had the internet to look it up! Well I’ll figure it out. My first objective is to recharge a Ferrari battery and drive the Pacific Coast Highway balls to the wall.
For now I have mechanical stuff. I have guns and bicycles, surfboards and rollerblades. I have any clothes I want—but then I was never big on clothes. I feel free to go anywhere, but for the first time in my life of being my own man and not needing anybody, I’m feeling a terrible sense of loneliness. My fantasy did not include loneliness either, but this fantasy definitely contains it.
Out of curiosity I go into a nearby hospital. I have to find out about people who could not go outside. Many of the patients obviously could not be moved. Are they still in there? Were they also collected, or will they all be lying in their beds decomposing?
Total Amnesia: Forgotten Lives Page 17