I feel a lump in my throat, “So it’s possible?”
“Yes, it’s possible.”
She moves closer and looks into my eyes and for the first time I see the sadness—the weight and the toil of millions of years of failure; of seeing your fellow spirits degraded and crushed beneath the intolerable burden of ignorance and pain.
For the first time I actually get it. I don’t know how she can take it. I really don’t.
“That is how I feel about everyone Tim—EVERYONE,” she says, as her eyes well up with tears.
I see the grief in her face as a single tear streams down the side of her cheek.
“And I am no longer willing to ignore the feelings that I have suppressed within myself for so long. I can no longer remain ignorant to what is happening to you and all your fellow captives.
“Tim, I CAN’T go out and have a vacation. I can’t dance and drink champagne while I watch all those around me suffering, condemned for eternity.
“What if you saw a child starving in the corner of this room—right over there? Would you take the responsibility for doing something about it?”
“W’ll, yeah of course I would,” I say helplessly—because I know where this is going.
“Tim! There are trillions of children at this very moment starving in the corners of rooms, or on the street, or in some refugee camp somewhere in this universe. What is the difference?”
I can’t reply. I don’t really know what to say.
“The only difference is that you are not aware of them. It’s simply the degree you are willing to look. How much are you willing to extend of your awareness? If you are not willing to look, you will not see and you will not be aware and you will not have to care. You will become small and un-reaching and unable to the degree that you choose not to see. You will condense into a body and confine yourself to a planet and interiorized into a life of playing some silly game for personal gain—or worse become a pawn in someone else’s.
“I have successfully suppressed my awareness for most of an eternity because I could not face the responsibility for what I saw—my fellow spirits trapped in the universe I myself had constructed. Until I met you it was all successfully held at bay for one reason―I simply did not know what to do! Using that justification I remained ignorant, critical and unaware. I ranted and raved at entire cultures on millions of planets. I created spectacles that left them in awe of me and produced miracles that made them my followers. I stood upon my soapboxes and made my speeches—punctuated by my mighty thunderbolts and lightning. I started a million religions and left my message of salvation for them to follow.
“But Tim, they could not follow it. Every thought they had of freedom was countered by their Mechanical Mind and filtered through a million circuits that eventually came out with a conclusion that would never allow them to go free.
“Now I believe we have found a way to help; now everything has changed. I can no longer say ‘I don’t know’. I can no longer justify my inaction or my cavalier attitude to what is happening. I can no longer stand outside this universe and make my excuses.”
She pauses; knowing this is just another one of her rants that will only filter through my own circuitry and come out the other end with an irrational conclusion.
My particular conclusion comes out in the form of being tired and needing a break but I know Espree isn’t going to buy it.
“Now Tim, that child is there in the corner starving. Do you want to ignore him and go have some fun?”
I have to smile. “Well if you put it that way…”
I feel my vacation plans fading away.
Espree is looking at me with her big green eyes. I see no sympathy in those eyes. I only see an unwavering intention.
“We need to do this now Tim. And after we have accomplished this, we can spend the rest of eternity exploring this universe—just as I originally intended. And when we’re tired of that, we can then create our own.”
“But Espree; what if I get trapped again?”
“Then you will be trapped―or rather you will remain trapped." She says matter-of-factly.
I’m really not liking this. I’m being backed into a corner and there’s no way out.
“Tim, what you’re feeling is the effects of the Spirit Trap. EVERYTHING about it is ‘stop’, ‘wait’, ‘relax; ‘be careful’, ‘withdraw’, ‘be comfortable’―but mostly ‘do something else’.
If you’re going to get through this thing you’re going to have to disagree with it―right now.”
I’m getting angry. She’s just wants me to do this now. It’s easy for her to say―after all; it isn’t her neck―she’s not in the trap! I’m sure she’s had plenty of tours around the universe. She’s seen all the sights. She’s had her fun. Yeah, it’s easy for her to say…”
“Tim!” Her eyes are flashing. “You have to trust me. We must do this now!”
“Why?” I say, knowing full well that I’m just stalling.
She just looks at me with her steely green eyes. “Please.”
I’m stuck. And all I can do is reveal the real reason I don’t want to do this.
“I’m scared Espree! I’m terrified! OK? I’m scared!”
She softens, but only slightly. “I understand.” Then she softens again. “I will be with you.”
I’m shaking my head in miserable resignation. “I know, I know.”
She moves close. “I will not let you lose. I will not let you go. Whatever happens, I will be with you Tim. If you are pulled into the dungeons of hell forever I will be with you and I will protect you. After all, I can destroy any dungeon and extinguish any hell.
“You are the one who has made it possible for all of us to be free. Without you, I would never have had this chance—and neither would our friends and your family. Had you not come with me to my office―were you not who you are―I would still be wandering the universe, vainly searching for a way to save myself from the guilt I have inflicted upon myself.
She stands up and walks over to the viewer, motioning me to sit beside her.
“Let’s begin.”
It’s funny, but whether I like it or not, I get what she means. I understand why we must do it now. I know that there is no way, no how that I would do this if she wasn’t there looking at me expectantly, pulling me along with her intention. I just wouldn’t do it.
I’m ready, I have to be ready. I sit down and relax into the chair—even though I feel anything but relaxed.
“OK, I’m ready Espree. So how is this going to work?”
“All you need to do is look into the viewer. I will get you started by placing the images of the entrance point as you move into the Fabricator. I’m sure eventually you will begin to acquire the images and run through the incident in your own memory.”
I take a deep, nervous breath. “Ho boy.”
She smiles.
“Everything in there is a lie Tim; and you are truth. Nothing can touch you unless you resist it. Nothing can hurt you unless you give it permission to. Nothing can move you unless you agree you can be moved.”
She takes my hand.
“I will be with you.”
She looks into the Universal Viewer.
“Let’s begin.”
CHAPTER 24
She turns her attention to the viewer—her eyes staring into the transparent hologram.
The first images appear in the viewer. It looks like dock with a transport ship attached to it. The view moves in closer and closer toward the dock.
I have no initial reaction to it—but I realize this because this point of view is not one I have ever seen. I would have been on the inside at the time—just another newly trapped spirit held within in the ship—part of its cargo of EHF.
The view moves up to wall of the dock and goes black. A second later the view moves to the inside. I see a needle shape pointing into the dark interior at the front end of the Mind Fabricator. I have no idea of the scale. I could be the size of a pin or as large a
s a radio tower.
So far—other than the initial nervousness—I have no reaction to what I see.
The scene shifts to a viewpoint midway up the needle. I begin to feel queasy. I’m hoping it’s the shifting sensation coming from the view, but soon I realize that is not the reason.
Suddenly I know exactly what is going to happen because I know that once upon a time, it happened to me.
I thought the memory would be difficult to bring to view—but it is right there. In fact it has always been there—right in front of my nose—I just didn’t know it.
I have moved back in time, into the memory.
“I thought they were going to help me.” I hear myself say without thinking. I feel the vague memory almost materializing, and then disappearing. It terrifies me.
I don’t want to be here….
Suddenly I pop back into the present and the image has dissolved. I look at Espree.
“I don’t know if I can…”
“I understand Tim. Let’s try again.”
I sense that Espree understands her role. She is my guardian, my ally in the coming battle that I know now, I must face. She will not force me beyond my will or patronize me into confronting what she thinks I should remember, she must only encourage and assist. But she also knows that she must not let me succumb or flee. She knows I must win. For the first time since I entered the Spirit Trap however many millions of years ago, this is a battle I must win.
“I don’t like this place.”
“I understand. I’m with you Tim. Take a look.”
“Locate the memory,” says Espree, “the time you entered the Mind Fabricator.” She places the image of the entry into the viewer. I see the needle.
I close my eyes and let the image surround me and the feelings within the memory engulf me. It is dark and filled with a sense of weariness—like the weariness a prisoner feels after he has been beaten down over and over for a crime he never committed. No one will understand. I am alone in a deep overwhelming, paralyzing apathy.
I’m being drawn along the needle.
“I have to move with the energy Espree. I am afraid of it. I know I can’t fight it, so I have to go with it….
“Espree, I’m viewing this from outside the containment of the energy mirror that surrounded me, but I couldn’t have been out? I was inside of it!”
“Move into it,” says Espree.
“But I don’t want to move into it!”
“I understand. Move into it please.” says Espree.
A realization has just suddenly come upon me. I am where I decide I am – even if I’m viewing a memory from the past, I still decide where my viewpoint is. Though I was within the energy mirror at the time, I can still view it from anywhere I like. As a spirit I can apparently violate every law of physics and logic with impunity—the very thing this trap is rigged to teach me is impossible.
I know what I must do. I must take on the viewpoint I had at the time from inside that energy mirror. I must re-experience what actually happened just as it happened—only then will I be free of it.
The truth shall set you free Tim, the truth.
I take on the viewpoint I had at the time. I am within the confines of the energy mirror, moving along a needle toward a dark space. I feel the intense compressed feeling I felt at the time. I am unable to reach, afraid to fight, small, cowed
I have been conditioned with an automatic flinch created by the continuous bombardment in the Spirit Trap, the energy mirror and the containment field. I know that if I try to push outward I will be overwhelmed again by energy coming at me. I know now that the energy I fear is my own energy reflected back at me―but I did not know it at the time.
“Oh these insidious bastards,” I hear myself saying.
I thought it was from a source outside myself―but the source is me. The awareness of it seems to help.
“What a terrible condition I am in Espree. It is terrible.”
An object materializes gradually in the dark void surrounding me.
It is a glowing blue sphere and it is just floating there in the darkness.
It has a calming effect. It seems to say everything will be alright. I’m beginning to believe it. I wanted so much to believe it at the time.
“I was so tired of fighting. I just wanted to be free again.”
I move toward the sphere. The sphere looks so calm. I just want to relax and be…
BOOM! There is an explosion of energy. I feel myself tossed and turned in a sea of energy. Everything becomes unstable. I’m upside down, thrown to the right, up, down. The effect is one of being in a washing machine, only it is turning faster than I can follow and it’s turning in ALL directions at once!
I am sick. I vomiting violently as I hold desperately to Espree’s hand like a lifeline to keep me from descending into a memory that is trying to trap me in its terrible confusion—leaving me tumbling forever in a distant past.
“STOP IT!” I hear myself yelling. “I can’t stand it! Stop it!”
I feel a compression. It’s Espree’s hand lightly squeezing mine, reminding me that at least a part of me is here in the present.
A strange thought occurs to me. It is incredibly odd! Here I am rapt in turmoil but only in my mind! And I am also here with Espree, in her apartment just off campus on Planet Earth.
Somehow it seems to sooth this ball of confusion. At the time I had no chance. I was alone, I had nothing to hold onto, but now I have Espree and she is an anchor holding me to this strange quality I perceive as present time.
Suddenly in the confusion there is a steady image of the blue sphere. I feel myself grasping at it desperately as a sailor thrown overboard into a raging sea would grasp for a lifeline.
I move in toward the blue sphere and suddenly the confusion dissolves and now I am calm again. It was so good to be calm again!
The sphere disappears. Once again I am in the dark as before.
BOOM!
Again I am thrown into the intense confusion, tumbling over and over in every direction. Once again I am vomiting and holding onto Espree’s hand.
Once again the picture of the blue sphere appears and once again, when I move to it, the confusion dissolves.
It is repeated over and over, I don’t know how many times it is repeated, certainly more than I can count.
Finally I see the sphere and a picture of the sphere. It moves toward me and stops close to me. It is part of me now―part of the energy that surrounds me.
But again it dissolves and disappears.
BOOM! Once again I am in confusion. And again the picture of the sphere appears and stops.
Once again I see the sphere and the picture. Once again the picture moves into me. Once again it disappears and once again the confusion.
Now this process is repeated over and over countless times―and I am stuck here forever in a perpetual hell of confusion and calm. And the blue sphere represents the calm and the absence of the blue sphere means confusion.
Finally I realize that the picture will keep the confusion away. Without the picture of the sphere, the confusion will ensue.
“Keep the picture.” I hear myself saying – repeating my thoughts at the time.
“I have learned my lesson. A picture will save you from confusion. You must have a picture…you must remember.”
Now—my lesson learned―I move into another location. Now the blue sphere is replaced by the colorful light display from the Spirit Trapper. And I know what the "boom” will be in this case. Sure enough I am zapped by electricity. Then a picture appears of the light display and the electrical barrages stops.
All the while I feel Espree holding my hand, squeezing it lightly, letting me know she is here, keeping her promise to never leave me.
Once again the procedure is repeated as with the blue sphere. And I know that eventually I reach the same conclusion: Keep the picture…remember and retain. Hold on to your pictures. Keep it with you and use it when the confusion comes…remembe
r. Remember.
I open my eyes and look at Espree. The feelings have diminished but they are not yet gone and I realize something.
“Those were my first two ‘memories” I say to Espree, “and I have had them ever since!
“Isn’t it amazing! I may have had innumerable bodies, and countless lives and if what you say is true I have seen entire civilizations come and go, I have seen suns disappear and planets form, I have build ‘indestructible’ buildings that are now dust and yet through all of that, through all that experience and time, the pictures – the memories―remain as new as they day they were created!
“That’s because you created them Tim—only you, not the universe around you. Therefore as long as you create them, you will have the picture. And this machine—this Mind Fabricator―makes sure you continually keep them created.
“But these pictures were artificially created.” I say, confused. “You saw, I didn’t make them!”
Espree smiles widely. “You missed the trick didn’t you.”
“What trick?”
“Watch.”
She turns to the viewer and brings up the image with the blue sphere and the picture that I recalled in the incident.
“This is why we needed the viewer. This is why it is such a tremendous tool.” she says. “And this is why I needed to go through the viewer myself. Now I can re-create the view like instant replay to a referee.
“This is what I recorded when a newly arrived spirit was experiencing this first lesson with the blue sphere―just as you experienced it many millennia before.”
She projects the image into the viewer
“You can see the transparent globe that contains the spirit. That is the energy mirror.”
We move forward in time, to the point where the newly indoctrinated free spirit begins to understand the importance of the blue sphere.
I see the spirit and the blue sphere.
“Watch closely. She says.
Moving in slow motion I see the picture fading, and then solidifying again.
Espree explains.
“By now this spirit ‘knows’ the picture will stop the confusion. When the picture begins to fade, the spirit now recreates it. After 1000’s of repeats through this procedure, the spirit learns to create the picture—not wanting it to disappear and be force to experience the confusion again.
Total Amnesia: Forgotten Lives Page 20