All of Me

by Sheryl Lister

  Late that evening, her cell chimed, indicating a text message. She picked it up and pushed a button.

  Damian: Something came up. Won’t make it over tonight.

  Karen: No prob. C u at school. Everything ok?

  Damian: Fine.

  She tossed the phone on the bed, and another wave of disappointment washed over her. With nothing left to do, she packed her school tote, showered and went to bed.

  * * *

  The next morning, Nikki met Karen in the office.

  “I heard you applied for Priscilla’s job.”

  Karen glanced up from the memo she was reading but didn’t respond.

  “I don’t think you’re the right fit for this school, so I threw my name in the hat. Unfortunately for you, I’ve been teaching longer, which gives me the upper hand. And you know what they always say—it’s not what you know, but who you know.”

  Karen mentally counted to ten. What she wouldn’t give to be able to slap that smug smile off Nikki’s face. “Is there a point to this conversation, Nikki?”

  “I’m just trying to keep you from being disappointed when I get the job,” she said nonchalantly.

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Like you said, it’s all about who you know.” Karen refused to let this crazy woman intimidate her.

  A look of uncertainty flashed briefly in Nikki’s face before she stiffened her shoulders. “We’ll see about that.” She snatched the papers from her mailbox and stormed out.

  Karen chuckled and went to make copies. This was not the way she wanted to start her week after enduring a sleepless night thinking about Damian’s cryptic text.

  She managed to make it through the day without encountering Nikki again and thought she was home free until Nikki barged into Melissa’s office in the middle of Karen and Melissa’s meeting that afternoon.

  “May I help you, Nikki?” Melissa asked coolly. “Karen and I are discussing student concerns in our conflict management group.”

  “I have students in that group and should be included in the meetings.”

  “As there are no clear and present dangers involved, the information is deemed confidential. But I’ll be sure to let you know if something comes up,” Melissa added with an icy smile.

  Karen glimpsed over her shoulder to see Nikki’s tight-lipped glare.

  “Karen, I do hope you don’t have any more frivolous vacations planned for the rest of the school year,” Nikki tossed out bitterly. “I wouldn’t want anything to get in the way of you getting that principal position.”

  Karen met the woman’s gaze unflinchingly. “If you’re referring to attending the beautiful wedding of my best friend aboard a luxury cruise ship, I don’t have anything planned. My students’ welfare is very important to me, so I’m rarely absent. However, if something comes up, I have more than enough leave time. I’m sure it won’t affect my chances, but thanks for your concern.”

  Sending Karen and Melissa a scathing look, Nikki turned and stormed out, closing the door with more force than necessary.

  Karen and Melissa smiled and shook their heads.

  “She does not want to start messing with me,” Melissa said, rolling her eyes.

  “I just hope this isn’t a sign of things to come with her. Let’s finish up so I can go home.”

  They worked for another thirty minutes before calling it a day. Tomorrow morning would be the first meeting with Damian and Kyle, and Karen was anxious to see how things would play out with her and Damian working together. Thoughts of Damian and his text message had stayed in the back of her mind all day. He hadn’t sent her any other messages or called. By the end of the evening, she still hadn’t heard anything from him, which compounded her worry. She tried to rationalize that his silence might be due to him preparing for the safety overhaul, but in the back of her mind, she had a nagging suspicion that something wasn’t right.

  Her suspicions were confirmed the moment she saw him the next morning. The spark in his hazel eyes was missing, and his demeanor had changed—still professional, but almost...sad.

  “Morning, ladies. Not sure if you remember, but I’m Kyle Jamison, and this is Damian Bradshaw. We have a lot of ground to cover in the next several days, so let’s get started. Damian will start walking the perimeter, and I’ll take any questions before you have to get to class. Then we’ll meet again this afternoon.”

  “See you this afternoon,” Damian said. His eyes held Karen’s for the briefest of moments before he slipped out the door.

  Something had happened between their last conversation and now. She had no idea what, but she intended to find out.

  * * *

  Clipboard and pen in hand, Damian went to the school’s front entrance gate and noted the types of locks. He had exited the office as quickly as he could. He tried to put on a good face, but she obviously saw right through it. Seeing the hurt and confusion in Karen’s eyes only increased his feelings of remorse. How could he explain the occasional bouts of grief that attacked him? This time had been particularly hard because on Sunday he’d actually forgotten that the day marked five years since Joyce’s death. It wasn’t until Kyle mentioned he would understand if Damian needed him to handle the first few days of the trip that Damian remembered. The anguish of that fateful day rose strong, and overwhelming sadness consumed him. But for the first time, he realized the grief didn’t change what he felt for Karen—that the feelings could coexist.

  He recalled someone in one of the few grief sessions he attended saying it was possible. However, at the time, he hadn’t believed it. He also recalled several men sharing that some of the women they had dated after losing their wives felt they were competing and didn’t want the men to mention their past spouses, or had difficulty dealing with the random attacks of grief. And that was the crux of his problem. He worried that Karen would feel the same way, and he had no clue how to go about broaching the conversation. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her.

  Damian stopped to jot down notes about possible entry points at the back of the playground, then continued walking. What if she couldn’t handle his past and changed her mind about them dating? Laughter and shouting drew him out of his thoughts. He turned to find children streaming onto the playground. He glanced at his watch. School would start in ten minutes. He wound his way back to the office, and a tall, good-looking woman who looked to be in her midthirties, wearing a wide smile, stopped him.

  “Hello,” she said, extending her hand. “I’m Nikki Fleming, one of the fourth-grade teachers. Thank you so much for coming. This place needs an overhaul, and I know you’re just the man to do it.”

  Damian lifted an eyebrow and extracted his hand when it seemed that the woman wouldn’t let go. “It’s nice to meet you. We’ll do everything we can to ensure that your students and staff have a safe school environment.” She moved closer, and he took a step back.

  “If you need any suggestions, just let me know.”

  “Thank you. I’d better get started. Have a nice day.” He stepped into the office he and Kyle would be using and closed the door.

  Kyle chuckled. “Man, you’ve been in hibernation for five years, come out for six weeks and have a dozen women falling all over you.”

  Damian shook his head, pulled out a chair and sat. “I’m not in the mood.”

  “How you holding up? I know the last couple of days have been rough.”

  “Yeah, but not for the reasons you’re thinking.” He gestured to the stack of folders on the table. “We have a lot to do. We’ll talk later.”

  Kyle picked up a folder and opened it. “Maybe you should talk to Karen first. I saw the look on her face.”

  “Maybe,” Damian murmured, picking up another folder. With the mixed signal he’d given Karen earlier, he wouldn’t blame her if she told him to get lost.

  He
and Kyle worked steadily over the next three hours reviewing the school’s existing emergency preparedness plan and flagging any possible gaps, stopping only for lunch before resuming the task. As the end of the day neared, the less his mind focused on the mounds of paperwork in front of him and the more it centered on Karen. Melissa joined the two men shortly before the bell rang. By the time Karen arrived and he took in her wary gaze, Damian wasn’t any closer to figuring out how to proceed.

  “I know it’s been a long day for you ladies, so—” Damian began.

  “Very,” Karen said, cutting him off and pinning him with a look.

  His jaw tightened. “We’ll try to keep it to no more than a couple of hours,” he finished, hearing the censure in her voice. He understood it and took full blame. They hadn’t spoken since Sunday evening, or technically Thanksgiving, since a text didn’t count as conversation. Their eyes held, and then she smoothly shifted her gaze to the notepad in front of him. Taking the hint, he and Kyle went through their preliminary findings.

  “I noticed that all the gates are locked once school starts and all visitors have to come through the office. Has there ever been any training for the office staff on how to handle someone who is denied entrance?” Kyle asked.

  “I don’t think so,” Melissa answered. “I can go ask the secretary, if you want. She’s been here for fifteen years.” At his nod, she stood and left the room.

  Continuing with his questioning, Kyle turned to Karen. “What about teachers? When did you last have any preparedness training?”

  “Aside from last month, I don’t know of any and I’ve been here six years. We have the fire drills, but that’s about it.”

  Melissa returned and relayed that the office staff had never been trained.

  Damian added that to his list. “Mrs. Mitchell allotted Friday’s entire staff development day for training. If they haven’t been already, I’d like the office staff to be included. Janitors, too. I know we developed lockdown procedures during the training. Has this been disseminated?”

  “Yes,” Melissa answered. “Karen and I distributed the information the day we came back.”

  “Good. The staff should be familiar with the procedures by Friday’s session.”

  The group continued for another hour, and Damian was pleasantly surprised by the suggestions Karen made and incorporated them into his notes. He noticed Karen glancing up at the clock and checked his watch. Once Kyle finished speaking, he said, “How about we call it a day? It’s almost five. We’ve made some good progress, and I’m sure you ladies have other things to do this evening.” Although he said the words to both women, his gaze never strayed from Karen’s.

  They agreed to skip tomorrow’s morning meeting and just meet in the afternoon. He and Kyle stood when the women did.

  “You guys are great,” Melissa said, passing them on the way out. “See you tomorrow.”

  When Karen came around the table, he wanted to say something...anything...but the words stuck in his throat.

  “See you later.” She slid a folded piece of paper across the table where he stood and walked out.

  He was almost afraid to open it, but curiosity got the best of him. Picking it up, he opened it and read: My house, 7:00p. Whatever it is, we need to work it out—one way or another. K. For the first time in three days, he allowed himself a small smile.

  * * *

  Later that night, while she was rummaging in the refrigerator for the makings of a chef salad, Karen’s thoughts shifted to Damian. She had never been one to let things build up and do nothing, hence her inviting him over to talk tonight. One way or another, the relationship needed to be settled. A thousand and one scenarios of why he was acting so strange crossed her mind, but she pushed them away and concentrated on her dinner.

  While eating, she checked her personal email and clicked on one from Deborah. She had flown to New York the day after Thanksgiving with her theater company. Karen laughed at her cousin’s rant about the cold and snow. She typed back: Hey, you always said you wanted to be on Broadway, so suck it up, and hit Send. Her phone rang, and her heart rate kicked up. She snatched it up.

  “Hey, girl. Sorry I couldn’t talk to you last week,” Janae said when Karen answered.

  She relaxed. “Hey. No problem. How was dinner?”

  “It was wonderful. My parents and Terrence’s grandparents acted like they’d known each other forever. How was yours?”

  “Good, except my grandmother started in on her campaign to marry off all her grandkids again.”

  Janae laughed, then turned serious. “Have you heard any more from Damian since he came over on your birthday?”

  “Are you sitting down?”

  “I am now. What happened?”

  Karen gave her the details about his first visit, their decision to see each other and his subsequent pulling away. “I don’t know what to think. Everything seemed fine when we talked last week, and now...”

  “He seemed like such a nice guy. I never pegged him for the wishy-washy type. What are you going to do?”

  “I passed him a note asking him to come over tonight so we can try to work it out or...not.”

  “I hope he does and has a good reason for acting so strange, especially since it was his idea for you guys to keep seeing each other.”

  “So do I—” Karen stopped midsentence when the doorbell rang. “I have to go. I think he’s here.”

  “You’d better call and tell me everything. Oh, yeah, before I forget, the art show is going to be the weekend before Christmas. Don’t forget to call me.”

  “I won’t.”

  Karen disconnected and went to the front door. After a deep breath, she opened the door. Her heart rate sped up again. “Hey. Come on in.” Karen stepped back for him to enter.

  He leaned down and brushed a kiss across her lips. The contact was brief, but it seared her nonetheless. “Can I take your jacket?” He took it off and handed it to her. The jacket still held his warmth and smell, and she resisted burying her nose in it. She hung it in the front closet and led him to the living room. “Do you want something to drink or eat?”

  “No, thanks.”

  She sat on the sofa, and he lowered himself beside her. For the longest time, he just sat with his head lowered and said nothing. “Damian, what’s going on? Did you change your mind about us?” He lifted his head and Karen held her breath, waiting for his response.

  He shook his head. He seemed to struggle with words, and she asked again, “Then what is it?”

  Finally, he spoke in a voice so low, she had to lean closer to hear him. “Sunday marked five years since my wife died.”

  Wife? Karen had no idea what she had expected him to say, but this was not it. She sat in stunned silence for a moment, then covered his hand with hers. “I’m so sorry.” She wanted to ask him a million questions, but the agony reflected in his face made her wait until he was ready to talk.

  * * *

  Since reading her note, Damian had tried to come up with a gentle way to tell her, but in the end, he just said it. The look on her face had gone from guarded to shock in a blink. He brought the hand covering his to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on the back. “I’m sorry for not calling and for sending that text, but I didn’t know how to explain.” He closed his eyes briefly to gather his thoughts. “It’s not as bad or frequent as it used to be, but sometimes the grief comes out of nowhere.”

  “Tell me about her.”

  It was his turn to be shocked. The last woman he’d gone out with told him she didn’t want to compete with his dead wife and didn’t understand why he hadn’t gotten over it after all this time. Karen squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Her name was Joyce, and I met her when I was fifteen.” Damian told her about taking her under his wing, their growing friendship and subsequent marriage.

&nbs
p; “How long were you married?”

  “Twenty-one months. I came home from work late one afternoon and found her lying unconscious at the bottom of the stairs. She was just lying there...so still. She’d hit her head and sustained a severe brain injury.” He felt his emotions rising and that deep, searing gut pain as if it were happening all over again. “She woke up briefly, then slipped into a coma. I stayed there all day and night waiting for her to wake up—praying, hoping—but she never did. Two days later, she was gone,” he finished in an agonizing whisper. Damian didn’t realize he was crying until Karen reached up to wipe away his tears.

  She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  Her words and the way she held him shattered the remaining thread of control he’d held on to for five long years, and he cried in her arms. And she cried with him, whispering that she would be there for him.

  Gradually, their tears stopped, but he continued to hold her in the silence. Damian couldn’t believe he had broken down like that. He had cried at Joyce’s funeral, but not like this. This time it felt as though his soul had been cleansed.

  Several minutes passed before Karen asked, “Do you still love her?”

  “If you’re asking whether I’m still in love with her, the answer is no. She’ll always hold a place in my heart and I will treasure those memories, but it doesn’t diminish or change what I feel for you. I’ve been ready for some time and was lucky enough to meet a classy and unique woman who I can move forward with into a beautiful new life.” He kissed her tenderly and rested his forehead against hers. “Thank you for coming into my life.” He drew her closer. Now that he had shared his past, albeit not the way he had planned, he wanted to know about hers. “What about you? Have you ever been married?”