by Matson, TC
“Since when the hell did Levi start caring about hurting someone’s feelings?” I hiss fighting back my tears.
He slaps his chest. “Since you did whatever you’ve done to me. Since falling in love with you,” he growls.
I shake my head. “You wonder why I have insecurities. This!” I scream holding up Holly’s phone. “This is why! First the ridiculous training photo and now you’re holding on to Katie. And who is this other woman? Go ahead and feed me another lie, Levi.”
“That—”
“Shut up,” I interrupt him. “There’s nothing you can say. These pictures are pretty clear.”
“Paige,” he growls again. “I’m telling you…” he trails off.
My heart is thundering in my ears. I’m shaking. My throat is burning. I can’t speak staring at him gaze off into the distance and clenching his jaw. His nostrils are flaring and his eyes are unfocused. “I’m going to go.” He finally breaks the silence.
“What?” I squeak, caught off guard.
“You heard me.”
My top lip twists up in disgust. “So let me get this straight. You’re busted and now you’re mad at me?”
He glowers at the camera bellowing out a menacing laugh. “Let me clear it up. You’ve had me labeled before I had the chance to explain those pictures. Bark the bullshit all you want. In the end, you’ll see.”
“I’ll see what, Levi?”
“How many times have I told you not to worry?”
“Tell me something. How would you feel if it was me in those pictures with another man doing the same shit? I’m hours away. I fail to mention I’ve gone to the club and then pictures pop up. He’s holding my hand, whispering in my ear. Tell me how the hell you would feel, Levi?”
He hardens his eyes. “I have trust in you, Paige.”
“Then you’d have no problem if I told you how many times Ryker has actually been around me?” I say quite bitterly.
Like a tidal wave, his whole demeanor changes and his eyes widen with murder.
“That’s what I thought,” I smart off.
“You better be fucking lying to me,” he grits.
“Maybe there’ll be pictures and you’ll get to feel the way I do.”
He slams his fist against the wall. “What the fuck?” he roars. “I can’t just sit in this hotel and do nothing. I’d go fucking insane. I won’t.”
“I don’t expect you—”
“Stop talking,” he interrupts. “I do everything right but somehow I’m drowning in quicksand. I’ve done nothing wrong. You have my motherfucking heart. Fuck those pictures. They’re lying.”
“Pictures don’t lie,” I tell him.
“They sure as fuck don’t show you the whole situation!” he roars again. “Are we done?”
The bluntness of the question stabs me in the chest. I start to say something but nothing comes out.
Levi’s breathing like a madman, his nostrils flaring with each breath. His eyes are hard and evil. “Are we over?” he asks slowly.
“I don’t want to be!” I cry out then drop my head taking several slow breaths. “I don’t know what to feel right now, Levi.”
“Then you call me when you know what the fuck you feel.”
Those are his last words before I see a black screen. Those are his last words before my tears fall.
Chapter 26
“Ahhhh!” I roar slamming my knuckles into the wall. “Fuck!”
I know I shouldn’t be mad at Paige. I should be mad at everyone in my fucking business, but fuck.
Fuck!
I rip open the door to a wide-eyed Adam. “What the hell is going on? It sounded like an explosion.”
“It’s a wonder I didn’t give the wall a new window.” I storm away and then turn back gripping my hair. “What the fuck have I done to deserve these dickwads ruining my life?”
“Guess Paige saw the pictures?”
“Everyone’s seen the pictures, dammit!”
“Take it she’s not happy?”
I sharpen my eyes on the smartass.
He holds up his hands. “Sorry.”
“I need a drink.” I pace the floor. “I need a gym.” I snap my head to him. “Take me to the gym. I’m too pissed to drive.”
Adam calls Katie and tells her to take the day off as he drives. I don’t think the car is in park before I am already out, storming into the doors. I don’t waste my time wrapping my hands. The red and black heavy bag called my name the moment my shoes hit the inside of this place.
Blood splatters on the leather. My knuckles are bleeding, my shins are numb, my elbows burn, and my breaths are short. Right. Left. Right. Left. Punch after punch. Kick after kick. I’m pouring all my irritations into my strikes. There are no pauses. I’m determined to drain all of the anger and vexations.
“Hey!” Adam breaks my focus, pushing me away from the bag. “I’m not going to watch you fuck yourself up. Stop!”
My chest is heaving. Sweat is pouring from me. “No.”
“Dude, you’ve been at this for twenty minutes. You’re gonna damage something. I’m not going to watch this.”
I grab him by his shirt. “Then don’t fucking watch,” I spit.
Adam doesn’t buck back often, but there’s fire in his eyes. “Look at yourself!” He shoves me in the chest. “Look at your knuckles, Dickwad. Go ahead and fuck yourself up. Throw the championship.”
Like he pulled the switch, all my adrenaline crashes and drops me to the mat gasping for air. My heart feels like it’s about to explode. The urge to puke overwhelms me and I dry heave. This brings back memories of the beginning. This…is the brink you push yourself to.
Adam tosses two white rags directly in front of me and places a cold one on the back of my neck. “You need to ice the hands before they swell anymore.”
I’m pretty positive I need stitches. Both fists are gashed open. I stand slowly on wobbly knees and wrap the towels around each hand.
“Fuck, that felt good.” I sigh toward the ceiling. “Let me clean that up and I’m ready to go back.”
Water falls over my forehead and runs down the rest of my body. The pool at my feet is a weak shade of red. I really fucked up my knuckles with my right elbow coming in close second. Nothing butterfly stitches won’t fix.
I haven’t pushed myself that hard in years—to the brink of puking. The edge of hyperventilating. The border of being hospitalized. I’d forgotten what it felt like to push that hard. I’ll regret it tomorrow, but it felt fucking refreshing.
I’ve butterfly stitched my hands and elbow up and wrapped them with bandages. While I was in the shower, Adam ran to the store and has brought back some goodies. Although I hate drinking, sometimes it’s worth looking for the bottom of the bottle.
Adam throws his head back and laughs. “Dude, we should open our own strip club and call it Drawers and Balls.”
I crack up. We’ve been drinking for three…no, no…four, maybe five hours…eh…who’s counting. We’ve talked about everything from serious to awesome. Right now, we’re onto something here. Male strip clubs. Yep. Pretty damn smart thinking if ya ask me.
“Get a building close to an airport and name it Cockpit.” I’m begging for air. “Wait! Wait!” I gasp. “Who’s over the stripper auditions?”
Adam straightens up immediately. “Not it! We’ll need a female to do that.”
“First on the list, hire a female stripper checker.” I laugh.
There’s a knock on the door and I slide my eyes to Adam. “And who might this be?”
He shrugs. “Maybe female strippers to teach us how it’s done?”
“Oh, I’ve got that department down pat. Apparently, you don’t,” I tease pulling open the door.
Katie looks nervous with her head down. “Have you seen Adam?” she asks quietly.
“Yep! Sure have,” I slur pointing to the living room. “He’s in there.”
Slowly she enters, eyeballing me. She’s a timid little thing.
&
nbsp; “And it’s Katie,” Adam announces.
She looks between the both of us. “You’re drunk?”
“Way to observe. You’re learning my teachings, young grasshopper,” I say.
I drop back into the recliner and her mouth goes to her hand. No wait. Did I say that backward? You get the gist.
“What happened to your hands?” she asks.
Adam slaps his leg. “He was trying out for a new position. He needs a raise. You should see his knees.”
I can’t even come back. I can’t breathe. Fuck, my cheeks hurt. “No. No. The heavy bag pissed me off. Showed the fucker what’s up,” I finally tell her.
She grabs the tequila and turns the bottle up. Wiping her mouth, she sits at the opposite end of the couch as Adam. “So you ditched work to beat the heavy bag and get drunk? How come I wasn’t invited?”
“Bro time,” I slur. “But you’re here now. Drink up, buttercup.”
Esh! Since she came here all we’ve talked about is fighting. My first fight. Her first fight. The reasons we love it. The reasons we hate it. Did you know her first real fight was when she was seventeen? Did you hear me? Her first fight, one to inflict injuries was when she was seventeen. Who the hell does that? When I was seventeen I was already training to be a champ. I had to wait ‘til I was eighteen though. They don’t let you in until you’re legal…bastards.
“I’m out!” Adam stands.
“Aw, so soon?” Katie whines.
“Yep.” And he’s gone.
“I gotta pee,” Katie says going that way.
Like I give a damn. Does she need a pat on the head afterward?
Guess what I’ve noticed now that I’m standing? I’m far too fucked up. I’ve got sea legs and I ain’t at sea. Everything isn’t moving as slowly as I think it should. Walls and counters sneak up on me. The damn fridge is backing up with its twin.
Water! I made it. Showed the fridge what’s up. Meant no harm, just wanted its guts.
“Why’d you talk me into drinking?” Katie says leaning against the wall brushing her hair off her shoulder.
“I did? I remember you grabbed the bottle.”
“I wouldn’t have if you didn’t have it out on the table.”
Suddenly, I’m against her, devouring those plump lips of hers. I yank her leg to my waist and drag my hand up her thigh and over her ribcage. Her breath hitches once I grab her tits. Our tongues sweep each other and she nips at my bottom lip. I groan as she drags her hands through my hair, down my neck and grips my hips as I thrust against her. I pinch her rock hard nipple and she moans biting along my jawline and pulling my hips further into her. She tastes like alcohol and smells like perfume.
What the fuck am I doing?
I slap the wall beside her head and remove my hand from her tits, dropping my head. “Get the fuck out.”
“Wha—what?” she stutters.
I don’t lift my head. “Leave.”
She huffs, sliding out from under me, and as the door shuts, I drop my forehead to the wall. What the hell did I just do? Disappointment engulfs my soul. I just ultimately destroyed my relationship with Paige.
I’ve taken another shower to try washing away the disgust, but it didn’t work. I’m staring at my phone petrified. Yes. Petrified. Guilt…it’s the worst feeling I’ve endured.
I know I’m about to break the very heart I wanted to hold for the rest of my breaths. To mold into my side at night and melt into my body daily. To see her bright green eyes and taste her lips. I wanted her to share my victories and losses.
I take a deep breath and clear my throat. She’s lying in the bed in a yellow tank top with the bedside lamp on when she answers the video chat. If I have to tell her over the phone, I’m at least going to do it as personally as I can.
“Sunshine,” I say despairingly, knowing it’ll be the last time it will fall from my lips. I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“What happened to your hand?”
“I beat the shit out of the heavy bag and forgot to wrap my hands.”
“You forgot?”
“Yeah, I was mad,” I admit.
“Are you okay?” Worry soaks her voice.
“No.” I pause trying to get my scattered and broken mind together. “Paige,” I look up to the camera. “I promise you I had done nothing wrong. I swear to you those pictures were misleading.” I drop my gaze to the floor.
“When you put it in that tone, I have no option but to believe you.”
I know she’s still upset about it. She wears her emotions in her eyes.
“I hope you know I love you.”
“Levi, are you okay?”
I swallow hard. Tears sting my eyes and I look up. “I fucked up tonight.”
She yanks up. “What do you mean? Are you in trouble?”
“You have the right to hate me now. I fucked up and made a mistake I can’t take back, destroying the one thing I’ve never wanted so badly in my life…” I trail off staring at the hole I punched in the wall.
“Levi?” her voice cracks.
It pisses me off that I’m the reason her tears are about to fall, splintering her heart. And if I can’t take any better care of it than this, well… “Paige, I don’t think we should be together anymore.”
Just as I feared, her eyes swell up. Her mouth is open but no words are coming out.
I clear my throat pushing the tightness away. “I kissed another girl tonight,” I admit. “I crossed a line I can’t cross back from and you deserve better. Someone who can cherish you better than I can. You’re the best thing that happened to me and I fucked it up. I’m sorry.”
“Why would…what…” she stutters.
I blink back the stings. “Paige, I love you,” I say and then finally look at the camera. Her lashes are wet with a confused hurt donning in her expression. “I’m sorry.”
I hang up, toss my phone and heave myself backward. With my hands behind my head, the blurry ceiling offers no comfort as hot tears spill from my eyes and roll down the side of my face. I know that will be the last time I ever talk to her. And it’s a devastating feeling.
Fuck.
Chapter 27
It’s been about a month since Levi broke things off with me. At first I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t answer his phone and the one time Adam did, he confirmed it. I was in an ugly state of desperation and denial. Confusion set in and I wandered aimlessly trying to figure out who or what. Then blame. Blame was my worst. I blamed myself. Had I given him the trust he deserved I don’t think he would have gotten himself in that situation. I blamed my insecurities for ruining it.
I isolated myself for a few days. I didn’t want to face reality. I called into work and indulged in a self-pity party. Holly said one of the stages of a break up is anger, but I think that mixed with blame. I was really mad at myself. I did go through a spout of being upset with him for not giving me a chance to talk. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he saved me a lot of hurt and embarrassment.
I wouldn’t necessarily say I accepted things. Maybe more like I’ve surrendered to it. I was leveled by everything. It took a little bit for me to grasp it. I don’t know how many times I wanted to pick up my phone and call him. Admittedly, I tried three different times and even Adam once. After that, my phone has laid silent other than Holly and my dad.
And then came grief… I felt emotionally amputated. I was missing something. Phantom whispers. Wishful thoughts. I had to adjust to not having him daily. My mornings sucked since he used to always text me something sweet. I didn’t have anything to brighten my groggy mornings. It was a little jarring and sent me into the abyss of the unknown. I was so used to him and immediately he disappeared. Traumatic. That’s how it felt. I felt hopeless as I came to terms with the whole situation.
I sulked in misery for a week until Blain forced me to quit. He literally pulled me out of the bed, tossed me over his shoulder and dropped me fully clothed in the shower. I squealed because of course it was pure
cold water, but it was a great wake up call.
That day I returned Holly’s texts and calls, brushed my hair and teeth, and sat down and ate dinner with Blain. The weeks after, every day got a little better. I spent more time with Holly, and thankfully Ryker had gone home so I didn’t have to see him. I went to work and I forced a smile. I begged for life to get back to as normal as possible and it did. One day at a time, I found my new norm.
It’s funny to think about how my life was before Levi. Actually, I can barely remember it. But I know life continues on. It’s Friday night and I’m off from Tonic. Holly, Matt, and I are sitting around her table enjoying Chinese food. Yeah, I’m the third wheel, but they make me feel pretty good until they start making out. Puke.
“Holly said you had an amazing older woman in your section you thoroughly enjoyed this morning,” Matt squeaks as Holly elbows him in the ribs.
“She was such a darling.” I snort.
“So I hear you’re gonna move in with her and start taking care of her,” he adds.
“I’d go to jail for beating that psychotic woman. She was pure evil.”
Holly tosses her head back and laughs. “Thank God she sat in your section and not mine. I doubt I’d have my job after her.”
“You would’ve—”
I’m interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Who the hell is here?” Holly gripes, rushing to it.
The moment it swings open, his voice echoes off the wall and my heart lurches. “I knew your ass would be here,” Ryker says.
Matt jumps to his feet and gives him a bro-hug. “Man, I didn’t know you were coming back into town.”
“Figured I’d make a stop in for a bit before my training days kick back in.”
I shake my head and force myself to tune it out. All the fighting talk…it reminds me of Levi and I don’t want to hear it right now.
“Hey, Paige,” Ryker says dropping down in the recliner behind me. The way he says my name, like he tastes it, causes a surge of anxiety.